honestly idk where i was going with this

anonymous asked:

I' afab and have depression and my therapist wants me to attend these meetings at a "girls' house" where they play games, relax, bake, talk ect. and it's supposed to be really helpful when you feel lonely and sad. The problem is, they are very vocal about being "girls only" and it gets announced at every turn. I'm not really comfortable with that, especially since lately i've been feeling more and more masc. I'm not out. And idk if i should go or try to make some excuse.

Honestly, there definitely is a way to tell her you don’t want to go without telling her! The best thing to do is to tell her you’re uncomfortable. You shouldn’t have to explain why, but if you do, you can always say something like: you don’t get along with girls greats, being around a large group of girls makes you anxious, you’d rather be in a coed group, etc.

I will say, that if you chose to come out to your therapist, they /should/ be a good person to come out to. Legally, a therapist cannot tell your parents anything unless they think it is “concerning” or a “danger to yourself”. So, if you feel it’s something your therapist may be cool with, then you could always chose to do that.

-jessi

alright listen you lil shits!!

Aries: 8/10 y'all are chill af but got a demonic side to y'all and it’s like ummmm …. pls calm down thank u

Taurus: 8/10 y'all be chillin too but sometimes y'all just pop off out of know where and you’re like ???? damn do you need to step outside or??

Cancer: 4/10 …. honestly like idk wtf y'all be on but pls go take a nap and don’t bother anyone but your own sign and your sign only thank u

Gemini: 6/10 most of the time YALL are great and I try to give y'all the benefit of the doubt but then y'all feel like y'all got too much freedom and just burn down buildings for fun I can’t keep up pls stop

Leo: 5/10 … y'all get an extra 3 points because y'all are a fire sign but honestly … calm down???? why are you so dramatic??? omfg like homie listen it’s not that big of a deal

Virgo: 9/10 honestly YALL are really nice but y'all really be so high on a horse like …. come down …. stop …. you’re not god ….

Libra: 7.5/10 y'all got this cute charm thing going on for y'all but y'all are indecisive, ugreatful, manipulative, impossible, cry baby assholes like fuck stfu

Scorpio: 7/10 y'all make great friends but y'all get pissy over the stupidest shit, can’t control ya emotions, act like the world owes you something, y'all have this fucking god-complex that everyone says aquarians have like holy fuck listen buddy, life is not black & white, everyone likes typical shit like the color pink but also likes to watch gory movies you are not “different”

Sagittarius: 9/10 we’re fucking awesome but shit we be too much sometimes and we never fucking deal w our emotions and we run away from shit when it gets too hard but judge tf outta others when they do it

Capricorn: 9.5/10 almost perfect but not there because you’re constantly over worrying shit, judge people, act like y'all are better than everyone, pretend your life isn’t a constant mess because you’ve painted a perfect picture for everyone and your closet is a fucking mess

Aquarius: 7/10 y'all chill too but you never answer your fucking phone, you barely go around your family or friends, you pop up out of the blue, your sc is always lit but tu never invite anyone, you never sleep, always forget to eat and only exist when you feel like it

Pisces: 6/10 do you even exist???? where tf you be at???? why y'all so salty and bratty??? why do y'all act like we gotta be nice to you cause your feelings are so sensitive like damn bitch ain’t no one care drink some damn orange juice

If you ever wonder do I put any meaning to my art
Honestly, not always
But this one is about how do I want to just go
Anywhere where I can be a new person
Just like something pulls me down right now
….
I am not sad, just so tired of this ordinary life😂

“tumblr made me feel bad for being a man :’(” listen, no one’s holding you here, you’re free to log off at any time and enter the rest of the world where mediocre men are praised for anything and everything they do

like honestly it reeks of “tumblr is making me aware of the crap men do and demanding that i take responsibility and work on my misogyny & that makes me uncomfortable :/”

and instead of, ykno, working on yourself so you can look at those posts and go “that’s true, men do that and i do my best to unlearn this behaviour, call it out in others and otherwise support women” you hit up random women to console you because owning up to anything is outside of your male comfort zone

Day 2: Pets

Hogwarts AU! feat. Akaashi’s first owl and the poor Bokuto family owl.

Rambling about Reigen

Okay, so i really like the popularity of the whole Reigen is asexual headcanon. 

For a lot of reasons. so I’m going to ramble for a bit. not just about that, but also about Reigen and friendship in general.

One thing being; he’s not the sort of character that usually gets seen or portrayed as asexual. He’s not innocent or childish or naive in any way. He’s a sly con man whose greatest weapon is his words and he isn’t above outright manipulation. but he’s also a character who places great importance on being a responsible adult, and damn well tells off adults who pick fights with children. 

But he’s also really lacking in personal connections, and throughout the series thus far has shown no interest in forming romantic relationships, never so much as acting flustered or infatuated around anyone even as a gag. 

but while he has shown no interest in romance he also seems to neglect most other relationships too, but seemingly unintentionally. his neglect of his friendships, unlike his lack of interest pursuing romance, is something that it’s often shown he regrets.

His only real interpersonal connection in the series is with Mob (and Dimple) for the longest time, and after they fall out and we find out more about Reigen’s life outside of his connection to Shigeo we also find out more about the people he knows:

The closest thing he has to friends are a bar full of easily manipulated and flakey people, who turn on him the moment the whole media scandal starts. 

But what makes this different to most ‘loner’ asexual stereotypes is the fact that Reigen is actually incredibly adept at understanding people and isn’t socially inept at all, in contrast to Mob (who in further contrast, is also really good at making friends despite his social ineptitude). 

