horrible bad jokes

4

I blame this entirely on the Didscord. This is YOUR FAULT. I hope you’re proud now.
So how long does Oikawa run around with that sign stuck to his back? :’D

I now present a joke SO BAD that you will never want to speak to me again.

The world’s first therapist actually lived in Ancient Egypt. His clients would come in and talk to him about all of their problems, people from all walks of life– scribes, merchants, priests, even the Pharaoh himself. The Pharoah’s appointment was from 1 to 2 every Wednesday, but he liked to talk so much that the appointment always ran over into his 2 PM client’s slot. The therapist didn’t mention it at first, because it WAS the Pharaoh, after all, the living incarnation of Ra, and he had no desire to be disrespectful, but after weeks stretched on, he politely told the Pharaoh that, while he didn’t want to interrupt him, he did tend to go over time. Fortunately, the Pharaoh was very understanding and said, “If I go over time by ten minutes, just let the next person in, even if I’m in the middle of a sentence.”

Sure enough, at his next appointment, the Pharaoh was in the middle of talking, when the next client knocked on the door and said politely, “Can I come in? Is someone in there?”

The therapist called back, “2:10! Come in!”

anonymous asked:

Can you please do a headcanons about you and Toms wedding and wedding night please :D

ahh oh my god!!!

(if ur not feminine i apologize because i wrote this with a bride in mind)

  • uhh it would be the prettiest wedding ever bye
  • like, simple and private for the most part, but just really ethereal i feel like
  • it would be outdoors don’t even fight me
  • sorry if u hate outdoor weddings but i can’t even imagine it inside tbh
    • it’d be in early spring so it was slightly cool/just the right weater to do it outside
    • you’d get married under the prettiest lil gazebo
    • the reception wouldn’t be too far away
  • simple white theme with some pastel thrown in so nothing overshadows the greenery outside too much
  • in fact the only thing that overshadows anything is u
  • tom texts you throughout the entire day about how much he wants to see you
    • “i don’t care if it’s bad luck i wanna see my angel”
    • “only another few hours, my love”
    • “too long :(”
  • he tries to get around the whole “seeing the bride before the wedding is bad luck” thing by facetiming you
  • you decline it, call him, and put him on speaker
    • everybody helping you get ready hears his dramatic, adorable whining
    • “this sucks!! after the wedding i hope you know im going to absolutely-”
    • “tom!! speaker phone!!!”
  • you’re both so goddamn nervous
    • but you can’t stop smling
  • you and tom agreed to keep the wedding lowkey, but he spoiled you as much as you would let him
    • dress, little add-ons, the hotel and honeymoon.. all as lavish as you would allow
      • “i want you to feel like a princess, because that’s what you are!!!”
  • when he finally sees you walking down the aisle, he bursts into tears
    • the officiator has to offer him a tissue
  • he immediately grabs your hands and whispers as quickly and as much as he can about how beautiful you look
    • “angelbabyprincess ohmygodicantbelievehowluckyiam”
  • he nearly kisses you as soon as he reaches you but catches himself
    • everybody laughs
  • you’re crying, too
  • him reaching forward to stroke your cheek!!!
    • “angel don’t cry im gonna cry even harder”
  • people pretend to gag but you’re both so in love that you don’t care
    • and everybody adores you two together anyway
  • he goes first with the vows because he just can’t wait to tell u how much he loves u!!!
    • “me first!!!”
  • they start out funny but by the time he finishes, there’s not a dry eye in the area
    • “i can’t top that you asshole” you joke, crying 
  • but yours are just as heartwarming
  • as soon as you’re allowed to kiss, it’s about the most dramatic wedding kiss ever
    • “easy there, tiger!!” - haz, probably
  • i feel like the guests would do the thing where they blow bubbles as the bride and groom walk together
    • super fun n cute
  • the reception is a mess of horrible dancing, bad jokes, and drunken kisses
  • the first dance is the something a bit more upbeat than a traditional wedding song 
    • something like “always” by panic! at the disco
    • srsly listen to it it’s so cute n nice
  • of course, the speeches from haz (best man) and your person of honor are nothing short of hilarious
  • tom’s usually good dancing is Ruined by the alcohol
    • even though he isn’t that drunk
  • the real fun happens back at the hotel
  • the ride to the hotel is cute and lovely enough
  • but once you’re in the hotel room
    • oh boy
    • he does nothing short of wreck you tbh
  • you have to remind him not to rip the dress off of you
    • partially because it’s your wedding dress but also because it makes him impatient
  • the amount of hickeys he leaves dear god
    • “mine”
  • “lemme hear you, princess”
  • and then after that u have the nicest lil bath ever
    • so many whispered i love you’s while he massages your shoulders
  • tom can’t stop touching your hands and your ring
    • “im so fucking lucky”
    • “me too, baby. trust me”
      • truly, you both are
  • you fall asleep absolutely tangled in each other’s arms and are nearly late for your flight the next morning but it’s okay because you get there anyway
  • i won’t get much into the honeymoon in this hc since it’s abt the wedding night but
    • it’s fucking gorgeous
    • probably greece or amsterdam tbh

