how the hell are you supposed to do that

A Deal With The Devil

Story by reddit user CommanderSection

The deal was simple; we’d get to ask him a couple of questions and he got to ask us a couple of questions. A bit odd if you ask me. What could The Devil possibly want to know from us? I couldn’t tell you.

“Is heaven real?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, his voice like dying embers in a fireplace, “and so is hell.”

Keep reading

100 Dialogue Prompts: Part 2

We did it amigos. Another list! I am so grateful that you all are sharing your ideas to help inspire others (faith in humanity restored)

  1. “Where is my fucking pudding?!”
  2. “I thought we agreed to never use butter for that reason again…”
  3. “Well if it’s the guy who never shuts up about toilet paper!”
  4. “Honey, did you see my sniper rifle?”
  5. “Oops…”
  6. “God damn it he died. Whatever. Just leave him there.”
  7. “Listen, I know you’re upset, but please put down the baking soda before someone gets hurt.”
  8. “Look, about the monkey…”
  9. “I don’t understand! I only used a finger.”
  10. “It’s not as hard as you think, I promise.”
  11. “well this is what i call hell of a night”
  12. “How could an entire school disappear?”
  13. “What do you mean the brownies are "not quite brownies”?“
  14. "Yes, I understand that its cool, but why does your toaster have wings?” “Well its alive of course. It flies.”
  15. “Don’t turn that on!”
  16. “Wait…I’m also- technically- underage and you’re a stranger…should I be screaming also?”
  17. “I though you meant "literally” metaphorically. “
  18. "Ok so don’t get mad but I might have started a war.”
  19. “Good morning… I see the assassins failed again.”
  20. “You’re a murderer, how are you working at a hospital?”
  21. “That cat just stole my cereal!”
  22. “Did you see that? Please tell me you saw it.”
  23. “Hey, can you stop shooting people right now? We’re trying to sleep.”
  24. “THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS KEITH!”
  25. “If you think I’m leaving you and your demon eyes and evil horns you’re wrong.”
  26. “What do you mean, this isn’t Earth?”
  27. “Damn it, ____! Not peanuts again!”
  28. “Why did I just press the big red button?”
  29. “So tell me again why this dead body is being sent to Goodwill?”
  30. “Lucifer, I know that we said we would share rent but you never said anything about your brother living with us.”
  31. “God dammit, I’m supposed to be a bat! Why the hell am I a possum, Karen?!”
  32. “Sarah, where’s the dog?” “Up in space?”
  33. “You had only one job and it wasn’t even a difficult task, but seriously, how did you end up like this!?”
  34. “Well I never said I WASN’T going to kill the bartender …”
  35. “I mean, it was only a small eldritch being, so it wasn’t that bad…”
  36. “Hold me back bro!”
  37. “I think there’s a new lifeform evolving in my fridge.”
  38. “WHAT THE FUCK?!”
  39. “Can we have lunch now, or do you still want to continue looking at dead people?”
  40. “I can’t believe you ate my cheese…we’re over”
  41. “Sometimes I wonder why we’re still friends.” “Because I turned you into a cyborg after being shredded by an explosion and you owe me.” “…Fair enough.”
  42. “Well, I didn’t quite expect to wake up pregnant either and yet… here we are, so can you please pass me that can of bread?”
  43. “Ok, I know I said ‘You can throw a hairbrush at them’, but I didn’t actually mean it!”
  44. “When I told you to feed the dog I didn’t expect you to feed him the neighbors cat.”
  45. “Clearly, you’ve never gotten rid of a body before…”
  46. “This sort of thing never happened when I was dating your brother.”
  47. Sometimes, I wonder about you. And then I worry.“
  48. ” Wait, wait, wait, start from the very beginning. how did you manage to set the house on fire with that??“
  49. "For fucks sake, dude, how many times do I have to tell you that that’s not what penises are for?”
  50. “One woman’s terrorist is another woman’s freedom fighter.”
  51. “This isn’t right… the humans shouldn’t be able to move on their own.”
  52. “Why is unicorn blood on our shopping list?”
  53. “Must you unhinge your jaw like that when you eat? It’s disgusting.”
  54. “You’ve violated the law, my trust, and your friend. Tell me, why should I believe anything you say?”
  55. “No, no don’t open the fridge, I need to keep they eyeballs cold.”
  56. “did he break his jaw again by falling down a flight of stairs?” “Passive aggressive much?”
  57. “For the last time, put the declaration of independence back!”
  58. "That isn’t permanent, right?”
  59. “You know, ripping someone’s beating heart right out of their chest with your bare hand looks cool in anime, but irl it’s just unsanitary…”
  60. “She didn’t tell you” “Tell me what” “He’s dead”
  61. “But his dad is an asshole–” “HIS AUTHOR IS AN ASSHOLE”
  62. “You are here and you haven’t tried to kill me yet. You must want something from me.”
  63. “The salesperson made a flying tentacle monster sound a lot more alluring, I swear!”
  64. “Okay…the radiator just growled at me”
  65. “Dude, were you listening to me? Why are you barking?” “I’m not barking. I thought YOU were barking!”
  66. “How did you get that bump on your lip”
  67. “Buddy. You need to chill, and put that knife away before I get out my gun.”
  68. “ ” I dare you to take your shirt off" “ no” “ I doubledare you” “No” “I tripledare you” “ god dammit Steve , im not wearing a Shirt!”“
  69. "Why the fuck are there founding fathers in our living room”
  70. “Girls only say 'I will not dignify that with a response.’ when they’ve done the thing you’ve just accused them of.” “Do you know this, because you’ve done it?” “I will not dignify that with a response.”
  71. “They think we’re terrible but really we’re only mediocre”
  72. “You’d think by now we’d stop bringing death into these things. Look at them, they have anxiety!”
  73. “Ok, first of all asshat, stop touching me. Second, that is never going to work out! Third, stop TOUCHING me.”
  74. “So if I do understand, you’re telling me that you created insects robots. The same one that destroyed the city. ”
  75. “Why is THIS in your fridge? This is some serious contraband.”
  76. “Please tell me you’re joking about marrying the bastard’s son we call Satan.” “ Don’t talk about your mother like that!!”
  77. “Did you explode the microwave again?!”
  78. "Honey where’s the dog?” “Like I said, I’m making a smoothie.”
  79. “Fifteen bucks you can’t hook up with Satan.” “Make it twenty.”
  80. “I don’t know, maybe because he has some semblance of taste?
  81. "What could possibly make you think eating three tons of cheese for the mice in radiation-test labs was okay?!”
  82. “Who actually let the dogs out?”
  83. “Hey, you don’t know how many bodies are buried in my backyard.”
  84. “I told you to kill me.” “I did. Just this morning.” “Well, shit!”
  85. “So… This isn’t the end, is it? I mean I still want to hang out with you at least. Maybe go for another space adventure, hm?”
  86. “I’m sorry, it was the HEAT OF THE MOMENT,”
  87. "Hey, wanna go out for a romantic moonlight killing spree?”
  88. “So, you’re into …..? Huh, I never would’ve known.”
  89. “Did you hear that scream?” “Yes, I’m the one who screamed”
  90. “What are you doing?”
  91. “But really, why would anyone need two dozen armadillos?”
  92. “You can’t keep 'solving’ your problems by going to another dimension!”
  93. “I still can’t believe you assassinated a unicorn.”
  94. “Wait, you have FOUR knives?” “No, no. I have four knives ON me.”
  95. “I’ve killed a man using only a copy of Hamlet and a computer mouse. I am NOT afraid of you!" 
  96. "What the hell are those?”
  97. “Are you sure you’re not an arsonist?”
  98. “I know, right? You’d suspect any of them of secretly being an alien, but not…”
  99. “Why didn’t you stop?”
  100. “So, start explaining why there are dozens of puppies in my guest room.”

