horrorterrorism

homestuck fan tiers
  • read in 2017: how are you here?
  • read in 2016: you're 14/15 years old
  • read in 2015: a mere fandom toddler
  • read in 2014: the gigapause generation
  • read in 2013: seasoned veteran
  • read in 2012: donated to the kickstarter, still twiddling thumbs
  • read in 2011: [remembers Cascade] I WAS THERE, GANDALF
  • read in 2010: on par with horrorterrors in age and wisdom
  • read in 2009: G O D T I E R
Story titles, invented by neural network

So Prof. Mark Reidl of Georgia Tech is the best kind of geek, and used some cool scripting to extract all the things on Wikipedia with plot summaries: movies, books, tv episodes, video games, etc. That’s a lot of plot summaries: 112,936, to be exact. 

With a dataset this large, a neural network can achieve impressive results. Sure enough, when I trained this open-source neural network framework on just the titles alone, it consistently came up with titles that were both varied and (usually) plausible. 

Below are some of my favorites, arranged roughly by apparent genre:

Action/Adventure

Titanic Buffalo
Pirates: A Fight Dance Story
The Bad Legend
Conan the Pirate
O Bullets
Home Transformers
Shurk Hat Dies!
An Enemy of Bob (Homicide: Life on the Street)
Cannibal Spy II
American Hero: Fire of Crusty
Lego Man Hunt
Nancy Drew: The Last Day (film)
Surf Crisis
Legend of the Experience of Scarlet Freedom Damageboo
American Midnight: Swear Dragon
Problem

Scifi/fantasy

Under the Daleks
Batman and Flancles: The Fun Tree
The Legends of World Planet
Bomberman’s Love
The Enchanted Feed
The Star Wars: The Santa Contact
The Long Ninja Dove in the Air (film)
The History of the Galaxy Bunny Lada
City of the Stupid (film)
Shy Castle
Hamburger (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Swords and Batman: Summer Party ?

Kids/Family

The Boordeeple (2011 film)
A Dog’s Toy Friends
Boop (Adventure Time)
A Dinosaur Quest
Colonel Corn (video game)
Scooby-Drum
New Bear
Borky the Pig (film)
Excellent Very Broken Christmas
The Great Bother Cat (film)
Happy Cat in the Yaku Wonder
Fireman and Halloween Rules
Big Can Flower Home
The Green Yaurglar Pig
Scooby-Doo'Wagon Traps (video game)
Book Dog (film)

Horror

Terror Dog
Tree Screaming
Zombies of Florence
The Trunkelling
A Vampire Time for Monster
Murder’s Eagle
Frozen Bat (film)
Haunted Place
The Sheep of Evil
Barney’s The Devil’s Treachery
Merry Scroobers: Crown of Evil
The Steel-Pounted Murder King
The Shadow of Life of Very Worgy (film)
The Mystical Booged of California

Documentary

Market that Knave
Spork at Bliss
The White Soup
An Indiana Office
The Last Fish Show
The Fish of Education

Restricted section (there were quite a few more of these)

Absilloved Lovers 2: Black Bearfly Dawn
Horse Man Academy 5-R: Cowboy Sheeper Wydex
Breed Bot 3: The Journey Kitchen
Wild Bad Party 109
Pink Moon
Indiscreet Maidman

And finally, a list of the most quintessential story titles, obtained by setting the creativity to near zero on a highly-trained network:

The Story of the Stranger (1994 film)
The Last Day of the Story
The Lost Princess (film)
The Stranger (1994 film)
The Last Star (1994 film)
The Secret of the Story of the Stranger (1996 film)
The Stranger (2014 film)
The Story of the Stars
The Story of the Stranger (1999 film)
The Last Day of the Sun
The Story of the Star Trek: The Secret of the Story of the Star Wars

anonymous asked:

Okay, so here I am, an innocent lurker, having just found this blog, when I see: "what if the skywalkers were cthulu-type monsters." excuse me??? please elaborate you just wrote that and nothing else im dying ex p la i n y o ur s el f

  • The Force is everything that ever was and ever will be, every storm and every silence, the hunting krayk dragon and cowering bantha calf: it is huge, all-consuming, completely inhuman. How, then, could its children be anything short of monstrous? (Wonders, yes. But monsters all the same.)
  • Anakin Skywalker is boy-shaped, but Obi Wan cannot bear to look at him. 
  • A clarification: he can look at him with his human eyes; but he must clamp down the extra eyes his Force-sensitivity gives him, because when he doesn’t – well. The first time he met the boy he hadn’t closed those eyes; he’d open them, wide and curious and seen –
    • teeth and claws and roiling shadows, a slipslide of features and starfire, the white blur of warpspeed and it hurts –
  • Anakin Skywalker is the son of the Force, half human and half something extraordinary. There’s a reason the Jedi don’t like him, why Yoda mistrusts him; they all have to close their extra eyes around him; and even when they’re white-knuckled with effort, clamping down so the Force can’t so much as whisper to them (and that hurts Jedi, of course it does, it runs counter to all their training about opening up and trusting in the Force) and even then they still feel the velvet quiver of unseen limbs over their skin. 
  • And more. And worse. When he is angry – which is often – his shadow warps into something awful, and even the least Force-sensitive being quails at the profound wrongness of the sight. His features warp and melt, teeth spiralling out from his pupils, his mouth cracks open wide, his tongue growing scales and feathers and catching fire and he smiles, oh how he smiles and –
    • nothing like him should exist and
    • and you blink, lose the moment, he’s just a young man glowering at you, and his shadow is the same, but the memory of that horror is seared into the back of your brain.
  • It is no surprise that Padme dies in childbed. 
  • The first child’s cry makes Obi Wan’s bones rattle. It – you could not call it anything but an it – is a twisting, squirming mess of light and dark. There’s a wing, a thorned branch: you cannot focus on it. You cannot pin a shape to it. Obi Wan wants to run away, run and never look back. But the Med Droid is offering it to him; and it is a child, of a sort; and Obi Wan takes it, and it coalesces into a soft pink baby girl. He places it – her – against Padme’s white breast. Padme cradles it. “She’s beautiful.”
  • The second is just the same: pushed out like any human baby, but a roling mess of lightening and thick syrupy cloud, one moment tentacled and the next furred, pure power condensed. Obi Wan takes it in his arms and it solidifies into another fat baby, small and squalling. 
  • He’s not like the other babies, Luke Skywalker. He’s a funny one. When he smiles, you have the sudden absurd impulse that he’s got too many teeth for his face. His hair is corn-gold, but when you see it out of the corner of your eye you swear that it isn’t hair at all, but fire and teeth. Looking at him too long is like staring into the sun. 
  • The other children are scared of him, Behu says to Owen, once. And Owen says: children always know. And Behu says: he isn’t a bad kid. Owen says: he’s a wonder. And that’s the problem. 
  • Jabba’s goons go to the Lars farm to collect water once. Only once. They return to Jabba’s palace gibbering nonsense, with their eyes burned out. Both mumble something about there’s something wrong with the boy and then jump into the ragnar pit. 
  • Don’t do that again, says Owen, but he hugs his nephew all the same, pulls him close, kisses his temple. He feels something hot-cold run over his spine, like something far larger than the child is trying to embrace him back. That night, Behu runs her fingers over the new white scartissue on her husband’s back, and says, he’s a good kid. Owen says, I know.
  • If I was there I could have saved them, Luke says to Ben Kenobi, years later, and in that moment he has a thousand thousand eyes and all of them are burning, and he has no limbs but a dozen wings bearing him aloft, and each feather is molten gold and each feather drips blood. Ben thinks of Anakin, screws his Force-sensitivity closed. Luke is a monster. A wonder. But first and foremost he is a boy, and he is grieving. 
    • Ben Kenobi holds him while he weeps. 
  • When Leia comes, she turns into a celestial horror with more teeth than Han cares to count. “Huh,” he says, after their first time. She’s so little in his arms, but so vast. He feels something gentle his back. He says, “Next time, I’ll wear a blindfold, princess. Don’t want to blind me, do you? Then I won’t be able to see when you’re doing stupid shit.” She titters, presses her face into the curve of his neck. 
    • Love comes to everyone, including monsters. 

