how karkat saved christmas

OKAY. LET’S GET ONE THING OUT OF THE WAY. ELVES AREN’T REAL. THEY ARE A DUMB MADE UP FANTASY THING FOR DUMB EARTH CHILDREN. THINGS ARE TAKEN CARE OF LARGELY BY MACHINE HERE, NOT HANDCRAFTED BY TINY SINGING PEOPLE WITH WEIRD EARS.

AND YES, AS YOU MAY HAVE SEEN, THE USUAL SUSPECTS ARE RUNNING AROUND ALL OVER THE PLACE. SOME OF THEM HAVE FOUND WAYS TO BE MILDLY USEFUL BUT MOST OF THEM ARE JUST DRESSING UP AND DICKING AROUND LIKE FUCKING MORONS. I DIDN’T INVITE ANYONE AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THEY GOT HERE.

…COME TO THINK OF IT, HOW THE HELL ARE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE HERE AT THE SAME TIME? HOW DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE, EVEN WITHIN THE BOUNDS OF DREAMBUBBLE BULLSHIT? WHAT POSSIBLE EXPLANATION CAN POSSIBLY SATISFY EVEN THE MILDEST OF SCRUTINY?

AND WHILE WE’RE AT IT, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BOX?

“FOLLOW ATTACHED INSTRUCTIONS.” OKAY, WHAT THE HELL, I’LL BITE.

…OKAY THEN. THERE’S YOUR EXPLANATION. A WEIRD EARTH PHENOMENON CALLED ‘CHRISTMAS MAGIC’. WHY THE HELL NOT.

IT MAKES MORE SENSE THAN ELVES, ANYWAY.

SERIOUSLY, IF THERE WAS GOING TO BE PROOF OF ELVES ANYWHERE, OF PLACES, IT WOULD BE HERE. I’VE BEEN HERE AN ENTIRE ONE OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AND I HAVEN’T SEEN A SINGLE SIGN OF THESE SO-CALLED “ELVES”. IF THEY’RE REALLY REAL THEY’RE DOING A DAMNED GOOD JOB OF HIDING!

ANYWAY THAT’S ALL FOR THIS LETTER, BLAH BLAH GOOD TIDINGS ETC SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

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