His main downfall really is that he can be a bit too dismissive of the people he actually cares about at times, both intentionally and unintentionally. Which affects the few interpersonal connections he really does care about since he does take them for granted at times, first with mob in the separation arc, and later in a much more minor way with Serizawa, when Reigen waits until the last minute before asking to hang out with Serizawa for new years:

Serizawa is so important to me as a character, but in regards to Reigen he’s also Reigen’s first real adult friend/employee in the entire series. so while minor, this incident does inform us of quite a bit in contrast to the start of the seperation arc. For one, Reigen accepts the rejection much better than when Mob told him he was busy that time, and even though Serizawa is just as, if not more socially inept than Mob, Reigen doesn’t dismiss his claim of having other friends. So, character growth!

The fandom likes to joke about it a lot, but Reigen has become a beacon of “Dad” to all the kids in the series, as well as the adults who act like kids if i’m honest! (looking at Claw with that statement) And despite being a fraud he’s the one everyone comes to for help, adults and kids alike. 

He’s the person the former Claw members go to at the start of the second Claw arc in order to get help, same with Teru. He’s the one Mob calls to take him and his friends out alien hunting rather than asking his parents. And he’s the one who solves the problems of so many other people in the series using words or plain old common sense. He may not go about things in the most ethical way, but he always honestly tries to leave people in a better place than where they started, even if that involves manipulation.

All in all he’s a unique and complex character, and honestly I couldn’t support the ace Reigen headcanon more. 

Kaltenecker not so funny? IDK??

This might be a reach BUT– 

Assuming it isn’t just random joke material and it’s an actual scene in the season, that Kaltenecker scene feels kinda off to me tbh. I would have thought he’d be playing the game with Pidge, but he’s by himself in the dark in his pj’s. Maybe Pidge is busy, maybe it’s nothing, and maybe I’m just reaching for nothing here?  

The way Allura an Coran were hovering around for Lance’s attention felt very much like they were trying to distract him from something. Thus, I’m finding it hard to believe they simply wanted a milkshake. Seemed like an excuse for something else to me. They were also nervous about it, too, like they might scare him off or something. 

AND Lance, despite this being a comic scene, felt very flat. When he exited the room (Pidge’s room? It’s her stuff and there is a lot of it) his hands were in his pockets, eyes closed and his shoulders hunched. We’ve seen him do that before when he approached Keith in season three in a emotionally heavy moment. And in normal instances where he might smirk or brag, his face was a dull ‘whatever’ instead. It seemed like a normal opportunity for him to brag and throw his confidence around in their faces, but he was very resigned, even when he smiled at them. 

Also, when the shot focussed on Allura and Coran they seemed ecstatic when he walked away. And not bc they’re getting a milkshake, but–by the way they watched Lance walk away then fist pumped together–they looked like they accomplished something. Like getting him out of his (Pidge’s?) room, for example? Like ‘hell yeah we got him out!’ But still a little like “WTF ARE WE DOING?” 

Lance just felt flat flat flat, (also very beautiful) just going along with what Allura and Coran wanted, and they themselves seem way too overly interested in the task. IDK. It just felt a fraction off. It could be related to his insecurities or it could be something else 'comic’ that’s been exaggerated eg. Blown off by a cute girl and feeling down bc of it etc etc. Something one dimensional like that, which I hope it’s not. 

I’m honestly imagining an entire scene right now where Lance is down and the entire team kinda just freaks like ‘wtf do we do?’ and make this game out of trying to get him out of his room like how they did the whole black lion scene in season 3. And Allura and Coran are smug bc they got him out? 

I stretch when thinking about these things. I could be completely wrong. I probably am. The whole thing though is that Lance hides his worries behind his personality. And the other two clips shown were serious and added to the plot. What if they showed this as another sort of masking of Lance’s issues? It’s funny, so we laugh, awesome, wow, but I’m a sucker for the fact that there could be serious undertones to this that might go unnoticed. 

Then again, Coran and Allura could have just wanted a fucking Milkshake. And everything I said here was pointless. They’re delish after all. 

Also these images were borrowed from @surferlance’s video from twitter, not mine at all.

you know whats really been pissing me off lately? people who judge fans of youtubers

Saying that we’re “cringey” for blogging about the egos or writing our own HCs for them, posting these incredible edits and fanart that take hours/days/weeks to make, using our imaginations and awesome writing skills to create thousand-word-long theories, or just coming up with the most creative content i have ever seen on a website.

and these people can just diminish that in a heartbeat, they pounce on us like fuckn wolves and say that we’re the “cancer” of youtube and the youtubers should be embarrassed of us…. but thats such a load of bullshit?? like christ sorry that we’re having fun all while being a positive community n not causing harm to others !!!

but the worst part is if you try to stop the hate, you get told to “kill yourself” and if you argue back ?? you get labeled as a crazed fan and get the shit trolled out of you by anons bc some big blog rb’s a post where it says “kill tumblr user @_______” and sends their goon followers after u and the after effect of that lasts for days, weeks, months. You completely lose the feeling of safety and no longer want to post what makes you happy bc you’re afraid you’re going to get more hate

idk what the point of this was honestly im just getting real tired of assholes shitting on everything the community does and i know theres no point in getting upset and i should just grow a thicker skin but its just absolute bullshit that these pricks can get hundreds of thousands of notes on posts that are making fun of us. im done with the hate.

please kill the idea of “cringe” culture and let people have fun n be happy like the world is awful enough let this be a safe place for us

Listen I have a lot of thoughts about Legolas . I always pictured him a bit differently than how he was portrayed in the films, and while I think they got a lot of parts right, there’s some parts where they lacked and where I like to insert my own ideas to better imagine the character I understood him as since Tolkien added him late.

