house-hunters

House Hunters International: Kylux Edition

As promised, here is the first part of my three part Kylux Christmas Series, House Hunters International, Kylux Edition! Stay tuned for more antics and real estate bliss!

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“No.”

Kylo rolls his eyes, taking his arm from around Hux’s shoulders.

“We literally haven’t even gotten out of the car yet,” Kylo sighs.

“And l already know I hate it,” Hux snaps. “Javier, you can take us to the next property.”

“You’re not doing this!” Kylo says. “Javier, it’s fine. We would LOVE to see the house.”

“We most certainly would NOT.”

“Fine!” Kylo says. “You can stay in the car, and I’ll go see the house. That way if I like it, there’s nothing you can do to stop me from signing.”

“That’s not all you’ll be signing.”

Hux mouths the words “divorce papers” at Kylo’s exasperated face.

“Right, I’m sure,” Kylo nods. “Let’s go, Javier.”

Finn lowers his camera, glancing uncomfortably at the bickering couple.

“Um, actually, Mr. and Mr. Hux, you both have to see the property, at risk of breaching the contract.”

Hux glares at Finn with eyes that could gun down an entire army. For a moment, the nervous cameraman thinks he might be in for a fight; that is, until Hux sighs in defeat, and steps gingerly from the car, taking care not to get sand on his expensive looking shoes.

“Alright, Javier,” Hux bites icily. “What’s the deal with this place?”

Javier narrows his eyes, before regaining his professional facade.

“This house is three bedroom, three and a half bath, with an indoor and outdoor kitchen and beach access right out the back. The cost is under budget at $800,000.”

Kylo blinks.

“Under budget is a bit of an understatement, don’t you think?”

Javier swallows.

“Well, this is true, but for your first property, I wanted to give you something that truly speaks to Panamanian culture and tradition.”

Kylo glances to Hux, unsure. If they wanted culture and tradition, they would have asked for it, after all.

Javier guides the pair inside, and Hux immediately looks underwhelmed.
“The ceilings are a bit…low,” he murmurs.

Indeed, Kylo looks a bit ridiculous standing in the foyer, when he could touch the ceiling just by reaching his arm up. Javier tries his hardest to collect himself in the face of disappointed, future home owners.

“If you’ll follow me into the living room,” he says, “you’ll see this isn’t the case for the rest of the home.”

Kylo and Hux follow their realtor to the living room, which opens up into the kitchen and dining area. A large, floor to ceiling window offers an impressive view of the ocean.

Javier glances toward the couple, a look of expectance on his face. Surely this view will give a great first impression on these first time home owners!

“What?” Hux asks. “Do I have something on my face?”

As if to further his point, Hux looks to Kylo, who peers for a second, then shakes his head.

“You’re good, babe.”

Javier holds back a sigh.

“As you can see,” he continues, “The balcony has a lovely ocean view, perfect for cooking outdoors and relaxing.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen better,” Kylo drawls. “You got anything with a waterfall?”

The sound of Hux smacking his own forehead echoes through the empty house.

“You failed to mention a fucking waterfall earlier,” he says.

“Language, babe,” Kylo replies smugly. “This is television.”

“Um, it’s cool, we can edit it out,” Finn says hesitantly.

Hux smiles.

“See, darling?” he chirps. “They can fucking edit it the fuck out.”

Finn is beginning to wish they had picked the couple that may or may not have been a part of the mob.

Kylo and Hux follow the crew into the first bedroom, where again, they seem to be rather underwhelmed.

“Not big enough,” Kylo says. “We like a big bed.”

The bathroom, also, appears to be a complete fail.

“One sink?” Hux sniffs. “I worked my ass off for twelve years for one sink?”

“He likes his own sink,” Kylo explains to the crew, hoping this will clear up any confusion over Hux’s sour attitude.
It doesn’t.

The other two bedrooms are written off as unimportant, and by the time Javier is leading the couple to the back, Hux is on the phone with a business partner and Kylo is asking about the next property.

“How big is the shower? We like a big shower. I like those showers where you can sit down and stuff…”

Finn is beginning to wonder how they’re going to get any useable footage from House #1, when he overhears Hux’s phone conversation.

