I now present a joke SO BAD that you will never want to speak to me again.
The world’s first therapist actually lived in Ancient Egypt. His clients would come in and talk to him about all of their problems, people from all walks of life– scribes, merchants, priests, even the Pharaoh himself. The Pharoah’s appointment was from 1 to 2 every Wednesday, but he liked to talk so much that the appointment always ran over into his 2 PM client’s slot. The therapist didn’t mention it at first, because it WAS the Pharaoh, after all, the living incarnation of Ra, and he had no desire to be disrespectful, but after weeks stretched on, he politely told the Pharaoh that, while he didn’t want to interrupt him, he did tend to go over time. Fortunately, the Pharaoh was very understanding and said, “If I go over time by ten minutes, just let the next person in, even if I’m in the middle of a sentence.”
Sure enough, at his next appointment, the Pharaoh was in the middle of talking, when the next client knocked on the door and said politely, “Can I come in? Is someone in there?”
i gotta be honest with you all i know i always act like “oh noooo this discourse is just terrible i hate it please end this” but that is all lies. in reality, i am disgusting and i love it. every time one of my mutuals puts some new delicious Discourse on my dash i rub my filthy hands together and lean back and feel like im being hand-fed grapes by that fat chef on a tropical island while these fools dance to entertain me
Taking a break from finals studying! I wrote this one shot where none of the Red Queen characters can get a jar open, and basically, everyone just slowly gets angrier and more annoyed.
Takes place sometime in the second half of King’s Cage at the Scarlet Guard camp. Enjoy!
A loud thud followed by a distraught “UGH” is what brought Mare into the kitchen that morning.
“Here Gis, I’ll do it,” she says, reaching for the jar that was in her sister’s hand.
Gisa shuts the sink off and lets out another huff. “I swear I’ve been trying to open this for twenty minutes.”
“Oh come on, now your just being dramatic,” she says with a smile.
“Mare calling someone else dramatic?” Kilorn says, walking into the room. “The irony…”
She fixes him with a glare and debated punching him for that. Before she could get violent, she gives the jar a twist and unknowingly started what would be an infamous story for years to come in the Scarlet Guard camp.
“Damn, that IS stuck!”
“Let me try,” the fish boy says.
“No just give me- a second- I almost-”
“Yeah, looks like it,” Kilorn says, laughing at her aggravated expression. “Give it to me.”
Mare scowls, but hands it to him with a sigh.
“All that training with Mr. Perfect Prince and- you can’t even- op- shit.” The lid didn’t budge.
“Ha ha,” she teases.
“Told you,” Gisa sighs.
“Give it to me let me try it ag-” Mare starts to say, but gets cut off by Kilorn.
A/N : I have been watching way too much ‘How I Met Your Mother’ recently and this story is a little inspired by it. I also stayed up way too late writing this so it’s a beautifully horrible mixture of bad jokes and my tired brain, I really don’t know what it is, but it’s something. EnJoYyy.
Word Count : 1204
It was a Friday night and as usual it was Jason’s one night off and the pair of you had gone out. Not in a date way, in fact quite the contrary. You were Jason’s wing-man or wing-woman, not to be confused with nightwing or batwing…man, you could really go from wings right now. Anywho it had become a tradition almost. For years you had helped Jason pick up women. It was not always a one night stand thing, in fact most of the few long term relationships he had were thanks to you.
“I ordered us some chicken!” you announced making your way over to Jason at the booth with two beers in hand, “So master of romance what is the game plan for this evening ?”.
Jason seemed a little dazed, you knew he had a rougher then usual week and he just cracked open a massive case but you were determined to ease him out of his miserable state and get him a little action.
“Hmm…oh yeah. Right…how about we just go for the usual ?” he droned.
“Jay ! get your head in the game, we can’t have you looking all forlorn !” you jabbed his shoulder, in a failed attempt to wake him up for his trance of boringness.
“Chics love the forlorn look, tell them my dog died or something” he smirked, rolling his eyes at you and your scheming.
