honesty-poem

Dear little Giovanni Farin Espinueva,

You love art, don’t suppress it. Everyday you come back from elementary school, Uncle Fred is going to tell you to write a poem and draw an intricate image before you go to bed. Don’t suppress your love from art. You are going to love all kinds of music, rock from your Uncle Daryl and Uncle Fred, Hip hop from your Aunty Lorna and Uncle Fred, Oldies from your Grandparents, and all the between from your friends. Don’t suppress your love of art.

You, little Gio, are something else….You…You may not know it, but you have an m16 as a tongue using the bullets as ammunition stored in the deepest inventories of your heart, you, Gio, are something else. A wordsmith in the making, using your vocal cords turn into jumper cables, to be the very voice of an empire. You are a strong little man. Live your life, live your life as a little kid, don’t worry about anything that happens, you’ll regret growing up too fast, there will be a time when you have to, now is not the time.  

Your mom passes away at the age of 10. Do NOT suppress your love of art. You are strong, yet you lose yourself, why? You become insecure, you become stronger to hold in emotions, but down to the core, your no weaker then a rotten pencil from the tears gathered upon the page of your next poem. You are a giant in child’s clothes, no one knows  your capabilities. You’re heart tends to be a boomerang, being flung from your body still mourning on the loss of your mother, stay strong little man, it gets easier. You’re the lantern from your mother’s smile, her love engraved on your DNA still shine’s brighter then anyone else in your life. Remember what she sounds like, remember what her warm hugs felt like, remember her smile especially, they will kill you once you forget. 

You get to middle school, your behavior is still a problem. You have never heard from your dad since you were 8. You start to rebel more. You care too much about your image. Stop it. You won’t stop until you’re around freshman to sophmore year. 8th grade, you are doing so well in school, making everyone proud in your family. Too bad you’ll suck at it later on. You still feel out of place, you feel like you have no friends, this is the time where you get hardcore into gaming, your a nerd, trust me it’s okay, you can still get girlfriends….hahaha. Don’t even worry about girls, yet you get your first real girlfriend in 8th grade. You learn a lot from it, you learn how it feels like and you actually last for a year and a half. Her name is Laverne, she’s really nice, remember to stay friends after, you make mistakes, a lot of them, and even after you deny that your pride is what messed up the relationship a lot. Your pride will ruin your second love. 

Gio, you’re going into high school, the journey to finding yourself, to find out who you are, what you want to do with your life, and what your purpose is. You will stray away from God, but your bond will grow back twice as strong. You still feel out of place, you feel as if you are wearing a costume wherever you go just to fit in, you don’t even know what the costume is or who you are. Before the start of freshman year, you will encounter something great. They will impact your life like no other, you will find yourself through them, and you will find your friends. This is when you join Studio 429. You make it into one of their team called Tru-Definition. This is the beginning on how you really grow up. This is the same time where you also be exposed to drinking and smoking a lot more. Don’t be afraid, you learn your mistakes from those, but also better to experience them now. It helps you become wiser. Later you make it ALL THE WAY to breakthrough.

Sadly, you fall in love again…hahaha. I mean it’s not a bad thing, well it’s good and bad. But, you will meet a girl who will grab you by the lungs, and she will be the very first girl to REALLY take your breath away. You will learn as much or even more from this relationship then the last. Your pride is still held up high, you should take it down. You don’t. This will ruin your entire relationship. You should have supported her through the things she did for you and constantly help her achieve her goals, she is passionate about photography, you should have helped push her. You will love this girl with all your heart, she was probably one of the best friends you have ever had. You fucked up hahaha. It’s okay though, shit happens. She will eventually become the postcard of love to you, you’ll send it away with your heart to the lands of not giving a fuck. You will a grow another heart, one that has stronger walls, higher standards, and a new outlook on how to treat a woman right. Now don’t get me wrong, you still fuck up after the break up, you become insecure more, you still love her. But after all that, you truly start to realize who you are. You find out who is always there for you, and you find out how strong you can become. You guys eventually become friends again hahaha. You thank her for helping you learn. She shattered your pride and self esteem making you fall on them, cutting reminders into the hands that assisted in building the relationship in the first place. Those scars will be reminders. Her name was Chantal, she’s VERY kind.

BTW, one year dancing, your team gets 2nd in the U.S. and 11th in the world, the year after that you get 3rd in the U.S. and 6th in the world. your mom and dad would be proud. 

You are now near present day. You find your closest friends, you find out more about God, you knew of God, but you never really KNEW God. He, our Lord, will guide you to your dreams, he will feed your ambitions from the very light of heaven. He will give you what your purpose on this world is. You finally know who you are and you are proud of it.

There are a lot of things in your family happening. It’s time to become a man. You’re uncle got married last year, your other uncle might move out later, your grandparents are getting old, and you need to launch your empire. Your dad goes to jail again, sending a letter of motivation. You’re always learning how to become a better gentleman and to just become a man in general. You have to stop dancing for Studio 429. It’s to expensive, you must use your money and time to invest it into a bigger passion, into your empire. Dont’ stop dancing, just train, once you make your thousands of dollars in just one month, you can go back. You’re scared of losing your friends, it;s okay, we’ll see what happens. Also, you are constantly told that you are a fuck up from parents that were fuck ups. Prove everyone wrong. Fuck everyone that doubts you.