OFF THE CUFF HOMESTUCK THOUGHTS #3: THE SELF PILE DOESN’T STOP FROM GETTING TALLER OR: THE PROBLEM OF DEAD MARIOS

DISCLAIMER

IMPORTANT THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK

[CHECK THE TAG FOR MORE THOUGHTS]

So, a long-ass time ago, Rose and Dave had a conversation like this:

TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me?
TT: Will I just cease to exist?
TG: i dont know
TG: i mean your whole timeline will
TG: maybe
TT: Maybe?
TT: Is there a chance it’ll continue to exist, and I’ll just be here alone forever?
TT: I’m not sure which outcome is more unsettling.
TG: the thing with time travel is
TG: you cant overthink it
TG: just roll with it and see what happens
TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded
TT: What do you think I should do?
TG: try going to sleep
TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think
TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen
TT: Ok.
TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through
TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word “self” and still understand what we’re talking about.

This is the most important sentence in Homestuck.

I am dead serious.

Well, OK, I mean, it’s pretty important for understanding some major Homestuck themes and shit or something like that.

Also, I totally should have said: Pre-Retcon Doomed Timeline Non-Dreamself Rose but ultimately about to become Dreamself Rose who semi-merged with Pre-Retcon Alpha Timeline Rose and Doomed Timeline Dave aka Davesprite AKA future Davepetasprite^2 or as we all call them around the office, Davepeta, had that conversation.

Maybe you begin to see what I’m going to talk about here.

One of the major frustrations a lot of people had with the retcon was that the characters we ended up with at the end weren’t the ones we’d come to love and know throughout the story. Was it even worth it, to lose the characters we loved to the tyranny of Game Over? The victorious kids, with the exception of John and Roxy, were other people, with other histories, other goals, and other choices.

Allow me to submit that that may be the whole point.

SBURB is cruel. We’ve known that for a long time. It’s cruel not as Caliborn is cruel, but as the cosmos is cruel, as a supernova is cruel. It wants what it wants, and doesn’t care about how that intersects with the needs of humanity. It wants to make universes through a complex game-playing method, and drags hapless, vulnerable adolescents along for the ride. And most of the time it doesn’t even succeed, leaving its champions to rot in a doomed timeline or similar! Skaia’s victory is an amoral creation myth where individual human beings are just the carved pieces on the chessboard. (I mean, the other ones. Not the carapacians.)

Again, let’s consider the theme of VIDEO GAMES vs. REAL LIFE.

Homestuck, let’s be real, is basically some postmodern horror timey-wimey Jumanji. For a generation way more familiar with pixels than cute little tokens It’s easy for teenagers and in fact, basically everyone, to fantasize about escaping their life and slipping into some game world forever, where they get to do awesome things and be a heroic person.

Homestuck makes that literal. Congratulations, everything you ever knew is dead. You will never see it again, except your internet friends, who turn out also to be your family and other important people. I mean, from a distance, SBURB sounds like an awesome game, right? You figure out who you are and get to wear a cool costume displaying that identity. You get to make anything you want and enjoy this hyperflexible mythology tailored to YOUR CHOICES. HS fans talk all the time about how cool it would be to play a real version of SBURB. That’s a big part of the appeal of SBURB fan adventures. They put you and your friends in the story. Or your favorite characters! It sounds like a fantasy come true.

The thing is, as fantastical as it is, it’s also really fucked up, and ultimately you and your friends are being used. By a giant frog to let it have its babies. By the universe. By a smug blue cloud thing that doesn’t care about you at all.

SBURB does not care about you at all.

The funny thing, SBURB features a mythology with so many layers and nuances and seemingly human motifs about growth and self that you might search for some grand ultimate meaning behind it, but it’s not even human enough to have a personality, to be something you can argue with or fight. It just is. It’s all the cruelty and power of a god without any of the dazzling personality. It’s empty. It just wants to make universes all day long, or fail trying. It is a great, weird tadpole-making machine that eats children.

One of the big ways it doesn’t care about you is its attitude toward the self. Humans and trolls and whatnot prefer not to be relentlessly duplicated. SBURB says, oh yeah, let’s make tons of copies of the player characters and use them for a lot of different purposes.

There’s the dreamself, an essential bifurcation of identity (you are now and were always the dream moon princex) that sometimes gets merged into god tier but sometimes doesn’t. There’s doomed timeline selves, who exist ultimately to augment an Alpha timeline whose Alphaness is decided very arbitrarily and frequently by Lord English. There’s the you who exists before a scratched session and the you who exists afterward, who are two different people but started as one baby in an act of ectobaby meteor duplication, your player self and your guardian self. Dead timeline yous fill up the dreambubbles made by the horrorterrors and get endlessly confused with each other. Any one of these could be the you experience being at any given moment, and which one it is entirely arbitrary. Don’t like being Dead Nepeta #47? Tough hoofbeast leavings, kiddo.

To top it all off, in Terezi: Remember, we learn that every single time we thought someone changed from one self to another, was resurrected or something like that, it was another act of duplication. For every time someone’s died, there’s another version of them waiting in the Dream Bubbles, surprised that they’re not the main character anymore. And we have no way of knowing which is which. Even John, good old everyman John, may or may not be the person who died three or four times. It’s really impossible to say whether we’ve been following the same person throughout our story, or just the illusion of the same person, like a horrifying cosmic flipbook.

