horology

secrets about the signs

ig//horoscopezone

Aries: They actually have a really big soft spot for animals and always go out of their way to help them in need, especially with dogs. This bond with animals makes up for the lack of communication they have with humans. 

Taurus: People often underestimate their drive for their passions, and once they get really into something, they strive to be the best, often achieving their goal. However, their drive can leave them feeling isolated. 

Gemini: Even though they seem very wild and quick moving they also love to settle down and just have a long brunch with deep conversations. They’d always rather have company than have to be alone.

Cancer: Though on the outside they can put up a facade of being put together so they can tend to others needs, they can fall apart and really appreciate when someone takes the time and cares for them for once. 

Leo: Horoscopes usually portray them as extremely outgoing and energetic, however once in a while they need to be alone, as everything starts getting chaotic if they never take a break. They value this time, yet can leave them feeling alone.

Virgo: Wants to have fun more than people think they do. Yes, they can get caught up in their work or school, yet people conclude they don’t want to go to social events, which is actually vital for them to go to. 

Libra: Their need to have a relationship often gets in their way of self-reflection, as instead of spending time on their selves they throw themselves into trying to help and tend to other people. Yet, they recognize this and slowly become more independent. 

Scorpio: They have contradicting emotionally of wanting to become close to people, but also wanting to keep space as they wish to not get hurt. This can strain their relationships with people, yet once they let go and fully trust people they can experience pure happiness. 

Sagittarius: They want perfect love quickly, and when that doesn’t happen they begin to doubt themselves which makes them crave love even more. Breaking this cycle is vital for them, and as they mature they realize self love is what they need. 

Capricorn: Frequently, they want to follow social expectations and try to change themselves or their image to what they think people want to see. However, once they are truly themselves they find their true friends and are able to happy. 

Aquarius: Though they try to care for everyone, dark thoughts often haunt their mind, and finding the escape to this; wether it’s friends or family or an activity, helps them immensely and is extremely important. 

Pisces: Due to their world being hectic, they often find refuge in friends, yet have a hard time breaking down their barriers and sharing their raw emotions. Doing this will lead to an unbreakable bond.


Signs described in 2 words

Aries: Going places

Taurus: Food-Sexual

Gemini: Needs stability

Cancer: Mother Hen

Leo: Queen Af

Virgo: Likes Parfume

Libra: Party Pooper

Scorpio: Mysterious Door

Sagittarius: Serious Funny

Capricorn: Money Addict

Aquarius: No Homo

Pisces: Lovely Flower

Pastel Horoscopes 🍩🍰🍬✨💍 👑💎🍑

(among other vanities and ill suggestions)

♈  aries: blanched sea shells, worn away by time and water. fill the sink and slip them in. it is not enough, it does not return them. some things will love you but will not forgive you. 

♉  taurus: bubble baths. linger there. hot water becomes tepid, bubbles pop and disappear with parts of you. wallow and wither away if you must. those sorrows were a part of you, what will you do without them?

♊  gemini: when an eyelash comes out, place it in your palm, make a wish and blow it away with a kiss. tear another eyelash out. you have at least a hundred more wishes left, and you need to waste them all. 

♋  cancer: a perfect tea set, a small mound of sugar cubes. fill your tea with them, until it is so saturated it is like sludge. sip, sip, sip. still better than some things. 

♌  leo: music boxes, plink-plunking notes. the painted ballerina twirls around and round, spining endlessly for you amusement. over and over, again and again, you wind her back up and watch, for her amusement. 

♍  virgo: brush your hair a hundred times, and then once more. curl and straighten, curl and straighten. sit alone for hours after. look pretty for the ghosts in your home. you must devastate the things that haunt you.

♎  libra: what you need is a cozy room. fill the bed with blankets, string up fairy lights by the dozen, and then by the hundred! overload the outlet, burn the house down. nice and cozy now. all in the name of self care. 

