how i met alex day

so yeah this kinda happened!!!!!!!!!

we were walking from carnaby street to soho and i was at the very end of our group and i was crossing the street and when i turned my head to see if there’re any cars i sAW ALEX WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH SOME GIRL????? so i though like fuck this this is a once in a lifetime chance there’re 7 million people living in london what is the chance you’d run to one of your fave youtubers?????? so i kinda ran away from our group and went up to him to say hi

i don’t really remember what exactly i’ve said to him because i was shaking and smiling too hard and everything so i think it was something like “hi i’m simone and i’m from the czech republic and i’m here in london just for today so this is a crazy coincidence i like your music and videos so much!!!” and he went “awww that’s so sweet thank you!” and i asked if i can have a picture so we took this pic and he made himself as tall as me and really really grinned and squeezed my waist and the girl who was with him took the pic and i just ???????????????

then i thanked him and said goodbye because my group found out i was missing so they were waiting for me ops but alex was actually so sweet in real life and didn’t seem freaked out by me at all and i just wow what

this has really happened

My second coming out

Those of you who know me are aware that I’ve been identifying as bisexual for years. After the most recent events in my life, as well as some soul searching and rethinking certain aspects of my past, I’ve realised that’s simply not true. I’ve been lying to myself and it’s time I admit certain things out loud because I want to be open and proud of who I am. This is my second coming out.

I am gay. I am a lesbian.

Honestly, the clues were there right from the start. I kissed girls when I was in primary school. I continued kissing girls in secondary school. Boys wanted my attention and fancied me, some of them even fought over me, but I didn’t fancy any of them back. I liked girls. I fancied girls. I dreamt and fantasised about girls. Girls, girls, girls. So in early secondary school, when I was about 14, I thought I was a lesbian. It was fucking terrifying. No one else I knew was like me, no one talked about people like me, most of what I heard was demeaning and humiliating and designed to scare me into thinking I was somehow broken. At best I was told experimentation was sometimes a part of young girls’ lives. So I thought I just needed to get it out of my system, that I was somehow a late bloomer on the boys appreciation front.

I waited until I was 16 and high school started. I had a few short flings with girls, and I know most of them were experimenting, which is totally cool and I get that. I thought I was doing the same. But. High school was serious, right? People were getting into more serious relationships, there was talk of sex (which I had at that point but obviously that didn’t count, it wasn’t real sex). And I thought maybe I just need to try, maybe I just need to give it a go to see if I find a boy attractive.

Now, as a little aside I should mention that my little two sisters were born when I was 15. I’m the eldest and I helped my mum a lot, feeding them, changing nappies, taking them for walks, playing with them, etc. The running joke in the family was that I was the second mum. And I loved it. I love kids, I love babies, yes they’re hard work but I adore them. I want to have my own. My little sisters made me realise that one of the things I want in life is my own family with kids. It sounds simple but I honestly don’t give a toss about building a career, I’m not bothered about earning shitloads of money, I want to find someone I could share my life with and build it with them. And since I come from a firmly heterosexual background it was ingrained in me that this is the way to do it. You can see how that worldview could cause a few problems for my sexual identity.

Back to high school. When I was 17 I made a friend. A male friend. I adored him, he adored me, we were best buddies. I could tell he was handsome and I guess I got a little thrill when he flirted with me. So I thought, aha this is it. This is me being attracted to a man. I can do it. I’m a late bloomer but I can like both. I’m bi.

That relationship never got further that snogging and a grope or two, and to be honest I should’ve paid more attention to the fact that I didn’t want to have sex and quite frankly touching his penis made me panic (EW GROSS). Anyway, the relationship was over quickly and I thought, well this was my first one with a boy, we just weren’t compatible or whatever. I can move on.

So I moved on, tried having casual flings with boy which never ever worked out. I liked them, I really fucking did, but christ I can see now the sexual attraction just wasn’t there at all. At the time I thought I just needed more time to feel comfortable with sex but that moment never came. And everything was perfectly fine when I was girls. Yeah, none of the relationships lasted but I didn’t have the same problems with sex. Again, fairly obvious signposts and alarm bells I didn’t pay attention to.

So this is how we get to my uni days. I was 20 when I met Alex. A man. Alex was, still is, a fantastic guy. We got on spectacularly well, we understood each other and clicked, and I did feel attracted to him. We were together for over 5 years. We did love each other fiercely, we really did, and I thought I found someone I could share my life with, I thought I found the person I could have a family with. He thought the same. But. Sex was an issue. I don’t want to get into the details but we did talk a lot about this and we both realised that was basically it: he was sexually compatible with me, I wasn’t with him. I’m gay, he’s straight. Me also realising I’m asexual didn’t help either. We split up amicably after we realised we have drifted apart far enough that we were behaving as a couple of best friends rather than an actual couple. Neither of us regret the last 5 years, we did actually have a great time together and we did love each other. It just wasn’t enough and it never could’ve been.

Which brings me to what I’ve been thinking about over the last few months. I think I convinced myself I was bisexual because. Because? No idea. Subconscious peer pressure? Internalised homophobia? Firmly heterosexual upbringing with heterosexual family ideals? I’m not entirely sure I can pin it down on one thing, it was probably a mixture of lots of factors, some of which I’m probably not even aware of.

Looking back at it now I should’ve listened to my first instinct when I was 14. My best friend once joked that I’m a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship and she was right. I’m a little ashamed that she knew this years before I did.

So here it is. I am gay. I came out again. Or, to be more precise, I came out properly for the first time. Hello.