English isn’t my native tongue and I feel really lazy, so I’m going to make it quick. I am alone and lonely at the same time, I have no friends like I have messenger, snap, instagram, twitter, tumbler, even fucking tinder( lol to fill the emptiness inside of me with some men’s attention tbh, I don’t really care about none of these dudes and even on tinder, I may have a lot of dudes who seem into me, nobody is talking to me), I can’t make friends at my job because I just cannot trust these people. The closest person I am at my job is this white girl who’s like the boss favorites but she is kinda hypocrite and I don’t know I don’t really trust the girl. My family never calls me, like my parents call me like 2 times a month maybe, but my two other sisters ? It’s like I don’t exist to them. And oh let’s not talk about my aunts and my cousins who live in the same area as me, they don’t want to fuck with me, not even a bit. One of my aunt came to my job( i work in clothes store) and I was like so happy to see her and she just ignored me. In August, I had no more money left so I couldnt eat, and I asked my cousins and aunts to help me ( in christmas time, let’s call her aunt 1 told me that if i need food and help i can call her, that’s what i did and her son barely help me ) and like yeah i’m not even going to continue on this that is too disappointing for me lol. My family doesn’t financially and emotionally help me and that shit hurts. My sister is probably “ wealthier” than me ( we both live on our own, im 18 almost 19 btw and my sis is 22 i think) and i asked for one damn dollar one day( i wanted to see her reaction) and she said no. So that tells you a lot about my family.
Friends now. HA HA HA. i feel miserable, at my job no one wants to fuck with me idk why, everytime i talk to them at break they are doing shit on their cellphone. My friends from other cities, they never talk to me. There was this white bitch who came back in my life and like i really liked her and we were good friends but i’ve noticed that that she was always being dramatic and making the convo about her like even when i was like feeling down she was like “ okay why it is right now who tell me this??? You dont trust me???” like i need emotional support dumbass right now, not a fuckinng lesson. And she gives these super rainbow calinours advices that we all know that cant help, and since she have her boyfriend, she just stopped to talk and she told me she will never let me down and she is and im not even being dramatic about and like aaahhhh fuck off. My life is just shit. The two “ friends” that are the same area as me is this lightskin girl but she is like so toxic and disrespectful but at the same time, she is the only one who can chill me with me and stuff and she’s kinda cool and the other one is an asian who is cool but like she always want to go in a bar and get drunk, i dont like spending my money. When i am in bars with her, she is the one who get all of the attention so no.
The people around me suck, i am not the attractive kind of black girl, i am self centered and kinda of narcissic, and like i really need help. I am not in college, i took like few months to relax myself from college but i want to go back in winter if they accept me but im scared as fuck. I applied to an anglophone college and maybe y'all dont feel concerned about this because this blog is predominantly african american but as a franco canadian this is a big challenge for me. The college i go to is not only super anglophone but like most people there are fucking rich kids from the suburbs and i’m not. I live on my own, i pay on my shit, since im 16.
You know what scares me the most? Is to be alone but like forever. I will never find true love dont fucking tell that i will because that is a lie that im tired to believe in. Like yo, im not your typical black girl. Full 2017 trendy dressed, with beautiful loose curl and a random straight wave with makeup on point, and big curves, im not like that. I am not trying to brag here but i really do believe im different from most black girls and that is a good and bad thing. People expect me to be extravertie and funny but i just cannot be like that, not everyone understand my humor sense, anyway. And yeah, this is mean but i dont like to waste my time talking to unecessary people if there’s not something in it for me, right??my personality is horrible as well as my looks and i reallly dont think a men will find a once of beAuty in me. I forced myself into loneliness because i dont want to have hope and get disappointed. The last dude i like “ dated” is on fucking hard drugs and want to become a girl ( not because he’s trans tho because he wants to “ experience” and he’s tired of his masculinity) ohh good lord, i hate seeing these average boring lightskins or black or asian girls getting all the men and like people seem to easily like them. I make one fucking mistake at my job and everyone be hating me for this. Jesus christ, how other black girls deal with being … a black girl? Im 18, caribbean, franco canadian and black and i’ve always have problems because i am francophone and black and a girl. Can someone help me. I have my first appointement with a therapist soon ( like tomorrow, we are the october 9 today) and i hope this wont be useless and will lead me to something good. Most therapist i met, just let me down and disappeared.
To fill my lack of daily love and cuddles and attention, i decided to focus on money and grades. But i know that one day, when i’ll be really wealthy i’ll miss being with people. Im getting bad and bad and bad. I started AGAIN to cut and to bleach. This time im using lemon and baking soda instead of buying toxic shit, doesnt seem to work tho…
I need comfort please Help me