Here’s my thoughts in no particular order

1. Black hair

2. Olive skin

3. Eyes that are like the cloaks Galadriel gives the Fellowship in that they never seem to be the same hue

4. Always smiling softly like he knows what’s going on

5. MAKE HIM ACTUALLY SING??????!! HIS SONGS BREAK MY HEART

6. Not biased towards dwarves in that UGLY way but like in the kid-raised-in-right wing-home-carefully-unlearning way

7. FUNNY IN THE WAY THE KID WHO RARELY SPEAKS IN CLASS IS FUNNY

8. Helpful without needing to be and like knowing when ppl need help .

9. Young feeling.

10. Tattoos of vines tbh all up on his face and limbs n shit like he literally came from the dense woods in wartime let him blend in he’s the last prince of his people let him be hidden away and forest

11. Does NOT ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND SAURON LIKE HE THINKS HE DOES 12. MAKE HIM ACTIVELY TRY TO NOT BE TEMPTED BY THE RING MAKE IT HARD FOR HIM BC THE POWER OF THE ELVES IS WANING !!! IT WOULD NOT BE EASY FOR HIM !!! OMFG THAT CONFLICT IS NEVER SHOWN !!!!

13. Make him MISS SOME SHOTS WITH HIS ARROWS when he is VISIBLY AFRAID !!! (2 ideas in one , radical I know!!)

14. Have him put his head in his hands at least once .

15. Make him talk to Merry as Pippin even though they aren’t there when he’s actively searching to save them .

16. Make him console people somewhat through humour like he does in the books !

17. WHERE was his friendship with gimli after the war ? WHERE was the scene where they explored each other’s homes and left for the undying lands ?

18. Make Legolas androgynous 2kforever

19. Personally I was so excited to see mhis struggle to comprehend what is going on at the Black Gate when the Mouth of Sauron brings Frodo’s mithril shirt out like….. where’s his raw despair ?

But most importantly :

20.

WHERE IS THE SCENE WHERE HE HEARS THE CALL OF THE SEA FOR THE FIRST TIME??!!!

no you guys don’t understand I love my cat so much

my perfect fluffy baby

it always confuses me when superman gets drawn burlier than batman. i mean we dance around it but superman is basically super strong due to space magic. he could be a weedy lil string bean and he’d still be able to lift a bus. i’m not saying the muscles don’t help, or that he doesn’t probably have magic space muscles. i’m just saying, all of batman’s strength is muscle-dependant. he has no space magics. in my head he is the more burly of the two just out of necessity. i know he’s kind of got the gymnast thing going on but like. i imagine bruce wayne as more barrel-y and clark kent as more dorito-y. i don’t know why i’m telling you this except that i’m dealing with the realization that this is not the standard assumption.

Beetlejuice (Connor Murphy x reader fic part 1 of 2)

THIS IS A GHOST AU. LIKE CONNOR IS DEAD BUT YOU MEET HIM IN HIS LIL GHOST FORM. IT’S NOT AS LAME AS IT SOUNDS. OR MAYBE IT’S EXACTLY AS LAME AS IT SOUNDS.

Guys. It is like crazy long. And only part one. I’m going to post part two in a few days but I split them up because i’m still working on an ending. I honestly have no clue if anyone will wanna read this because it’s so fucking long. But this is like a Connor Ghost fic where you move into his house after his family moves out to get over Connor’s death and he haunts you but you guys become friends and idk this idea was so good in my head idk it I did it justice but maybe someone will enjoy. Part two will not be long because 1.) lack of motivation 2.) lack of ideas 3.) I’m making you guys read all this I won’t continue to waste more of your time. also this was so hard to edit so i’m sure there are one thousand mistakes im sosososos sorry.

TW: suicide, self harm, bullying, anxiety, depression, swearing, angst, fuck it’s sort of sad idk i feel for ghost connor

12,085 words yikes

You jolted up, your sleep disturbed by loud (and quite rude) banging at your bedroom door. You shot up quickly, trying to figure out what the hell was happening at…

You checked your phone which was shoved under your pillow, the illumination making you flinch from your unadjusted eyes.

It was 12:00.

The knocking ceased momentarily, which made you think you were hearing things due to exhaustion. Plus, there was no way it was your parents, seeing as they were the oldest middle aged people you knew, hitting the pillow before 9:30. You relaxed, regretting it seconds later when the knocking came back.

You brought your legs close to your chest, covering your mouth so whoever was there couldn’t hear your breathing. You decided to quickly get up, drawing the cover off your bare legs and moving nimbly to your empty closet, trying to avoid the maze of boxes that crowded your room. You’d just moved in, it was literally your first night at the house and probably the last day of existence. You thought this was a good neighborhood, and your parents had an alarm system. Surely your dad would come running to save you or maybe they’re calling the people. Or maybe the imagined murderer already killed them, coming for you to finish the job. You could feel the tears well up in your eyes as you closed the walk in closet door as quickly as you could. Fuck. Is this the part you were supposed to pray for forgiveness? Fuck. You had leftovers in the fridge from tonight that you were really looking forward to eat for lunch tomorrow. Then you thought how pathetic that was, having that be your last breathing thought of your fleeting life. Your door swung open, not hearing any footsteps but a sudden pounding on your closet door. You were shaking, hands covering your mouth, resulting in tears to flow.

“Zoe! I know you were in my room. I can’t get in. You fucking locked it you bitch. I’m going to fucking kill you with the key when I find it. Stop messing with my head, I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me.” The voice screamed out desperately, followed by angry sobs. Your tears ceased however. Zoe? What the hell? What’s happening? The closet door swung open, but no one was even there. All was quiet, you were so shaken up you couldn’t move for five whole minutes. It was like you were frozen. You were tired. Maybe, that was some sort of nightmare of sleep paralysis. Because where the hell did the voice come from. How the hell did your door fly all the way open without a single person in sight. You were hallucinating. That had to be it. From lack of sleep or from that weird black mold that grows in the walls you heard about in that short weird documentary on YouTube. That’s the only plausible thing. You squeeze your eyes shut, trying to blink away to exhaustion. You finally exited out of the tiny space, going to reach for the closet door knob to cease it shut. Before your hand even got near it, it slammed closed, causing you to open your eyes swiftly.

