honesty-poem

You told me to take what I want.
Isn’t it admirable, you said, isn’t
it admirable when a girl isn’t
scared. So I tried: I want you,
even if it’s not smart, I want to
cry anytime I feel sad and not
apologize for it. I want to stop
acting strong when I don’t feel it.
And I knew living honest might
mean losing people I loved but i
never thought it would be you.
—  Rebeka Anne, bold and alone
Dear little Giovanni Farin Espinueva,

You love art, don’t suppress it. Everyday you come back from elementary school, Uncle Fred is going to tell you to write a poem and draw an intricate image before you go to bed. Don’t suppress your love from art. You are going to love all kinds of music, rock from your Uncle Daryl and Uncle Fred, Hip hop from your Aunty Lorna and Uncle Fred, Oldies from your Grandparents, and all the between from your friends. Don’t suppress your love of art.

You, little Gio, are something else….You…You may not know it, but you have an m16 as a tongue using the bullets as ammunition stored in the deepest inventories of your heart, you, Gio, are something else. A wordsmith in the making, using your vocal cords turn into jumper cables, to be the very voice of an empire. You are a strong little man. Live your life, live your life as a little kid, don’t worry about anything that happens, you’ll regret growing up too fast, there will be a time when you have to, now is not the time.  

Your mom passes away at the age of 10. Do NOT suppress your love of art. You are strong, yet you lose yourself, why? You become insecure, you become stronger to hold in emotions, but down to the core, your no weaker then a rotten pencil from the tears gathered upon the page of your next poem. You are a giant in child’s clothes, no one knows  your capabilities. You’re heart tends to be a boomerang, being flung from your body still mourning on the loss of your mother, stay strong little man, it gets easier. You’re the lantern from your mother’s smile, her love engraved on your DNA still shine’s brighter then anyone else in your life. Remember what she sounds like, remember what her warm hugs felt like, remember her smile especially, they will kill you once you forget. 

You get to middle school, your behavior is still a problem. You have never heard from your dad since you were 8. You start to rebel more. You care too much about your image. Stop it. You won’t stop until you’re around freshman to sophmore year. 8th grade, you are doing so well in school, making everyone proud in your family. Too bad you’ll suck at it later on. You still feel out of place, you feel like you have no friends, this is the time where you get hardcore into gaming, your a nerd, trust me it’s okay, you can still get girlfriends….hahaha. Don’t even worry about girls, yet you get your first real girlfriend in 8th grade. You learn a lot from it, you learn how it feels like and you actually last for a year and a half. Her name is Laverne, she’s really nice, remember to stay friends after, you make mistakes, a lot of them, and even after you deny that your pride is what messed up the relationship a lot. Your pride will ruin your second love. 

Gio, you’re going into high school, the journey to finding yourself, to find out who you are, what you want to do with your life, and what your purpose is. You will stray away from God, but your bond will grow back twice as strong. You still feel out of place, you feel as if you are wearing a costume wherever you go just to fit in, you don’t even know what the costume is or who you are. Before the start of freshman year, you will encounter something great. They will impact your life like no other, you will find yourself through them, and you will find your friends. This is when you join Studio 429. You make it into one of their team called Tru-Definition. This is the beginning on how you really grow up. This is the same time where you also be exposed to drinking and smoking a lot more. Don’t be afraid, you learn your mistakes from those, but also better to experience them now. It helps you become wiser. Later you make it ALL THE WAY to breakthrough.

Sadly, you fall in love again…hahaha. I mean it’s not a bad thing, well it’s good and bad. But, you will meet a girl who will grab you by the lungs, and she will be the very first girl to REALLY take your breath away. You will learn as much or even more from this relationship then the last. Your pride is still held up high, you should take it down. You don’t. This will ruin your entire relationship. You should have supported her through the things she did for you and constantly help her achieve her goals, she is passionate about photography, you should have helped push her. You will love this girl with all your heart, she was probably one of the best friends you have ever had. You fucked up hahaha. It’s okay though, shit happens. She will eventually become the postcard of love to you, you’ll send it away with your heart to the lands of not giving a fuck. You will a grow another heart, one that has stronger walls, higher standards, and a new outlook on how to treat a woman right. Now don’t get me wrong, you still fuck up after the break up, you become insecure more, you still love her. But after all that, you truly start to realize who you are. You find out who is always there for you, and you find out how strong you can become. You guys eventually become friends again hahaha. You thank her for helping you learn. She shattered your pride and self esteem making you fall on them, cutting reminders into the hands that assisted in building the relationship in the first place. Those scars will be reminders. Her name was Chantal, she’s VERY kind.