Let’s make another list. Part 3! Leave a reply and don’t forget the double quotes “”. I want to give everyone a chance to contribute to our community. So as always, one prompt per amigo. Dankje! 

anonymous asked:

If one hypothetically wanted to read your Eldritch Abomination Garfield fic, how would one go about finding it as directly searching for 'garfield' hypothetically does not include the fic?

“They bought it?” Lyman asked as Jon hung up the phone.

“I got the contract,” Jon confirmed, dazed. “I’m — I’m syndicated.”

“You did it, man!” Lyman said, clapping him on the back. Odie barked.

“They’re already thinking about merchandising deals,” Jon continued, staring into space.

“I told you things were going to turn around for you,” Lyman said with a nod. Odie continued barking, making it clear that he was not just trying to be supportive. “Hey, look, I’ve gotta take the dog for a walk. If the alarm goes off while I’m gone, can you take dinner out of the oven?”

“Yeah,” Jon said, with no real conception of what he was agreeing to. He still had not yet finished processing that phone call, the idea that he was going to be paid, consistently, that he was a working cartoonist, that his comics would be in papers. Merchandising deals. Merchandising.

It was not until he heard the door that Jon realized he was alone in the apartment.

Just him, and Garfield.

From the corner, it growled.

Jon’s heart spasmed; he hadn’t realized it was in the same room. “H—hey,” he said. It would have been a dumb thing to say if it was a normal cat. It was a dumber thing to say under the circumstances. Its eyes glowed red in the shadows. “How are you?” he asked, then winced as the cat growled again. “Heard the good news?” he asked weakly.

MY END OF THE CONTRACT HAS BEEN FULFILLED

It rumbled through his brain like an earthquake, words without words. He covered his ears even though it wouldn’t help. “Yeah, thanks for—”

I WILL FEED

Jon’s heart spasmed again, overwhelmed with the sense of a hunger not his own. “Right, about that—”

YOU WILL FEED ME it said, words written in blood, thick and hot.

“—yes, I got that, I’m just not really sure what I’m supposed to—”

MEAT and the word throbbed, tore.

“Would chicken be okay?”

UNACCEPTABLE it said in broken bone and jellied marrow.

“I don’t want to stereotype you by assuming you want to eat my roommate—”

YES GIVE ME HIS HEART it said, pulsing, torn flesh.

“—but you can’t eat Lyman.”

I͇̤͜ ̭̩W̨͕̪̠͙I̧̫͍͕̤̥̥̥L̜̜̭͔̪͢L̡͉͍͍͓̣ ͇F̤̜E̤̱̼̩͙̺͢E̥̳̫D̯͚̰ͅ

The glowing eyes moved from the shadows, grew larger, taller. Hellfire, if fire could cast dark instead of light, orange and red, fire and blood. The indistinct shape that might have been a cat became an indistinct shape that might have been a man, large, always large. Jon shrank back as it stretched to fill the room, tried not to look directly at it. Hot breath and sharp teeth against his skin, even though it couldn’t have been, because he was still wearing his jacket.

There was a chiming sound.

WHAT WAS THAT

“Uh.” Jon swallowed, hard. “Dinner?”

FOOD

“Yes,” Jon said, “but I don’t know if you can eat people food…”

Garfield sat in the middle of the floor, wide as it was tall. Its gaze was baleful.

“Right. You can eat whatever you want.” Slowly Jon inched around the cat to head toward the kitchen. “I don’t really know what it is, though. It might be… vegan.”

Garfield hissed, the sound of pain, and Jon fled toward the oven.