“That’s the spirit !” you cheered, bolting out of your seat choosing your target. You spotted a girl at the back wearing the most fantastic gold heels you had ever seen. “Locked a loaded” you said, subtly moving your eyes to the girl so Jason got the hint. He just replied with a snarky thumbs up ,obviously unenthused by the idea.
You wandered up to the girl preparing exactly what you were going to say. You ‘accidently’ bumped into her on your way to ‘the bar’.
“Oh my god!-Oh sorry” she frantically apologized.
“Oh no problem at all, I was just on my way to get some drinks for me and my friend- and oh my god I love your shoes” you said with the cheesiest, fakest grin on your face.
“Oh thanks, I got them on sale, don’t tell anyone” she giggled.
“So are you here with anyone tonight ?” you asked with particular glee.
“I met up with a couple of friends earlier but they all left, there’s not much point of me leaving I am catching a bus home and it only comes every hour” she smiled.
“No way !, you should totally come sit with my friend Jason and I over there” you pointed out Jason. He waved at the two of you.
She peered at him, before turning back to you with a pouty face “he looks so sad-is he alright ?” the girl with the golden shoes asked, she probably would not be half as concerned for his well being if Jason was not so damn attractive.
You breathed in “Oh, he is fine. It’s just” you paused for a second to ‘recollect your thoughts’ “his dog just died” you looked to the ground and pushed a strand of hair behind your ear “you should go over and talked to him, he could really use all the support he can get at the moment” you said before skillfully adding in “your just his type too”.
She almost dived over to where you and Jason had decided to sit as you giggled and walked to get drinks for the group.
“300 points for slytherin-to your pants” you announced under your breath continuing to laugh at yourself.
Jason looked over at you as you gave him a thumbs up whilsts you mouthed something clearly unintelligent and unknown to him. In perfect time the girl who you had picked had shown up at the table and before you could get a word in she started talking.
“The girl over there talked to me and said that you just lost your dog and I know what the two of you are getting at, I am sure we could find a hotel not so far away from here and maybe figure somethi-” She said uncomfortably flirtily. His eyes winded at the pure bluntness before he interrupted
“Hey, I am sure your a nice and…uh…proficient girl but not matter what (Y/N) says I am not really looking for that right now” he confessed somewhat apologetically, if you even can be in that situation.
“Oh-uh-okay then-sorry-I shoul-” she picked up her bag and walked out the door of the bar. Whilst you came back to the seating arrangement with a very concerned look on your face.
“Uh-Jay?, what just happened” you raised an eyebrow
“It must have been something I said” he brushed his fingers through his perfectly knotted brunette hair, “It’s fine anyway, maybe it’s time for us to grow up”.
“Grow up Jason ?? we are in our twenties this is what life’s all about” you pounded your fist on the table theatrically to mark the end of your sentence. Jason just laughed at your painful dramaticness.
There was chemistry between the two of you and there always had been. It was something you just did not address. Of course other people would but you tended to ignore it. Though in more recent times Jason had maybe for the worse become slightly more aware of said chemistry than yourself and developed feelings. It was a now or never situation for the boy.
“Not for everyone (Y/N)…I found a that girl I really like”, this was when your whole mood changed from frustrated to all giddy and excited.
“OH MY GOD ! JASON ! why have you not told me this before, this is so exciting. Whats her name ? where does she work, does she have facebook ?” you continued question on top of question until Jason answered all with one simple statement.
“I don’t know why don’t you tell me ?” for a second and a half he had the smuggest look on his face bathing in the smoothness of his phrase, that smug looked quickly turned into a look of fear as he waited for a response.
It took you a couple seconds to process what he had just said before responding perfectly with “I heard she has a great facebook page”. The two of you shared a warm fuzzy feeling that folks like yourselves don’t get very often you moved over to give him a hug.
“So- how’s next Friday and none of your scheming. It’s just us now” he said
You had to think about it for a little. It was weird, one of those things that only works in spontaneity. It was a lovely feeling but you could not deny you had unreviewed feelings for your friend and now it was out of the bag you most definitely would not mind looking into it.
“Sounds great !” your voice was muffled in his chest and you shot up a thumb of approval before smiling at him “I knew you had a crush on me” you teased at him, you mostly defiantly did not know he had a crush on you.