horrible who lock

To Ward haters

You probably shouldn’t read this if you know you are right about that Nazi douchebag who got what he deserved.

But if you want to hear why someone (in this case: me) might like him, relate to him and be still hurt over his death eight months later (disclaimer: not excusing), feel free to read.

To everyone else:


This is personal and was brought on by that Anti Ward post.

Do you ever scream in complete hopelesness and helplesness because you kind of wish you never watched this f*cking d*mn show - because then I could have stayed that naive and blisfully ignorant still?

Ten months ago I didn’t know a thing about victim blaming, rape apologists and double standards. Ten months ago I didn’t know a thing about “social justice” and “social justice warriors”. Ten months ago I didn’t know what “white cis male” meant and why it was an unforgivable crime to be born one.

I didn’t know that world was irreparably divided between “white” and “POC” - and Heaven forbid you dare to think otherwise. I didn’t know that world was even more irreparably divided between “men” and “women” - and Heaven forbid you dare to think that equality means, you know, equality.  (And if you think I’ve never been called names for my race, nationality, religion, gender and skin color, you’re wrong - I just never thought that all the people sharing the nation with the ones who offended me were the same. I have never thought in terms of “us” vs. “them” and no pursuit of social justice is going to convince me otherwise. I didn’t learn English language to be lectured about what and how I should believe in.)

In the last ten months I learned more than I wanted to know about abuse, brainwashing, cults, indoctrination and gaslighting.

I found out that humans can be capable of vicious bullying, tormenting and attacking all under the guise of having moral high ground. I found out that humans can be capable of not having even a shred of compassion, mercy or just plain any brains at all.

And no, having compassion is not equal to excusing, understanding is not equal to hand-waving the committed crimes, relating to someone is not equal to whitewashing the ugly and horrible things they do.

And yes. I relate to Grant Ward. No, not because I have suffered abuse or anything of the sort.

No, not because he’s hot and I’m silly fangirl ready to brush off everything bad he did. No, not because he’s a poor mistreated woobie and I’m a sucker for tragic sob stories™ and Freudian excuse™. No, not because he’s so misunderstood and I’m stupid to think that bad boys can be redeemed with Love™.

Have you ever had to admit that you are weak and you were wrong?

Have you ever felt shame and guilt - and known that a “sorry” can’t fix it?

Have you ever been so ashamed of yourself you couldn’t do something as simple as just apologize because the words were stuck in your throat and you wished you never existed?

Have you ever felt regret - and have to live knowing that you will not be forgiven and don’t have even a chance to try and apologize?

Have you ever went along with a peer pressure - and you despised yourself for that cowardice - and you were terrified when you asked yourself “what else am I capable of doing - in just the right circumstances and with just the right persuasion?”

Have you ever thought that 

you weren’t worth anything, that what you said or did didn’t have any meaning?

Have you ever felt hate? Not anger, not rage, not fury, hate? The one where you wanted everyone to suffer just so they would understand? The one where you wanted the whole world indiscriminately to burn? The one that left you unable to breathe, to sleep, to enjoy life because somewhere that person simply is?

Have you ever been despised and had people be disgusted with you? And you did what you could to turn their contempt into hate - because it was more bearable that way?

Have you ever despised yourself - but wished more than anything, wished despite knowing that you don’t deserve it that someone will be able to understand you? Not excuse, not forgive, just say “I understand”?

Have you ever hated yourself - for all of the above? Hated for even having this kind of thoughts, this kind of feelings? Because good people don’t have such thoughts, don’t have such feelings. Good people forgive, good people stay good no matter their hardships, good people always choose good, good people are above such behavior.

Have you ever been told to handle it, get a grip of yourself, you don’t even have an excuse of having trauma to be like that, you think you’ve suffered - don’t be ridiculous, it’s whiny little kid’s complains compared to what other people lived?

Sometimes I think I would have been better off have I not watched this stupid show. And haven’t found out that people can be so blind and self-righteous in their judgment and deciding who gets to be called good upstanding moral heroic people and who gets to be called Nazi apologists, rape apologists and generally horrible people who should be locked away from normal people.

My faith in humanity was destroyed then I’ve first read the anti SWW posts. I’m totally serious. I had a nervous breakdown and spent a month in a haze. Since then I had to rearrange my whole worldview and I’m sure I haven’t exactly succeeded.

*you can start laughing now*

Then again

at least one good thing came out of it. I met Grant.

And SWW. And I found out that I’m actually capable of forgiveness, that I’m capable of letting go of my decade-long grudges, that I’m capable of being who I am, that I’m capable of accepting myself, that I’m capable of forgiving myself for being human.

And it’s all because of him. You know, that Nazi thundercunt who died alone on an alien planet, died slowly and painfully and hated by everyone.

So, if liking Grant Ward makes me a horrible person, Nazi, misogynist, racist and whatever else it was, please, do continue thinking so, be my guest.

But you can’t make me feel ashamed for liking him, finding something worth respect in him, finding something worth in him, period.

I believe in Grant Ward.

And it doesn’t matter that he’s dead.