Hogwarts House

Gryffindor : Aries , Leo , Sagittarius

Slytherin : Cancer , Scorpio , Pisces

Ravenclaw : Gemini , Libra , Aquarius

Hufflepuff : Taurus , Virgo , Capricorn

7

By Patrick Dixon

It’s all Harry’s fault. Well, partially. I suppose Voldemort can be saddled with an equal portion of the blame. The point is, the Dursleys were just minding their own business when a horcrux was dumped on their doorstep. For the next decade it proceeded to warp their minds, turning them from your garden variety insufferable human beings into horrible, heartless monsters. The fact that they survived such prolonged horcrux exposure without delving into insanity or abandoning a helpless child only solidifies their place among the pantheon of noble and virtuous heroes in the Harry Potter universe.


*Mic drop*


*****

*Pics up mic, taps gently*

Feedback on this post has been better than I had hoped, and I want to thank all the people who have purveyed and debated this theory. Some of you love it, some of you hate it, but you’re all talking about it and that’s pretty cool. 

There have been a few complaints, however, that the above description comes across as insensitive, and strongly promotes abuse apologism. I have addressed a few of you personally on the matter, but I feel this is an opportune time to reach out to anyone else who might’ve taken offense to my commentary.

Allow me to state for the record that the above description was intended to be read as satire. I do not honestly believe Harry is responsible for the abuse he suffered, nor do I seriously consider the Dursleys to be noble and virtuous heroes. No child is to blame for any form of abuse they suffer.

It was never my intention to bring emotional distress upon anyone, and I apologize to all who were offended by my comments.

Thank you, and Happy Tumbling. :)

Things pointed out to me about Harry Potter

* when Harry sees his parents in the Mirror of Erised, his parents look older then they should. Both Lily and James were 19 when they died. But what if they didn’t die? They would be in their early thirties when Harry goes off to Hogwarts. So he’s picturing them as old as they would be if were alive

* Peter Pettigrew spent the most time with Harry out of all the Marauders. James just had over a year with his son before he died, Remus had the few times he saw Harry before James and Lily were murdered, plus the small amount of time during holidays during 5th year, and Bill’s wedding, Sirius got less time. He got almost the same as Remus but died at the end of Harry’s 5th year. Peter FUCKING Pettigrew spent nearly three years as a rat with Ron and Harry!

* The Dursleys get a lot of shit for how they treated Harry. But think about it. Harry is a Horcrux, a part of Vodlemort’s soul is inside of him! We know how being around a Horcrux can effect how a person acts. The Dursleys had to live with it for ten years.

* Why did the Demeanors attack Harry during the Quidittch match? Again, the Horcrux. Harry had a piece of another fucking soul inside of him! Of course that would draw them in!

* Remus is born March 1960, the same month as a lunar eclipse. His name means Werewolf McWerewolf, his mother’s main name is Howell, the werewolf that bit him was names after the Norse wolf God, his patronus is a wolf, boggart a full moon. Can you imagine all the werewolf related puns the Maruaders would have made because of it?!

* Neville is amazing. He’s an introvert but still a Gryffindor. In my eyes, he’s one of the bravest Gryffindors. His boggart is Snape. Let that sink in for a moment. His worst fear is a Professor he has to deal with on a daily basis! But still, he does it anyway. 

* the difference between James and Severus’s feeling for Lily are simply explained by their Patronus. Soulmates Patronuses are said to mirror each other. James is a stag. Severus is a doe, like Lily’s. James= true love. Severus= obsession.

Why do people think helga is the sweet one of the founders when she’s obviously the sassy queen with a resting bitch face? Everything she does and says is literal shade.
Godric comes in with his usual chivalrous smile “Oh look it’s the Knight with a sword up his ass. Nobody’s in danger G, go back to sleep.”

Salazar plans to have his house to be the hard faced thick skinned snakes, “Do you not still sleep with the blanket your mother gave you as a child, oh fearful one?”

Helga hufflepuff being a BAMF nobody wants to fuck with without having to try. I heard her shades literally block the sun for days.

8

make me choose: @colorfulcass asked Horcruxes or Hallows?

“A Horcrux is the word used for an object in which a person has concealed part of their soul… Well, you split your soul, you see, and hide part of it in an object outside the body. Then, even if one’s body is attacked or destroyed, one cannot die, for part of the soul remains earthbound and undamaged.”