I SMELL MEAT

Jon stopped himself from telling the cat get off the counter. “I think it’s a casserole,” he said, removing the dish to set it on the stove. He gingerly removed the lid, his hands safely wrapped in oven mitts. “Oh. It’s lasagna.”

GIVE IT TO ME

“It has to cool,” Jon said. Garfield hissed again, and the sound turned Jon’s blood to fiberglass. He backed away, and the cat leapt bodily and entirely into the baked pasta. It did not seem bothered by the fact that the pasta sauce was still bubbling, and Jon tried not to look at the void of its mouth. A black hole rimmed with fangs, an absence of all light, drawing in all that it touched to disappear within.

WHAT IS THIS it asked, and a hellfire paw batted at a stretchy piece of mozzarella.

“… cheese?”

The cat-shaped thing nodded, still sitting in the dish of lasagna.

WE DO NOT HAVE THIS

“You don’t have cheese in hell?”

It nodded again.

“I guess that’s what makes it hell.” If Garfield appreciated this observation, it did not show it. It cracked open its maw again, more lasagna disappearing, and Jon looked away. “That lasagna was supposed to feed us for a week,” he sighed. “How much longer do I need to do this?” he asked.

UNTIL YOU ARE SATISFIED

“Until I’m satisfied?”

YOU MUST FEED ME TO SATISFY YOUR HUNGER

Realization dawned. “Wait, but — I thought this was a one-time thing.”

IT WAS NOT

“If you leave, I get fired?”

PERHAPS

“So I might still be able to make it on my own.”

DO YOU BELIEVE YOUR SKILL IS ENOUGH TO BRING YOU ALL THAT YOU DESIRE

Jon thought of the portfolio sitting in his room, and sagged. “… no.”

It grew, limbs stretching, claws turning to fingers and then claws again. It sat on the counter like a solid mirage, licking red from its hands.

YOU WILL HAVE RICHES BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS it said in truffle oil and fur and gold. SO LONG AS I AM FED YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HUNGER

Syndication and merchandising deals and maybe someday a cartoon on television. His signature in every newspaper in every house in the country. In the world, even. He raked his fingers through his curls and tried not to look at its claws.

“I guess I’m stuck with you, then,” Jon said.

It didn’t slide off the counter the way a man would, shifted off like drifting smoke or licking flames, stood and was no shorter. Tall and broad and solid, a weight to its presence as it moved closer. Jon shrank back again as it loomed, and this show of submission seemed to please it. Hot breath and sharp teeth against his skin again, and he shivered.

YES YOU ARE



DOCTOR DREAMY | PT.2 [M]

pt1 | pt2 | (ongoing)

pairing: jimin x reader

genre: smut, fluff, slight angst + expecting parents au

word count: 11,035

request: sperm donor ex-boyfriend jimin

description: Okay, maybe in hindsight asking your ex-boyfriend, who you never really got over, to be your sperm-donor wasn’t the brightest of ideas.

cr. 


six years prior.

“Do you wanna have kids one day?”

Jimin tilted his head as if to ponder the idea before tugging you across the bed until you were leaning against his chest, curious eyes catching your own.  

“Sure, I mean one day. One day, far, far away,” He said, pointing his finger off into the distance jokingly.

You laughed, hand skimming along the back of his neck. “Yeah, me too.”

“Any particular reason why you’re asking?” He said as he began playing with the strands of your hair.

“I dunno,” You shrugged. “We’ve been dating for a long time, just thought that it’s something we should know about each other.”

Jimin nodded, “No, you’re right. It’s kind of something you should figure out before things get too far in the relationship… Guess we waited a bit too long, but we’re on the same page, so that’s good,” He smiled, leaning down to place a short peck against your lips.

“So that means you think that information will be put to good use one day?” You asked, quirking your brow to insinuate.

Keep reading

100 Dialogue Prompts: Part 5

Great team work, amigos. Here’s is part 5! 