“What the hell is your problem, Zo-” A boy stood before you, looking half dead. Not even half, but fully dead. His eyes were bloodshot, he looked like he had bags under his eyes, and even in the dark, you could see a large circular purple mark all the way around his neck.

You fucking started screaming.

“Shit!” he cupped his hands over your mouth, the temperature of Antarctica hovering over your lips. “I didn’t realize Zoe had friends over. Shut up you’re going to wake up my parents.” This is when you started crying. Not only did he murderer sneak into your home, he was a complete lunatic. His parents? Zoe? He was fucking nuts and he was definitely going to kill you. You went to shove him away, but your hands went through, like he was mist. Now, you started to ball. You were the crazy one. You convinced yourself you developed schizophrenia overnight and were losing it, or it was definitely the black mold. He looked as scared as you did, backing away. He touched his stomach, which his hands didn’t go through at all. His face was unreadable, then he was unreadable, vanishing into thin air.

You didn’t sleep the rest of the night.

The next day you walked around void, scared to go even take a nap. You convinced yourself it was just a nightmare. A nightmare you don’t remember falling asleep to or waking up from but that’s what you decided. You needed to tell yourself it was fine. You also googled that hallucinating black mold, and that really only grows in really old houses, so you eliminated that. It was fine. Everything was fine. Your parents commented on how tired you looked. Brushing it off, you just told them how excited you were about the new house, and you couldn’t sleep. A lie, but since you were lying to yourself why not make some more up. Night quickly approached as you tried to fix up your room, figuring where your desk and bookshelves should go. Plus, nothing else really weird happened. You stayed up, busying yourself by decorating. When the banging started again. It was midnight

“Zoe!”

Fuck.

So, reality was hitting you. Were you crazy? Was this house fucking haunted. You never really believed in ghosts, but that wasn’t to say it didn’t scare the crap out of you. The door slammed open about, without a person there. You froze in place again, waiting for it to just appear again. It went straight to the closet again, banging loudly.

“Why are you doing this?” Similar words whimpering out of his mouth. You think about running into your parent’s room, like how you did when you were 5. But you were just stuck. The hallucination, or ghost, or whatever, had their back toward you. It was definitely a guy, his voice low and sort of nasally. He had shoulder length hair, you couldn’t tell if it was black or brown, and he was wearing a hoodie and jeans. He disappeared and the closet door slammed open, as it did the other night. Connor reappeared right in front of you, your eyes wide and just in utter shock.

He hissed: “Who the hell are you?” His eyes were a very dull blue with what seemed to be brown spot that now seemed more gray than anything. They were lifeless. Below was a nose that had a few bumps down the slope, and a wide mouth with a soft, but prominent cupid’s bow. His neck was even more visible than the night before, making your skin crawl as you peered at the purple mark that was the entire circumference of his neck. You subconsciously dug your nails into your palms, feeling pain within seconds. So you were definitely awake. Next was to test if this was a hallucination from sleep deprivation. You squeeze your eyes shut, as hard as you can you think your face might melt, scared to open them back up. He was still there, with a face of confusion mixing with anger. Okay, now it was ghost checking time. You gently went to put your arm through him, ghosts are just apparitions right? Your whole hand went through his body.

“W-what..?” he stuttered out, almost like a croak.

You pondered, how could he touch you but you couldn’t touch him. A realization came to you, causing you to jerk your hand back. He could hurt you but you can’t even defend yourself against him. Tears started to spill again.

“Please don’t hurt me.” you whimpered softly, completely submissive.

His eyes widen, freaked out that you thought he was trying to hurt you. “I’m not… I wouldn't…. how… what…” he was totally as confused as you were. Probably more scared than you, if that was even possible. This boy is dead and he doesn’t even know. The sound of footsteps approach your door, and the ghost was gone.

“Why is your light still on, sweetie?” your mother comes in, wincing from the brightness.

“Sorry, I’ll wrap it up soon.” you told her, again, like nothing was wrong. You quickly turned away, shielding your tears from her. She was oblivious and didn’t even notice. Your mom walks into your room, admiring your wall of old pictures of your friends.

“This is nice…” she says, trailing off knowing you weren’t happy with the move becasue you were an hour away from all your friends now. You hum meekly, not able to say a word about the topic. “I’m really sorry honey. It was just… You know your dad got this new job. And neither of us wanted to move your senior year but… We didn’t have a choice. You know that.”

“It’s fine, mom. I’ll meet new friends! And I’ll still have them! So I’ll have twice the amount of friends now.” you struggled to fake enthusiasm, but your mother’s density seemed to buy it

“Well. You gotta go to the new school tomorrow. It’s Monday now, so you gotta get up early. You can even take my car. Maybe I’ll ask your dad if he’d be willing to buy you your own! Uh? How about that.”

“Sounds great. That’d be really cool…” you tried to say with fervor, but it came off more sarcastic.

Your mom came over to you and planted a kiss on your forehead. “You know I love you, sweetie.” you nod in response as she turns to leave, turning the light out on the way out.

The boy didn’t come back again that night

—.

School sucked. You didn’t meet any new friends. Kids looked at you weird. The school was a lot bigger than your last one. You were late to one of your classes. And the walls were bare, with the exception of some random suicide prevention posters up. They gave you a sour taste in your stomach. The words “The Connor Project” almost screaming out to you as you passed them at the end of each hallway. Was Connor a kid at your school? Is? Was? That was even more disturbing to think about, there was a dead kid at your new school that everyone is probably mourning and you have no clue who this kid even was.

Unless.

No. No! That was completely ridiculous. Absolutely not.

Once you got home, you found yourself opening your laptop typing the name of the school and the name on the posters.

Connor Murphy -  Obituaries

You clicked the link, leading you to an obit from almost a year ago that contained a school picture.

Fuck.

