Untitled Fix You Sequel - well, at this point it’s a coda, since I’m tired of the universe but I’m working on it (I’m working on it! / Whatever you’re doing, do it faster!)
Untitled House Hunters Coruscant - also working on this - Han, Luke and Leia move in together so they need an apartment. Using my own experience buying a house for something positive!
And various and sundry other bits and pieces I’ve been working on and continue to work on. Which will probably all be abandoned when I get Crazy Idea #10 million based on a Tumblr post and write that instead…
Hunter had just heard the audio. he was worried, angry.all he wanted was to get rid of these feelings. before anyone knew it Hunter kicked the coffee table. the shattering of glass could be heard throughout out the safe house
To any HGTV fan, Andromeda Dunker has a voice that is instantly recognizable. Her gliding intonation and dulcet tone are as soothing as the comfort-food reality TV shows which she narrates.
Since 2009, Dunker has voiced literally thousands of episodes of the House Hunters franchise, becoming an integral part of the HGTV juggernaut, which drew almost 25 million primetime viewers each month last year.
While the buyers and cities may change, the narrator does not. Episode after episode, Dunker introduces us to a new couple and a new location but with the same sing-song intonation and honeyed tone. She is the show.
Yet, she hasn’t been seen on camera on the network, not even once.
On a channel brimming with handsome homebuilders and homespun husband-and-wife property stars, the woman who gives voice to some of the network’s most popular and obsessively-watched shows stands apart — unlike the others, she is heard but not seen, HGTV’s most famous unfamous person.
“I’ve remained in the shadows,” Dunker told BuzzFeed News. “The conventional wisdom for voiceover actors is you are kind of heard and not seen. It’s just kind of the way it’s always been.”
And she’s never given an extensive interview before — until now.
went to a househunters-watching party over the weekend; here’s my impression of the show
VOICEOVER: She wants a historically accurate thirteenth century castle in the heart of bustling downtown L.A. He has his heart set on living in a small metallic orb that would float over a bottomless gorge, beyond space and time. Can this pair of newlyweds see eye to eye???
WIFE: The location is nice but I don’t know about these staircases…I just had my heart set on an escalator made of sand and artisan brie.
HUSBAND: Well it’s definitely not a small floating metallic orb.
REALTOR: That…would defy several laws of physics.
WIFE (squinting): Do you have anything that is simultaneously larger, cheaper, newer, and more historic?
WIFE: And I need a big kitchen. I love to cook!
(Cut to footage of the wife in her current kitchen, wearing an apron and surrounded by pots and pans. She is hitting a banana with a hammer. On the counter next to her is a pile of doll hair.)
HUSBAND: Yeah, get her a nice kitchen. Of course, I won’t be spending any time in there, ha ha! (His laugh is loud but his eyes are so empty. They are empty all the way back.)
WIFE: And I need a room for my shoes. That is simply non-negotiable.
HUSBAND: Also, if we can swing it with our budget, I’d love a finished basement where I can really unwind and stew in my toxic masculinity and repressed emotion. And hardwood floors.
WIFE: And hardwood floors.
HUSBAND AND WIFE IN EERIE UNISON: Hardwood. Floors. (somehow it sounds like way more than two voices, more like the collective whisper of an army)
REALTOR: Okay, I will certainly, um. See what I can do? Anyway, this next house, it’s a metallic orb hanging on a sturdy cord near a ravine—
WIFE: Well it’s definitely not a genuine thirteenth century castle—
HUSBAND AND WIFE: (stare at each other in open contempt)
REALTOR: Heyyy so why don’t we take a look inside?
This house is everything we have ever dreamed of. It's $75,000 under budget, in a beautiful neighborhood, a reasonable commute time to work, and located in a fantastic school district.
but it doesn't have stainless steel appliances so instead of spending $3,000 for those appliances we're gonna pick the house that is over budget by $50,000, has fewer and smaller rooms,longer commute, noisy neighborhood with rude neighbors, all because it already has stainless steel appliances.
300k on house hunters: here’s a shack, you might be able to afford paint.
300k on fixer upper: here is an Irish castle that was moved brick by brick from it’s oceanside cliff. We can completely update it, with new appliances, and three pools. We’re also going to make it really personal for you and invite you to hang out at our cool farm.
300k on flip or flop: We bought this studio at an auction. It doesn’t have a ceiling, the walls have holes, and there is a family of racoons living in the floor. We’re going to cover everything in granite and sell it for a million dollars.