I was going to write something here about the sheer brilliance of Merlin’s new project but then I came across this and I want to bask in the sheer brilliance of this.

These words are the final layer on the portrait of my future I’ve been painting in my mind for the past six months. 

I need this framed or stitched or tattooed or permanently etched in my brain. 

"You Look Nice Today" poster now available!

* Posters are slowly leaking out of a very expensive printer in the back of a local print shop *


You can now show off to your “friends” how cool you are.

How you ask?

Well with this fancy piece of paper that displays your love for two and half men (HA!) who speak about nonsense life stuff for half an hour.

How much will your wallet suffer for this great life improvement?

A mere 30$ canuck bucks (+S&H).

So why are you still reading this?

Did I mention only 50 of these are available?

If I were you I would skip reading this lame attempt at comedy and would clicky-di-click on that big poster that you saw at the beginning of this post. How can you not click on a big red button? I have one next to my desk. I need to press it every 108 minutes to keep my mexicans in Taiwan fed with vasts amounts of sweet corn.

You should buy my poster →

Much love,


I’m so excited. Todd’s mother is shipping all of his X-Men comics here and I’ve been put in charge of selling them on eBay. They are all in mint condition, in acid free wrapping and all that stuff and there are some issues that will fetch a pretty penny.

He’s not keeping the money. He’s going to give whatever he makes to his mother because she paid off his student loan ages ago. 

I am just excited at the prospect of checking out all this old stuff and taking pictures of everything and putting them here for Merlin to see.

February 28, 2009
  1. “World Music” is a genre like “Anybody Who’s Not All Pasty-Looking” is a race.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 54
  2. Why do characters on tv only hang out with people they work with? Do they live in Hell?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
  3. “Massage relaxes the mom and should be performed in much the same environment as the baby was conceived.” Great. Taco Bell parking lot.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46
  4. Seven Deadly Sins (updated): PWN’D, NOM, FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU, WANT, WANT, WANT, and meh.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45
  5. Profoundly funny tweet #1260351715 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 39
  6. i hope someone teaches me a grammar lesson at a bus stop, so one day i can tell my kid all about what i learned on the streets.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 38
  7. You can’t help but be disturbed when an email from your mother contains simply the line: “Rebooted the internet - everything fine now.”
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 37
  8. After we explain what a bookmark is to Leta, she goes, “So it’s the thing you use to pause a book. I get it.”
    @dooce (Heather B. Armstrong) – 37
  9. Yesterday: Used poor grammar on multiple occasions.

    Today: Hiding from grammar zombies in the attic.

    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #1260577985 (?)
    @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 34

Keep reading

March 27, 2009
  1. Our marriage counselor just put a switchblade on the table, left the room, and locked the door. What do you guys think I – omg she’s fast
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 87
  2. “Face down, ass up” embroidered on pillows. “Stop actin’ like a bitch and throw your hands up” carved in driftwood. I need an etsy account.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 73
  3. thinks you should consider abandoning that third-person present-tense verb idiom you picked up on Facebook.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 70
  4. If the medical profession really wanted to be dicks, they’d add a new letter to ADHD every year.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63
  5. Him: I like the glasses. Very sexy librarian.

    Me: If you don’t return your books, I’ll charge late fees.