this is just so nice to think abt fuck

i gotta be honest with you all i know i always act like “oh noooo this discourse is just terrible i hate it please end this” but that is all lies. in reality, i am disgusting and i love it. every time one of my mutuals puts some new delicious Discourse on my dash i rub my filthy hands together and lean back and feel like im being hand-fed grapes by that fat chef on a tropical island while these fools dance to entertain me

Taking a break from finals studying! I wrote this one shot where none of the Red Queen characters can get a jar open, and basically, everyone just slowly gets angrier and more annoyed.

Takes place sometime in the second half of King’s Cage at the Scarlet Guard camp. Enjoy!

A loud thud followed by a distraught “UGH” is what brought Mare into the kitchen that morning.

“Here Gis, I’ll do it,” she says, reaching for the jar that was in her sister’s hand.

Gisa shuts the sink off and lets out another huff. “I swear I’ve been trying to open this for twenty minutes.”

“Oh come on, now your just being dramatic,” she says with a smile.

“Mare calling someone else dramatic?” Kilorn says, walking into the room. “The irony…”

She fixes him with a glare and debated punching him for that. Before she could get violent, she gives the jar a twist and unknowingly started what would be an infamous story for years to come in the Scarlet Guard camp.

“Damn, that IS stuck!”

“Let me try,” the fish boy says.

“No just give me- a second- I almost-”

“Yeah, looks like it,” Kilorn says, laughing at her aggravated expression. “Give it to me.”

Mare scowls, but hands it to him with a sigh.

“All that training with Mr. Perfect Prince and- you can’t even- op- shit.” The lid didn’t budge.

“Ha ha,” she teases.

“Told you,” Gisa sighs.

“Give it to me let me try it ag-” Mare starts to say, but gets cut off by Kilorn.

Keep reading

All That Remains of Lance McClain

This is my sort-of-not-really-au based off of the game ‘What Remains of Edith Finch’ which is a hella creepy game I’ve been watching someone playthrough for a while now and its??? so??? good???? 

you can find more about this: here


Keep reading

2

Taeyang’s TERRIBLE joke when he fails to understand the reporter… (x

Wing-woman ( Jason Todd x Reader )

A/N : I have been watching way too much ‘How I Met Your Mother’ recently and this story is a little inspired by it. I also stayed up way too late writing this so it’s a beautifully horrible mixture of bad jokes and my tired brain, I really don’t know what it is, but it’s something. EnJoYyy.

Word Count : 1204

______________________________ 

It was a Friday night and as usual it was Jason’s one night off and the pair of you had gone out. Not in a date way, in fact quite the contrary. You were Jason’s wing-man or wing-woman, not to be confused with nightwing or batwing…man, you could really go from wings right now. Anywho it had become a tradition almost. For years you had helped Jason pick up women. It was not always a one night stand thing, in fact most of the few long term relationships he had were thanks to you.

“I ordered us some chicken!” you announced making your way over to Jason at the booth with two beers in hand, “So master of romance what is the game plan for this evening ?”.

Jason seemed a little dazed, you knew he had a rougher then usual week and he just cracked open a massive case but you were determined to ease him out of his miserable state and get him a little action.

“Hmm…oh yeah. Right…how about we just go for the usual ?” he droned.

“Jay ! get your head in the game, we can’t have you looking all forlorn !” you jabbed his shoulder, in a failed attempt to wake him up for his trance of boringness.

“Chics love the forlorn look, tell them my dog died or something” he smirked, rolling his eyes at you and your scheming.