BTW, one year dancing, your team gets 2nd in the U.S. and 11th in the world, the year after that you get 3rd in the U.S. and 6th in the world. your mom and dad would be proud. 

You are now near present day. You find your closest friends, you find out more about God, you knew of God, but you never really KNEW God. He, our Lord, will guide you to your dreams, he will feed your ambitions from the very light of heaven. He will give you what your purpose on this world is. You finally know who you are and you are proud of it.

There are a lot of things in your family happening. It’s time to become a man. You’re uncle got married last year, your other uncle might move out later, your grandparents are getting old, and you need to launch your empire. Your dad goes to jail again, sending a letter of motivation. You’re always learning how to become a better gentleman and to just become a man in general. You have to stop dancing for Studio 429. It’s to expensive, you must use your money and time to invest it into a bigger passion, into your empire. Dont’ stop dancing, just train, once you make your thousands of dollars in just one month, you can go back. You’re scared of losing your friends, it;s okay, we’ll see what happens. Also, you are constantly told that you are a fuck up from parents that were fuck ups. Prove everyone wrong. Fuck everyone that doubts you.

Hi me, It’s present, you are the billboard of awkward yet confident. Go chase your dreams.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. continue to stay true to yourself, never become cocky. stay humble. right now you fucking love Odd Future. hahaha. Remember to love your Uncle Fred and Aunty Lorna a lot, they love you so much, they are your parental figures, they helped you become who you are now. It’s hard for you to find a decent girl in your life, don’t get distracted by them. chase your goals.

I am afraid of the intensity of the emptiness I feel. It shakes my bones to the point where everything is tethering the line between being a whole and being pieces of what it once was collapsed on the floor. I want to find myself and happiness and peace but I don’t know where any of those things are, or what any of them mean. I long for a time were I can feel at ease.
—  (d.h.)

I felt bad for the first few minutes when you looked so sad. But then I remembered when I felt so sad too. That was when I was with you.
 I felt bad for the first day after I’d started to give you the cold shoulder, but that’s the thing about me which you’d know if you wanted to really know me.
 When I want out, my mind escapes first. My soul is already free… I felt the sky touching my wings. And I was preparing to tell you as much after I’d made enough distance. So it wouldn’t be much of a shock. I just didn’t expect things to hurt you so much.
 That awful pain in your eyes was almost enough to keep me there, with you. You should know it wasn’t easy, because I had to remember everything that displeased me.
 I was gonna feel bad about dressing very sharply the next time I saw you, but then I remembered you wouldn’t notice either way. You never in 6 months have complimented me. Even though I complimented you.
 I tried to make you feel the type of wanted that I wanted to be wanted with. I tried to make you into what I wanted. I guess it was greed…. Because I tried to do it without changing you. 
 I won’t ever forget you saying “ I’m my own person!” Declaring that you didn’t need to sit next to me. I remember that affirmation always, I should have ended it that day…. 
 Or that day when I wanted to have a conversation with you, a deep one… And you were talking to her. You cut me off. You ignored me. I should have broke it off that day. But I let my imagination get in the way.
 I was trying for so long, after the 4 month to say… I think we should fix this. That I tried to. So hard…I was so invested in you. Until recently I found that I’d rather be all alone again now. In sixth months I don’t think you ever made me smile.
How dare you be sad and walk slowly away staring off into the distance as if your own heart breaks. When you broke my heart by not being mine until I stopped being yours.

It’s too late for you now though , I already decided to be happy as my own person too.