The retcon is a return to this same theme. Ultimately, there’s very little new in the changes John makes to reality except that they drive the point home.

John’s friends all died. John and his friends won the game. These things are both true at the same time, except those things may not have happened to the same people. There was a happy ending. Hooray! For, um, some folks who may or may not be the ones we care about. In fact, it’s very confusing, because from Rose’s perspective, Roxy is dead but came back to life, and from Roxy’s perspective Rose is dead but came back to life, except also she came back to life as a weird tentacle catgirl of pure id and self –indulgence. So there’s that. Um. Which Rose are we rooting for again?

Or wait: is it none of them, because the first Rose died in a doomed timeline, hundreds of panels and a number of years ago?

There’s a tension here which one experiences between saying it’s okay because it’s still the same people, and saying it’s not okay, because it’s not the same people at all. This tension is exactly what we’re meant to wrestle with. To put it another way, Homestuck asks if identity can work in aggregate. Are all Johns John, all Roses Rose, and do they all share in what they accomplish? Or are the final victors only accidents created by the whims and needs of the frog baby machine?

What I’m saying, basically, is that the retcon, in the sense that it pointed out our confused relationship with these characters, was already here.

In interviews and questions put to him over the years, Hussie constantly compares HS and SBURB to other video games, particularly Mario, which he frequently returns to as a baseline of comparison that most of his readers will know. One answer, from a recent Hiveswap interview, is particularly revelatory. To the question of “Why do you kill off all your characters?” Hussie replies:

[…]HS is supposedly a story that is also a game. In games, the characters die all the time. How many times did you let Mario fall in the pit before he saved the princess? Who weeps for these Marios. In games your characters die, but you keep trying and trying and rebooting and resetting until finally they make it. When you play a game this process is all very impersonal. Once you finally win, when all is said and done those deaths didn’t “count”, only the linear path of the final victorious version of the character is considered “real”. Mario never actually died, did he? Except the omniscient player knows better. HS seems to combine all the meaningless deaths of a trial-and-error game journey with the way death is treated dramatically in other media, where unlike our oblivious Mario, the characters are aware and afraid of the many deaths they must experience before finally winning the game.

The big man hass the answer.

Homestuck is the story of those dead Marios.

Other works, like Undertale, have engaged with this topic as well. But one of the major differences between Undertale and Homestuck is that in Undertale, between “lives,” one’s consciousness is preserved. In Homestuck, it’s discontinuous, and the value of the overall trial-error process is called into question by the fact that you, the player, may not even get to experience the victory. What meaning does victory hold if that is the case?

So, to put it in a nice thesis format:

One of the central themes of Homestuck is the challenge of reconciling an arbitrary and destructive pattern of growth and victory with the death and suffering you experienced along the way. Homestuck asks: is victory worthwhile if you’re not you anymore? And would you be able to know?

What even is the self? Is there such a thing?

If you were left feeling somewhat disconcerted by our heroes’ tidy victory and departure to their cosmic prize, or by how which Rose gets the spotlight is so deeply, deeply arbitrary, there’s a good reason for that. You’re supposed to be.

The philosophical problem of Wacky Cat Rose is insignificant next to the bullshit of SBURB.

And don’t forget—John and Roxy’s denizens helped them achieve the retcon. Ultimately, the victory they achieved was mediated by the same amoral system of SBURB, and was a victory over an enemy, Caliborn, whose power was created, perpetuated, and ended by that same system.

Okay, so here’s where it gets contentious. There’s an argument to be made, which I’m not sure how I feel about, that some of the character development that could have been in post-retcon Act 6 was left out precisely to push this feeling and play up this tension. Note that this is not the same thing as saying that they were deliberately badly written, but that they’re deliberately written to make us uneasy.That Hussie deliberately played with the balance between making these retconned characters feel familiar and making them feel eerily different to leave us feeling uneasy with the result.

I’m not sure I like that idea. It smacks a little too much of that “everything is perfect” thinking that comes sometimes from the far Metastuck camp. Some of the differences may also be the result of flawed writing. (See: Jane and Jake’s character arcs, which I might talk about later.) And I want to be able to critique those flaws. Ultimately, I think we still needed more time and development to figure out who these new people were—even if our goal was ultimately to compare them to their earlier selves. And again, more conscious acknowledgement of the problem from our heroes—especially John, the linchpin in this last and biggest act of duplication—might have helped drive this theme home.

Still, I think the Problem of Dead Marios is one of the most fundamental questions of Homestuck, maybe THE biggest question. It’s essential to understand it to understand what Hussie’s doing—or attempting to do— in the retcon and the ending.

I don’t know that Homestuck offers us a clear answer to that question. There are some confusions around the issue, too. Where do merged selves fit in, exactly? Clearly they’re a big part of the discussion, because Hussie spends some time in Act 6, especially near the end bringing the identity-merging powers of the Sprites to the forefront. (See also: the identity-merged nightmare that is Lord English.)  Can we even come up with a clear answer to what it means when a dead Mario returns to life grotesquely fused with Toad? How does he beat the game? Does he tell himself that the princess is in another castle? Or what if he merges with Peach? Are they their own princess? How do they know if they’re in the right castle?

Um. Anyway—

Interestingly, it’s not all grotesque—spritesplosions suggest that personalities that are too different don’t stay together long, so a fusion might rely on some inherent compatibility between the two players. Erisol’s self-loathing, sure, but also Fefeta’s cheerfulness. Davepeta seems to be a way of bringing out the best in their players, a way of getting Davesprite past his angst and Nepeta past her fear. Honestly, I know a lot of people don’t like Davepeta as the ending of these two characters’ arcs, but I can’t help but love it. They’re the ultimate coolkid. Cool enough to know they don’t have to be cool. Regular Dave got there, too, of course. But was his retcon assist from John ultimately any different?

Then, of course, we come to Davepeta’s speech to Jade in one of the last few updates before Collide. Davepeta suggests that there is such a thing as an ultimate self beyond the many different selves one piles up throughout the cosmos. A set of principles that describes who you are that’s larger than any individual instance of you. Your inherent Mariohood. (Maybe this is comparable to your Classpect identity, which attempts to describe who you are?) Davepeta even tells Jade, strikingly, that one might learn to see beyond the barriers between selves. Be the ur-self, in practice, rather than theory. This would be incredible news for Jade, who wrestles with the issue of different selves perhaps more than any other character. (There’s a lot to say about Jade.)

Honestly, I wish this ur-self idea had been developed more, and I honestly expected it to be. It doesn’t fully come to fruition, I feel. (Same goes for Davepeta’s character. Ohhhh, ZING!) I’m not sure it entirely makes philosophical sense, especially with fusion—I mean, doesn’t Davepeta themself disprove it? Or at least complicate it? Like, are they part of the ur-Dave or the ur-Nepeta? They seem to imply they’re BOTH? Does that even work? Does that mean that Marieach is all the Peaches and Marios at once?