Hi me, It’s present, you are the billboard of awkward yet confident. Go chase your dreams.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. continue to stay true to yourself, never become cocky. stay humble. right now you fucking love Odd Future. hahaha. Remember to love your Uncle Fred and Aunty Lorna a lot, they love you so much, they are your parental figures, they helped you become who you are now. It’s hard for you to find a decent girl in your life, don’t get distracted by them. chase your goals.

I would like to ask you out. “Yes.” But not romantically—you’re still not available, and I’m not sure. I was wounded, and while I’ve soaked and healed and cried and talked and dated…I’m a hardened young man, now, and no longer all so very young. I am not scarred: I am not scared of failure. But I am beaten, beaten, beaten like a sword in the fire. And as the smoke of karma has dispersed, I find that for the first time in my love life, sex is not a goal. Like a confettied champagne-soaked tickertape parade at the end of a great victory, I know it’ll come with, if the rest happens.

you took the softest pores

in my skin

and planted poison

with your bare hands

you told me this was making love

and I believed you because I was falling

and you said you were falling

too

for 2 years I practiced catching you

and

for 2 years you practiced lying to 2 different women

1 is not the loneliest number

no.

the loneliest number is 3

To her, a memorandum

When your life is so harsh,
That your days turn blue
I only want you to know
That I’m here for you.

If you’re standing somewhere ,
In a lonely coal black night
Just take my hand then
I’ll lead you to the light.

When your heart feels hollow
I’ll give you mine to borrow
But stop yourself from feeling
That agonizing sorrow.

Perhaps you don’t acknowledge,
How much I actually care-
About those times that we share
That letting go I wouldn’t dare.

I could send a bouquet of tulips,
But it doesn’t express how my heart rips
As I read the distress in your eyes
And your innocence revives in me.

Over and over I relive our memories;
Warming my soul through daydreams;
Skipping through pages of our friendship;
Wondering, what’s coming next?!

N.A

honesty

Honesty is a barren trait of the innocent, unaware, precious gems that we need to protect with our lives because they don’t deserve to understand the anchored weights of lies, laying us flat on a torture table, stretching our arms and feet;

But still we keep lying.

Are you okay?

I’m fine.

But how many people have actually asked you if okay is a word in your vocabulary and the mask you wear so well isn’t real.

Will we ever grow old of dress up?

Will we actually notice the broken smiles of people who’ve been walking for a hundred miles,

The unperceivable reality of how our society is dragging us down.

Watchful eyes of ten thousand beasts

Attacking our confidence,

Leaving us to believe the lies,

I’m fine. 

please do not fall in love with me, 
i cannot take the weight. 
already my body is so weakened by the unprecedented lies 
that men have fed into my mouth from theirs
in the hope that it might keep me quiet for a while.
i cannot take another lie,
or worse,
i cannot take your honesty.
honesty is so much heavier, i think, than lies
and i am already too familiar with this burden.

i can handle your moans
and i can handle your mania
but do not give me love 
for i am a vase pierced will bullet holes 
bleeding water all over the table top; 
feed me any roses 
and i know that they will die. 

i do not want to hurt you, boy. 
i do not want to hurt me.

SPARK

to any love


your laugh carries

more than just

a message


the signal ripples

crashes like a

wave


the happiness

pours out

your mouth


and i have

you for that

moment


away from

any thoughts

that murk


in your eyes

i see your

hope


that’s what a

laugh is

my love


it’s happiness

it’s present

it’s honesty


and i crave

it like i crave

you


your laugh

its melody

is my home

6

You are not all that I breath, live, and dream about. You are much more than that to me. You are the string that keeps me safe from myself. I want to save you from myself, and I want to save you from yourself. Because two shattered souls like ours deserve to heal through love and care.

Well the feet that fits so comfortably on your shoulder
are the same ones thats gonna stand my ground
with all the muscle that your building
you must be strong enough to lift your standard make
me wanna hang around
So baby tell me what this is
beyond the hugs and kisses
why you gotta turn my smile upside down
you use to say the amont of blessins
now you say I PMSing
so i guess there aint no point hanging round 
Admitted omissions - 7.25.15

I’ll sleep off yesterday 

so that I can finally breathe

without this weight on my chest

I’ve been doing things all wrong

mislabeled and improperly titled 

But where reality exists 

I am an amnesiac 

Never recalling lessons 

I have many times before learned 

And in the direction which my eyes fall

I am colorblind 

to all of the pretty shades of pain 

the details I never fully view 

Unwittingly, I can’t forgive myself 

Though I’ll neglect to mention 

all of my unsatisfying cliches 

Soul nearly comatose 

dried up of impulse 

Blood covered feet 

tired of running 

So here, and now,  

all of my unspoken secrets 

I display  

R.on

| right now |

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What Is Love

Once written on the chalkboard, the teacher wrote “What is love?”
One kid said “Love is what makes your heart beat”
Another one said “Love makes your heart all fuzzy, it makes you blush”
I simply raised my hand, stating “Love is evil”
The kids just stared at me, and the teacher asked why
“Because you could love a person who does not love you back”
The kid who said love makes your heart beat asked me why
“Your heart tends to latch onto what it wants, without thinking of the consequences.”
The students asked why again
“Because,” I looked around the class slowly, “You just fall in love with people. That’s how we are wired, we are wired to love. But not all people are wired to love us back”