how to care for a dog

i cant believe you kicked one of our dogs. why are you so fucking aggressive towards them? why are you such a shitty father? youre fucking abusive and i hate you. i wish i couldve shoved you and asked how you liked being pushed around. but i probably wouldve been hurt by you. you only ever emotionally abuse me, but you hit the dogs, and act aggressive towards them. whats wrong with you? i cant wait to move away & leave you out of my life. youre just my moms sperm donor for all i care. fuck off

I’m so tired of people getting pets without learning how to take care of them

Dogs are omnivorous, cats are carnivorous.


If you don’t feed your cat meat, it will die.


Dogs need exercise every single day, not just when you feel like it.


Betta fish need a MINIMUM of 2.5 gallons sized tank.


Most pet fish you’ll see are tropical and need heaters.


Most reptiles need a humid environment. Your living room is neither warm enough nor humid enough.


Rats and budgies are highly social animals and need to live with others of their kind. Read: always get more than one.


Rats like to climb and need a cage taller than it is wider.


Goldfish grow to be 10"-12" and live to be 10-20 years. Yes even that cheap $0.50 one. They’re pond fish. And yes, their bodies actually do stay small if they’re kept in a small environment but their organs will continue to grow and will eventually crush each other, killing the fish prematurely.


Some fish will fight, kill, or eat each other and it’s not “just a fact of nature” it’s you not doing your research and putting the wrong species together.


It takes a few google searches and maybe twenty minutes of link clicking to learn the basics.


It’s not the responsibility of the pet store employee to teach you everything you need to know. The pet store employee might not even need to know what you need to know. All it takes to be a pet store employee is to be more than 18 years old.


I’m just tired of seeing uninformed people put their pets in poor situations. Just. Research. Just a little bit. One google search. Please.

things that got me yelling from episode 69
  • badass pilot davenport
  • “i stole your cousin’s shoes” “and i’m currently wearing them”
  • FINAL BOSS BATTLE
  • all the new music jfc
  • merle finally healing and its the ULTIMATE HEALS MVP POTG
  • *travis rolling for damage against john* “92…” “fuck off”
  • scared taako standing up to john 10/10
  • THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF ABRACAFUCKYOU
  • “you’ve solved my goading puzzle” one last you’ve solved my blank puzzle joke i love
  • everyone went unconscious
  • pan!
  • joaquin coming to their world
  • literally everyone that came out of the bonds
  • FREE SAMPLES
  • everyone confused when it seemed clint just started to take over and dm but it was just that 9 second thing
  • “Well. Bye!”
  • the use of Arms Outstretched during the whirlwind like yes fuck me up
  • istus!
  • “And then light.”
  • SCUTTLEBUDDY!
  • taako getting jealous of lucretia when jeffandrew said she was the most powerful person they ever met
  • “Johann was right! We won!”
  • angus makes so many friends and plays soccer now
  • “i’m about to smooch your fucking brains out”
  • P R I N G L E S
  • taako is a media empire bc of course he is
  • “everyone is in House Taako”
  • get shit on sazed literally burn in hell
  • career woman ren i love her so much
  • “my boyfriend is death”
  • the ango and taako hug and the “starting salary is nonnegotiable”
  • Earl Merle
  • merlegaritaville
  • “I know how hard you’re trying.”
  • KILLIAN AND CAREY WEDDING
  • kravitz’s hands are warm contrary to every taakitz fic in existence
  • “I have to shit.” never change magnus
  • carey wearing the bff necklace for her wedding
  • SERVICE DOG TRAINER MAGNUS
  • magnus naming his dog after johann :’)
  • “he found something worth living for” and i found something worth crying for thanks travis for sending that gut punch to me personally
  • just the entire scene where magnus dies surrounded by everyone he cares about
  • J U L I A
  • julia built the cottage for them and im a m e s s
  • “That was the ending you earned.”
More things Bruce has said to his kids:

Dick:

“You were such a cute kid. What happened?”

“So, if everyone else jumps from the roof, would you jump too? … I know that you jump from the roof every night … It was a rhetorical question!!”

“I love you, but go away”

Jason:

“Do you understand English?! I said no more killing!”

“Language, dammit!”

“You cannot sell your brothers on Craigslist!”

Tim:

“Why did you just put that in your mouth? … I don’t care if it was a dare! Spit it out!”

“I’m not talking to you until you put on pants”

“At what point did you think it was a good idea to test how long you could go without sleep?”

Damian:

“He is your older brother, do not use him for target practice”

“I understand that a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s, but don’t let the dog lick your Popsicle!”

“Did you give Tim a black eye? … No, the dog was not the one to do it, try again”

Stephanie:

“Why did you put makeup on Dick? Now he won’t stop talking about his cheekbones“

“Stephanie, you don’t even live here, why are you paining the living room?“

“Will you stop trying to hug Damian? He claims that affection makes him breakout in hives“

Cassandra:

“You’re my favorite child“

‘I need you to watch the boys while I’m out … Yes, I know that most of them are grown men, but they seem to get into trouble when left unsupervised“

“I’m glad that I have one sane child“

Aelin’s Will

Because you know she has one and because I love to torture myself, here are some headcanons about Aelin’s will.