The colored picture was a kid looking straight into the camera. A kid that had sad heterochromic eyes. A kid with a bumpy nose. A kid with a wide mouth with a define cupid’s bow. A kid was long brown shoulder length hair.

A kid that looked eerily similar to whatever you saw last night.

You ran downstairs. Your mom making god-knows-what in the kitchen with your dad.

“Did a kid kill himself in this house.” you blurted out. You didn’t want to put it that way. That sounded insensitive. But the words were already out there. You mom was shocked, eyes wide and she brought her lips in, as if she was sealing them. You’re dad pushed up his sleeves and tilted his head to the right, squeezing his eyes closed as if he was trying to read the lines he was about to tell you, like they were tiny little cue cards in his head.

“We should all sit down.” he calmly said. Good one, father. Rehearsed that perfectly. The three of you head over to the couch, you sitting on the chair opposite, like they were having an intervention for you that you started.

Your father started. “There was a family who lived here. The Murphy’s.” Christ. It’s been confirmed.

“They had two children. Zoe… and er…” your mom took control of the conversation but paused before saying his name. “and Connor.”

“Last year… Around this time. Connor…” Your mother covered her mouth, like she was going to start to cry. You wanted to roll your eyes at her fake sympathy. Your father took her hand.

“He hung himself, (y/n)”

Your mother chimes in, “(y/fathers/n)! You don’t have to be so brash. God! Sweetie, the young man, the Murphy’s son, committed suicide. He was very unhappy, sweetie. And if you’re ever going through anything-”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll talk to you guys about anything I’m going through or whatever.” You lied. Not necessarily about the depression bit, but more over on the side of telling them things. No way in hell were you going to tell them you thought the house was haunted. They’d think you were just paranoid. “Um… where did it happen?” They knew what you meant by it.

In his bedroom. Which, is my office now. That’s why we had you take the girls room. Just because you were destined to find out. And I know that wouldn’t sit right with you” Your dad said. You sighed, sinking back in your chair. After letting all the information set in, you went slowly back up to your room, pulling out your phone.

You googled: exorcists in my area.

Bad news was that this new town didn’t seem to have any exorcists nearby, and the closest one was about 3 hours away and charged a hell of a lot. Money you didn’t have. Money you couldn’t even ask your parents for because imagining what that conversation would be like was one that wouldn’t go. Not even well, just wouldn’t go. So you decided if you’re going to be living here for the next year before going off to college. It was ghost befriending time. You felt a little stupid typing into the search bar “how to befriend a ghost that doesn’t know he’s a ghost living in your house .” Nothing. You went for something more broad. “Befriending ghosts”. More, not many, results showed up, causing you to scan through them. You read almost every article on the first two pages. Even watched some videos (with headphones in case the parents would hear). Also, you may or may not have taken notes. It was getting late, and you heard your parents go to bed. Connor was going to knock any minute, your phone was at 11:59. You walked up to your door. And as soon as a knock happened, you swung it open. Connor angrily standing there, bewildered now.

“Shit.” he said under his breath. You signaled for him to come in. “I,” he paused. “What happened to Zoe? What happened to my parents? Where are they.” he was started to catch on, realizing  something was up.

Even though you were scared, you also felt like you owed him something. You weren’t sure why, but he needed to know. At least a little.

“They don’t live here anymore, Connor.”

“What… What are you saying. Where the hell are they? And… H-how do you even know my name?” he stammered over his words, not looking at me. I tried to avoid his neck.

“Connor… do you know what you are.”

“What the fuck do you mean?”

“Do you know what I’m talking about?” He ignores you. Instead, he’s focused on the mirror hung up on the wall. Shit, he can’t look at himself like that. He will freak. You follow his line of sight, seeing you. Just you. Of course, he wouldn’t be there. He’s not living.

“Oh my god…” he started to breath heavier and heavier, until tear start falling.

“I’m so-”

“Stop! This is some weird nightmare. Some weird long nightmare… That I’m only remembering bits and pieces of as I go more and more into my sleep. I’m going to wake up. I’m going to go to school. I’m going to live a miserable life and make everyone else miserable. I’m-” He’s basically wheezing for air. He fell to the ground, you going by his side, going to try to embrace him until he disappeared.

Well. That went superb.

It had been a couple of days, and you saw no sign of Connor. But you could still sense him lingering, the air always seeming colder when he was around. You’d call out his name. And… Nothing. It was like he was hiding.

Anyway, school was the same. But today was particularly bad, it was worse by one thousand percent than all the other days combined.

You overheard some kids talking in English. “It’s the anniversary.” one said, almost as if he was amused.

“Shut up. I don’t know why you think it’s so funny. You’re messed up.” a girl hissed at him.

“I’m just happy, that’s all.”

“Happy?” she was repulsed.

“Well, if you think about it. It was either us or him.” It clicked in you. They were talking about Connor.

“What the hell do you mean by that.” she asked. You asked the same question in your head. You pretended to look for a pencil inside your bag, turning your body 90 degrees so you could actually hear better as you rummaged through your bag.

The boy with glasses breathed out, “I mean that he would’ve shot up the school if he didn’t snap his neck. That’s what I mean.” the girl looked at him with utter disgust. “You act like that’s far-fetched.”

“Connor wasn’t like that. You didn’t know him.”

“Yeah, and you didn’t either.” they paused. You glanced back, trying to figure out why they stopped. They both peered over at you.

“Could you give us some damn privacy.” the boy growled. You quickly turned back, facing the front of the room, heart beating out of your chest. Shit. Shit. Shit. You already made an enemy, and you didn’t have any friends yet to comfort you. You held your breath for what seemed like the rest of class, zoning out of their conversation, the lecture, everything. The bell snapped you out of it. You tried to get out of there as quickly as possible.

“Hey.” a feminine voice called out. You turn around. It was the girl. “I’m really sorry about Jared. He’s a real jerk. I’m Alana.” She stuck out her hand, but you didn’t shake it. You couldn’t. Hand sweat levels were off the radar.