“…well TELL THE PRESIDENT that if he wants to talk he’ll need to make an appointment with reception, I hold no loyalty to the American government…well if it was the bloody QUEEN, then maybe things would be different, but it isn’t, so they’re not!”
Finn glances at Javier, who already looks a bit run down after only one house tour.

“Maybe we should just go to the next location,” Finn suggests. “I don’t think this is what they want.”

As if to further Finn’s point, Kylo shouts from outside on the deck, his voice carrying loudly into the living room.

“Can we get something with a pool? And like, maybe a water slide?”
Javier blinks.

“Um…” he begins, raising his voice so as to be heard more clearly, “There aren’t that many houses with water slides already installed…”

But Kylo is already asking about air filters, and Hux is so into his phone call that his interest in the property is completely lost.

“Mitaka,” Hux snaps into his iPhone, “I swear to all things holy, if I don’t see Josh Groban onstage singing his fucking heart out at our secret santa extravaganza, there will be NO Christmas bonus on your desk come December!!”

Javier sighs. This might just be the hardest sale he’s ever had to make…and this one will be on national television.

Bravely, he takes a breath, puts on a smile, and claps his hands together with as much enthusiasm as he can muster.

“Alright!” he announces. “Let’s go see the next property.”

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I hope you enjoyed! :) Happy Holidays, yall.

went to a househunters-watching party over the weekend; here’s my impression of the show

VOICEOVER: She wants a historically accurate thirteenth century castle in the heart of bustling downtown L.A. He has his heart set on living in a small metallic orb that would float over a bottomless gorge, beyond space and time. Can this pair of newlyweds see eye to eye???

WIFE: The location is nice but I don’t know about these staircases…I just had my heart set on an escalator made of sand and artisan brie.

HUSBAND: Well it’s definitely not a small floating metallic orb.

REALTOR: That…would defy several laws of physics.

WIFE (squinting): Do you have anything that is simultaneously larger, cheaper, newer, and more historic?

REALTOR: Um.

WIFE: And I need a big kitchen. I love to cook!

(Cut to footage of the wife in her current kitchen, wearing an apron and surrounded by pots and pans. She is hitting a banana with a hammer. On the counter next to her is a pile of doll hair.)

HUSBAND: Yeah, get her a nice kitchen. Of course, I won’t be spending any time in there, ha ha! (His laugh is loud but his eyes are so empty. They are empty all the way back.)

WIFE: And I need a room for my shoes. That is simply non-negotiable.

HUSBAND: Also, if we can swing it with our budget, I’d love a finished basement where I can really unwind and stew in my toxic masculinity and repressed emotion. And hardwood floors.

WIFE: And hardwood floors.

HUSBAND AND WIFE IN EERIE UNISON: Hardwood. Floors. (somehow it sounds like way more than two voices, more like the collective whisper of an army)

REALTOR: Okay, I will certainly, um. See what I can do? Anyway, this next house, it’s a metallic orb hanging on a sturdy cord near a ravine—

WIFE: Well it’s definitely not a genuine thirteenth century castle—

HUSBAND AND WIFE: (stare at each other in open contempt)

REALTOR: Heyyy so why don’t we take a look inside?

House Hunters International Drinking Game

Take a drink whenever…

  • Someone asks where the dishwasher is
  • Idiot American is confused that everything is smaller in [Non-US Country]
  • Someone mentions “entertaining guests”
  • Husband/boyfriend/male spouse makes a joke about his female partner’s massive amount of clothes and/or shoes
  • Wife/girlfriend/female spouse makes a joke about her massive amount of clothes and/or shoes
  • Both the man and the woman make a joke about the woman’s massive amount of clothes and/or shoes
  • “Open floor plan”
  • Laughably small budget
  • Depressingly large budget
  • Someone has clearly not researched what living is [Country] is like
Couple on House Hunters
  • Couple: This house is everything we have ever dreamed of. It's $75,000 under budget, in a beautiful neighborhood, a reasonable commute time to work, and located in a fantastic school district.
  • Couple: but it doesn't have stainless steel appliances so instead of spending $3,000 for those appliances we're gonna pick the house that is over budget by $50,000, has fewer and smaller rooms,longer commute, noisy neighborhood with rude neighbors, all because it already has stainless steel appliances.