but wait. wait hang on. i know i’m not happy right now because i’m hurt. i mean physically. i mean the burn is obvious, a big red angry kiss on my hand. and you don’t have to be happy if you’re hurt.
but wait. come on wait. somewhere in here, one day, do i figure out that it doesn’t have to be my skin that’s hurting. that it’s okay. that sometimes i can’t even really tell that the hurt is bad, or where the hurt is, or even if it exists. but that i am hurting in a permanent, forever kind of way. some part of me will always be burning, some transmitters will always forget to turn on the lights. it’s okay. why aren’t you happy?
you asshole, i say to myself. you’re in pain.
why aren’t you happy? because you can’t be right now. maybe you never get big happy; and maybe that’s okay because you still get the small moments. but that starlight fantasy of weeks and weeks of happy is elusive. something is stopping you from it. after a while the ache will fade into the background or you’ll learn to live with it, but we both know tonight when there’s nothing to distract you, you’ll remember to notice it. it’s okay. if you grit your teeth you live through it.
now the hard part. to grit your teeth and live through it.