  1. “Why is there a naked Ken Barbie doll tied up in your room?” “Goddammit, ____! I told you not to go in there!”
  2. “No Candice, I am NOT selling you my soul again.”
  3. “why is the fairy holding a gun.”
  4. “Jesus Christ on a boat made of crackers, what are you doing outside of the pod ship again?”
  5. “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT” “He said I couldn’t… and I thought it was a challenge…”
  6. “How the fuck did you dye the ocean ORANGE?!”
  7. “Why are the roses green?”
  8. “Great, you made death angry.”
  9. ”この___だ!”
  10. “That better be a press on tattoo.”
  11. “If you only listened to the nature, you could learn more than humans ever passed to us.”
  12. “So, we’re dead?” “Well, kind of… yeah.”
  13. “Remind me again why you have a centaur tied up in your truck?”
  14. “Can you stop staring into my soul every time we meet? I feel exposed.”
  15. “You do realize that he wasn’t breathing when he spoke to us, right?”
  16. “I liked you better when you where possessed by that demon friend of yours”
  17. “You’re absolutely in love with him and have been for at least 2 years if you don’t go tell him how you feel I swear to god I will”
  18. “There are worse things in life than death.” “Nobody asked you,Lucifer.” “Just saying.”
  19. “Well, it’s wonderful that you’re having a sexuality crisis, but in case you forgot, we’re kind of in the middle of STOPPING THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!”
  20. “Why is there a horse crashing on our couch?” “Oh, that’s Satan.”
  21. “Why would I hang out with you? You’re so incompetent! Your sacrifice to the faeries was so insufficient!”
  22. “Where the hell did the dragon go?! He was right here!”
  23. “Ok, the recipie calls for two cups of lemon and a cup of sugar, but all I see are cough syrup and battery acid…”
  24. “What do you mean today’s not a Tuesday?!”
  25. “So everyone on Earth had the same dream as me?”
  26. “you know what will solve that? Scotch.”
  27. “I didn’t ask for this!” “… you didn’t?”
  28. “How is it that the least likely outcome is always the outcome I receive?!” “You should go buy a lottery ticket.”
  29. “Guys, i know you’re all busy, but if any of you wants the dinner done, i will need my arm back”
  30. “Of COURSE I care about you. That’s why I sold your soul on the black market.”
  31. “JOHN I AM BEGINNING TO QUESTION THE VALIDITY OF YOUR PLAN” “AS AM I ALEX, AS AM I”
  32. “What?”
  33. “I will take the concept of my rage, transform it into a physical weapon, and use it to BEAT YOU TO DEATH!”
  34. “Did you really HAD to slap the shark?!” “I mean… If you want me to kick it-”
  35. “I don’t care, your tamagotchi dying is not an excuse to wake me up before noon!”
  36. “You are telling me that the socks with hearts that I’ve been mocking since the first day you arrived are, in fact, what keep you alive?” “Yes!” “What?”
  37. “So you really want me to believe that you’re actually from the future?”
  38. “Dude. What have you done. Now we HAVE TO save those aliens!”
  39. “Can you just stop?” “God no, why would I do that?”
  40. “Hey at least I get laid doing it”
  41. “While that’s a lovely story, it doesn’t quite explain the fires.”
  42. “Dude, please tell me that you planned to deal with her guardian angel when you killed her.”
  43. “That’s such a stupid idea… let’s do it.”
  44. “What do you MEAN this just HAPPENS?!” “All the time, actually.”
  45. “I swear, one day you’ll kill us both.” “Oh please, I’ve never been that reckless.” “…” “That was ONE TIME!”
  46. “Why did you buy a nuke?!” “Why wouldn’t I? It was on sale”
  47. “I am fueled purely by rage and instant coffee.”
  48. “How are you a million years old, bit you can’t even remember who George Washington is?”
  49. “Because I gave not, a single shit.”
  50. “Is that a marijuana? In my good  Christian suburbs?!”
  51. “WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE?? YOU NEVER USE THE DRAGON, YOU IDIOT”
  52. “I don’t care if he’s a unicorn, NO ONE EATS MY MINI EGGS!”
  53. “Jesus Christ Lewis! *Again* with the Snails?” “It’s Thursday! You said Thursday’s were okay!”
  54. “Here’s a story for you. I woke up in Vegas as a makeup guru. I was REALLY drunk.”
  55. “If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you…WAIT, NO IT WAS A JOKE, STOP!”
  56. “You’re kinda like hitchhiking Ghost Busters, aren’t you?”
  57. “For gods sake, ditch the fanny pack”
  58. “Take the tomato!” “No, I don’t want the tomato” “JUST TAKE THE TOMATO”
  59. “‘That’s no moon!’ Everyone  remembered Jimmy’s words that night as he scolded his friends for half-heartedly pulling their pants down.”
  60. “WHY IS THERE A BEAR IN MY BATHROOM”
  61. “Can you believe it?” “Just barely.”  "Man, I never thought he would ACTUALLY throw the chair.“
  62. "What did you THINK girl scout cookies were made of?”
  63. “Really? That’s not what I heard from Mrs. Sanchez across the hall!”   “Mom she’s literally a possessed cow, why do you listen to her?”
  64. “You got the rubber chicken, cheese whiz, and dish soap?” “Yep” “Ok, let’s do this!”
  65. “Are you building a life-sized Godzilla at 3am again?”
  66. “Don’t get pissy at me, YOU’RE the one who didn’t say what kind of tea bags to get for the clown!”
  67. "So YOU’RE the guy the math textbooks warned us about.”
  68. “Where’s our cat?” “I thought you were responsible for it?..”
  69. “What do you mean I’m half demon”
  70. “why are you duct taping a cat to the ceiling?” “aesthetic.”
  71. “Hope is a lie. So is philosophy, morality, language in general, the sky, dogs, and about a third of the population of Michigan.”
  72. “So let me get this straight. You filled a Darth Vader costume… With cats?”
  73. “How did I die this time?” “Well, it was pretty quick. I missed it, but from what I can tell, you convinced an entire school of 4000 people to throw watermelons at you all at the same time.” “…And?” “The impact of the watermelons threw you back a couple hundred kilometers and you landed in the ocean…inside the mouth of a particularly hungry shark.” “Goddamn it I wanted this death to be metal!”
  74. “Yesterday I learned that my childhood friend was a demon.”
  75. “Please tell me you said 'What bothers me most.’ "Yes? What the hell did you think I said?” Well….it kinda sounded like “His father’s meatloaf.’
  76. "Goddammit, why won’t you die?!”  "I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! “
  77. "I’d appreciate it if you fucking stopped, thanks.”
  78. “What the hell is this?” “It’s jello, you eat it”
  79. "You didn’t” “I did and I made them watch”
  80. "Why in the hell did you think this was a good idea?” “Look, YOU try saying 'No’ to not just a primordial deity, but my little sister as well.” “…Ok, you got me there.”
  81. “How do you know that it’s supposed to look like this?”
  82. “Are you making *tea*?!” “Well what else am I supposed to do?” “I don’t know maybe STOP THE MONSTER THATS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!”
  83. “Why are you in a dress?” “Lucifer wanted to have a tea party. You don’t say no to Lucifer”
  84. “So you’re telling me that aliens invaded while I was on vacation?”
  85. “I appreciate the gesture but I prefer my horses fried rather than alive.”
  86. *whining* “But Mooommm, I don’t want to save the woooorrld!”
  87. “Now I know not to cry there”
  88. “What if we DIDNT kill the king every Thursday” “Good idea we’ll kill him on Fridays instead.”
  89. “So you’re a zombie now?” “I guess I am” “So what are you gonna do about it?” “*shrug* I don’t know….”
  90. “I guess you weren’t joking when you said that the world is ruled by ants”
  91. “When I die, tell everyone 'I told you so.’”
  92. “You’re not real… You’re only in those silly books!” “Correction, my dear, you’re the fictional one.”
  93. “There was no 'free pie’ you moron! You stole it!”
  94. “Okay, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that my pet rock has gained sentience, just like we planned! The bad news is that it turns out he’s evil and is currently building a rock army with the intent of taking over the world. aaaand, he’s trying to get Mt. Everest on his side.”
  95. “Why is our baby on a wanted poster?”
  96. “Zombies are people too, Mom!”
  97. “… I’m gonna go for it. Hold my head for me real quick, and don’t put it on a mannequin like you did last time.”
  98. “Fascinating… I was unaware that was physically plausible.” “I know right.”
  99. “ACHOO!” “Bless you.” “No sorry, that won’t work on me.”
  100. “Bye, Felicia. Take you and your cat ears! GO!”

