how do i become a

I tried, you know? I held on to smaller pieces of happiness because that’s all I could get and I held onto them tightly. But old habits die hard. While I was learning to appreciate simple victories, I continued to criticize my shortcomings for not being good enough to warrant anything more. It’s a grueling battle against your own self. But I succumb to the cycle repeatedly, like an addiction I go back to over and over. Because that’s the only thing I know how to do, the only thing I am seemingly capable of—becoming my own worst enemy.
—  The Unkindly One
Stories I will never say out loud

squad

Based on this vine

kageyama bros fight!

There was a lot of build-up about how Yaldabaoth was a rare denizen with extreme choices. I was really convinced that Dirk would have to make The Choice and was disappointed that it never happened.

2

I don’t draw her too often, since I have a bit of a hard time with her, but I do still enjoy her design! So here she is!

this ask meme is based on the blog gravesuggestion.  i’ve divided it up into two categories  ( light  &  dark )  based on the themes.  some of these can be somewhat triggering seeing that the darker ones deal with a lot of death mentions.  please be cautious before continuing on!!

L I G H T

‘  at night i dream of you.  ’
‘  don’t give up yet.  you still have time to fix things.  ’
‘  falling in love with someone else is not a personal attack.  ’
‘  i am still so weak when it comes to you.  ’
‘  i can’t believe i let myself let you down.  ’
‘  i don’t care where we go when we die,  as long as i’m with you.  ’
‘  i dream of saying to you all the words i held inside until it was too late.  ’
‘  i feel so warm  &  safe when you talk to me.  maybe i could love you if you’d let me.  ’
‘  i finally let the right people in  &  i have never felt so loved.  ’
‘  i like the way your nails paint red stripes along my spine days after you’re gone.  ’
‘  i lived in your permafrost for twenty years  &  then you looked at me  &  i felt the warmth of spring.  ’
‘  i once wished you’d leave me alone,  but i take it back.  ’
‘  i want to be able to love someone else,  but you stretch your arms  &  spread your legs inside my heart so that there is no room for anyone or anything else.  ’
‘  i want to believe that we got it right this time.  ’
‘  i wonder how much longer i can cling to your light before it expires completely.  ’
‘  i would travel across the world to be by your side,  because as long as you are with me,  anywhere is a perfect place to me.  ’
‘  it took me awhile to realize it myself,  but you are not what other people say you are.  ’
‘  it’s not that i really need you,  but life would be pretty boring without you around.  there’s no one i would rather be with.  ’
‘  i’d like to stay like this for awhile.  ’
‘  life  &  death don’t have to be so boring,  let’s make both an adventure.  ’
‘  life imitates art,  they say.  i didn’t believe it until i started to notice the way your eyelashes look so much like tiny ink stroke.  ’
‘  live your life so that when you die,  souls will come for miles just to hear your historic tales.  ’
‘  make your exes jealous  &  your past self proud.  ’
‘  maybe you’re what i needed to find in order to move on.  ’
‘  never get caught falling harder.  they’ll never let you back up.  ’
‘  please don’t go.  ’
‘  some days it’s easier to just stop fighting it  &  succumb.  ’
‘  sometimes,  you’ll find it hard to keep going,  but you always will.  ’
‘  the desire i feel for you is that same itching,  insidious hunger that an addict has for their addiction.  ’
‘  the worst thing about you is that you weren’t all bad.  ’
‘  there is absolutely nothing  &  no one who can stop me.  ’
‘  there is no route of losing you that is without pain.  ’
‘  there’s still room for adventure  &  there is no one i’d rather have by my side.  ’
‘  things didn’t turn out the way i planned,  but i’m alright with that.  ’
‘  we could be really incredible together,  you know?  ’
‘  you are beautiful  &  vibrant  &  confident.  you are light  &  laughter incarnate  &  every fiber of your being screams freedom  &  joy.  when i am with you,  i am truly happy.  ’
‘  you are starlight incarnate,  from the grand way you sway your hips to the wide mysterious way you think.  blessed are any to be loved by you.  ’
‘  you are too afraid of the future to let go of a past that was never kind to you.  ’
‘  you call me yours  &  i have no idea what that even means to you.  ’
‘  you remind me of bubblegum  &  sweets;  soft  &  pink  &  warm.  you are strong in the gentlest way.  you are so stubbornly kind.  i wish i could be like that.  ’
‘  you still visit me while i sleep sometimes.  your fingers trace my spine  &  i listen to you breathe.  please stop haunting me.  ’
‘  ‘morbid curiosity’ is a wonderful way to describe how i feel about you.  ’