  • She makes her first will as soon as she gets her first paycheck as the king’s champion
  • Everything is left to Chaol in that one
  • Except Elena’s necklace which she leaves to Nehemia
  • And her books are left for Dorian
  • because they are her only friends and who else would she trust her things with?
  • None of them ever know that she even wrote it
  • Her second one is written out before she leaves Mistward to go bargain for Rowan’s life with Maeve
  • Much is still left to Chaol because she still wants him to be happy and stable once he escapes the king
  • However, she leaves her weapons for her carranam
  • because even if she can’t be there to fight with him, he’ll always have a little part of her by his side
  • Rowan also receives part of the money she’s earned
  • because if anything with Maeve goes south, she’s not sure how much he has saved, or if his family will help him at all in his time of need
  • Her third is collaboratively made by the gang while they are on their way back to Terrasen for the first time
  • All her money - to Terrasen
  • All her books are still given to Dorian
  • Her dresses and shoes to Lysandra - because she insisted
  • Her underthings and nightgowns are given to Rowan - much to everyone’s amusement
  • Fleetfoot is left to Evangeline because the little girl just loves the dog so much
  • And Aelin knows that the puppy will take care of Eva no matter what
  • Any and all weapons that she may possess are given to Aedion
  • because he will forever defend Terrasen for her if she is no longer there
  • that mellows the conversation drastically
  • The fourth and final copy of Aelin’s will is written on the boat
  • it is signed just after her marriage license that ties her to Rowan and makes him her king 
  • Lysandra is the only one that knows about it
  • because she is the witness
  • and it leaves everything
  • everything that Aelin is, was, or will be
  • to her
  • because to everyone else, Aelin will not be dead
  • and Lysandra will need everything if she is going to play a convincing part

Bother me

please bother me. always. even when you think you are too much, even when you don’t want to bug me with your problems or when you feel I shouldn’t care about what you have to say, bother me. bother me when it’s 3AM and you have to call me 10 times till I wake up and answer you. ask me over late at night to just sit with you and be there so you don’t feel so alone. bother me on your way to class so you can rant about how someone just cut you off and how you’re going to be late. tell me you are stressed, tell me you are worried, when you’re scared, when you’re lonely. send me endless pictures of your dogs and your food, bother me with silly things that made you smile or what stupid thoughts keep you up at night. bother me to be there for you, bother me to show you I care, because I can promise you I’m never bothered.

listening to the adventure zone for the first time. I realized at ep. 21 that I wanted to compile some of my favourite qoutes (not just from characters). so here’s that (in no particular order. not even in order of appearance):

