how to peel hard boiled eggs

Blogs I’ve thought about starting today: 

  • small containers - a blog about small containers I encounter in my daily life. Includes pictures, technical details, descriptions of where and why I encountered the container, and if it’s mine, how I got it. Recommended for witches and people who like to save things. 
  • how’s it crackin - I eat a boiled egg every morning Monday through Friday. At this point I can feel, from the initial smack of the egg against a hard surface, how easily the egg will peel. I think I could use this as a form of divination. Recommended for witches, people who like eggs.
relatable(?) seder things

-the obligatory one or two family / family friends you never see on any other day of the year except the first seder when they show up to ur house and are like “omg its been a year” etc etc

-the obligatory debate about gefilte fish and is it actually good or do we all just pretend 2 like it

-the one person who’s subsequently obnoxiously loud about how much they Actually Like Gefilte Fish (hint, it me)

-people drinking manischewitz while simultaneously joking about how horrible manischewitz is

-somebody who brought wine other than manischewitz constantly talking about how much better that wine is than the manischewitz. probably while drinking manischewitz.

-hard boiled eggs. are so messy to peel

-somebody takes too much horseradish during maror to show they’re a tough guy and then proceeds to Die 

-skipping around in dayeinu with seemingly no logic and confusing the heck out of anyone who hasn’t been to this particular seder in the past few years because Heaven Forbid We Do The Verses In Order No That Would Be Terrible

-that one person whose tunes for zemirot are slightly different than urs and u make awkward eye contact like. Whose Tune Will Win

-”you know, I actually like matzah!” “oh no no wait a few days you won’t like it in a few days when it’s all you’re eating”

-the women kvetching about cleaning / kashering the house for pesach

-every song is out of tune and gets progressively so throughout the night

-particularly the ‘maro-o-o-o-o-o-or’ part of the four questions song (everyone’s thoughts - halilah hazeh halilah hazeh oh no herewego this is gonna be really cringeworthy don’t start laughing)

-that one person pouring grape juice or wine out of the decanter at a weird place (like, not when anyone else is pouring stuff) and you just hear this glug glug glug randomly and its like ??? why do u have to do that right now (like my friend today we’re in the middle of birkat hamazon and she decides to pour the third glass early like ??? rochel. please lmao)

-the little kids taking elijah super seriously and one always gets upset when he doesn’t show up 

-all the moms @ the little kids “no  no don’t lick ur finger after doing the wine/grape juice dab on your plate during the plagues recounting thingy”

-the most out of tune birkat hamazon you’ve ever heard

-everything. is out of tune

-doing the “who knows one, I know one” thing at the very end when everyone’s tipsy and people start laughing and everyone else tries to mess everyone else up

How to ride a dique like a professianal

1. Your body is a temple hello you cannot just cram any old ponis insode of you. First you must cleanse and decorate your orifice fortress and prepare your love hole for the ham slam.
2. Practice stretching your vogena by inserting several hard boiled eggs of various sizes and peel them with the delicate force of your whispering tulip.
3. Take some of the peeled hard boiled eggs and arrange them in a circle. Give the rest to a neighbor or close family member for safe keeping.
5. With one sock on and one sock off stick candles in each egg and light them. Litter an assortment of twigs and berries around the eggs.
6. Invite sexual partner into love nest. They will be like “wow are you actually serious you peeled all of these eggs for me” to which you should reply “let’s smog this hog”
4. Use the candle wax as your lubricant and as it dries it will cement the two lovers together forever. All the while staring directly into their eyes saying the magic words “let’s smog this hog”
7. Orgasm.
8. Phone your neighbor or family friend to bring the left over eggs so you can eat them and regain your strength.