D A R K

‘  a thousand empty bottles  &  fist fights will never return to us what we lost that day.  ’
‘  everyone else has moved on,  but i am still here.  ’
‘  everything about you screams danger.  ’
‘  everything is worthless to you  &  you,  in turn,  became worthless.  ’
‘  for once in my life i want to be surrounded by people that i don’t feel like i need to impress.  ’
‘  freedom is really hard to get used to.  ’
‘  how could you do this to me?  how fucking could you?  ’
‘  i am becoming everything we always dreamed of  &  i am leaving you behind.  ’
‘  i buried you so well that you might as well have died.  ’
‘  i can rest easy knowing that the person i love is dead  &  not the monster you became.  ’
‘  i can’t look at you.  not now,  not ever.  ’
‘  i don’t ask how you’ve been.  what’s the point?  you’d lie anyways.  ’
‘  i dream of hearing the words i so desperately needed to lay your memory to rest.  ’
‘  i haunted this house first.  there is no room for you here.  ’
‘  i have a right to be upset.  i loved them too, you know.  ’
‘  i just want it to end.  i want it to all go away.  i want to go away.  ’
‘  i may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing,  but a snake hiding in the skin of a mouse is far more dangerous.  ’
‘  i saw your face today  &  didn’t feel anything.  i am free.  ’
‘  i tried to save you,  but you didn’t want to be saved.  you just wanted someone to suffer with you.  ’
‘  it’s almost as if you were never here.  ’
‘  it’s unhealthy to do these things,  you tell me.  you say it’s time to stop smoking,  time to stop gambling,  &  dammit,  i f you don’t stop drinking it’ll kill you.  i sure hope you’re right,  darling.  ’
‘  i’m always pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to kill you in my mind  ’
‘  i’m not really scared to die.  i’m more afraid that no one will miss me when i’m gone.  ’
‘  i’m not the person you left behind anymore.  there’s no one here to miss.  ’
‘  i’ve been dead far longer than i’ve been alive.  ’
‘  i’ve eaten nothing but flower petals  &  ivy for weeks because i want to be beautiful inside like you.  ’
‘  i’ve never been completely satisfied.  i most likely will still be unsatisfied long after my death.  ’
‘  no motive other than pleasure,  my dear.  ’
‘  one day i’ll go or you will.  either way,  it will be as if i’m losing a piece of myself.  ’
‘  our dreams  &  promises decay along with you.  ’
‘  the leaves change,  but nothing else does.  ’
‘  the only difference between avoiding  &  leaving is that now i’m not waiting up for you.  ’
‘  there is no such thing as a person who is required to love you.  ’
‘  there’s only so much that can be done to repair old damage.  ’
‘  things aren’t going as i hoped.  maybe if i die,  i can start over again?  better luck next time.  ’
‘  this is not something to be proud of.  this is a tragedy.  ’
‘  trying to get rid of me?  oh honey,  you’ll have to try much harder than that.  ’
‘  trying to get under my skin?  you’re nothing more than a pesky itch.  ’
‘  unlike you,  i can’t hide my identity when it becomes an inconvenience or a danger.  ’
‘  weeping is for gods  &  martyrs,  we cannot afford such luxuries.  ’
‘  would you even miss me?  ’
‘  you are not important enough to earn an eternal place in my heart.  ’
‘  you complain nonstop about being unloved  &  alone,  i can’t imagine what you’d be like if that were actually true.  ’
‘  you don’t know what it’s like.  ’
‘  you made this so fucking easy for me.  ’
‘  you should see me as a threat.  i will tear down everything you know until there is nothing left of you.  i am a walking threat.  ’
‘  you think i’m already gone,  but i’m still fighting.  ’
‘  you think i’m dead,  but i’m just dying.  ’
‘  you were never an addiction,  you were a fucking disease.  ’
‘  you wouldn’t dare cross me.  i am god  &  you are the soil beneath my feet.  ’
‘  your existence takes up so much more space in mine that we might as well be one entity.  ’
‘  your fingers are so cold  &  bruised,  but you’re still slamming your fists again the barricade as if it makes a difference.  ’
‘  your hair is tied in a noose  &  your fingernails are razor blades,  your lips are poison  &  i will gratefully kiss them.  ’
‘  your hatred has a body count  &  we will not forget.  ’
‘  your loss,  not mine.  ’
‘  you’re a sick fuck.  you know that?  ’
‘  you’re not gentle with me  &  i would never ask you to be.  ’
‘  you’ve trapped yourself so thoroughly in your own mind that it’s not even a rut anymore,  it’s a pit.   ’


