9:30pm driving with Pink Floyd blaring out the anthem of the months to come.
‘wish you were here’ a hum of emotion,
floating around each other like mirror images of the same ghost.
we learned and grew through our mistakes knowing certain people,
we’ve felt the difference that changes bring to our lives.
and do you think you can tell that
as I swim carelessly through the humidity of Texas heat,
that I am completely in love with you.
12:21pm and Brandon Flowers is telling us that being still is okay.
we weave through traffic,
blazing sun and
blazing bruises planted on necks and shoulders and thighs and-
I hear him tell me about what makes up a person;
being born in the heat of destruction.
I’ve destroyed myself time and time again for partners who
wouldn’t knock over a sand castle.
I rewind my time,
try to be still in that moment while Dallas passes by me.
'Dani California’ is a steady thrum in my heart at 11:34 am,
I am alive and wild and free in this moment.
I am a shotgun shell blown fast and loose out of the barrel,
I am sweet kisses in bed when the rest of the world has gone to sleep
(or I think of it this way since I’ve never realized I could love the silence)
we bear our teeth at each other,
restless and hungry for love,
our sex is a religion I will carelessly throw myself into.
it always starts out the same.
our love is a perfume that hangs thick in the air;
so heavy that all those around us can smell it.
Coldplay nurses my aching wounds with 'green eyes’
reminding me that I shouldn’t be so easy in throwing away my own.
out of the corner of my eye,
I watch you fix your own gaze at me,
searing and impossible mournful.
I bear the sorrow of a thousand life times,
like when a red string tied between destined hearts,
is finally broken.
what I mean to say is that,
despite the weight,
I have never felt more able to fly.
it always starts the same.
songs heard on radios become your guide and savior,
your release and your binding.
we are broken records hung on walls and listened to by others,
we are flipping channels and changing stations,
we are lyrics and songs that were so beautiful,
the gods couldn’t bear to have them in proximity to
Just imagine the look on Maya's face when she and Riley finally get to be together
Think about how happy our lil pup is gonna be, think about how she’s going to smile bigger and brighter than ever before, think about how she’s finally going to be able to look at her lil bunny farmer in a new, incredible way
Think about that and let it give you hope for our ship
Here I am. I’m at this point where I have to own up that I’m lost. I don’t know where I’m at in my life or where to go next. I’m stuck. And I’ve been in and out of this rut for weeks and lost on an unknown path for months.
I’ve been physically lost before and I can’t tell you how frightened I was when my GPS told me to go down a creepy road towards the local lake I was trying to find. Um?? This isn’t the road I’m supposed to be on? How’d I get here? So I turned around in a church parking lot and went another direction. I needed to find the main road which where I was supposed to be, a road I was so familiar with. I looked at my GPS one last time and recognized the name of the road and saw all the roads that could get me to THAT ROAD. Again I got lost and stayed right when I should have gone left. At this point, I was at the tip of the lake. At least 15 minutes longer and farther from where I am supposed to be. Why? I just wanted to take a nice walk on the trail around the lake and listen to my music. Instead when I found the entrance on the main road, I turned too soon and ended up at the destination I wanted to walk to. Slightly bummed, I realized it made up for lost time and I took myself and my drawstring back with books, plopped myself down on a bench and read.
I’ve never been lost before until the moment a few days ago. But as I sit here reminiscing, I find myself thinking about God and where he’s at in the midst of the chaos of being lost. After some thought, I realized he’s the main road. He’s the road I need to be on to get me where I’m going. Except I don’t have a dumb GPS to get me lost…it’s just me.
The dumb GPS represents the world and the routes it wants you to take to find happiness and love and peace…except by relying on only the GPS, you risk getting lost because of how unfamiliar everything is. If you had looked right in front of you and followed the signs right there and TRUSTED them to get you to the main road, you would have found it.
Here I am, just realizing all of this now at nearly one in the morning. I can’t trust this world to lead me to happiness, because it’s false happiness and love. And the love they try to offer is just lust and desire, and though I struggle with that, I’m still trying to find God in the midst. The main road takes me where I’m going and that’s exactly what God is doing, I just have to find and meet him there. I may get lost on the way, but I would rather get lost finding God than get lost following the world.