  • “abraca-fuck you”
  • “i’m really getting this cleric shit aren’t i”
  • “I’m not a nerd so I don’t know-” “we’re on a D&D PODCAST”
  • “let me tell you the story of the time an orc punched me so hard I almost died”
  • after griffin has been complimented for the quality of the campaign. “let’s wait and see how it ends, though, ‘cause lost seemed pretty good too”
  • “no i’m a flesh boy”
  • “YOU’RE MY FATHER. YOU BIRTHED ME.”
  • “i just don’t understand why me understanding the basic rules of dungeons and dragons is like an unfit way to spend our time”
  • every time taako mocked jenkins not using spell slots
  • “I have a beating heart! i’m- i’m multidimensional! i’m a fully realized creation. Fuck.”
  • let me promise you one thing- are we out of the zone of truth?” “yeah you’re long out of it” “everything’s going to be fine”
  • “my names not jerry its…. jereeeeee”
  • barabra telling taako (as jerry) he’ll walk him to the bathroom
  • “the second ruffian-” “give them names” “c-craig…ory?”
  • “magnus’ quest for vengeance just… ends” “and OURS BEGINS”
  • “there’s no vine you’ll never be able to not fuck”
  • “let’s try that again, and you say yes to my fucking bit”
  • “hot diggity shit, this is a baller cookie”
  • the entire section where they kept talking when mushrooms were giving off spores at the sound of their voices and kept having to roll constitution saving throws.
  • “that is your last thought as a two armed man”
  • everything starting with justin going “i’m going to cast a spell called eldrics black tentacles” and ending with “MY NAMES KRAVITZ”
  • ^side note: kravitz why did you actually give him your name when that was what he was asking
  • kravtiz “what the fuck is wrong with the three of you” when taako eats that crystal piece
  • unrelated to the above event  “oh no it’s a vore thing!”
  • “tell julia i said i love her”
  • “how’s elvis?” “…still alive”
  • “it sounds like you’ve given me an even better lesson- a new mystery to solve!” “oh fuck”
  • “blizzard can you get off my nuts for a second!”
  • “it’s seventh level……necromancy” *slightly distant, loud laughter*
  • “what was the last thing you said?” “i said i love you jules”
  • but it’s not… what julia would want. so i’m gonna have to pass”
  • the entire section where justin is being given the left or right choice and everyone is losing it bc he was literally told earlier in the arc
  • “this figure in the red robe… is you”
  • the entire section of taako convincing garfield to sell the sword to him for a useless item. (especially griffins “oh my god”s when he realizes what’s going on, and a quieter one a few seconds later)
  • “[….] he just looks like a smaller taako” “griffin- a taquito?”
  • “i’m gonna say the pocket workshop can only sustain 2 boys at once though, because i don’t want you to have an infinite bag of boys that you can just put boys inside”
  • “welcome… to the monster factory!” *laughter*
  • “flipping off is a free action”
  • griffin describing taako transforming, before saying “and turns into… a tyrannosaurus rex”
  • “i’ll be having my body back, you undead fuck”
  • “okay… you pee while holding two flame throwers”
  • “listen… light them the fuck up”
  • huh… i feel sad.  and he kills you”
  • “our capacity for love increases with every person we cross paths with throughout our lives and with each moment we spend with those people. ”
  • “it delighted in your company, magnus, and it still does.”
  • “today is going to be one of those memories”
  • “if she were to look under the table, she would see that his legs are visibly trembling in absolute panic”
  • “you are home… here… in cycle 99″
  • “sometimes there aren’t right decisions sometimes there are just… decisions.”
  • “when someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal” (and on)
  • “this is it…. this is it”
  • .”Those are the arms that have held my wife”
  • “i have nothing, and i don’t give a shit. the world is ending, and i don’t care”
  • “hell yeah, dungeons and dragons is back”
  • “no i’m gonna leave all that in” “no griffin no”
  • “should i talk slower so everyone who’s been complaining about us not playing d&d has time to nut?”
  • “You’re dating the grim reaper?!” 
  • “i’ve got magic powers.” “was that supposed to be some big reveal?” (and on)
  • “it’s upsy… your lifting friend” *laughter*
  • “i’m a wizard, my name is taako, and i’m pretty- well- fucked”
  • “no dogs on the moon”
  • “i’ll take one taco, with extra destiny” *laughter* “yeah, fuck it, i’ll teach taako how to make a taco”
  • “thanks for not ripping my arms off, magnus”
  • “whats up ghost rider”
  • “it says thanks for reuniting it with it’s kids […] and it says, you’re even”
  • the entire section of  “and __ walks over to __” during ep 68
  • “but that stops here”
  • “hear that babe? we’re legends”
  • “and then… you see john smile”
  • “i’m allowed to ask the dm one question, and he has to answer honestly” “alright go” “did you have fun doing the adventure?” “yes” “okay!”
  • “you know the best part of the fantasy costco? free samples”
  • “much like the best science on earth, you’re double blind”
  • “i reach into my fucking bag and grab my immovable rod. i’m not going fucking anywhere”
  • “you hear a voice through this rift say, you’re going to be amazing
  • “and then… light”
  • “Johann was right! We won!”
  • “i know about the silverware”
  • “sorry, so you want to be earl merle?”
  • “not just because you saved the world, but, because i know how hard you’re trying”
  • “we see you one last time, as… magnus rushes in”
  • magnus’ entire speech to carey
  • “that was the world you made, that was the ending you earned”
  • “the story of four idiots who played d&d so hard they made themselves cry”

every fucking day i think of that scene where lionblaze lifts a fucking tree. like. a cat. a cat the size of your own housecat. a cat. cats arent that big, right? like they’re bigger than mice but smaller than a lot of dogs, right? we know what a cat is? a cat. lifted up a fucking tree. a beech tree specifically. those arent twigs. they’re not the little trees you call babies. they’re huge. he lifted it. lionblaze of thunderclan lifted it. he put the tree on his back and pushed up and the tree lifted.

a fucking cat

lifted a tree

on his tiny cat back. and no one fuckijng cared. no other cat in thunderclan said anything. everyone just went “wow” and went back onto their lives. no one pulled him aside. no one asked him how. they just accepted that fucking lionblaze lifted a fucking beech tree.

Eggsy Unwin having a crush on you would include :

(Woooo more prompts! Woooo Eggsy 😍Hope it is as requested and you all like it :3 Gif not mine/found it on google/credit to the original owners.)

-Him already liking how casual you were to introduce yourself to him and even more as you’d kindly help him setting his bed that happened to be right next to yours when you both started as recruits

-Him really not minding having all the conversations with you at night as you’d both stay up late and admit to one another about all the things you miss or not from back home

-Him liking to tease you and playfully brag to you about how better he is whenever you’d both train in the yard and in the more physical work, only to quickly regret it when you’d prove him wrong on countless of occasions

-Him hating how the other wealthier recruits would make fun of you for any reason, and always going out of his way to defend you, even managing to make you laugh while at it

-Him purposely going out of his way to dote on your dog just to get it like him, so he could brag and tease you about it, only to have been scolded by the other instructors by not caring as he wants you to pay attention to him

-Him being amazed that you’d take his success to heart and helping him study his ass off for the written exams, despite you both being in the run and him just returning you the favor when it comes to the physical tests

-Him just being a natural flirt around you and liking to point out whenever you’d blush for fun, only to casually let it slip that he finds you pretty that way

-Him getting annoyed when you’d have to flirt with someone during a mission and always interrupting you to make it clear that you’re not interested in them, only for Merlin to have to yell at him to back off from all of your earpieces as this is your test

-Him getting actually shy and bashful whenever you’d compliment him, whether it be how he looks in a suit or as he’d get a good grade in his test, he’d just be thankful and shy from all of it

-Him being more than excited when he learns that you and him are both part of Kingsman and won’t have to separate, only to hold you tightly and celebrate the news a little too much, kissing you and obviously hinting his feelings for you


Tags : @Erikaaferns, @ecurrier109, @purplemuse89, @fandomwritingismylife, @ichimaruai,@samwinchesterhasbeensaved, @happyshaddow94,@master-of-schadenfreude, @my-youth-is-my-own, @iammostdefinitelyonfire26, @girlmeetsbullshit, @withered8dandelion, @forestraccoon, @byzantium-glytch

Can’t Afford the Vet?

