no offense but words don't have gender and gorgeous can be used for anyone. what a hypocritical attitude to have.
explain how exactly i’m being hypocritical? “words don’t have gender” - that’s bullshit, there are definitely words that are more feminine coded, especially when complimenting someone. generally with trans people, you have to have some sensitivity around how you’re complimenting them. you wouldn’t call a trans woman handsome, because that’s just…wrong. some words can trigger dysphoria, and that’s just fucking obvious. to fire back at me and say that words have no gender and I’m being hypocritical…how. feminine coded compliments make me feel dysphoric. i’m entitled to my own emotions. plain and simple.
Isn’t it weird how a lot of straight guys think the best compliment to a woman is to say they would fuck her, and the worst insult is that they wouldn’t fuck her? So you get these guys who think they’re really honouring you by saying they would fuck you, but if you say “no thanks” they’ll immediately turn around and say you’re ugly and they never wanted to fuck you anyway. How powerful do they think their dicks are??
How to Be a White Man Complimenting a Black Woman’s Hair
So if you follow Jeremy on twitter, you may have seen a long series of tweets yesterday with a step by step guide of “How to be a White Man Complimenting a Black Woman’s Hair” but here is that step my step guide recreated for you.
Guys, pay attention as, honestly, it’s easier than you think it is but there may be more steps than you’ve considered.
1) Accept that despite your differences in race and gender that you are both people. Take this to its logical conclusion in that, because you are both people, you are both equally deserving of respect and consideration.
2) Accept that a the purpose of a compliment is not transactional. The purpose of a compliment is to acknowledge someone, let them know that they are seen, and to make them feel good. Your compliment does not mean she owes you anything. If your compliment requires that she give you something in exchange (ie a compliment, her number, even a smile or a thank you) then it is not a compliment. She did not agree to this exchange and you imposing that contract on her is bullshit.
3) Understand that qualifiers are the natural enemy of compliments. It is not necessary to tell her what you do not like about other girls, other black girls, their hair, her old haircut, or gender norms. If the words “for a black girl” leave your mouth, even by accident, you are honor bound to leave her presence immediately and never speak to her again. Also, if you have a sword, it is customary to fall on it at such a time.
4) Her hair is a thing you can compliment and appreciate without making physical contact with it or her. You should absolutely never touch a black woman’s hair without her permission. Scratch that, you should never touch a woman’s hair without her permission. You know what, you should never touch any person’s hair without their permission. What sort of person are you? Who wants to have other people’s hands up in their hair without permission. The fact that the style or texture of a black woman’s hair is different from your own or what you’re used to does not mean that you can or should put your grubby mitts on it.
5) If you want to compliment her hair, compliment her hair not her heritage. It is not necessary for you to comment on her skin color, her ass, or her sexuality. It is also not necessary for you to inform her she is black or to attempt to give her any sort of history lesson, whether about your own personal history or the plight of people of color and their struggle to be accepted in a world filled with Eurocentric definitions of beauty. She knows all of this. She is likely confronted by it between 5-10 times between waking up and getting to work. Also, you probably don’t know shit about her family or where she’s from, so making an assumption about those things is just the worst. Exoticising black women is not as cute as you think.
6) Use the perfect compliment. It should go something like: “I like your new hairdo”. If you need to follow that up, you can say either “it looks good on you” or “it suits you”. Why? Because these are the sorts of things you say to a human being and black women are human beings.
7) Finally, if she thanks you, smile warmly and walk away. If she doesn’t thank you, smile warmly and walk away. Unless she has asked you how her hair looks, she has not requested this compliment and therefore, since a compliment is not transactional, she does not owe you anything in return. Just because she doesn’t thank you doesn’t mean she didn’t appreciate it and even if she didn’t, it’s not your job to make her appreciate it. She’s got other things going on and her hair may not be the most important thing she’s dealing with.
Perhaps most importantly though, is to understand that this guide is for casual relationships (friends, coworkers, friends of friends, relatives of friends, people you see on a daily basis but don’t really know like that.)
If you, as a white man, are in a romantic or potentially romantic relationship with a black woman, then the terms of the compliment may change. The most important thing you can do is to ask her how she would prefer you talk about her. Because black women, being people, have preferences and opinions. Also, being black women who have to exist in the world as it is, they probably have a laundry list of creepy things that have been said to them by white men. The first step to showing her you respect her is to ask her questions and LISTEN to the answers.
He offers her an arm to take, “My lady, it’s always so good to see you, though,” she was incredibly beautiful, he wouldn’t deny that. Long raven locks, sharp, clever eyes, what wasn’t there to admire?
They walked into her home, and Jean-Pierre remained a perfect gentleman still, “I feel as if this has all been orchestrated very nicely from you. Not that I doubt a woman of your intelligence and cunning couldn’t will the Brotherhood’s own Listener to single me out for this contract.”
He keeps a respectable distance from her, and smiles ever so warmly, “Tell me, what seems to be the problem, and how do you want me to deal with it?”
He certainly did know how to compliment a woman. Appeals to the ingenious nature of her schemes were ever so charming. Jade eyes flashed with approval. Finally, she would have a reliable accomplice to turn to. No more abandonment. No more betrayal.
Of course, keeping control would be key. Miss Anais had released him, so she said. She’d see if she couldn’t find a way around that little conundrum. If anything, this presented her with an opportunity.
“The problem is one of my rivals– The seedy criminal underbelly kind, this time. No pomp and circumstance involved, I’m afraid. You and I are just going to kill a lot of people.”
And with that, she spun on her heels and made for the kitchen. “But first, dinner.”