how's the salmon

Every day I handle more money than I will ever make. Every day.

At the start of my employment, my boss showed me videos of people stealing, and we both had a chuckle about it. How silly they were! There was a camera overhead, and it’s not to watch the shoppers. See, we can’t actually stop shoplifters. They get away with it maybe nine out of ten times. But we, who are watched and tallied and witnessed? We are always caught.

At first it was hard to hold one hundred dollars bills. An amount I had never seen before. An amount that didn’t exist in my household. It’s normal now. Here is something that is not for me.

“What the hell, I’ll take another,” says the man, pondering our 200 dollar watches. What the hell. Total comes to 580 and not even a flinch in his face. I have been working for 11 hours today and made only 110 dollars. It will go to my rent. Today I work for free, it feels. When I get my check, I will have 35 dollars left for food and saving.

The six hundreds he hands me go into the cash register. For a moment, I imagine having money. Then I put it away, counting out his change.

I know for a fact we sell our products for double what they are worth. That I could be making commission. That they could hand me those 580 dollars and change my life and not even mark the difference in their checkbooks. He’s not the only sale they make today, but I am the reason they made it. He’s not the only one spending 600 dollars, but if I hadn’t spent two hours with him telling me about his life, he wouldn’t have spent any. I go home. I don’t own a watch.

I have watched and rewatched a video on how to make salmon four ways. My shopping list is always the same. Pasta. Rice. Tuna. If I can afford butter it was a good week. I dream of the world I will never walk in, where I can throw the best fish fillet in the cart with a shrug. I hold hundreds in my hand and look up at the camera. I put them under the cash drawer.

I go to work. I scrap together my savings. I eat my bowl of rice slowly. My manager takes a paid week off from work just for his birthday. He owns a yacht. 

I’m not worth the cost of a watch.

my thoughts on 5x20 (and why it’s better than 3x20)

WOW. I woke up, the sun was shining, my skin was clear, Olicity is rising and Arrow is back on top again. GOD BLESS. 

So I’m doing something different with this recap. Normally I just give bullet-point impressions of the ep. Today I’m doing bullet-point reasons of why I think this ep is better than 3x20. If you know me, then you know that 3x20 has long been my favorite Arrow episode. I had severe doubts that 5x20 could top it. Even when the spoilers started coming out. But then I saw 5x20. 

  • This episode had THRILLS. 
  • The way it started, with Felicity on the floor and Oliver scoping the bunker out with the gun?? Protective!Oliver is hot hot hot! 🔥
  • The way these two bickered in the present day was harsh and rough and absolutely appropriate given how 5x19 ended. 
  • It was also very married and adorable and them. They were more real with each other here than they were in 3x20, I hate to say. 
  • The flashbacks (which the title card said took place 11 months ago… but then MG said on Tumblr last night that he felt it took place closer to 5x01 than it did 4x23 so… basically… somewhere in the summer. Let’s say LATE AUGUST and call it a day) were so full of tension-laden chemistry that I about burst into flames during that scene with Felicity cooing over his boo-boo on his arm. 
  • Yeah that’s another reason 5x20 >>>> 3x20: the flashbacks. Olicity focused flashbacks beat s3 Hong Kong flashbacks any day. 
  • Olicity was so much of this episode. And anything that wasn’t Olicity was the team trying to save Olicity. And Dyla working out their shit. That sure beats Lazarus Pit resurrection and joining the LoA if you ask me. 
  • Oliver and Felicity having a picnic on the mats, eating take-out and drinking two (2!!!) bottles of wine is basically fanfic. ITS FANFIC. 
  • Oliver coaching Felicity on how to do the salmon ladder is also FANFIC. 
  • Oliver demonstrating for Felicity is basically the most preening show pony he’s ever been and I’m here for it. So is she. 
  • As demonstrated by her jumping him with a kiss right after. You get him, girl! 
  • Okay, I’m not sure a love scene this hot on network tv during the 8pm hour is allowed. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
  • But it’s also fun? Cuz they’re enjoying themselves and each other? And tender? Cuz of all the hearteyes? How is this better than 3x20? I don’t know but it IS. It feels… righter. 
  • Also: full-on “morning after” scene where they’re cuddled up NAKED together on the mats. NAKED. NAAAAKEEEEED. 
  • They want me dead. That’s all there is to say. This cuddling is TOO MUCH. 
  • Of course then things have to get real with Felicity saying it doesn’t mean anything. Oliver’s eyes are saying “excuse you, it meant A LOT to me!”
  • Also: “it was nice”. GIRL PLEASE. It was more than nice. Oliver, you’re not gonna take that lying down are you? Show your girl what “nice” really is. 🔥🔥🔥🔥
  • Or…. save it for the reunion sex. I wouldn’t mind that. 
  • (this said, I still am not convinced we’ll get reunion sex… are we that lucky? i have my doubts)
  • BUT Felicity was right to say what she did. And she did give Oliver and opening. Figure your shit out and get back to me. 
  • Newsflash: he didn’t get back to her. 🤦‍♀️
  • BUT! The present day shows them finally talking this shit out. The shit they should have talked out an EON ago. 
  • Oliver trusts her, he will always trust her. He doesn’t trust himself. He’s not sure if he’s a monster or a hero. 
  • The tear when he told her this nearly murdered me. Death by tear. 
  • Felicity is sure he’s a hero, but he has to believe it. But when he does… it’s ON. 
  • In case you’re concerned: this ties Olicity’s fate with the main conflict of the season. Once Oliver has what he needs to defeat Chase, he will have what he needs to reunite with Felicity. 
  • So if you’re one of those people who keeps sending me anons, step away from the ask box and read one of my posts. THEY ARE REUNITING IN S5. 5x20 CONFIRMED IT. Stop asking me if I still think they’re reuniting. 😂 It’s obvious that I do! 
  • Where was I? OH YES. Okay, so 3x20 ended with Olicity separated and Oliver selling his soul to the LoA. 5x20 ended with hope for our favorite pair reuniting (and for good this time). 
  • Is there any comparison? I don’t think so. 
  • Also, Chase approaching William. I am officially shook. 