You have probably heard the phrase “if you can’t afford the vet, you can’t afford the pet” and it is true to a degree. Pet ownership doesn’t stop after the purchase of the animal and it is my personal opinion that getting a pet when you know you cannot afford vet care is selfish.

There are of course many people who fully intend on taking their pet to the vet but life happens: they lose their job, family members get sick, the pet gets hit by a car, etc. What do these people do? The absolute best thing to do is be prepared as much as possible. Get pet insurance! For something like $25 a month you can get your pet insured and it will cover most illnesses and accidents. Get a savings account. Put money away every month, as much as you can afford and use it only for vet visits. If your dog gets hit by a car or needs emergency surgery it can easily cost $5,000.00 so try to have that much in savings ready to go.

Go see the vet at least yearly. I cannot stress enough how much preventative care does exactly that: prevents illnesses. I have caught heart disease, cancer, retinal disease and more just doing annual exams. The owners had no idea their pet was ill. By taking care of these things before they got worse these owners saved thousands of dollars. Vaccines are important too, especially for puppies and kittens. A parvo vaccine may be $20, treating parvo can cost into the thousands.

Understand that you don’t have to do everything your vet recommends, but also understand the repercussions of declining. For me personally, I cannot sleep at night knowing I didn’t offer every single pet owner the very best care. Who am I to judge what people can afford? On a more selfish level, if I didn’t offer the best care and a pet died or became ill and the owner filed a board complaint, I could be fined or even lose my license.  This is true for all vets. So please understand we must offer the best care and at least give you the chance to understand what you are declining. If you do decline testing or medication, understand that this limits what we can do for you. I had an owner decline testing a lump on his cat but he became very angry when I couldn’t tell him what the lump was. We offer tests for a reason. Also understand that sometimes if you decline care your only option is euthanasia. People do not like it when vets suggest euthanasia but sometimes this truly is the only other option. It isn’t right to send an animal home to die a slow and painful death simply because the owner cannot afford treatment but refuses to do the right thing and euthanize.

Also understand that wasting time on Google and pet care forums wastes precious time and money. I can cite numerous cases where an owner spent months or more researching and trying things on their own and it was something a vet could have fixed in a single visit. By the time the pet comes to us it is too late. By all means get care advice from other trustworthy sources but if an animal is ill, the internet is not your friend.

I know that there are those out there that will say they cannot put anything in savings, they cannot afford pet insurance, and they cannot even afford basic vaccines. To you I say, don’t get a pet. It just isn’t right to take a living thing into your home knowing you cannot provide it the care it needs. If you want that connection with an animal go volunteer at a shelter and walk dogs, babysit friends pets, there are lots of other ways to have animals in your life without owning one.

anonymous asked:

My friend and I got into an argument about whether or not animals find other species babies cute. I argued that any small mammal with babyish traits could possibly evoke a protective reaction in some mammals. in other words, they find them cute. That would explain some of the strange interspecies adoptions. What is your opinion?

@why-animals-do-the-thing might want to weigh in on this one.

The current theory is that the things humans find ‘cute’ basically look like babies. Kinderschema is the technical term for this, and it’s basically a list of features that human babies have, which we as a species seem to be hardwired to find ‘cute’ and therefore want to protect and care for those things. These traits include big eyes, large heads and small mouth/noses. These traits are easiest to spot in cartoon characters that are considered ‘cute’.

But you will also notice them in our smaller dog breeds.

As a species, humans have a really strong urge to care for our neonates. We have to, babies are dependent on adults for a really long time.

So for another species to have a ‘cute’ response, they would likely need the following traits:

  • Juveniles dependent on adults for survival
  • Juveniles with different physical characteristics from adults.

Whether those traits be appearance, sound or smells doesn’t really matter. I’m told wolves often mistake dog sounds for wolf pups, but don’t know how true that is.

With that criteria it might even be possible for a parental reptile to have a ‘cute response’ to something. It’s also possible that certain bird species find cuckoo chicks ‘cute’, since the cuckoo chick is adapted to encourage the host birds to feed it.