Prepare yourselves, because starting from tomorrow we will be making ‘100 Prompts That Will Make You Cry’ lists. Hope you enjoy this one. Which prompt do you like the most?

2

This was supposed to stay a doodle…

so with the news about geoff taking a sabbatical, my brain did the “ridiculous headcanon” thing it does and imagined fake ah crew geoff getting burned out (”because organizing you assholes is like trying to herd a fucking swarm of hornets”) and deciding to go on vacation for a while to recharge

and geoff’s basically like “do not call me unless there is an emergency,” and for geoff an emergency consists of:

  • the actual, literal apocalypse
  • nothing else
  • do not call him

but geoff pretty quickly finds out that for the crew, an emergency can be:

  • “did you pack underwear” —jack
  • “i can’t find the remote” —gavin
  • “geoff please i can’t find it call me back” —gavin
  • “gavin and i are arguing about the probability of flipping three coins and the– geoff? hello? did you hang up on me?” —ryan
  • “ryan ended his murder break because of an argument with gavin and is trying to blow up everything in the tri-county area” —michael
  • “michael’s a fucking tattletale” —ryan
  • “i’m drunk and i wrote a rap about you here listen” —jeremy
  • “i’m drunk and jeremy wrote a rap about you and i beatboxed and it’s amazing please answer your phone” —lindsay
  • “i’m drunk and weepy and i miss you” —virtually everyone, on the same night
  • (“i’m sober and annoyed and please save me” —ray)

geoff bursts into the penthouse two weeks before he’s supposed to return and everybody’s basically like what the hell are you doing geoff you’re supposed to be relaxing and geoff has a conniption fit

random drama sentence starters
  • “Can you stop thinking about yourself for once?” 
  • “Don’t think I forgot about what you did last time.”
  • “I know you lied to me.”
  • “I’m not even sorry.”
  • “You backstabber!”
  • “I never want to see you again.”
  • “You never mattered to me.”
  • “I knew this was a bad idea.”
  • “Rot in hell.”
  • “It was supposed to be a secret!”
  • “No one loves me.”
  • “He/she/they is/are so petty…”
  • “You made me cry.”
  • “I don’t know who you are anymore.”
  • “How DARE you?!”
  • “I know you’re not talking to me…”
  • “I SAW you with him/her/them!”
  • “Just leave me alone.”
  • “What did you do?!”
  • “I told everyone that I didn’t want to talk but I’m actually dying for attention.”
  • “Just admit that was extra…”
  • “I forgive, but I don’t forget.”
  • “[text read thirty minutes ago]”
  • “Did you see what he/she/they was/were wearing?”
  • “So what if I had sex with your ex?”
  • “There’s something I have to tell you…”
  • “I can’t do this anymore.”
  • “You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.”
  • “I never loved you.”
  • “It’s too late.”
  • “Quit ignoring me.”
Jackson Heights - Peter Parker

request -  Hey! I was wondering if you could write a fic where the reader is recruited to fight in civil war with Steve and she ends up fighting peter and while fighting they spark up a conversation and become friends? And then soon they become more than friends?

a/n - going back to peter in civil war and trying to bring out his more rookie/dorky side was fun but i went back and forth with a ton of ideas for this fic, i hope it turned out good enough and isn’t trash like me :( but don’t forget to request a fic if you’d like and follow!

The airport terminal was ripped into pieces as the minutes went by. The battle between Stark and Rogers had spread like a disease, influencing the whole team to pick sides and fight until one victor remained. I was among that group, suddenly finding myself fighting against the people whom I held dearest to my heart, supposedly helping Captain in this messy situation.

My back was pressed up against Wanda’s, circling around to defy anyone that came near us. T’Challa had tried his best to come and toy with us, my spine shivering once I heard the claws come out of his suit and pounce towards Wanda and I, only to be stopped by the force of her hands. I watched as his body flew across the premise, landing on pieces of debris.

“(Y/N). Spider-Man coming for you from Eastside.” Carter said over the intercom.

“Spider what?” I furrowed my brows, turning around only to get swooped into the air.

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Masterlist

Mobile-Friendly

Fics marked with * are ones that are either fan favorites or ones I am really proud of

Newt Scamander

Scars

Occamy Incident

Work Partners

You’re a Cinnamon Roll!

Sickness Sucks *

Queenie’s Matchmaking 101

Don’t Tell Me How To Raise My Children

Jealous

Your Scars

Drunk

Protective

She’s a No-Maj?