God bless this episode. And god bless Olicity. This is my ship. The stunts, the arguments, the selfless acts of heroism, the heart to heart conversations… this is why I’m here. 

5

I got to snuggle sneks during a snake handling and serpent movement lesson today. Indigo in the first picture is a Salmon Boa and the remaining four pictures are of Amethyst the Red Tail Boa. They were all so sweet. So many blelele.

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How-To: Make Prison BBQ Salmon with Prodigy of Mobb Deep

#RIP Prodigy

It Worked

Originally posted by superherofeed

Request: Barry overhears you talking with Caitlin one day about how hot Oliver Queen is so he tries to impersonate him. But when that doesnโ€™t work he starts making fun of him and the reader is really confused until Cisco explains it to them.

Notes:ย Again, from my old blog

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The scary horrible thing about clinical depression is that it can hit you any time, for no reason, from zero to freight train in a second.

At the grocery store I’m thinking about how to grill this salmon, and the next moment my chest caves inward like a curled up canvas of wax paper in a cruel gnarled fist. It’s the familiar feeling of drowning in slowly frothing grief, like disappearing in acid. It’s almost too familiar. I’m trying not to weep. I tell myself, Everything’s fine, everything’s fine, a cognitive trick to pull you out of the falling, but nothing is fine, nothing is fine. There’s nothing I can do. My basket full of trinkets is weightless and too heavy at the same time. I see people rushing to somewhere, but the illusion of significance slips away from me in a long, defeated sigh. I hate this part. My shoulders crumple because I’ve stopped holding them up. I can barely look at the cashier and I don’t remember paying when he hands me the receipt. I can’t turn on music in the car; it’s unbearable to turn the wheel. I’m someone else’s ghost in someone else’s body.

I wish I could tell you I snapped out of it. I wish I could say it gets easier each time. But I never know how long it’s going to be. I never know when the colors will come back. I never know if this will be the one that wins.

The worst thing about clinical depression is that it can do whatever it wants with you. It has no rules or code or fairness or dignity. I have every reason to be happy, but I’m completely debilitated and naked. It’s a cheater. It’s a liar that sells truth.

I know I have to fight for air. I know I have to crawl for every inch of territory that’s stolen. I know I cannot make decisions unless I talk with someone first. I know there’s so much worse going on in the world, and the war inside doesn’t even compare. I know. It doesn’t make the fog lift any faster.

I can only claw for breath. I reach for every scrap of surface to escape this tunnel. I can’t let it win. By the tiniest shred of sight, I crawl.

– J.S.