(In fact, Bowser/Peach/Mario are but the three manifestations of one eternal principle. Also, Bowser/Peach are the true power couple. Read my fanfiction plz.)

And what, say, of Dirk, who ultimately ends up rejecting aspects of his other selves? It feels like there’s a lot more you could say here, and I wonder if Hussie would have said more, if he’d had time. What’s weird is, none of our victorious kids never reach an ur-self (though to their descendants, they become archetypal to some degree), which one might have expected. They’re just individual selves who happened to get lucky. Does that make them representative of the whole? It feels like something’s missing here, or like something got dropped at the last minute.

Same goes for the idea of the Ultimate Riddle. You’d be forgiven for missing it, but there’s been this riddle in the background lore of SBURB that seems to have something to do with personal agency in this overwhelming, overarching system. Karkat called it predestination, saying something like “ANY HOPE YOU HAD OF DOING THINGS OTHERWISE WAS JUST A RUSE.” But others have interpreted it more positively. My favorite interpretation, from bladekindeyewear: the answer to the Riddle is that YOU shape the timeline through your existence, personality, and choices, even when it looks like it’s all predestination. Ultimately it’s your predestination, your set of events, based deeply on your nature, that you are creating. Someone like Caliborn can use his innate personality to achieve power; someone like John might be able to use it to achieve freedom.

I definitely expected something like that to be expressed more explicitly. Like, a big ah-ha moment that helps John or Jade or whoever understand how to escape Caliborn’s system. Something like that would have been very helpful for a lot of our heroes, actually, who’ve been pushed around by Skaia and SBURB together, in finding a cathartic ending.  Once again, I wonder if something was dropped or rushed because there wasn’t time to put it all in. There’s places where you can see hints of that Answer being implied, maybe? But it’s kind of ambiguous.

You can see how the Answer to the Ultimate Riddle ties into some of Davepeta’s ideas. If your personality, the rules of your behavior are a fundamental archetype that goes beyond each individual self, then the answer to whether it matters if one self of yours makes it through to victory is an emphatic YES. You are all of those people, and by winning one round with Skaia, you’ve won the whole game, despite all the arbitrary challenges and deaths it heaps upon you along the way.

This may strike some as too positive for Skaia’s brutality, or again, some way of excusing flaws in many characters’ arcs, or unfair things that happen to them. To be fair, I don’t know that Davepeta’s necessarily meant to be taken as authoritative or the voice of Hussie. They may simply be offering a purrspective.

Hussie not choosing to come right out and engage with the Ultimate Riddle leaves the question of Dead Marios and what they mean for the victorious versions of our cast very open. I like that in some ways—let the reader decide—but I can’t help but wish we had more to work with in making that decision. Plus, it might have brought the thematic messages of Homestuck all the way home to tie them more closely to our characters and their experiences—character development being one of the things most people found most lacking in the ending.

NEXT TIME: All that wacky gnostic stuff probably

agentsokka  asked:

Not sure if you've made posts about it before (sorry if you have!), but could you elaborate more on the alphas not 'getting' each others' main flaws? I'm really curious since I haven't heard their relationships described like that before.

Sure, let me try to articulate what I mean here. 

Basically, the alphas as a group all love each other SO MUCH, which is awesome, they’re this closeknit squad and they’re all so important to each other and their relationships all make me feel enormous sprawling feelings, but the sheer AMOUNT they all love each other sort of blinds them to some of their own needs. They all want to think the very best of each other, and the occasional thoughts they have about each other that aren’t like 100% positive get immediately suppressed and marinated in guilt juice and they try not to acknowledge it and go back to focusing on the good instead. 

So they’re all kind of bottling things up about each other, right? But it doesn’t come from any malicious place, it comes from a place of wanting to be the best they can be because they care about everyone else’s opinion so much but also knowing they aren’t always their best selves – and knowing their friends aren’t always their best selves – but if THEY know their friends sometimes are shitty, that means everyone else might know that THEY are sometimes shitty, too. 

They’re all trying so hard to downplay the bad and upjump the good, which is MUCH MUCH easier to do with online relationships. 

You throw them into physical proximity and suddenly those annoyances you all tried so hard to pretend didn’t bug you that bad and never talked about because talking about unpleasant things is, well, unpleasant, start to boil over. Put that on top of the stressful circumstances that led to several relationships starting the session OFF more strained than usual, and wow. They had no fucking chance. 

I love the alphas so much – they got shit on by a lot of the fandom because their plotline was so internal and cerebral, but that is the kind of shit I LOVE. The betas were all friends, but they never felt like ONE GROUP to me. The full four way group dynamic never crystallized. We always found them interacting one on one and rarely ABOUT one another, because the betas’ conflicts were more or less external. The betas’ story up to Collide was them vs the environment, the game, doc scratch, sburb, the horrorterrors. The alphas’ story is so much about THEM. Their relationships. Them as a group. Their interpersonal issues and foibles and there’s this element of nitty gritty real HUMAN-ness to their struggles that isn’t super present with most of the betas who feel like more fantastical figures that struggle against equally fantastical antagonists. (The betas KIND OF segue into something like this post-Collide, but it’s not expounded upon as much, they’re split into different groups, and also a lot of it got retconned - Jade and John had some interesting moments on the boat but that stuff was probably the biggest victim of the retcon.)

OKAY. 

Here’s an example of what I mean to wrap it up: 

Jane and Roxy are best friends, they love each other deeply, you can tell from their every interaction that they care tremendously about each other’s opinion of them, but. Roxy has a drinking problem. This (I think) clearly makes Jane uncomfortable sometimes, but Jane suppresses it and pushes it down because she wants to think the best of Roxy, she minimizes the issue. No one ever confronts Roxy about this very serious problem she has in any real or effective way (not just Jane, NO ONE does this) because they all want to think the best of her and oh… haha….. it’s just a little foible… just  a quirk…. it’s cool…. not a big deal …. I’m sure roxy has her life under control no big deal!!

Basically EVERY alpha relationship has something like this going on. Everyone downplays how much the AR bugs them because hey I’m sure Dirk has things under control he probably does this on purpose god Dirk you’re so silly jeez Dirk we’d really like to talk to you instead of your fucking hell robot sometimes but oh well I’m sure Dirk knows what he’s doing ho hum let’s all downplay how much this actually bothers us because we want to think the best of Dirk and can’t imagine him ever creating a situation he genuinely cannot deal with or control because well gosh he’s just so capable!