“I’m really sorry for eavesdropping. That was so not cool.” you blurted out.

“No! No, it’s fine, really.” she reassured you, making you comfortable enough to make eye contact. “I, uh, I know you’re new here. You’re (Y/N) (Y/L/N)! I’m not a stalker or anything i just have to know everyone’s name. I’m running for senior president!” she told you, getting off topic. Shaking her head, “Anyway, enough of the self-promo. Um, what lunch period do you have?

“3rd…” you told her.

“Oh me too! If you want, you can come sit with me.” you weren’t sure if she was being nice, piteous, or deceptive. But you accepted, you didn’t want to eat in the library for the following week, pretending to catch up on your new classes.

Lunch came around and you looked all over for Alana. She spotted you before you spotted her.

“(Y/N)!” she called out much louder than needed to, and everyone looked. Your day was just filled with embarrassment. You walk over, with your head down and sit across from Alana. The boy, Jared was there along with another boy who looked severely uncomfortable as well. You made a mental note, knowing that feeling all to well.

“Hey, Alana.” you decided against a verbal hello to the boys. So you just gave them a nod. Jared just kind of stared at you while the other kid smiled awkwardly back. This was weird. Alana was weird. Jared was weird. That kid was weird. And you were weird. All weird in different ways, so it made it even weirder. You all weren’t even on the same ‘weird’ page.

“So, (Y/N). Sorry about the whole ordeal I made in English.” Jared, the boy with glasses who yelled at you, said. It wasn’t a genuine apology. Alana gritted her teeth at him. “Since you’re new to this school, I’ll tell you a little of its history.” He said, almost demented. It reminded you of something the joker would say (Heath Ledger’s joker, may Heath Ledger rest in peace). “You see, today an important day. It’s the day we lost a fellow student. The anniversary of Connor Murphy’s death.” you gulped down. This was all way too much for you. “Great guy. Really added to the atmosphere here. You see all these kids mourning?”

No one seem to be upset. Oh… you got it. He was being sarcastic.

The awkward kid cut him off, “That’s enough.” he yelled, banging his hand on the table.

“Oh, Evan. I know you must be grieving greatly. You were his best friend after all.” Evan glared at Jared. So that’s his name. Everyone was dead silent. Like, the whole cafeteria. A girl got up and ran out. You swear to god, you recognized her. “Oh, look. Your girlfriend, Zoe. Aren’t you going to go get her?” Zoe? Fuck. Zoe was the sister. Evan followed her out, chasing behind.

“She still goes here.” you accidentally asked with concern aloud. Jared looked at you scarily, almost wanting to smirk. This conversation going exactly as he wanted.

“Oh! So you know about the Murphys? How’s that?”

“Jared, stop it.” Alana told him

“No!” he said, “How do you know about them?”

You couldn’t tell them. You weren’t about to let them know you live in that house. Jared would probably harass you some more.

“I- I don’t. I don’t know anything. I’m just gonna go-” you start to get up.

“No! You can’t go!” he announced. Alana pinched the bridge of her nose. “Tell us about it?”

“About what?” you asked back.

“Are you an idiot or something? The house. Alana told us you live in the house. Come on! Is it haunted? I feel like Connor was a troubled soul. Did you exorcise it? You really should look into that!” Your eyes darted over to Alana. She didn’t look at you. Is this why she wanted you to sit there. You jolted up, walking rapidly out of the cafeteria. You went to walk down one hallway but you saw Evan trying to comfort zone, which she seemed more tense and remote in his present. You could tell it would be better for Evan to just leave her alone, but you decided against interfering. You barely knew what the hell happened other than the death of this kid Connor.

School really sucked.

Hours past. It was about midnight and you couldn’t stop thinking about it. Really, you couldn’t stop crying. You started crying because of how no one seemed to be nice at this school, then you started bawling about how your old school was fine and how you missed all your friends and the familiarity and everything that this new place isn’t.

“Why are you crying.”

Your head shut up. Connor was at the end of your bed. He stared into the mirror. At nothing.

“You didn’t knock?” trying to make a joke but you accidentally let your voice crack.

The corners of his mouth pulled up, but quickly fell. He got straight to the point, “I’m dead, aren’t I?” he asked. All you had to do was look at him, and he got the answer from your eyes. He shut his eyes.

You wanted to get his mind off the matter. “School sucks. That’s why I’m crying, if you’re still curious.”

“If you go to the one I go to, you got that fucking right.” neither one of you corrected his wording of the present tense of “to go”. But you both knew.

“People are mean.” you murmured out.

“Yeah… I know.” he clenched his jaw. Shit. You guessed that school was a factor why he did… it. “Who was mean to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Then what do you wanna talk about because you don’t wanna talk about the fact I offed myself, so I’m kind of running out of conversation topics here.” You didn’t say anything. He squeezed his knuckles, digging his nails into his palms like you do sometimes. You didn’t know what to say, he kept going anyway. “It wasn’t Jared Kleinman, was it?” he asked bluntly. So that was his last name. “Fucking Christ, he’s such a dick.” his voice gets a little louder. Your face must of given it away. You made another mental note to show letting your thoughts show to easily. “Avoid him. Just ignore everything he says or does. You have to numb yourself at this school, okay.”

Your ghost was giving you survival tips on how to make it through senior year. It’s ironic, because, he didn’t exactly survive it himself. But this irony was not of the humorous sort. You felt sick.

“Hey, you alright?” He asked.

“Yes, I just feel dizzy.” the room really started to spin. It’s like you momentarily forgotten you were talking to a literal dead person and when you remember, you reacted the way any normal person would. You passed out.