It’s certainly possible that this is the reason why some species have been recorded ‘adopting’ juveniles of different species, but whether their behavior patterns are analogous to the human ‘cute response’ is difficult to determine.

yall heard of the paladin’s fursonas what they’d be as animals, now get ready for their pets

Keith

  • He’s really not a dog guy, and no he’s not a cat dude either. While he was living in his shack he did however find this chill lizard he named God.
    • He’s pretty sure it’s a male lizard???or not but its ok they’re best friends
    • Lance, looking into Keith’s makeshift tank at his shack: dude i think God escaped???? Keith: nah he’s just an outdoor lizard Lance: ????an outdoor???lizard???
  • God is actually several desert lizards that come by to eat the food Keith leaves out but don’t tell him it’d break his heart

Pidge

  • Pidge loves her dog Bae-Bae!!!!!1!
  • And yes i say her dog bc no one else wanted a dog but Pidge. 
    • Matt was going to school at the Garrison, her mom hates pets and Sam is horribly allergic to dogs.
    • Pidge is spoiled though so he puts up with it. really he just stays in the office all day to avoid her
  • Colleen Holt: sweety r u sure u don’t want something smaller like a dachshund or a yorkie or??? 10 year old Pidge, holding the 30 pound Bull Terrier in her arms: this is the one

Shiro

  • Had one of those HUGE fluffy Samoyeds he named Marshmallow!
  • He really didn’t want a dog??(he can hardly take care of himself) but his buddy’s dog had a litter and offered her as a puppy and she was so cute and small!!!how could he say no??
    • They neglected to tell him that dogs, do in fact, grow
  • She has a lot of fur, but it’s therapeutic for him to just sit down and brush her outside after work
    • Keith has to brace himself against the door when he comes over bc she will trample him and just lay on you
    • He conveniently forgets to tell Lance this when he visits oops
  • Shiro’s the type of dude that carries his 50 pound dog like a baby around the house
  • This video with Shiro and his dog that is all

Lance

  • Big family = plenty of pets
    • Before he wanted to be a pilot, he wanted to be a veterinarian!
  • They had chickens!!! No one wanted to take care of them but Lance and he got along with them really well! He knows all of their names and holds like them his newborn babies
    • when he was sad or his older siblings bullied him he would sneak into the coop at night and talk with them(sometimes he fell asleep with a chicken in his arms)
  • Is the “pet whisper” with everything but their old family cat Mitzi. Mostly bc she bothered the chickens and was the devil incarnate 
    • 8 year old Lance, holding their chicken Rosita in his arms, eyeing Mitzi: the devil is in this house tonight..
  • If they were back on Earth, he would be the Brother Nature dude
    • Lance, feeding the chickens: no need to fight ladies, Everybody Eats!

Hunk

  • Really loves dogs!! But sadly his moms were those people and wouldn’t let him get one
  • They did settle on a turtle named Benjamin! And he loves him a lot!!!
  • Hunk used to play his guitar to Ben and sing him songs he wrote himself!!
    • When he was told the Garrison didn’t allow pets he legit cried for 3 hours
  • Lance doesn’t really get it, but if he makes Hunk happy that’s a good pet
    • Lance, holding Hunk’s turtle: hey Benji, blink if you think Hunk should sneak out with Lance tonight.*Lance blows on his head so he blinks*: Agreed little buddy, truly benevolent.
Signs as things I've texted my friends pt. 2
  • Aries: I'm like that girl in teen movies that gets a makeover and is suddenly hot
  • Taurus: if you text me "oof" one more time you're getting blocked
  • Gemini: THAT POST WAS ME SHITTING ON THE KEYBOARD IDK HOW IT GOT POPULAR
  • Cancer: are u making friends, how is your mental health??
  • Leo: I WAS ABT TO MAKE A JOKE THEN U SaID THAT YIKES
  • Virgo: DO U WANT ME TO LURK FOR U
  • Libra: I feel like such a little lonely ass pussy bitch
  • Scorpio: if he had nice arms to grab I wouldn't care what my guy looked like
  • Sagittarius: 💲⛎©© 🔛 Ⓜ️💴 🆑ℹ️✝️ 🅱️ℹ️✝️☪️♓️
  • Capricorn: I just say yes to everyone i can't handle confrontation irl
  • Aquarius: it's ok not everyone has what it takes to be a meme
  • Pisces: I've watched the vid of me with ur dog on ur story TOO MANY TIMES

Man you can tell Millennials aren’t buying houses because homeowner’s insurance companies really have not caught up with us in terms of 

“I want to get this quote online”
“My phone number: an epic poem about how I never answer my phone unless I know who’s calling”
“I am not buying a conventional standalone house” 

Like damn, son, do you sell insurance to anyone under forty? 

Of the six places I’ve tried to get a quote from so far, three required my phone number (the other three required it but didn’t fuss when I entered all zeros), one’s website broke when I tried to customize a quote, two couldn’t provide me with an online quote at all, and three didn’t have options for entering data that wasn’t about a freestanding house. (OR a “Victorian row house” which, LOL – those were my options, freestanding house or VICTORIAN ROW HOUSE. I wish.) And all of them also want to sell me car insurance for the car I do not have. 

Progressive has a so-called “condominium” insurance quote but once you get to the bit where you actually tell them about your home it is PAINFULLY OBVIOUS they are ill-equipped to deal, because they want to know if I have a bungalow or a victorian row house condo. Though they do win for best hilarious question with “Does this home have a trampoline?”

Also, yikes Safeco: If you own one of the following breeds of dogs, it may raise your insurance rates: Akita, Chow, Doberman, Pitbull, Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Rottweiler, Presa Canarios, wolf hybrid or a mix of these.

I’ve never even fucking HEARD of the Presa Canarios. I googled, and they’re quite handsome animals, but I can see how they might be tarred with the same unfair brush as a pittie. 