4

[8/3/17]

My exams begin tomorrow and I’m super nervous but gotta stay calm 🍃

Super proud of how consistent my sleep log is becoming but i could probably do with a few more hours of study
Also, i tried to make transparent pngs of my plant doodles idk lmao i love plants

THE SIGNS AND THEIR MOST RECENT GOOGLE SEARCH
  • Aries: i lost my VIRGINITY how do i find it?!
  • Taurus: google.com
  • Gemini: easy ways to become instagram famous
  • Cancer: Does crying burn calories?
  • Leo: how to make a lot of money without going to college
  • Virgo: How does one make friends?
  • Libra: Is dabbing still cool
  • Scorpio: when will the purge take place
  • Sagittarius: list of useless facts
  • Capricorn: 1 hour of chill classical music
  • Aquarius: is it possible to drown yourself by drinking too much water
  • Pisces: all these retrogrades are ruining my life HELP!!
There is something so deeply rooted in me that terrifies me. It’s my ability to love and hold on and to find even the smallest ray of light in a very dark place, but also my terrifying ability to shut down all interactions and become so focused on myself, my growth, my happiness. It's become both a blessing and a curse. It has allowed me to love so hard on so many people who didn’t know what love was, it has kept me going on even the worst of days. But oh man how it destroys me when I love the wrong people or when I fight for people who are not yet ready to be fought for. So here I am once again after being shut off for so long, not even close to loving you, but wanting the opportunity to try to, but you’re not ready. So in an effort to not completely shut off my humanity I’ve begun diving into other people in preparation for the knowledge that I will never get to know you how I would like to. But I’m watching them start to hold onto me and I’m elsewhere. How do I warn them? How do I tell them I’m somewhere between holding on so tight to becoming who I am meant to be with no distractions and trying to find a way to let my fingertips graze and grasp all that she is without suffocating her in the process?
Drabble List

So I just finished posting the last of the previous volley of drabbles so I decided to come up with a new prompt list. It’s mostly a hodge-podge of stuff from my own brain or inspired by songs or different shows and stuff but there are some from other prompt lists so, if anyone wants me to give credit, drop me a message and I’ll be sure to do so.