Newt Scamander’s Day Off

Escaped Niffler

Back Home

I Love You, and Only You *

Tell Me Everything

You Seem Familiar

An Arranged Marriage

Don’t Worry Darling *

Don’t I Know You?

Pet Store AU

Animagi

Fear of the Thunderbird

Dating Newt Scamander Would Include…

Perfect

Writer

Teaching Newt How To Cook Would Include…

I Think I’m In Love With My Tutor *****

Newt Dating a Photographer Would Include…

Newt Being the Little Spoon Would Include…*

Of Course I Believe in Magic

Draco Malfoy

You’re the Best Thing That’s Ever Happened to Me

Leave Her Alone *

Leave Her Alone Pt. 2

What Would They Say?

Bad Day

I Don’t Want to Be the Reason You Get Hurt *

Injured Rabbit

Dating Draco Malfoy Would Include… *

Can I Take Your Picture?

A Taste Of Your Own Medicine

A Taste Of Your Own Medicine Pt. 2

Draco Malfoy Loving Musicals Would Include…

Yule Ball

Drabbles

Newt

“Honey, do you know where my–what the hell happened to you?”

“Did they hurt you?”

“I may be an idiot, but I’m not stupid.”

“Don’t shut me out.”

“The skirt is supposed to be this short.” & “How long have you been standing there?”

“I’ll kick his ass if you want me too.”

“If you use up all the hot water again, I swear to God!  You’re on the couch for a month!” & “Quit it or I’ll bite you.”

Draco

“Do that one more time and see what happens.”

“Please enlighten me with why you have detention this week, love.”

“I just like proving you wrong.”

“Did they hurt you?”

“The skirt is supposed to be this short.”

Let me rant about jungkook for 3 seconds. first of ALL. HOW DARE HE WHISTLE LIKE THAT. WHY WAS HIS JAW LOOKING SEXIER THAN IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ?! WHO IN THE WORLD ALLOWED HIM TO HAVE THAT DREAMY YET SENSUAL LOOK ON HIS FACE WHILE WHISTLING LIKE THAT ? BRO, EVERY TIME YOU WHISTLE , WE ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE JUST LIKE A BOMB DOES (get it ? Because ‘make it whistle like a missile bomb’ ) SECOND OF ALL, WHO THE HELL ALLOWED YOU TO BE SMOOTH LIKE THAT. I DO NOT APPROVE. I BLINKED FOR THREE SECONDS AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME ??!! I NEVER ASKED TO BE MURDERED, I ONLY WANTED TO LIVE A PEACEFUL LIFE AND HAVE A BIAS WHO CAN CHILL. OH YEAH , I FORGOT .THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS HAVING A BIAS WHO CAN CHILL TF OUT IN THIS BAND. MY HEART HURTS AND YOU’RE TOO AESTHETICALLY PLEASING FOR THIS PLANET. GO AWAY. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO KICK YOUR ASS, SO GO BACK TO DRINKING MILK AND HUGGING YOUR PILLOWS. MY HEART HURTS PPL. PLS TELL ME I’M NOT ALONE IN THIS 😭😭

Learning to be at peace is the most unpeaceful thing
Because you have to start paying attention to the noise you had blocked out


And when you dampen the voices in your head for so long
It’s like standing in front of every person on earth when you finally lift that screen


And all they are doing is shouting at you with indiscernible voices
Now you have to turn that into a feeling of warmth engulfing you


All I can manage to create, though, is the unbearable heat of hell
Created from the thousands of voices speaking all at once


How am I supposed to do this without going crazy?

Cute Bus Stop Guy

Sterek, Teen, 2K words, Meet Cute AU


Stiles groaned and took a very long swig from his travel coffee mug as he hitched his messenger bag up higher on his shoulder. It was barely eight in the morning, and consequently, he could barely keep his eyes open. He was a grad student for fuck’s sake, and it was understood that in order to make up for the shitty stipend and the whole working-around-the-clock thing, he got to sleep in until 10. At least. After all, if he was up until 3 working, it was only fair. But noooo, his advisor—fuck you, Finstock—had insisted on an early meeting today.

He passed the bus stop and realized that at least he was lucky in that he lived close enough to campus that he could walk instead of dealing with public transportation at rush hour. Small condolences, really, though.

He yawned and accidentally bumped into someone walking past him. Stiles tried to apologize, but the word got stuck in his throat when he opened his eyes and caught a glimpse of the person he’d nearly knocked over. He was about Stiles’ height but bigger, all broad shoulders and muscles capped off by really great hair and an unfairly attractive face. “Uh.”

The guy gave him a curt little nod and neatly sidestepped him, continuing on his way. Stiles snuck a look over his shoulder, and yep, the rear view in those tight slacks was pretty good, too. The guy stopped at the bus stop, leaning against the sign, and Stiles sighed. It was a dreamy sigh, even he could admit that.

He had a feeling he was going to become a morning person.

