You Can’t Find My House

I just got off the phone with mom, and we came to the realization that my family has lived in a series of unplottable houses for a couple generations now.

-The First Unplottable House is on my dad’s side of the family, in Delphi, Iowa.  The directions to it are the stuff of Buried Treasure:  Turn off the county road with a fraction in it’s name, to the Named Dirt Road, then turn at The Discount Eggs Sign on to the Unnamed dirt road that takes a meandering path THROUGH a corn field, DO NOT take any forks on that road or the farmer will shoot your ass, then take the paved road that dead-ends on ALL the way to the end- No, farther, the road keeps going it’s not a cliff-The only indication that You Have Arrived At The Correct Driveway is that a fat gray pony will charge the car, screaming, then escort you the rest of the way there.

It’s on the side of an enormous river, they’ve owned the property since 1911, and that’s the ONLY route there.

-The Second Unplottable house is in Bedford, Ohio and belonged to my mother’s parents.  It’s at the corner of two side-streets, right across from the tiny Italian grocery store.  Due to strange development decisions, the house is about 30 feet above street level and rendered invisible by a chestnut tree so majestic Hyao Myazaki would probably put it in a movie.  The driveway, however, is VERY visible from any of the surrounding houses, the grocer, or the street.  

At least in theory and old photos, becuase if you actually GO there,  your eyes slide right past it to the neighbor’s lillac bush, or to the retro neons of the grocery store or up the Chestnut tree.  it is literally HARD to look at that driveway, all the world around it wants to pull you away.

-The Third Unplottable house is in Salinas, CA, home of my paternal grandparents.  It is the single most BORING house possible- like, if you were to ask a third-grader to draw a prototypical house, they would draw my grandparent’s house.  Utterly Unremarkable. 

Except for the part where my Grandfather, spurred by his success with the “non-fruiting” peach tree, decided to plant a California Redwood Tree, and it grew to approximately 150 feet over the course of a few short decades.  It is the tallest damn thing for miles around, and SOMEHOW deliveries keep being missed, mail is delivered to the neighbors, and any non-blood family that tried to visit would end up on the other side of town.

-The Fourth Unplottable House was the one I grew up in CA.  The Directions to it are as follows:  It’s the Bright Orange house Right Across From The School.  You know, the one with six flamingos and the Volunteer Avacado Tree.

SOMEHOW, we got everyone’s mail but OURS (we still wonder about the letter from Fort Knox for Mr. Thomas Saxophone), the other kids got lost trying to visit and ended up in Mr.Phan’s yard on the other end of the block.  Officer Brown, Mom and Dad’s friend, who had GPS back in the early 90′s becuase silicon valley, regularly got lost looking for our place.  The Flamingos did nothing.

-My parent’s current house is the second house on the right  after two right turns off the state highway that runs through town.  Sounds easy, right?  

Except that due to a couple small trees and a bend in the road, the house is invisible from the road.  I have to stand out in the road if i want my pizza delivered.  The Mailman is the only person who could reliably find the box, but he drives a subaru that’s older than my sister from the passenger side by leaning over, and delivers mail based on the aztec lunar calendar, so he’s probably not actually human.  I tried to host a party, tied rainbow balloons to the mailbox, and all nine friends had to be waved in from the street.

-My current apartment building Does Not Exist, according to my Bank, medicaid, Google, and City Hall which was a bit exciting when I first moved in and had to call everyone that yes, I was sitting in a building that really exists.   

Unless it’s my classmates, becuase they can apparently come to parties I don’t host. This Friday I had a friend telling me she had a great time at my place last Teusday… when I was home alone.  She assures me that I held a houseparty with “Those polish things you make” (I make great mini klatchky, but haven’t served them to her) and that “You were definitely there, we talked about Carvaggio and you drive me home”

re-imagined citadel dlc photo because bioware, you can’t give me a dlc specifically dedicated to proving how much this ridiculous ragtag group of buddies love each other like family, and then give me their drunken houseparty photo… where they’re all standing in strict lines at military attention not touching each other????? like, I get it, making people interact in video games isn’t easy, but that weirdly awkward photo did break my game immersion somewhat. I haven’t been to a drunken houseparty in about five years but I can tell you, they’re gonna cram as many people as possible onto that sofa, and most of them are gonna be distracted well before the photo gets taken. 