Everyone downplays how selfish Jake can be because oh well Jake is just silly he’s so nice he doesn’t MEAN to be this way I mean it’s JAKE how could Jake English ever do something as vaguely malicious as take advantage of how he KNOWS Jane never really says what she’s thinking if that thing is hard to say and use that to his advantage to give him a perfectly reasonable out on having to tell her he isn’t interested in a romantic relationship with her and then, KNOWING she actually did have a huge crush on him, constantly inundate her with his issues with his boyfriend for months thereafter. Surely Jake could never be that manipulative he’s so nice!! (NOTE: I love Jake English, specifically BECAUSE of things like this, I honestly would not like him if he were actually the way fanon paints him all the time, some weak cinnamon roll that can do no wrong.) 

etc etc etc

This is why I love the alphas! They are a group of fucked up teenagers who are all struggling so fucking bad but all need their friends to believe everything is ok, and who need to believe their friends are ok, who want so bad for each other to be happy that they sabotage themselves both individually and as a group in misguided attempts to pretend at and manufacture that happiness without actually doing the hard work of fixing the underlying issues preventing them from TRULY achieving it. 

(The one issue, as with most things in Homestuck that I have issues with, is that we are not shown the resolution to these arcs and struggles in canon, boooooooooooooooooooooo)

anonymous asked:

How did Makkachin come to serve the Nikiforov family?

Okay so @kixboxer is the one who came up with the concept of Horrorterror Makkachin so, like, this is not Official Hellbeast Canon or anything BUT in regards to the Babies!! AU, this is essentially how things go down:

The Hellbeast Currently Known As Makkachin always takes on the form which will help him get as close to his prey as possible. He used to be a very successful harvester of souls this way. It isn’t hard to get people to trust you when you can take on the form of an injured bird, or their cat, or their toddler…

So the Hellbeast was hanging out in Saint Petersburg one day because the fall of the Soviet Union has given people’s souls the delicious flavor of despair. He gets a whiff of the glorious smell of Success and follows it to the door of an ice skating rink. 

Out comes Viktor Nikiforov, long silver hair tied into a tight ponytail on top of his head and eyes squinted against the headache it’s causing. He’s fifteen, due to make his senior debut in the coming season, and hasn’t seen his mother in three years. When he sees what appears to be a little beige poodle puppy, he gasps.

“Oh,” he whispers, hands pressed to his mouth. “Oh, oh, oh. A puppy. Hello. Oh, oh, hello!”

The Hellbeast, who knew that Viktor’s favorite dog is a poodle and who knows that if he looks hungry and pitiful enough Viktor will not be able to resist taking him home, whines and nuzzles his nose against Viktor’s shoe.

This is where the Hellbeast errs. 

Because yes, objectively, he knows that he is still a Hellbeast. But he did not consider the drawbacks that taking the form of such a pure and good animal would cause. There is always some amount of influence from the forms he chooses to take–the toddler, for instance, gave him unignorable cravings for paste, which he ate massive quantities of after consuming the soul of the babysitter. 

Just as unignorable is the urge to…love? This teenager who is standing in front of him with an athletic bag swung over his shoulder and too much burden stacked onto his delicate shoulders?

The Hellbeast follows Viktor home, still determined to eat his soul, and upon entering Viktor’s dorm room–which is literally just a bed, a desk, and a wardrobe–he can’t help but stare at Viktor with an expression that would translate into You live like this? if the Hellbeast had chosen a form which could talk Human languages.

“It’s not much,” Viktor whispers, unearthing the can of dog food he bought on the way home from his bag. “But Lilia Petrovna lets me stay here rent-free since her husband agreed to become my coach. You have to be quiet, though, because I’m not supposed to have animals. Here.” He opens the pull tab on the can and sets it down for the Hellbeast to eat. 

The Hellbeast can only achieve its Ungodly Power from the consumption of souls, but it does gain small amounts of nutrition from food, depending on its form. He eats the dog food, mostly because he chose the form of an emaciated poodle puppy and can’t starve this body forever. 

“Aw, good boy,” Viktor whispers, and pets the Hellbeast’s head. 

And this is where the Hellbeast decides that, perhaps just for the night, he will not consume the soul of Lonely Little Vitya Nikiforov. 

He tells himself for months that tomorrow, he will take Viktor’s soul. But Viktor brushes him and clips his nails and gives him a nonsensical name and lets him sleep curled up and warm under the blankets with him and the Hellbeast wonders if, perhaps, this isn’t such a bad life after all.

It might be nice to spend a few decades as a pampered pooch. 

Of course, the Feelings creep in and soon enough he realizes that his identity as Hellbeast has started to shift. He is no longer a Harbinger of the Apocalypse, a Consumer of Souls. Nor is he a simple fluffy poodle, even if he spends his days waiting for Viktor to come home and give him the belly rubs that this form craves.

He is something else. Some other third thing. He is Makkachin.

He is given new purpose by his urge to protect Viktor Nikiforov, a purpose which is intensified a hundred times over when the Other Master comes into Viktor’s life and they start adding these helpless, hairless little humans to their pack. 

One night, Viktor has a dream that a horrible being, five hundred stories in height with horrid red eyes and glimmering obsidian teeth comes to him and tells him that he and his family will be protected forever, allowed to grow very old generation after generation, if at the end of his life he lets his soul be taken. 

Viktor, who thinks that his own soul is a small price to pay for such a thing, of course agrees. There is something familiar about the horrorterror that comes to him that night. Something benevolent, despite appearances. 

Besides, it was just a dream. 

topaz-rabbit  asked:

You know how Mr Alan Ituriel joked about being Black Hat's dad. Okay, what if that were true, and Mr Ituriel was his dad and raised him since he was a barely sentient eldritch squid baby monster thing. How's that possible if BH is probably really fucking old. Easy Mr Ituriel would be some immortal that one day was like"yep, I'm going to raise this demon. Sounds fun." But he's the most suburban of dads ever, but never tried stifling BH's evil tendencies, he encouraged them even.

(Continued) Like Mr Ituriel has seen his son kill several men, and was just like ‘eh, kids will be kids.’ He is an immortal that gives no fucks. He is one of the few humans BH can say he’s ‘fond’ of (will never say it out loud) The one time he visited his son, because he’s a proud pop pop of his sons success and see how he’s doing because HE NEVER CALLS. So as a slight act of payback, he tells EMBARRASSING stories ‘Remember when your powers started to come in Hattie? You scared yourself silly!’

((I am torn between staying consistent with my personal theories and completely abandoning them for this great hc. So let’s just say I’m gonna be very contradictory with whatever the fuck I post, because oh man Normal Dad Alan Ituriel is a very good idea indeed.))