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random rp sentence starters

  • “ What are you doing here? “
  • “ I didn’t know you cared. “
  • “ Who are you? You look kind of familiar. “
  • “ I’m not just gonna sit by and watch while you’re getting hurt! “
  • “ I thought you cared. “
  • “ What happened to us? “
  • “ Hey, watch out! “
  • “ You’re not supposed to be in here. “
  • “ I care about you, you know! “
  • “ You’re lying to me. “
  • “ I was lying, okay?! “ 
  • “ I didn’t mean to push you away. “
  • “ You know this is a terrible idea, right? “ 
  • “ Don’t lose hope. “ 
  • “ What the hell are you doing? “
  • “ I can’t do this anymore. “
  • “ You can’t give up, not now! “
  • “ I should really practice more often. “ 
  • “ Am I supposed to know who you are? “
  • “ Get out of my house! “
  • “ I’m not in love. “ 
  • “ You’re always welcome here, you know. “
  • “ I really think we should turn around. “
  • “ This is stupid, this is so stupid… “
  • “ What was that sound? “
  • “ Tell me you see that too. “
  • “ Come on, get up! “
  • “ Wake up, please! “
  • “ I can’t lose you too. “ 
  • “ I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react to this. “
  • “ I just want to keep you safe. “
  • “ You don’t think I’m annoying, do you? “
  • “ I don’t want to be a burden. “ 

DID YOU WATCH THE VIDEO? Watch it and tell me Louis was supposed to stay put and not do anything. FUCKING HELL THEY WERE PHYSICALLY ATTACKING EL !!! I don’t give a shit what you think or who you ship!!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT OKAY and Louis was not wrong

there were girls literally pushing El into a corner and going at her. I ain’t gonna make presumptions what they ship but … you know. HOW FUCKED UP DO YOU HAVE TO BE RIGHT NOW to blame El or Modest or anyone other that fucked up people on that airport /?!?!!?!!?

A Deal With The Devil

The deal was simple, we’d get to ask him a couple of questions and he got to ask us a couple of questions. A bit odd if you ask me. What could The Devil possibly want to know from us? I couldn’t tell you.

“Is heaven real?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, his voice like dying embers in a fireplace, “and so is hell.”

“Who goes to heaven?”

“Whoever God wants there.”

“I’m afraid that’s much too vague for us.”

“What’s that like?” he asked, his eyes perking up.

“I’m sorry?”

“What’s it like to be afraid?”

A bit confused, I tried my best to describe the feeling of fear. My explanation was a bit clumsy but he appeared to be satisfied with it.

“Why’d you want to know that?” I asked.

“Because when God made me, he didn’t give me the ability to feel fear. I can’t feel lots of things.”

“What can you feel?”

“Pain.”

I got us back on track.

“Can you elaborate on your answer from before? About heaven?”

“Of course. Heaven is open to all of God’s creations, whatever they do.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. When I was called in, the people in charge told me that my primary objective was to secure information on how humanity could get to heaven. With that sorted, anything else I gathered was a bonus.

“Are you going to heaven too? Since you were created by God,” I asked.

“I could, but I won’t,” he replied.

“Why?”

“Because I committed the most egregious sin. I did something only God was supposed to do.”

“What’s that?”

“I tried to create angels. They didn’t work out. My angels were made in my image, so I guess I’m to blame. All they do is cause suffering and destruction, so God said they had to go to hell, to suffer for an eternity”

“You mean the demons?”

“Yes, I guess I do. I couldn’t go to heaven, not while my creations were suffering. So I decided that when the time came, I would travel to hell and suffer with them.”

“Why?”

“Because I love them.”

I checked my watch, “Time’s almost up.”

“Yes it is.” he replied.

“I have to go back and get debriefed.” I said, preparing to leave the facility. “They’ll be ecstatic when they get the good news.”

“And what might that be?”

“That no matter what we do, we’re going to heaven.”

“But you’re not, or anyone else for that matter.”

“But,” I said, my voice wavering, “You said…”

“Yes, I know what I said my child. But you’re not one of God’s creations,” he said with a tone I would mistake for sadness if I didn’t know better,

“You’re one of mine.”

The Time of Our Lives (Steven Moffat’s final DWM Column)

You know something I don’t know. You know who the next Doctor is. At least, I think that will be out by the time you read this. Old Chibs (as he must always now be known) is playing his cards close to his chest, and won’t tell me a thing. I attempted to give him some sage advice on the subject of secrecy, but he gave me a look, as if to say, “Seriously, have you checked your own record on this??” and had me removed by security. Again. But it’s comfy here, in my skip in the Roath Lock car park, and Russell is good company. When we’re both not crying, that is.

Actually, I’m not comfy at all. I’ve got everything crossed. Can Old Chibs pull it off? Can we actually have a new Doctor that’s a proper surprise, the way it’s supposed to be? I do hope so! But you know all that by now, out there, in the glorious new dawn.

And the fact is, I have no more news for you. Barely any secrets to keep. One more Special on Christmas Day, and I’ll be gone before the end credits. A brand-new team will go blazing into action, and in the far future, vast new Andrew Pixley Archives will form in the void.

But frankly, even I don’t care about me - this is all about Peter Capaldi. I saw him at the end, you know. The very last shot you see of him as the Doctor is in fact (brilliant scheduling by amazing producer, Pete Bennett) the very last thing Peter did on the show. Just as popping out the TARDIS and confusing Strax was the very first thing he did in Deep Breath, all those centuries ago. Since then he’s faced down a Mummy on the Orient Express, talked down a Zygon war using a couple of empty boxes, punched a wall for four and a half billion years, misunderstood the romantic intent of a puddle, decked a racist, insulted Santa, had a 24-year date in a restaurant, and played gooseberry when Missy met herself. He’s been gentle and fierce and rude and kind, and now with a wave of his hand and a flap of his cuff, he’s striding into the sunset to give it a piece of his mind. Be there for him on Christmas Day - Scotland’s finest in his final hour. He’ll break your heart and save your galaxy, all over again.

It was funny, that last day. I was in the studio for most of it, which is the first time I’ve ever managed that on Doctor Who. Normally, there’s so much else to do - new season to plan, new scripts to write, new stars to find. But now, with my time on the show winding down, with desks falling empty, and computers falling silent, and endless rounds of goodbye drinks, there’s nowhere else for me to be.

