So Christmas is over and a new year is just about to begin. I’ve already told you that this time of the year isn’t the easiest one for me.
I’ve had an eating disorder for the longest part of my life and I’m still fighting to get better. Christmas has always been a struggle since there’s so many things to eat. There’s the big Christmas dinner at grandma’s house, hundreds of mince pies wherever you go, a little piece of chocolate ever day for 24 days and all the sweets you get for Christmas. Christmas is all about eating. Even people without an eating disorder struggle with overeating and weight gain.
Now imagine how hard it would be if you had problems with eating anyways. You want to eat but at the same time you don’t want to, there all these delicious things that have a ton of calories. It’s all either sugary or fatty what makes those things taste like heaven but also make you fat. Or at least that’s what I think.
So I’ve always ended up eating a lot, feeling guilty and disgusting, than throwing up just to eat again. And that’s obviously unhealthy as hell.
This year was the first year in a long time I didn’t purge at all and it feels so good. It still was hard because the guilt and the anger I felt towards myself didn’t just vanish but somehow I managed to get through it. I tried to accept these bad feelings without acting on them.
The real problem started after Christmas when everybody got back to their normal eating habits except me (and a lot of other people but hey that’s just how it feels).
There’s a loud voice in my head telling me to skip meals, eat less or just eat nothing at all. It’s telling me that I need to lose weight as fast a I can because I’ve gotten so fat over Christmas ( I actually just gained a pound but my minds not interested in the real facts ).
The challenge I face now is not to listen to that voice and to always remind myself that I want to get better and that skipping a meal is not an option.
Skipping a meal should never be an option. Neither to erase your ‘mistakes of the past’ nor as a regular habit to lose weight.
Even if you gained weight over Christmas or any time of eating a lot and you go back to your normal eating habits (and by that i mean healthy eating habits not like 300 calories a day) your weight will go back to normal by itself without starving.
Another thing that I have to learn is that by eating a little bit to much for three or four days I won’t gain 20 pounds.
Over the last few days I realised that my perception of calories and weight gain or loss still is very unhealthy and bluntly said wrong.
Eating healthy and not being underweight is only one part of recovery. The other part, questioning your beliefs and principles and gaining a sense of normality regarding your body and your eating, feels even harder.
I know that I still have a long way to go and I don’t know if I can ever say that I’m fully recovered but if I don’t try it I’ll never now. And it’s worth the effort. I already feel a little bit better and I can’t wait to say that I feel a lot better.
One last thing I wanted to tell you: Try to allow yourself to sometimes eat a little bit to much or sweet and unhealthy things. Even if you’ll feel horrible afterwards just remind yourself that one day you want to be able to enjoy these things again.