—  Sincerely, I can’t miss what I never had.
Pride aside

How the fuck are we so perfect
Yet so pathetic
Bullshit aside
Coming from a different perspective 
Imagine what life would be like 
Without one another 
At each others side
I don’t even want to think about it 
To be real
The good outweighs the bad
So why are we so quick to give it up
So quick to chuck the deuce up 
& quit looking back
Acting like it’s what we really want
Blinded by our pride
Why do we feel the need to always be right
Knowing we’re worth the fight

Honest

This is the poem you’ll never read.

The one I can be honest in.

Maybe love isn’t meant to be honest.

Maybe the more you love someone,

The less you love yourself.

It burns away at your soul

Like incense.

You are the fire.

You eat my body.

Whatever remained of me dances,

Grey smoke between the cold embrace

Of your dead hands,

But,

Never hope of true romancing.

Maybe love isn’t meant to be honest.

Maybe it’s meant to be felt.

Like betrayal,

Or pain.

Maybe you broke me.

And my fragile pieces cut you,

Sharp words

On soft hearts

Like glass.

Maybe love wasn’t meant to be honest.

Maybe trust was.

-I think trust was.

Was I ever honest with you?

It’s true.

You have suffered too much
at the hands of others.

They forced your body to fit
into shapes your mind wasn’t
made for.

But this isn’t then.

And the only one
holding you down these days,
is yourself.

— 

“To Yourself With Love”

31/365 • © K.V.

Writing From The Ashes series

She is not the cure

He looked at her like the cure

but she was another vile of poison

poured into his drink

when he wasn’t looking.

He looked at her like the cure

but she would not be the girl

lead into the back garden

by the boy she just met at the party.

He looked at her like the cure

but she was just another heartbreaker

searching for her next victim.

(Hint: it’s you).

He looked at her like the cure

but she was just another disease.

A pathogen making its way into your lungs,

a cold you can’t shake all winter.

He looked at her like the cure

but all he really needed was time.

honesty

Honesty is a barren trait of the innocent, unaware, precious gems that we need to protect with our lives because they don’t deserve to understand the anchored weights of lies, laying us flat on a torture table, stretching our arms and feet;

But still we keep lying.

Are you okay?

I’m fine.

But how many people have actually asked you if okay is a word in your vocabulary and the mask you wear so well isn’t real.

Will we ever grow old of dress up?

Will we actually notice the broken smiles of people who’ve been walking for a hundred miles,

The unperceivable reality of how our society is dragging us down.

Watchful eyes of ten thousand beasts

Attacking our confidence,

Leaving us to believe the lies,

I’m fine. 

The Hopeful Hopeless

How odd of a thing
That I follow this wish
A sad hollow thing

It seems like a distant shell of a thing
I know it’ll disappoint me in the end
But I chase it anyway

It falls often
Cracks all down the side
It’s empty

How odd of a thing
That I follow this wish
As it leaves me

Hopeful
While hopeless
Simple paradox

The things that give the most hope
Are so often
The things that take it from you

Why Is It That?

Why is it that speed limit breakers and horrible drivers are the ones getting further and the innocent rule follower is caught at the red light?

Why is it that cheaters get as far or farther than those who spend the actual time and effort in the task at hand?

Why is it that common law breakers are always completely fine when those in the wrong place at the wrong time suffer lifetime change?

Why is it that butt-kissers climb their way up when honest, hardworking people are down at the bottom still hoping for their chance at being noticed?

Why is it that the world is so unfair for those who just want to do the right thing?

Nobody Likes The Honest Questions

Nobody Likes The Honest Questions

If I asked you to accept the fact that my heart is too small to love you as you deserve, and asked you to care for me despite the black dog that follows me around, and asked you to be happy with my inattention, my neglect, my inconstant fawning, my inconsistent adulation… If I asked you to give up your skin for me, pull out your nails for me, break your teeth for me, peel out your eyes for me… If…

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Lets be honest.

Most people who follow me at the moment, do so because of old material that I posted and then took down. You don’t need to continue to follow me if you don’t want to, it’s up to you. x

Also I’m thinking of doing more slam poems, are you guys in?