  1. “If you had asked me to stay, I would’ve.”
  2. “You’re too good for this world.”
  3. “Could you be happy, here, with me?”
  4. “How long do we have?”
  5. “Do you think we’re bad people?”
  6. “How did we become this?”
  7. “I can hardly stand myself.”
  8. “Go to hell.”
  9. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m going to take care of you.”
  10. “There was a time before all of this.”
  11. “No one will ever believe us.”
  12. “Don’t come near me or I swear I’ll kill you.”
  13. “My hobby is making fun of you when you talk.”
  14. “I used to do a lot of things.”
  15. “It doesn’t matter. You’ve moved on and I have to be okay with that.”
  16. “Do you wish things had happened differently?”
  17. “Don’t you dare look him in the eye.”
  18. “I’ll be here as long as it takes.”
  19. “We were never meant to fight on our own.”
  20. “Something’s clearly wrong.”
  21. “There’s nothing I can do anymore.”
  22. “This is going to hurt.”
  23. “I don’t need to be the hero tonight.”
  24. “Am I ever going to see you again?”
  25. “We always have a choice.”
  26. “You’re holding back.”
  27. “I don’t want to feel like this tomorrow.”
  28. “Is that a threat?”
  29. “If you don’t like this world then change it.”
  30. “Are you kidding me? We’re not fine!”
  31. “You may be an idiot, but you’re my idiot.”
  32. “Keep your eyes on me.”
  33. “You can lie to yourself but don’t lie to me.”
  34. “I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”
  35. “If you make one more stupid pun, I will literally stab you.”
  36. “I wasn’t going to mention it.”
  37. “I tried my best to not feel anything for you. Guess what? I failed.”
  38. “I’m here for you.”
  39. “What are you so happy about?”
  40. “That’s not what I meant and you know it!”
  41. “You’re putting words in my mouth!”
  42. “We have to stick together.”
  43. “We’ll get through this. I promise.”
  44. “Don’t leave me behind.”
  45. “What are you looking at?”
  46. “How did you find me?”
  47. “Who did this to you?”
  48. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”
  49. “I have to tell you something.”
  50. “I need more time.”
  51. “You deserve better than me.”
  52. “This isn’t fair!”
  53. “If you kill them, you’d better kill me too, because otherwise I’m going to kill you.”
  54. “Please don’t shut me out.”
  55. “You are my best friend in the whole world, okay?”
  56. “Don’t you dare die on me!”
  57. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
  58. “You’re out of your damn mind.”
  59. “No one can hurt me like you can.”
  60. “You are my sunshine.”
  61. “This is all my fault.”
  62. “Please, don’t cry.”
  63. “Maybe I can’t fix you but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try.”
  64. “You should see this.”
  65. “You make me feel invincible.”
  66. “I’ll keep you safe.”
  67. “Don’t look at me like that.”
  68. “Let’s do something crazy.”
  69. “We are not going to steal someone’s dog.”
  70. “Do you trust me?”
  71. “You don’t get to pick and choose. You’re stuck with me.”
  72. “You know I’m gonna win, right?”
  73. “Don’t underestimate what a person can do to protect those they care about.”
  74. “I didn’t mean what I said.”
  75. “Do you ever follow directions?”

It becomes not a matter of “How Do I Touch John” but of “How Do I Get John To Touch Me” and then suddenly he’s in an alley saying things like “punch me in the face”

Idk why people always portray Alfred as such a righteous and selfless guy like guys I need a fic where he is willing to sell out his friends just because someone gave him a shit load of money. I NEED A FIC WHERE AT FIRST HE SEEM LIKE SUCH A GOOD GUY BUT THEM THIS HANDSOME BUT VERY BAD PERSON COMES UP AND SEDUCES HIM and not with his good looks but WITH MONEY

Y’ALL I WAS ON THE CHAOL WIKI BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO WRITE SOMETHING AND I FORGOT WHEN HE ABANDONED HIS HEIR OF ANIELLE TITLE (the answer is 13 which is too young and I’m going to change it try and stop me fuckers) AND I FOUND A THING

Um.

UM?????

WHICH ONE OF YOU DID THIS AND HOW DO I BECOME YOUR BEST FRIEND

(side note: apparently his last name was Wydrael in Queen of Glass and boy oh boy I’m glad that changed)