TOP ROW: steve and vega are on krogan-wrangling duty. steve is better at it. zaeed wants wrex’s drink umbrella but wrex is watching him closely to make sure he puts it the fuck back. jack’s just…jack. miranda was meant to be looking kind of disgusted like “ugh really?” but I realised as I was colouring it looks like she was about to say something and got, um, distracted by jack’s tongue soooo……… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  its definitely canon that samara L O V E S babies and excited-daddy-to-be jacob would deffs have baby scans to show anyone and everyone. 

BOTTOM ROW: kaidan “biotic beefcake” alenko unfortunately ends up next to garrus “unreasonably bulky armour” vakarian, and is torn between “YES FRIENDS :D” and “dear god shepard your feet s t i n k” (she fell through a fishtank yesterday kaidan give her a break). sam is tipsy enough to find this all hilarious. shepard’s the only sober one there but she’s still bein a little shit and lounging over everyone because drunk garrus is handsy garrus. liara’s trying to point out that javik’s passed out to tali but its a miracle that tali’s even sitting upright after being blasted on the bathroom floor for like an hour, so its not very effective. kasumi’s trying to convince joker that his hat would make a lot on the merch market and he’s saying that if she tries it he’ll sic edi on her (edi won’t do anything but her Disappointed Face is absolutely Devastating). javik passed out like five minutes ago and let me say, if all he gets is a bit of paper taped to his head, he gets off INCREDIBLY lightly.

me : *trying to sleep*

also me : sana and the girls have been friends for almost two years but they know nothing about her, they never met her brother or knew his name ?? what is up with that . eva and chris went to the party even though chris had something to with her cousin and eva just ignoring sana saying she would go with her why wasn’t this mentioned !!!!!! also what is up with that bts with balloon squad elias is giving vilde balloons but why vilde has a boyfriend and elias engaged to jamila also why is sana so uncomfortable with her own friends why does she get smaller whenever the girls straight up don’t take her into account like they have been best friends two years also since sana sets everything in motion what is the cause is it even and isak’s houseparty will it start with the bakka boys meeting again if so what will be sana’s role ;;;




Party people


Suggested by the lovely @so-estamos

• Lady Gaga - Just dance ft. Coldy o’ donis
• Kygo - It ain’t me ft. Selena Gomez
• Little mix - Power
• DJ Khaled - Wild thoughts ft. Rihanna and Bryson Tiller
• Lil Uzi Vert - XO Tour Llif3
• Kendrick Lamar - humble
• The weeknd - rockin’
• YG, Drake, kamaiyah - why you always hatin?
• Drake, future - jumpman
• Nicki Minaj - no frauds ft. Drake, Lil Wayne
• Alex aiono - work the middle
• Travis Scott - goosebumps ft. Kendrick Lamar

anonymous asked:

Hi! So I saw your post about how certain jokes are harmful to you, esp. about gender identity. I'm curious: how, specifically, are they harmful? Now, before you answer, please, please keep in mind I am asking this genuinely. It's not an insult or a taunt, it's a real question. If you would be so kind as to frame your response in a way to help me learn (calm, objective, free of guilt, etc.), I would really appreciate it. I truly am trying to understand.

hey!! they harm me (as a genderfluid person) because they trivialize trans and nonbinary people (such as myself) and our struggles with being misgendered. they also make our identities seem childish and made up, which is the same as saying “nonbinary genders don’t exist.”

“did you just assume my gender?” jokes are harmful because they make trans/nb people who are rightfully angry at being misgendered look silly and childish, like everything *has* to go our way, even though being misgendered is an actual issue that causes many, many trans and nonbinary people to feel invalidated and, sometimes, dysphoric.

these jokes all put this weird sort of stigma around non cis people, where it’s almost impossible for us and our genders to be taken seriously. for example, so many of my friends irl make the “did you just assume my gender?” jokes, so i know a) they don’t take trans/nb people’s struggles seriously, and b) i would definitely be laughed at/ostracized if i came out as genderfluid, because my gender is constantly changing, so yeah, i’m the *exact* type of people they’re making fun of.

all in all, these jokes make non cis people feel isolated from their cis friends who make these jokes, and they make all non cis people look like, you guessed it, a big joke.