♏ scorpio: sweet soft stars. bitter blue moon. sanguine silky sky. you really need to stop consuming the universe dear, leave some for the rest of us to enjoy. 

♐  sagittarius: smooth glowing skin, long fluttery eyelashes, plump lips, soft cheeks, you have it all. if only you were human, the things you’d be able to do with those. 

♑ capricorn: buy yourself roses. scatter the petals throughout the home. wear rose face masks, bathe in their scent and drink their blood in your tea. perhaps one day you will become one, and finally have their thorns.

♒ aquarius: satin and silk and lace. wear it, decorate your home with it, bundle yourself up at night with it, cocoon yourself from the world with it. let it turn you into something else, something unnerving. 

♓  pisces: honey combs with toast, with tea, with cookies. mellify your insides, slowly saturate yourself with the syrup. cough. it’s in your lungs now. is this how you become a queen?

The Signs as High School Teachers

Aries: Gym teacher who’s probably having an affair with one of the students?incredibly scary, hasn’t figured out how to use an inside voice. still hot though ;)

Taurus: will make you take your shoes off and sit in a circle with a candle in the middle. that one who gives tests that have absolutely fucking nothing to do with what you’ve been learning. unnecessarily angry if you’re 2 minutes late

Gemini: so fucking smart. just cant get it across to you in a way you understand. they’re really nice, but will probably spend 20 minutes telling you about their childhood growing beans in mexico DEFINITELY A SCIENCE TEACHER

Cancer: the kind of teacher who gives you print outs that are already trimmed down to size. probably gets walked all over by the students but loved by everyone

Leo: that one who needs to chill. constantly reminding you of how many days till exams and giving random tests and shit. screams MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL 5 times every lesson. reminds you you’ll fail regularly

Virgo: They’ve made you and 20 other students cry because your project was the wrong file type and not supported by their laptop. Lowkey want to cry everytime you look at them.

Libra: ohmyfuckinggod tears you fucking a p a r t . Encourages you to share your opinion just so they can rip you and your self worth to shreds in a “healthy debate”

Scorpio: that teacher you see like once a month. you constantly have supply for their lessons. probably is actually a really good teacher but is too busy going on school trips to ghana

Sagittarius: Has no lesson plan. Ever. And you always seem to finish working twenty minutes before the end of the lesson. Yet you somehow still end up getting As in their tests?? How? ! ??

Capricorn: their lessons are so boring. textbook work all of the time, and frequent tests. you probably do well, but you want to get hit by a car everytime you think about going to their class

Aquarius: CONDESCENDING. they never say anything but you feel like you’re being judged constantly. you give your opinion on a topic and they reply with an “okay” before inviting someone else to speak, who they KNOW will contradict you

Pisces: Manipulates you into doing extra work for something?? always asking you’re okay as well and recommending you speak to the school counsellor every lesson. genuinely cares about your mental health

The Signs On Monday 😶

ig//horoscopezone

Aries: Wait it’s monday?
Taurus: I’m out of emotions oh well.
Gemini: Ohhh boy it’s gonna be a long week.
Cancer: Someone h e l p me.
Leo: I’m sick and stressed and just done.
Virgo: I stopped caring 2 years ago.
Libra: If there’s no caffeine I’m out.
Scorpio: Don’t talk to me for another 5 days.
Sagittarius: Just…no.
Capricorn: Time to start procrastinating!
Aquarius: Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Pisces: What is even going on w/ my life.