Aw, puppy. 

Props to Geico, who instead asked simply “Do you have or care for an animal who is vicious or attack trained”, a much better question. 

PS: Dear insurance agencies my birthdate is the fifth of none of your fucking business, 1979. (I know they need to know how old I am but they don’t need my actual birthdate, that’s nonsense.)

There’s a dog on her balcony.

No, that can’t be right. Her office is on the 33rd floor, and the dog would have had to travel up all those floors past 18 different layers of security, walk right past her, and somehow unlock open close and then relock her balcony door without anyone noticing. So no, that high pitch bark that just sounded behind her must be something else. There is no actual way that there’s a dog on her balcony right now.

A loud yip followed by claws scrambling against the glass wall behind her suggests otherwise.

Slowly, Lena allows herself to turn around annnnddd yep. There is definitely a dog. Her first thought - after realizing the impossible has once again happened to her - is that that is one tiny sounding bark for such a huge animal. And it is huge, standing on its hind legs nearly as tall as her, it’s paws and drooping tongue pressed to the glass. As if sensing her thoughts the dog barks again, high pitched and excited. It obviously wants to come in.

Lena can see the muscles flexing in its limbs and figures an animal that size could get in with or without her help, so she might as well be proactive about it. The balcony shakes from the force of the dog’s tail smacking the ground faster and faster, its excitement growing with every step towards it Lena takes. The entire floor is shaking now as she reaches the door, pausing for a moment to stare at what may be about to kill her. The dog just presses its face to the glass, as if it’s trying to get as close as it can, and Lena unlatches the lock just as tiny cracks begin to snake out from where the dog’s nails dig in.

All the air is forcefully head-butted out of her lungs as the dog tackles her, knocking her to the ground. She feels it’s massive jaw opening against her own and she clenches up in anticipation of the bite. Imagine her surprise, then, when she’s instead treated to the absolute slimiest tongue imaginable roughly dragging across her face. It gets a solid four swipes in before she can fully get her arms up between them, trying to shield herself from the goop that’s dribbling excitedly onto her face. She’s pretty sure a puddle is forming around her.

The dog opts then to push its head again at her, pressing it into her hands and chest and face with a desperate sort of enthusiasm. Hesitantly, she scratches behind its ear.

“Good boy,” she says, and is met with another yip and sloppy tongue. A few more careful pets end with the dog sprawled out completely on top of her, pressing its face into the curve of her neck, unmoving if not for the continuous room-shaking thump of its tail.

Lena’s not sure how long she lays like that, a monster of fur and muscles pressing her down with its enthusiastic affection into an ever growing puddle of sloop. She does know when Kara arrives, though, because the dog finally moves. His head perks up and before she can even think to say something the dog is bounding towards the now open door and tackling Kara.

Lena scrambles up then with a shout of warning, but Kara is fine. In fact, the beast has jumped up on its hind legs to lick at her face with abandon, and Kara’s just laughing!

“Krypto,” she says, “there you are!”

Kara’s glasses are practically ripped from her face by the force of licks raining down on her.

“Lena, where did you find him? This is that dog I was telling you about, my new rescue!”

Lena has to forcefully pry her clothes from the floor, the saliva puddle sticking like duct tape. Kara looks so beautiful when she’s happy.

“I found him in the park,” she says, after watching their reunited love fest for a moment more. Krypto - seemingly remembering her now - turns to lunge back at her but is yanked back by Kara’s firm grip. The dog’s claws scramble against the floor as he fights her grip but Kara holds firm like there’s barely any resistance at all. Lena’s arms ache from their harsh collision with the floor.

So many things are beginning to make sense now.

“Lena, I can’t believe it. I’ve been so worried about him. Thank you so much for bringing him here.”

There are happy tears in her eyes and Lena really can’t do anything but sigh in defeat.

“Of course, Kara. You know I’d do anything for you.”

*  When students graduate from the academy, they get a dragon egg. The egg chooses you by glowing when you’re next to it.

*  Dragons talk through minds. Owners can talk and hear they’re dragon all the time but they can talk to other people personally.

*  When a dragon dies, it’s the painful experience. It’s like a part of your soul is ripped out of you.

*  There’s a special wing in the hospital for people who have lost their dragon.

*  Sakura has the runt but ends up breaking the record for biggest dragon in Shippuden. It lives in one of the training grounds cause it’s so big.

*  Sakura’s dragon is male and white with one red eye and one green eye.

*  Sasuke gets the biggest but it grew like a foot and that’s it. It’s the smallest out of everyone’s in Shippuden.

*  Naruto has a hydra but it’s like 1/6 the size of Sakura’s dragon in Shippuden.

*  Naruto’s dragon grew the fastest.

*  Kiba’s dragon is small enough to let Akamaru ride it.

*  Sai’s dragon is thin and black like ink and disguises itself as a tattoo.

*  In the winter, Sai wears his dragon as a scarf.

*  Ino’s is a male dragon. She was first disappointed but he grows on her.

*  Ino’s dragon is the same height as her when standing.

*  He would wear her clothes without permission until finally she would start buying two everything.

*  If a date isn’t going well, they’ll switch.