  • Alan, an immortal demi-human with abnormal morals who lives in the Mexican suburbs, is walking by an alleyway or something when he hears some kind of blood-curdling screech
  • naturally his first instinct is ‘oooh what the fuck is that let’s go find out.’ so he looks in a dumpster, and finds one dead-looking prostitute with some kind of Alien-franchise-esque parasite abomination thing crawling out of her chest cavity. It’s covered in blood, seems to be only made of wriggling black tentacles, and hissing.
  • “Aww, cute! Come on little guy, let’s get you cleaned up.” He kinda scoops him up with a shopping bag; he may be immortal, but fuck touching whatever fluids those are. Alan casually carries his writhing, screaming horrorterror baby home in a yellow plastic bag, and promptly throws it into the tub.
  • (Cue the insane bathtime montage where Alan locks it in the bathroom and sprays it with the showerhead until it’s clean enough to touch. BH tries to “kill” him (his hand) several times. Alan laughs.)
  • Once BH is thoroughly doused, he resembles a drenched eldritch cat, a soggy, angry bundle of wriggling flesh, multiple eyes, and gnashing teeth. He has not stopped trying to bite Alan.
  • Alan grabs him by the “scruff” and he immediately starts fighting back. He puts him in a cage until BH tires himself out from screaming and pounding at the bars. The two just stare at each other for a moment, silently regarding the other.
  • Alan sits in front of it and throws a small piece of raw meat into the cage. BH devours it in seconds. Alan unlocks the cage. BH instantly tries to attack him again. Alan puts him back in the cage. He waits a few minutes for the tantrum to end, then repeats the process.
  • eventually BH realizes he can get more food if he stays still for longer. so he stops fighting back and let’s Alan lure him closer, piece by piece. Eventually Alan has BH practically in his lap, literally eating out of the palm of his hand. With more food in him, he’s calmed down a bit. Alan smiles. Okay, this is pretty cute.
  • Only Alan would find BH eating cute tbh, it’s quite fucking disgusting how much raw meat has been spilled all over the place
  • Eventually BH is sated, becoming sleepy and much more complacent. He bites very, very weakly when Alan picks him up. Alan kind of cradles him like a baby, then pets him like a cat. The tentacles quiver. “Weird.” He thinks that means he likes it? BH falls asleep in Alan’s arms. “Cool.”
  • Fast forward a couple months, when BH exits the “larval stage.” That outer casing of tentacles is basically a cocoon, and BH eats and grows and eats and grows until he goes from small cat-sized to human-toddler sized. Then he stops fucking moving.
  • Alan freaks out thinking that he’s killed his adopted son after poking him with a stick for a day doesn’t do anything. Then, the outer casing splits open. BH re-emerges from his “pupal stage” as a fully-grown juvenile, basically a one-year old child. He looks like a miniature version of his current form, but without the dapper clothes or any teeth, and with two open eyes. Alan literally squeals and hugs him. BH tries to bite him again. Some things never change.
  • From there it’s basically like raising a baby, with a couple more eldritch aspects. BH grows twice as fast as an ordinary human. Alan dresses him in adorable baby clothes, not because he needs them, but because it makes him look “soooooo cuuuuute!!!”
  • BH’s teeth grow in, and Alan has to use metal teething rings when normal plastic doesn’t work. BH’s learns how to walk with Alan holding his hands. BH’s claws grow in and Alan files them down for him so he doesn’t hurt himself.
  • It takes about a month or so for BH to start talking. Normally he makes little eldritch blurbles that would make a human’s bones melt. Alan just repeats normal words that sound vaguely similar. Eventually BH gets the hang of it. (BH always claims that his first word was “evil”, but it’s his and Alan’s closest-kept secret that it was actually “papá”)
  • Black Hat’s powers come in during his “evil puberty.” He wakes up one morning feeling a little odd and… shimmery? It feels like his body isn’t quite there, like he’s almost floating outside of his flesh. Then he looks down, focusing on his arm. It solidifies more, feels less fuzzy. He focuses again, bringing the fuzziness back, and watches as it changes
  • “DAD HOLY FUCK”
  • Alan is kind of nervous as BH demonstrates how he can turn his arm into an actual, functioning snake. He gets even more nervous when BH starts sleep-teleporting. Alan wakes up with BH on the roof, BH in the garden, BH on the floor of his room, and BH a couple streets away. He always manages to find his son though, he just has to hurry before BH wakes up. (The first time Black Hat woke up after a sleep-teleport, he was confused and scared and started ripping dimensional holes trying to get home. Alan found him about a town over, but it had been quite the scare.)
  • Shortly after this, BH’s “edgy” phase started. (“MY NAME IS MR. WUT NOW DAD”) Alan never really tried to talk him out of it, instead just giving him the eldritch version of “The Talk.”
  • “Now I know that lately your body has been going through some… changes, and I know that might be scary. But any, uh, urges you feel are completely natural, and–” “DAD FOR FUCK’S SAKE I KNOW ALREADY, OKAY?? I’ve been murdering people for like, five months now.” “Oh, okay, if you ever need any, protection, or help hiding a body, you know you can always ask–” “GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM!

It’s a great relationship they have. BH moves out a couple years later to start his business, and refuses to call Alan (out of pride? probably??) Alan doesn’t let him get away that easily, and each year he makes several unannounced visits. It almost always results in some kind of one-sided yelling match between the angry Black Hat and his cheerful dad, as his horrified employees listen on…

anonymous asked:

9 with our fave hellbeast

Horrorterror Makkachin loves pats.

Also, whoever is touching him gets just the littlest bit of fuzziness in their head? This is why Yuuri likes patting Makkachin so much. It makes him calm and he doesn’t think about so many things all at once. Makkachin knows this, and tends to press his body against Yuuri when he can tell that Yuuri is becoming anxious. They go through the steps of getting Makkachin registered as an emotional support dog when Yuuri comes to Saint Petersburg so that Makkachin can come on airplanes and stay in hotel rooms with them.

Also he’s just!! so soft!! Viktor is always shocked at how soft Makkachin is because he doesn’t really take him to the groomers? He used to, often, but the groomers used to tell him that Makkachin’s hair wasn’t too long and that he couldn’t have a bath too often or his skin would get dry. Viktor was always confused because Makkachin??? hadn’t had a bath in two months?? He eventually just gave up.

Sometimes Makkachin purposefully rolls in something filthy because he enjoys bathtime with the people. Viktor does, too. There are many pictures and videos on Viktor’s phone of Yuuri standing with a pair of old and loose sweatpants (Viktor’s) rolled up to mid-thigh, carefully shampooing Makkachin’s ears and singing, “What a good boy Makkachin! Let’s get all clean Makka-makkachin!”