:)

how to make the sings blush
  • Aries: cute compliments
  • Taurus: being flirted with
  • Gemini: Compliments in general
  • Cancer: being touched
  • Leo: being seen as a role model
  • Virgo: awkward moments
  • Libra: attention from their crush
  • Scorpio: making a gentle move
  • Sagittarius: compliment about their great personality
  • Capricorn: when someone notices their hard work
  • Pisces: talking about their crush/love life
The Signs as @wolfpupy tweets

@ TheSignsAs || IG

Aries - there are few things in life that can’t be achieved with occult dark magic

Taurus - my lights aren’t all on upstairs because i am saving energy, just doing my bit to help the planet, not that you’d know anything about that

Gemini - tired of trying to figure out how to solve problems? try simply ignoring them forever instead

Cancer - im 5 weeks old and i dont care about anything

Leo - yeah i looked both ways before crossing the street, i looked both ‘handsome’ and 'radiant’, too bad i got hit by that car

Virgo - in video games you can carry x99 of an item while in real life you can mostly carry not that many

Libra - life has never gone well for me but thats all about to change now that i have an idea for a new type of hair style

Scorpio - i am going to lay completely still on the forest floor until either things start going my way or i disintegrate into nothing

Sagittarius - once again i am not included in the list of the world’s most successful people because of my complete lack of success, bias at its finest.

Capricorn - thats cool. oh that wasn’t a response to what you said i was just noting that it’s cool that i wasn’t listening or caring

Aquarius - talking was invented when humans heard howling and decided to do that but with the beautiful and interesting qualities removed

Pisces - one of these days i will float up off into space and no one can stop me, not even gravity or nasa

What percentage dead are the signs? 💀

ig//horoscopezone

Aries: Honestly can’t even - 89%
Taurus: Eh - 45%
Gemini: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ - 33%
Cancer: Actually doing well - 10%
Leo: Honestly Kms - 110%
Virgo: What even am I - 99%
Libra: Like good? - 20%
Scorpio: Just 😤- 99.9%
Sagittarius: Dude bye - 120%
Capricorn: On-and off tbh - 40-60%
Aquarius: Deeeep breaths - 86%
Pisces: Why an I here - 77%

:)

Those of you who have listened to the amazing S-Town podcast may not know what John B. was a member of our parent organization, the National Association of Watch & Clock Collectors. In 1999, John B. placed this advertisement in one of our publications. We thought we would share this with all the S-Town fans out there who have come to know John B.

The Signs as Romeo and Juliet Characters

**slightly salty edition due to me writing an essay on this

Aries: Mercutio (enjoys provoking people for no fucking reason)

Taurus: Count Paris (can be presumptuous like no m8 we’re not married)

Gemini: The Nurse (v v chatty and inappropriate at times)

Cancer: Romeo (has courage of a wet tissue jUST sAYIN)

Leo: Capulet (random rages???? why??? can you not??)

Virgo: Juliet (shuts you out of their life if you two disagree on a tiny thing)

Libra: Rosaline (you never really see them but you hear things idk who are they)

Scorpio: Tybalt (weirdly fashionable but you’d never expect it)

Sagittarius: Lady Capulet (relies on others for pragmatic/moral support because they can’t even deal with e m o t i o n s)

Capricorn: Friar Lawrence (unwanted advice js and expert on herbs ??)

Aquarius: Prince Escalus (only ever appears if there’s a big ol’ fight because they love the drama rly)

Pisces: Benvolio (you never see it but actually has a huge temper because they’re so done with everyone)

Signs When They Have Crushes 💌

ig//horoscopezone

Aries: Has very up-down feelings with them, hides their feeling but their secretly very strong

Taurus: Seems calm about their crush but always freaking about it internally

Gemini: Most of the time makes the first move, confident, isn’t wierd about it

Cancer: Doodles about their crush, always super kind to them but obvious about it too

Leo: Tells everyone within the first day, falls hard and falls fast, has no chill about it.

Virgo: Has lowkey multiple crushes at once but their never really that big. Doesn’t do anything

Libra: Mostly if a person likes them they’ll like them back, never makes the first move, falls fast

Scorpio: Has a consistent crush but it always complicated, kinda wants a relationship

Sagittarius: People always like them, they rarely like them back, very picky but for a good reason

Capricorn: Always thinking about their crush but doesn’t want to make a move, very nonchalant

Aquarius: Gets themselves into really bad situations cause of it, the most complicated

Pisces: Doesn’t have crushes often always just chilling, down for shit but also not

:)