Brian Minchin is here today. And we sit and laugh and chat, and marvel at Peter’s extraordinary final performance. Every take is different and beautiful in a new way, and how the hell are we supposed to choose just one? It’s not goodbye to Brian, I’m delighted to say - he’s joining me and Sue at Hartswood Films, and we have dark and mighty plans.
Rachel Talalay, our finale specialist, is directing. She’s come back to see number 12 off into the shades but I very much hope she’ll be directing more Doctor Whos in the future. She keeps hinting that she won’t, though.

“You’re already directing the new one - you’re doing the regeneration!”
“Yes, but apart from that.”
“You probably know who the new Doctor is, and everything!”
“No, I don’t”
“You had a secret dinner with Matt Strevens and Old Chibs!”
“It wasn’t secret!”
“Well, I didn’t know about it.”
“No-one thought to tell you, it was just for people who are… you know…”
“What?”
“Involved.”

I was alright after a bit, and the nurse with the oxygen was very nice.

“Who’s the new Doctor?” I demanded to know from my stretcher, mostly in hand signals.
“I don’t know,” lied Rachel, probably.
“Just the initials.”
“I don’t know.”
“Will you tell me if I cry?”
“You’re already crying.”
“… Would you like ten pounds?”

There’s another goodbye coming up - and frankly it’s right here. My old friend, the wise and kind King of Numbers himself, Tom Spilsbury, is leaving this magazine. It’s funny, we’ve done almost everything in parallel in Doctor Who. He was assistant editor on the mag, while I was an occasional writer for Russell’s era. He became editor only shortly before I became showrunner. And now, at the end, we’re tumbling out the door together. We’ve tumbled out of quite a few doors together, but I’m damned if I’m telling you which pubs. Once a month, for so many years, Tom would remind me that this column was due. No, that’s a lie. He’d remind me several times a month. Towards the end, in a very high voice, with crying. Well, no more! These days are over. Tom’s entirely brilliant era of DWM is drawing to a close with every word you read, my time on Doctor Who is vanishing like breath on a mirror, and this column too is about to pop out of existence.

It’s funny how things you take for granted just disappear, isn’t it? That school you went to every day and then never go back to, that friend you part from laughing and never see again, all those doors that click behind you without you knowing they’re closing forever. I first wrote Doctor Who in 2004, and I very much hoped I’d get to write it again. Then I wrote more, and then so much more, until I thought it might go on forever. I remember at some awards dinner, telling Brian I loved my job so much I couldn’t imagine ever stopping. In other more melancholy moments I knew that everything ends and wondered what the very last words I’d ever write about Doctor Who would be. Well, the time has come, and here they are.

All my love, good luck and goodbye.

Lasagna

Paring: Peter x Reader

Request:

Could you do a PeterxReader chat where all the avengers try to find peter a girlfriend but then they find out you’re dating him? Could you please make it as funny as possible? Thanks!   


Tony has created a chatroom.

Tony has added Peter, Vision, Y/N.

Tony: Hey kiddos. What do you want for supper?

Clint has joined.

Clint: LASAGNA

Bucky has joined.

Bucky: LASAGNA

Pietro has joined.

Pietro: LASAGNA

Tony: Pietro, you are old enough to make your own dinner!

Pietro: so are the old men!!!!

Tony: They are Manchildren.

Bucky: I’m telling Steve!

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Here's what happened II
  • *Otayuri in Russia*
  • Yuri: Okay where do you want to sit?
  • Beka: I don't care you pick...
  • Yuri: UGH Beka come on your visiting at least choose something!
  • Beka: Okay *points* over there.
  • Yuri: See that wasn't so hard!
  • *later*
  • Yuri: Didn't you have a new mix or something you wanted to play for me?
  • Beka: Oh yeah here let me pull it up on my phone!
  • Yuri: UGH! I forgot my earbuds...
  • Beka: Don't worry I have mine~
  • *later*
  • Viktor: Ahhh where could our little boy be???
  • Yuuri: Viktor we are supposed to be grocery shopping. I doubt Yurio wants to see us anyways he left in kind of a rush...
  • Viktor: Did you see how he was dressed?! No cat print, so fancy, our son is with someone and we have to find out who!!!
  • Yuuri: Okay just because he dressed up nicely for one doesn't mean-
  • Viktor: I THINK THAT'S HIM! IS THAT JJ???
  • Yuuri: Whaaaaaat??? No way... See look I think it's Otabek...
  • Viktor: THAT GANGSTER WHO WANTED TO STEAL MY SON FROM ME?!?!
  • Yuuri: Ugh we have been over this a million times we KNOW Otabek. He would NEVER hurt Yurio. Awe they look so cute together...
  • Viktor: HOW DARE YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS!?!? I NEED TO GO OVER THERE AND GIVE THAT PUNK A PIECE OF MY MIND!!!
  • Yuuri: Better idea!!! Why don't we just casually walk by and act real suprised to see them and you don't try and kill Otabek! Mmmkay?
  • Viktor: They are really close together....
  • Yuuri: Viktor!
  • Viktor: Fine...
  • *Viktuuri casually walks by Otayuri who don't notice them*
  • Viktor: YURIO!!! FANCY SEEING YOU HERE!!!
  • *Beka panics and and stands up*
  • Yuri: What the hell are you idiots doing here?
  • Yuuri: Oh we were just in the neighborhood and decided to say hi! Hey Otabek no need to look like a deer in the headlights~
  • Yuri: Ugh can you two leave??? We were kind of in the middle of something...
  • Yuuri: Of course! We'll let you guys finish this d- this little outing of yours~
  • Viktor: DID YOU SEE HOW PANICKED OTABEK WAS?! HE'S HIDING SOMETHING...
  • Yuuri: This was supposed to be casual Viktor. You gave me a heart attack when you yelled at them...