    Him: You’re not doing it right.
    @shoesonwrong (Annie) – 58
  6. Things I’m glad I never experimented with: cigarettes, cocaine, Lotus Notes, Nickelback.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 51
  7. My disaster preparedness plan involves duct tape and prepared people.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
  8. SB: Name?
    Me: ‘Çedilla.’ And, yes: that IS with a cedilla.
    SB: (scribbling on cup) Just listen for, “soy latte,” okay? Next.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49
  9. I’ll never forget the day I chose my heterosexual lifestyle.
    @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 49
  10. Dear Coffee Shop: It’s 8:47. Why the eff aren’t you open yet? I need caffeine almost as much as you’re gonna need a new front window.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 47
  11. Madonna plans to adopt again. Call me old fashioned, but a child needs both a mother and an emasculated boy toy father.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 46
  12. Twitter: because you’d get fired if you had these conversations in the workplace.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 46
  13. Without MUNI, it’d be way harder to find a guy yelling at his burrito while the lady next to him trims her toenails.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41
  15. The clowns are coming from INSIDE THE CAR!
    @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 39
  16. Apparently tweeting about syphilis lead to me losing a lot of followers, so for clarity: I don’t have it and you can’t get it that way.
    @bsheepies (k-a-t-e) – 38
  17. Just once I want to hear a woman accidentally say 'checkmate’ to a marriage proposal.
    @DieLaughing (J. Adam Moore) – 37
  18. When you call to explain the email you sent me, all I hear is “Hi! This is Death! I’m this much closer! Ha ha! You’re not boogie-boarding!”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 37
  19. U.S. officials keep repeating that they don’t think Mexico is a “failed state.” So far, Mexico hasn’t returned the compliment.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 37
  20. According to the New York Times, @guykawasaki is occasionally manned by two people who are not Guy Kawasaki.

    That’s right. Ghostdouches.
    @TBMimsTheThird (cwthethird) – 35
April 25, 2009
  1. Here in rural Colombia, there are huge violence, poverty, and health problems. And this is easily the worst cinnamon latte I’ve ever tasted.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 110
  2. Q: How many Portlanders does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: That’d be 60% funnier if you’d said “CFL.” Also, jokes harm women. Asshole.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 77
  3. Spent five minutes in staring contest with a crow.

    Finally gave up.

    It kept staring.

    Yelled at it.

    It was a glove.

    Birds are stupid.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71
  4. Studies show adding “studies show” to the beginning of a sentence makes the sentence truer.

    Also: labcoats.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71
  5. Floored by her muted reaction to his ironic Ghostbusters shirt, the narrow, bearded man in clownglasses scans the barista’s tats for clues.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57
  6. My milk sheikh brings all the boys to jihad.
    @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 53
  7. Blocking your family on Twitter is the new hiding your liquor in the tool shed.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 49
  8. Can you get swine flu from sitting on a toilet seat after a pig? I’m asking for Iowa.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
  9. A simple algorithm to determine if you made a mistake buying a computer: Count the stickers on it. If you reach one, you made a mistake.
    @giromide (Derek) – 49
  10. My hotel room smells like a hobo, fruit rollups, and a deodorizer that doesn’t really cover up the odor of hobos, fruit rollups, or hobos.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 47
  11. 10pm. Still at work.

    @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 45
  12. You know how kids whose parents smoke rarely grow up to become smokers?

    Statistically speaking, my kids will probably never say “fuck.”
    @TBMimsTheThird (cwthethird) – 43
  13. “I’ll call you later. From my iPhone.”
    “I’ll answer on my Batphone. Douche.”
    “You don’t have a Batphone. Who’s the douche now?”
    “Still you.”
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 43
  14. I passed a few bars where it looked like I could get my ass kicked after 11.

    I *knew* it was a mistake to not become a badass motherfucker.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 41
  15. A pandemic sure would validate my hermit lifestyle.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41
  16. Pro Comedy, Observed:

    1. Never be funny for fun
    2. Never be funny for free
    3. Unless a producer can see it, never be funny

    Also: scowl.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 38
  17. When I say things like “game-time decision” around actual sports fans, I feel like a chimp who keeps trying to put tuxedo pants on his head.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 36
  18. Technically, I didn’t lose the baby because she’s still somewhere in the house. Just misplaced like a set of keys. In the fridge. brb
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 35
  19. Having an orgy is like cooking in someone else’s kitchen. All the tools are there, but in unfamiliar places, and there are too many nuts.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 34
  20. If someone would kindly go to the kitchen and whip up another Xanax and Patron smoothie for me, I’d be much obliged.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 33