“Hey, um, girl.” Connor never learned your name. “Hey, um. You aren’t dead too? Right.” Connor almost started to dryly smile to himself. “Because I’m the one who gets to haunt this house, not you.” He checked your pulse. It was strange. He seemed to be able to touch you, but you couldn’t touch him. He was having the same realization as you. He got up. Looking around your room for anything he could find more about you on. He looked along your walls, looking at pictures of you and your friends. There was one of you kisses some guys cheek. Connor got annoyed by it. Why did everyone have someone but him. He looked back at you, the unknown girl to him, and bought a cover up your body. Then disappearing

The following day of school, you guessed it, sucked. You’re starting to see a pattern here.

Alana tried talking to you again. You didn’t want to talk with her though, you didn’t even want to look at her. Jared just kind of would glance at you and quickly look away, guilt lingering in his stares. Then, Evan just kept his head down. Not that you were mad at him or anything. He didn’t do anything. Well, not to you. It seemed something was up with that awkward kid. Like, did he mess around with Zoe or was he a dick to Connor? He didn’t seem like either type, so you let it go.

Jared did approach you after school in the parking lot.

“(Y/N)!” he called out nervously. You kept walking, putting in your earphones to drown him out; drown everything out. You could tell he was still calling stuff out, but you couldn’t hear it over the lyrics of Karma Police. You felt a hand grasp your shoulder, turning you around roughly. Was this kid trying to fight you? He paused your music from your headphones. “Hey.” he said shyly.

“Please, just leave me alone.” You unpaused your music and started toward your car again. This time he ran in front of you, taking out your earphones.

“I’m sorry, (y/n). I don’t know why I was like that yesterday. Just, the whole Connor thing kind of tips me off.”

You cut him off not really caring to hear more, “It’s whatever. If you really wanna apologize, just leave me alone and that’d be more than enough.”

“Please, just wait. I don’t want you to think I’m this massive asshole. I mean, I am an asshole. But I was just vindictive yesterday. Something happened after Connor’s death. Something messed up that some kid did and, I uh, I helped him with it. And I still feel guilty. It was fucked up, and I’m still angry about it. So I took it out in you, god knows why.” His voice started to tremble. You started feeling bad, now.

“Jared, it’s fine.”

“It isn’t fine. None of it was fine. Evan got out of hand, and I was just as bad.”

Confused, you stated: “Evan didn’t really do anything.”

“Not yesterday. Before… The Connor Project. Fuck. Never mind, I’ll just see you tomorrow.” Jared quickly b-lined for his car. You stood there, not understanding one bit.

Maybe Connor will have some answers.

You took a nap when you got home. You haven’t been getting much sleep, and you knew you’d have to wake up at midnight to talk to Connor. Your life was getting weird.

You woke up to a weight at the edge of your bed. Your eyes fluttered open, Connor sitting before you. His hair in front of his face looking at one of your old yearbook. The one from 9th grade.

“You look really different now.” he simpered. Everyone’s 9th grade picture was cringy. “(Y/N) (Y/L/N).” Drawing out each name.

You tore it out of his hands. “So is this how you haunt people? Humiliation? Because the average ghost would flicker the lights on and off, or throw my valuables at me, or write murderous things in my wall with my cat’s blood.”

“You have a cat?”

“You missed the point.”

“Are you really trying to tell me how to be a proper ghost? Because I don’t believe you have that sort of experience under your belt.” he slyly stated.

Without even thinking (which you really should have fucking done), you remarked back, “says the one trying to tell me how to survive high school.” your eyes widen. Did you really just fucking say that. His jaw clenched, digging his nails into his palms, knowing he wouldn’t feel a thing. “Shit. that was supposed to be a joke. But I suppose jokes are funny, and that was just-”

He cut you off, “This sucks. This still sucks so much and I’m still in so much pain. But I can’t even hurt myself. I’m just stuck. Afterlife fucking suck. But high school was so bad, my family was so unbearable, I was so insufferable. Everything was starting to feel not real, I was numbing myself. No one was there for me. No one gave two shits about the freak. No one ever reached out. I had no one. No one to talk to. No one to vent to. No one.”

Your heart started hurting.  An “I’m sorry.” was all you could muster out.

“It’s too late.”

“I know….” you paused. You understood how he felt. Being alone. Being with people didn’t even stop that feeling. But you weren’t about to tell him that. “Do you know an Evan Hansen.” There you went with the present tense again.

The lights started to flicker, you would’ve made a joke if you both weren’t having a serious conversation about it. “Yeah.” he said simply, trying to not get angry. There was pause between the both of you before he continued. “I thought he might’ve been a nice kid. He wasn’t. He made fun of me just like everyone else… With this note. God, that stupid fucking note.”

“What did the note say.”

“Doesn’t matter. It was some prank. Jared probably put him up to it. They just wanted to get in my head.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that.”

“I’m sorry.” He whipped his head at you, “Shit, I mean-”

“It’s fine, (Y/n). Just… try not to. Or whatever. I don’t give a fuck what you do or don’t do. Why’d you ask about Evan?”

“Jared brought him up to me today-”

Connor cut you off, “I thought I told you to avoid that fucking kid. He’s not a nice guy.”

“I tried. No, I tried. He like, hunted me down in the parking lot. Apologizing and telling me some stuff.”

“Don’t listen to him. He’s probably trying to make some joke. He thinks he’s the fucking class clown but he’s not even funny.” he paused, curious about what he might have said. “What was the stuff he told you.”

“Um…” you didn’t know whether to tell him about the Connor Project. It was obviously about him, but he didn’t seem to be fond of anyone at his school. Not even his sister. Now wasn’t the right time to bring that up. You know he’d be pissed about it. And now, it pissed you off, feeling like it was a pity project to make people feel better that no one actually cared about Connor.

“Woah, easy.” Connor said, sort of aggressively. He pulled your fingers off your palms, finding little red marks indenting your skin, the skin slightly broken. He brushed his fingers over the marks, you didn’t even realize you started to do that “I do the same thing. It just doesn’t hurt anymore.”