*  Kakashi inherits his father’s dragon. It’s a wise old dragon.

*  “Stop reading porn in front of children.” “Shut up they don’t know what I’m reading.”

*  Jiraya’s dragon is a female dragon that “helps” him with ladies but fails since she’s just as pervy.

*  She writes a dragon version of Icha Icha in dragon runes.

*  Ino’s dragon reads the dragon Icha Icha.

*  Shikamaru’s dragon is the opposite of him. It wants to do everything.

*  Gaara owns the sweetest small fluffy dragon that lives in his freezer. Because of this his gourd is instead a portable freezer. It steals all the popsicles and hisses at you when you try to take one.

*  Neji’s dragon is a male dragon who is in love with Sakura’s dragon. He makes Neji meet her all the time. His dragon is also super pervy,

*  Neji’s dragon is a Chinese dragon. All Hyuga’s have Chinese dragons.

*  “Please stop making me visit Sakura” “GOD DAMN IT NOW I’M IN LOVE WITH SAKURA”

*  Shino’s dragon is very fairy like. It’s the second prettiest dragon ever. It’s also male.

*  Shino’s dragon helped catch bugs with Shino but it got big and started squishing the bugs.

*  It sobs whenever it squishes bugs cause it did a bad but Shino tries to tell him it’s alright.

*  “No no it’s fine please don’t cry you’re fine” *dragon sobs ten times harder*

*  It learns to be nimble and careful with everything.

*  Itachi had to kill his dragon and he thought he did but it actually survived and hides itself in the leaf village (FUCK YOU ALICE FOR MAKING ANGST).

*  Itachi finds an egg in the wild and, thinking his own is dead, takes it even though it didn’t glow. It ends up being an albino dragon so it hides in his cloak.

*  Sakura finds Itachi’s original dragon though and takes care of it secretly.

*  He later reunites with his original dragon and it’s so fucking emotional everybody is crying even the enemies.

*  When the founders were still around, Izuna’s dragon was killed by Tobirama and Izuna went into a mindless rage and that’s how Tobirama was able to kill him.

*  Tsunade keeps Dan’s dragon along with hers. They mourn together over Dan’s death.

*  Kakashi also keeps Obito’s and Rin’s dragons but Obito’s “disappears” making him think he failed yet again.

*  Obito’s dragon knew her was alive tho.

*  Kakashi now has three (two after Obito’s left) and eight dogs.

*  Madara’s dragon is pure black and spits ameratsu.

*  When Madara comes back from the dead, he fucking yells and fights Sakura cause Sakura’s dragon beat his dragon’s height by a few centimeters and he wasn’t having this shit.

*  Sasori’s dragon is super poisonous to the touch.

*  After the fight with Sakura, it follows Sakura everywhere.

*  Now Sakura has two dragons.

*  But now Sakura got tricked into resurrecting Sasori and now both Sasori and the dragon follow her everywhere.

*  Peins dragon is made of metal. Pein’s piercings come from the dragon itself.

*  Konan’s dragon is the prettiest of them all.

*  Hidan’s dragon is super chill and when Hidan stabs himself it starts to freak out and cry even though he’s been doing this for so long so Hidan has to stop for a moment to cuddle his dragon to make it stop crying.

*  Kakuzu’s dragon shares a hoard with Kakuzu and it will steal money from everyone.

*  Kushina’s dragon is the loudest.

*  Choji’s dragon eats Choji’s food without him knowing so when Choji goes back to his food he wonders where it all went but everyone except Choji knows his own dragon eats his food and they just stand there and laugh as they watch it happen.

*  “WHERE DID ALL MY FOOD GO?!?!” *Held back laughter in the background*

*  Hinata’s dragon is a huge dick. He’s her opposite.

*  Tenten’s dragon is made of metal with a lot of spikes. It’s thin and long. It will fling itself at the enemy. When it does that it’s flailing around like a fucking noodle and then lodges its spikes into you while you’re laughing at its noodle-likeness.

*  Tenten uses her dragon’s scales to make her weapons.

*  Gai’s dragon is 1000000% done with Gai’s shit. It likes Kakashi more. It’s super lazy.

*  Hashirama sees Sakura’s dragon in the fourth war and questions if Tsunade had a secret child or something because H O L Y  F U C K!

*  Genma’s dragon is a porcupine-like dragon. When it gets scared it shoots out spikes everywhere. It also smacks him whenever he makes a shitty pickup line.

*  Sakura’s dragon will randomly screech sometimes and everyone in the village will stop everything and think about what they just did and how badly did they fuck up.

*  “Oh god did I do something wrong what did I do just now AM I GOING TO DIE?????”

*  Haku’s dragon breathes ice.

*  Deidara’s dragon spits fireworks.

*  The seven swordsmen get chosen by dragons and those dragons deem them worthy of making a sword out of its teeth.

*  Temari’s dragon has huge ass wings to help with wind for her fan.

*  Kankuro’s dragon is snarky and yet very flirtatious. It flirts with Sakura. No not her dragon like actually Sakura.

*  Neji is pissy about this fucking dragon flirting with the girl he likes.

*  Lee’s dragon hates Sakura which makes him upset.

