how did i not know something this wonderful existed

my heart lets nothing die. even the small wars interrupt my sleep. i wait for people to ask me what’s wrong and then i lie. i stayed home four weekends in a row because i didn’t trust myself to say the right thing. i’m just not the life of the party. i’m trying to live with that. the worst thing that happened to my family happened three years before i was born. i don’t know how to keep answering the same question. i’m impossibly alone. i made myself this way. i stared at someone from a distance to see if they’d ever look my way. they didn’t. they went on with their life and did not know they existed to me at all. i wonder sometimes if my heart will always feel this far from me. i heard someone say something terrible and i counted the ceiling tiles to make the world stop spinning. i considered my body and how it’s changed. i wrote to a person i never had the chance to meet. sometimes i have to stay away from the old photo albums because it just gets too hard. i don’t know how to forgive myself this time around. when people look at me i wonder if they notice the parts of me that are gone for good. they don’t flinch but that means nothing. i still have dreams about a country that forgot about me in its sleep.

My cousin is 13 years old and yesterday he called me. He wasn’t upset but he told me he realised something, something so brilliant that made me wonder how I’d never realised it myself before. He said:
“There’s the problem with what I did. I idolised her and I mistook the feeling I got for love. I didn’t know her, not really and even though I’d only met her a few times I began to think of her too often and my thoughts made her something she wasn’t. It’s not her fault, it’s mine. I let my feelings get the best of me and I put her on some pedestal that just didn’t exist. My mind was filled with thoughts of her day and night and I couldn’t get her out my head. It wasn’t healthy and it was pointless, especially when I realised I was falling for a girl I was creating in my head, not the girl I had met a few days ago.”
I lay on my bed, holding my phone and breathed out. It was like he’d entered my mind and said something I’d been trying to work out how to say for months.
—  first heart breaks say it best