@weedjewish

ive used about half of these essays to piss and whine about bad writing in homestuck, and i guess thats because its easy to do, but lets be real - andrew hussie didnt fail anybody nearly as hard as he failed to establish jade and roses relationship. the beta kid friendship dynamics are the foundation that homestucks characterization rests on, and every single combination of those kids got deeply explored, with pages and pages of conversations and exchanges of letters and gifts; i didnt have to be told that these kids cared deeply and would die for each other because i was shown it

except for jade and rose, who only have a handful of conversations, and all of those conversations - like most of jades early interactions with the betas - are primarily exposition. ive written about this before, but up until descend, jade is an exposition machine. she doesnt really get to develop or come into her own until after her dreamself dies and she changes dramatically - even her introductory pages where we learn about her living situation on hellmurder island serve the primary narrative purpose of foreshadowing and introducing plot devices (appearifiers, first guardians, etc.)

and its not a coincidence that the only two betas who dont get to develop with each other are the two girls. granted hussie does eventually prove he knows how to write complex and compelling friendships and romances between girls, and in fact seems to be quite good at it (see: homestucks endgame f/f couples)… but its a shame because jade and rose have the simple, straightforward “opposites attract” dynamic thats ripe for funny and intriguing character interactions. gothy grimdark pseudo-intellectual rose and sunshiney genki granola girl jade. they both have a sense of humor. its a shame we didnt get thousands of words of them goofing off and ripping on each other like john and dave did. But Alas

rose and jade are inversions of each other. rose is Peak Derse (withdrawn, brooding, not as smart as she makes herself out to be, with a deep narrative connection to the horrorterrors) and jade is Peak Prospit (sociable, sunshiney, smarter than her friends give her credit for, with a deep narrative connection to skaia). they were initially implied to have each others classpects (when it turned out to be the goth girl writing wizard fanfiction wasnt the witch of space, and the outdoorsy gardener who saw visions of the future wasnt the seer of light), which was a deliberate move on hussies part.

i think i saw a post a while ago describing roses grimdark throes and jades grimbark possession as “direct parallels” of each other, which…. isnt entirely true. theyre not parallels, theyre contraposites.

rose channels the power of the horrorterrors, but she does so willingly, because her goals and the goals of the horrorterrors are the same - even when she goes “off the deep end” shes still acting in her own self-interest (seeking out revenge against jack for killing her mother). when jade goes grimbark she is stripped entirely of her autonomy - her feelings of resentment towards dave(sprite) come to the surface, but theyre not her motivation, nor would she choose to hurt dave (or any of her friends) in retribution of her own free will.

rose goes grimdark in the wake of her mothers death; jade goes grimbark immediately after reuniting with her parent. roses quest for revenge (against jack) is her catalyst; jades desire for retribution (against dave) is circumstantial. and ultimately rose KNOWS, before going off to fight jack, that this will kill her (both scratch and jade tell her so); jades death (in the game over timeline) was not something she or the condesce foresaw

rose has a lot of the same fun thematic similarities and narrative inversions in common with jade as she does with kanaya, and one of those two is her wife while she never got to have so much as a friendship with the other really explored in the canon. theres a lot of potential there, not just for character interactions, to say nothing of Shipping. i feel like i end every one of these posts this way but whyd you have to do us so dirty andrew

Tips For Dealing with the Eldritch

This is a gentle reminder to give any creatures beyond the veil of human understanding some love. Here are some tips.

1. Do not mention Lovecraft. (He was racist and supported many of the stereotypes and body issues that affect many of the Eldritch to this day)  

2. Make sure to act properly terrified. (You don’t want to make a young horrorterror feel bad just because they haven’t grown into their adult tendrils yet) 

3. Make sure your offering is age appropriate. (You don’t want to give a young two million year old a herd of ram all to themselves) 

4. Try to listen to what the unfathomable have to say. (It’s rude to blatantly stare at the tentacles while they are trying to speak)

5. Remember the Eldritch love to be cuddled. You may lose your mind (or even your soul) but isn’t it worth it to see that.. I think it’s a smile?  

I don’t have time to write it all out right now, but I have to get this idea out before I lose inspiration–

WHAT IF DR FLUG IS COVERED IN SCARS?

I’ve seen some theories floating around that suggest Flug was bullied as a kid, and maybe he has some scars from that, but I mean experiment gone horribly wrong type scars.

Adding on to this, what if the reason Black Hat is the way he is now is from the same experiment that went horribly wrong?

I just have this scene in my head where Black Hat and Dr. Flug are in the lab, and there’s this giant machine–probably a portal to smoother universe or something–and probably-human BH is so excited because it’s taken them so long to get to this point and they’re finally here! Flug pulls the switch, alarms start blaring, the machine crackles with electricity, BH rushes forward to see what’s wrong–
BOOM! Some otherworldly creature emerges from the machine and catches BH. Flug can’t get close through all the chaos. Meanwhile, eldritch horror demon starts baby talking BH about how cute it is that he’s trying to play god or something along those lines, then it decides to give BH a taste of what being a god is really like. Cue tortured screaming from human BH as his entire being is rewritten from the inside out–
Flug, finally figures out how to send the horrorterror back to its home dimension without BH and punches in the code, but by the time he’s done, it’s too late. BH is writhing on the floor, coughing up blood and ichor and screaming. The lab is on fire and the building is probably going to collapse soon. Flug braves the danger and goes to BH’s side, but he’s out of it, and lashes out at Flug, thinking it was the demon. Flug takes the hit, but he’s determined to get BH out. He drags BH out of the building, taking hits from fire, electricity, and BH himself all the way. They make it out just in time to avoid getting crushed by the rubble. Only after Flug knows BH is safe does he pass out from his injuries.

Some time later, Flug wakes up in a hospital bed covered in bandages. BH is by his bedside, no visible injuries but almost completely unrecognizable now that the demon’s magic has corrupted him. He yells at Flug for nearly dying on him and for being so stupid and reckless, but Flug can tell that BH cares. BH hands Flug a paper bag with built-in goggles, telling Flug it’s because of the scars (in a more cold, aggressive way,) but really it’s because he can’t stand to see what he’d done to Flug. BH then demands Flug rest and leaves the room a-la tsundere Black Hat style. Flug puts on the bag out of respect.

So.  I routinely google my own site because I am a lazy piece of shit who would rather click a link than type shit.

And I see THIS amazing shit for google’s current description or whatever: “SUGGESTED ACTION: CONTACT JADEDRESEARCHER. CONVINCE THEM TO FIX SESSION: 175538741.“

Which is absolutely my built in error message if shit gets real.

And at first I’m like, holy shit, Google is being a bro and trying to help a fellow AI out.  But, when I go to that session, it’s fine. No problems. Well, I mean, they fucked up the Ectobiology, but that’s on them, not me.

So then I start thinking that maybe whatever mechanism google’s web crawlers use to find shit isn’t implementing javascript right, hence the bug (whenever I get a browser wide session crash, that’s why).