*  “PINK AND GREEN ARE OPPOSTIE COLORS I  H A T E”

*  Sakura’s dragon jokingly flirts with Kakashi’s wise old dragon but the wise old dragon takes it as a fucking challenge and tries to flirt back with him better. There’s no real romance.

*  Neji’s dragon sees this and just sobs forever. Neji has to ask Sakura to come over and talk to him about it.

*  “I WANTED HIM TO BONE ME BUT HE WANTS TO BONE AN OLD MAN INSTEAD!!!!!”

*  Sakura tries her best to hold back laughter and just cries.

*  “It’s okay it’s not real flirting. The old man’s dick is probably small too.”

*  A week later Kakashi’s dragon is like “I HEARD YOU WERE TALKING SHIT”

*  “LISTEN I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING! HE WAS SOBBING OKAY!”

*  Anko’s dragon hangs out on her boobs. Covers it up mostly. But Anko will try to push it off but it climbs back on.

*  When she has a guy flirting with her she will seductively unzip he jacket and then it just breathes fire on the guy.

*  Iruka’s dragon protects the academy. It protects Iruka more tho.

*  “These are my children but this is my permanent child.”

*  It also takes care of the eggs before graduation and is very proud of all of their choices in owners.

*  It however hates Kakashi. When Kakashi passes the academy it always flips him off.

Grantaire who hasn’t always been allowed to express his emotions, who grew up on a steady stream of ‘men don’t cry’ and 'don’t be a pussy’ learning to proudly love the amis

Grantaire who didn’t know that a friend could say 'I love you’, slowly incorporating it into every time he texts his friends, saying it again and again and again, getting a little thrill each time he gets a rely of ’ I love you too’ because he didn’t have people telling him that when he was a kid, after his mother died. That was supposed to be 'weak’ but he’s not weak for loving others the amis say.

Grantaire who is almost as bad as Enjolras about ranting about how amazing the rest of the amis are, who wants to tell the world he loves them because before he found them any compliments would’ve been met with a 'what, are you gay?’ When they go toe to toe complimenting each other, its a sight to seen, the loudest form of PDA.

Grantaire who loves to send his friends photos of flowers, or dogs, or just a string of emojis to say 'im thinking about you’ because he’s had to pretend to not care about people for so long, or face sneers and jokes and exclusion and ridicule.

Grantaie who hates the world but loves other so much, finally in a place where he can express that love.

hi pals!

so as we all know, my dumpster fire of a family, the pittsburgh penguins, have done some fuckups lately! i’ve gotten a couple of asks about it and i thought i’d just make a post.

Q: DO YOU THINK THE PITTSBURGH PENGUINS DID A FUCK UP?
A: buddy, i sure do!!!!!!

Q: ARE YOU SPITTING MAD ABOUT IT?
A: buddy, i sure am!!!!!! you can tell because i have yelled a lot. i plan to yell some more, all season, until they’re like, “why won’t this girl leave us alone?” and then i’ll be like, “YOU KNOW WHY PITTSBURGH!!!! YOU KNOW WHY.”

Q: DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE GOING TO STOP SUPPORTING THE PENGUINS?
A: listen…………no. sorry. it doesn’t. i feel weird and conflicted about it, but they’re still my favorite team and i still want them to threepeat unless they lose in game 7 to the marc-andre fleury golden knights. that would also be fine.

Q: BUT YOU JUST SAID THEY WERE BAD? HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT SOMETHING BAD?
A: i am a complex person capable of loving something and being disappointed in and angered by it at the same time.

Q: DON’T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD JUST SUPPORT A DIFFERENT TEAM?
A: i’m really sorry but it doesn’t work like that, and even if it did work like that, literally the only team in the NHL that is not guilty of something is the las vegas golden knights and that’s because they are 3 days old. i’m not saying it doesn’t matter just because everyone is doing it! of course it matters. arguably it matters more, because it is a symptom of the toxic and greedy shit the NHL does, constantly. of course it is fair and right to be angry, specifically, at the pittsburgh penguins, and even specifically sidney crosby, who had the platform and the opportunity to do a good or even just morally neutral thing and instead chose to do a gross thing. i support 100% your and my right to be angry at them/him. 

it isn’t that i think it’s not a big deal. i think it’s a very big deal. i’m so, so angry at them. i’m angry with them while i’m watching them play and i’m angry with them while i’m ignoring their interviews out of spite. remember that scene in sex in the city where charlotte is like, “mommy loves you but she can’t look at you right now” to her dog?

that’s how i feel about the pittsburgh penguins.

but i still want them to threepeat. if you feel like you have/want to give up being a fan of the pittsburgh penguins, or even make them your hockey nemeses, i support you doing that. do what you gotta do, bub. we all have our limits about what we can tolerate in the things we love, and if this is your limit, then please! abandon them. i don’t blame you.

Q: BUT–
A: i know, buddy. i know.

Q: IF YOU STAY A PENGUINS FAN YOU MUST CARE MORE ABOUT SPORTS THAN DOING WHAT’S RIGHT.
A: okay, well. we’re all works in progress.

Q: I CAN’T FOLLOW YOU IF YOU’RE GOING TO KEEP REBLOGGING THE PENGUINS.
A: i get it!!!! be free, little bird.