“That’s the spirit !” you cheered, bolting out of your seat choosing your target. You spotted a girl at the back wearing the most fantastic gold heels you had ever seen. “Locked a loaded” you said, subtly moving your eyes to the girl so Jason got the hint. He just replied with a snarky thumbs up ,obviously unenthused by the idea.

You wandered up to the girl preparing exactly what you were going to say. You ‘accidently’ bumped into her on your way to ‘the bar’.

“Oh my god!-Oh sorry” she frantically apologized.

“Oh no problem at all, I was just on my way to get some drinks for me and my friend- and oh my god I love your shoes” you said with the cheesiest, fakest grin on your face.

“Oh thanks, I got them on sale, don’t tell anyone” she giggled.

“So are you here with anyone tonight ?” you asked with particular glee.

“I met up with a couple of friends earlier but they all left, there’s not much point of me leaving I am catching a bus home and it only comes every hour” she smiled.

“No way !, you should totally come sit with my friend Jason and I over there” you pointed out Jason. He waved at the two of you.

She peered at him, before turning back to you with a pouty face “he looks so sad-is he alright ?” the girl with the golden shoes asked, she probably would not be half as concerned for his well being if Jason was not so damn attractive.

You breathed in “Oh, he is fine. It’s just” you paused for a second to ‘recollect your thoughts’ “his dog just died” you looked to the ground and pushed a strand of hair behind your ear “you should go over and talked to him, he could really use all the support he can get at the moment” you said before skillfully adding in “your just his type too”.

She almost dived over to where you and Jason had decided to sit as you giggled and walked to get drinks for the group.

“300 points for slytherin-to your pants” you announced under your breath continuing to laugh at yourself.

___________________

Jason looked over at you as you gave him a thumbs up whilsts you mouthed something clearly unintelligent and unknown to him. In perfect time the girl who you had picked had shown up at the table and before you could get a word in she started talking.

“The girl over there talked to me and said that you just lost your dog and I know what the two of you are getting at, I am sure we could find a hotel not so far away from here and maybe figure somethi-” She said uncomfortably flirtily. His eyes winded at the pure bluntness before he interrupted

“Hey, I am sure your a nice and…uh…proficient girl but not matter what (Y/N) says I am not really looking for that right now” he confessed somewhat apologetically, if you even can be in that situation.

“Oh-uh-okay then-sorry-I shoul-” she picked up her bag and walked out the door of the bar. Whilst you came back to the seating arrangement with a very concerned look on your face.

“Uh-Jay?, what just happened” you raised an eyebrow

“It must have been something I said” he brushed his fingers through his perfectly knotted brunette hair, “It’s fine anyway, maybe it’s time for us to grow up”.

“Grow up Jason ?? we are in our twenties this is what life’s all about” you pounded your fist on the table theatrically to mark the end of your sentence. Jason just laughed at your painful dramaticness.

There was chemistry between the two of you and there always had been. It was something you just did not address. Of course other people would but you tended to ignore it. Though in more recent times Jason had maybe for the worse become slightly more aware of said chemistry than yourself and developed feelings. It was a now or never situation for the boy.

“Not for everyone (Y/N)…I found a that girl I really like”, this was when your whole mood changed from frustrated to all giddy and excited.

“OH MY GOD ! JASON ! why have you not told me this before, this is so exciting. Whats her name ? where does she work, does she have facebook ?” you continued question on top of question until Jason answered all with one simple statement.

“I don’t know why don’t you tell me ?”  for a second and a half he had the smuggest look on his face bathing in the smoothness of his phrase, that smug looked quickly turned into a look of fear as he waited for a response.

It took you a couple seconds to process what he had just said before responding perfectly with “I heard she has a great facebook page”. The two of you shared a warm fuzzy feeling that folks like yourselves don’t get very often you moved over to give him a hug.

“So- how’s next Friday and none of your scheming. It’s just us now” he said

You had to think about it for a little. It was weird, one of those things that only works in spontaneity. It was a lovely feeling but you could not deny you had unreviewed feelings for your friend and now it was out of the bag you most definitely would not mind looking into it.

“Sounds great !” your voice was muffled in his chest and you shot up a thumb of approval before smiling at him “I knew you had a crush on me” you teased at him, you mostly defiantly did not know he had a crush on you.

He just laughed and pulled you closer. 

transformers the last knight is…literally garbage