Hey I want to preface this by saying I’m a good person and I don’t deserve this
Yesterday I made chicken tortilla soup because I thought that would be fun and I cut up a jalapeno for it
BY THE BY I’ve been eating jalapenos my whole life I guess I’ve just never??? Cut up a raw jalapeno before????
The whole story occurred after midnight on a fucking Tuesday (I guess Wednesday morning)
My left thumb and pointer finger started stinging like all hell like at first I thought I could ignore it but it just kept on burning. My first instinct was to dunk my hand in a cup of milk and that is exactly what I did
But when I took my hand out of the milk it was still on fire so I googled my situation and LET ME TELL YOU GUYS this is a WELL KNOWN mistake known as “hot pepper hands” and it is exactly what it sounds like
Things that are supposedly remedies for hot pepper hands:
(I say supposedly because, spoiler, none of them worked for me)
Make baking soda/water paste, put on hands, let dry,
Wash with Dawn or other dishsoap that is better at cutting through oils
Scrub with olive oil and THEN Dawn
This one actually managed to spread the pain to most of the rest of my left hand, leaving only my pinky finger safe from the burning fires of hell
and THEN there is one “SOLUTION” which says you should put your hand in hot water to “open your pores” to “let the poison out” or whatever and THEN scrub with olive oil and wash
everyone that gave this as a solution noted that putting your hand in hot water while it’s being eaten away with acid is super painful but they’re all just like “it’s for the greater good, good luck!”
so I’m like…
AND THEN I DUNK MY HAND IN A BOWL OF HOT WATER AND I SCREEEEEEEEEEAM
and i hold it in the hot water for a full minute
IT DOESN’T WORK
I DO IT A SECOND TIME
S C R E E E E A M
(my roommate was very concerned at the scream and at being asked to pour olive oil on my hand since it’s hard to maneuver around the kitchen one-handed, trying not to poison any surface with the poison of a thousand suns)
literally it was like that scene in fight club with the lye and ed norton just having to watch his hand sizzle
Another “solution” to the problem was phrased like this:
wear gloves, idiot
My hands are still burning but I’m like jesus h motherfuck it is 2 AM i will just try to sleep and suffer but 10 minutes later I think I am about to just die like this is it, a single jalapeno is going to consume my flesh, starting with my left hand and eventually reaching my heart
gotta give it to the jalapenos they are fighters
didn’t think they were dangerous! but they are
wear gloves idiot
So I went to the fridge and put a bunch of ice cubes in a bag and I just held it in my hand and fell asleep like that, like with a little ice pack teddy bear giving me blissful relieving numbness
Ice is a fucking blessing and don’t you forget it, humankind’s greatest achievement is inventing a machine that will allow us, with some foresight, to have ice on hand whenever the fuck we need it I mean do you realize how amazing that is???? To have a freezer???? To have air conditioning!!!!!
So the icepack melted and my hand was still burning at 4am which is when I woke up from the pain and went to make myself another ice pack. Hours later the ice pack had melted again and my hand felt way WAY better but my pillow was soaked. Doesn’t matter it was a fucking relief to wake up and realize my hand had not been melted by acid.
tldr: never cut a hot pepper with your bare hands!!!!