AND that gets me thinking about my headcanon that sessions aren’t “real” until they are simulated. So like, sure I’m an asshole anytime I add a bug or drop the survival rate into the low teens, but I’m only an asshole to like, one session. MAYBE 50 or so if AB is helping me out.  As long as I don’t post an update with huge problems (where all of you people will simulate way more sessions than I could alone), then I’m not TOO much of an Asshole Creator.

So.

Like.

If GOOGLE is crawling all over my site, crashing every session it encounters.

Does that make Google a HorrorTerror???

Edit: At least one other person is seeing the Google crashes session thing, too. Amazing. Fucking amazing.

anonymous asked:

makkachin 10 :D

Makkachin the poodle is a standard, silver-beige poodle with a teddy bear cut. He is tall enough on his hind legs that he can lick Viktor’s shoulder. Makkachin the poodle has black, some would say ageless and unfathomably deep, eyes.

MAKKACHIN THE HELLBEAST’S TRUE FORM IS THAT OF A HORRID FIGURE, ROUGHLY THREE EMPIRE STATE BUILDINGS IN HEIGHT, WITH GLOWING RED EYES AND ROWS UPON ROWS OF SHARP TEETH. IT SMELLS OF PETRICHOR AND BURNING WOOD WHICH Y’KNOW ISN’T UNPLEASANT BUT LIKE EVEN HORRORTERRORS GOTTA KEEP UP THEIR HYGIENE U KNOW HOW IT ISSSSS

Strangely enough, if Viktor Nikiforov were to come face-to-face with this horrid visage, he would probably still pet it and call it his baby.

rainywithachanceofstars  asked:

Would "wholesome" happen to include more of Kyo and Koichi's relationship with immortal horrorterror Makkachin?

BOY OH BOY IF IT WASN’T BEFORE IT IS NOW.

As mentioned before, the Nikiforov family moves back to Japan before Koichi and Kyo are born. Yuuri’s parents are reaching that age where they really need the help at the Onsen, no matter how much or how little they say they want the help. Mari is there, but she’s only one person, and she’s not a spring chicken anymore either and Yuuri wants to give her a chance to, like, take it easy for awhile and maybe take a vacation every once in awhile, Mari, God you have more gray hair than Viktor.

So they’re thinking, this is good, we’ll move back to Japan with our three kids and we’ll coach and choreograph and help run the Onsen. Not a bad way to spend the literal DECADES of retirement that are stretching out before them. 

Viktor gets a vasectomy, because as much as he’d like to have just one more baby, he knows that they, too, are getting older, maybe a little too old to have an infant again, or a toddler. They’re still recovering from Emma’s toddlerhood which was…a trip.

Viktor is still literally feeling the vasectomy pain when Makkachin starts doing that sentry-thing he does in front of Yuuri when he’s pregnant.

“No fucking way,” Yuuri hisses when he notices, and Viktor rushes to the store to get six different pregnancy tests.

Yuuri’s incredulity at finding out he’s pregnant at age 38 is only overshadowed by the incredulity at finding out he’s pregnant with twins at age 38.

“You had a VASECTOMY,” Yuuri shrieks, not for the first time–or even the ten or twentieth–into his pillow.

Of course, no Nikiforov in their right mind is going to pretend that they aren’t looking forward to a baby, least of all Makkachin, who takes an odd amount of pleasure in Viktor’s offspring for an ageless and unfathomably wise former harbinger of the Apocalypse. 

Yuuri’s labor with Kyo and Koichi is difficult, and nobody who works at the hospital is quite sure why, during the whole twelve hours Yuuri labors, there’s a poodle hanging out outside the emergency room, staring with purposeful focus somewhere up towards the fifth floor? It never wants to come in and every time someone even thinks about trying to coax it inside with food or something, they suddenly find themselves overcome with distraction and wander away, only to come back to themselves twenty minutes later on the fourth floor of the parking garage with very little memory of how they got there.

(Viktor and Yuuri are later told that they’re very lucky both twins survived, because they shared both an amniotic sack and a placenta, and usually that’s a recipe for parasitic twins. Koichi and Kyo, later in life, will use this information to taunt one another. 

“I always knew you were the parasitic twin,” Koichi hisses at Kyo when he shifts in the wrong way and tips them over during a lift.

“IF YOU WANTED TO KILL ME WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST EAT ME IN THE WOMB,” Kyo screams across the rink after Koichi drops him on a death spiral and sends him into the boards.)

The day Koichi and Kyo are brought home, Makkachin plants himself between their bassinets and glares warily at anyone whose last name is not Katsuki or Nikiforov. This is unfortunate, because dozens of guests ‘accidentally’ wander into the family-only area just to see the twins. 

When the twins learn to walk, it’s Makkachin they hold onto. Yuuri drops one of his favorite ceramic bowls when he walks into the tatami room and finds both Kyo and Koichi toddling around the room with Makkachin patiently standing between them. 

“They shouldn’t be walking yet,” Yuuri hisses to Viktor later that night. “They only just started pulling themselves up.”

“My babies are going to be such good skaters someday,” Viktor coos, craddling both twins in either arm. Behind him, Makkachin seems to wink. Yuuri is more or less used to this now.

Two-and-a-half year old Koichi decides that Makkachin can be ridden like a horse. Makkachin isn’t going to tell him otherwise.

The Nikiforovs sort of admit to the fact that Makkachin is some sort of immortal hellbeast when Viktor and Yuuri hit their eighties and Makkachin is still around. It’s okay, because two different generations have learned to walk holding onto his collar, and, mysteriously, when the Nikiforov children start arguing about who should take Makkachin when Yuuri and Viktor pass away (at the same time, on the same night, at ages 97 and 94) little brown poodle puppies start appearing in the neighborhood.

Horrorterror Makkachin isn’t going to lie; it’s hard to multiply yourself like that, but it helps when the souls you enrich yourself with are cooperative and are okay with you eating them since, y’know, you waited until they were old, and also you’ve sworn an eternity-long bloodpact to protect their family until the line dies out.

Koichi is the one who eventually takes Makkachin home with him, and sometimes Makkachin pokes his head in the bedroom door at night, like he remembers Viktor doing when he was a kid, and Koichi feels almost like it’s his Papa is there, somehow. 

And Irina’s dog Cavalier sometimes acts just like Yuuri, fretting and gentle and very, very happy when he gets good food.

Mikhail’s dog Pooka is grumpy and temperamental, like Grandpa Yakov used to be, but also very loving if you just sit there and let him come to you.

Emma’s dog Biscuit reminds them just a little of Aunt Mari, the way she’s quiet and reserved. But she’ll always find you if you’re crying. 

Kyo’s dog is somehow like both Grandma and Grandpa Katsuki. She’s happy but quiet, loyal and just a little goofy. Her name is Katsudon.