Connor didn’t re-ask what Jared told you. You two kind of talked about random stuff the rest of the night. Like your family (who were very different but similar in the rich neglectful way), your old lives (his living and yours where you used to live), and then music (which surprisingly was very similar! How many people can say their house ghost has a good taste in music. I’d take a wild guess and say next to none!) You stayed up until three, and both of you were getting tired (ghosts need sleep too apparently, existing in that form is draining.) You fell asleep first, curling up your body in a fetal position on your full size bed while Connor sat crossed legged. Before he disappeared, he had the realization that you were cute. Which wasn’t going to be good, finding you attractive.



“(Y/N)?” Jared whispered behind you. Snapping at you to get your attention. “Hey (Y/N) Pst! Hey, hey, (Y/N)!” he started yelling-whispering. “Heeeee-”

“What, Jared?” you hissed back. He leaned back in his desk, smiling widely at you in a goofy way.

“Wanna be partners?” he asked, pretending like you never said to leave you alone.

“Aren’t you usually with Alana?”

“She’s at some Student Council field trip for like three days, so I thought since neither of us have partners. Then we should just group up.”

You corrected him “You can’t find a partner.”

“Oh, I forgot. You’re miss popular. I mean, look at all the people begging to be your partner. What? You want me to get on my knees, profess my dire need of your partnership? Huh?”

“No don’t-” …And the boy was on his knees, making a scene.

“Oh, sweet merciful goddess of forgiveness. Please take mercy in me and take me on as your burden. Rise me up through the ashes and make me anew. Oh-”

“Okay okay. Please just stop… whatever you were just doing. Bring a desk over here.” you quickly told him, getting up to stop. You tried to hide your face. Half the class chuckled while the other rolled their eyes. So this was typical. Connor did tell you he was the class clown type. Though, Connor would’ve been a part of the half to roll their eyes.

The two of you started working. It was a MacBeth project. Recreating some scene in a modern day aspect. Jared wouldn’t shut up because how lame it was. Though, as you wrote the script, he would put his two cent on what memes to add. You ignored him.

You couldn’t help but to think about what Jared was telling me yesterday. You knew it was none of your business, but you couldn’t help to feel curious. Especially since you, well know Connor.

“Jared.” you said, not looking up from the paper you were writing on. “Um, what’s the Connor Project?”

He shifted awkwardly in his seat, “It’s a dead club.” You knew if he didn’t feel guilty about the whole thing, he would have chuckled at his accidentally pun. “The posters are still up just to make everyone feel better. Like the schools doing something when no one is.”

“Well, why isn’t anyone running it.”

“Why are you so curious about it all of the sudden. You didn’t want me to talk to you at all yesterday now you’re asking me questions about this. What’s the catch?”

“There isn’t one… I’m just… I don’t know. You, Alana, Evan, and Zoe just were really beat up about it. But no one else seemed to even flinch or bat an eye. Did Connor mean a lot to you.” you weren’t sure why you were asking questions you knew the answers too, people do that a lot to hear what they wanna hear.

“I don’t wanna to talk about it.” No one wanted to talk about anything, you thought.

“I see.”

Jared remarked: “You don't…”

“Why’s that.”

“You don’t know anything that went down. You know some kid killed himself and Evan started the Project. Which is now dead. T-the project, that is.”

“Well, I don’t know anything because no one will tell me.” You thought to yourself for a minute, waiting for a response. Evan started it. But Connor said that Evan wrote that mean note-

“Can we just get back to working in this stupid project.”

You complied. You still had no answers, a fuck ton of questions, and a memeless MacBeth project.

You got home later that day around 3. Connor was already in your room.

“You’re up early.” you say unphased. I mean, come on. A ghost lives in your house and you talk to him daily, what else could phase you at this point.

“Yeah, I haven’t really figured out why though.” he mumbled. He’s lying on your bed, staring at your ceiling. You notice scars all on his forearms. You don’t say anything. “I think my body thought it was 12 at night, when it was really 12 in the afternoon. I’ve been laying here for about 3 hours waiting for you to get home. Why don’t you have a clock in here.”

“Because I have a phone.”

“Yeah, but you don’t even have an alarm clock.”

“My phone is my alarm clock.”

He changed the subject, “How’s school.”

You shrugged your shoulders, looking around at everything other than him. He looked tired and so beat up. It made you incredibly sad. Connor caught on

“Is there a reason you won’t look at me.” he said, annoyed by your distance. “Am I that ugly?” That’s when you realized. Your ghost was cute. But he was hard to look at, seeing all the pain he had to go through. You wanted to start crying for him in a way. But what gave you the right to cry. Also, why did you refer to him as your ghost.

You made yourself make eye contact. Connor noted to himself that if he were alive, he would’ve blushed. But there is no blood running through his body anymore. “You happy. I’m just stressing out about this MacBeth project.”

“The modernization one?”

“Yeah, you did it?”

“I received it.” he said dryly, understanding what he meant. You looked away. He noticed. “Um, you had to partner up with someone right? Who’d you group with?” he asked, trying to steer back the conversation on the right road.

You couldn’t tell him, so you lied: “Alana. I’m not sure what her last name is.”

“Beck. It’s Alana Beck. You’ll ace that one. You’ll just have to deal with her annoying ass.” you smiled at him, reconnecting your eye contact.

“She seems okay.” you lied. You were still mad about what happened at lunch, and how she told Jared about your personal life. So you didn’t care for her.

“She’s, like, obsessed with how people see her.”

“Aren’t we all.”

“You don’t seem that way.”

“I am. I really want to make friends at this school.”

“No one’s worth your time…” he paused, going into a deep thought than coming out of it. “Alana, though. She does all this shit so other people think she’s this kind person like food drives. You know, that kind of shit. But she only does it for bonus points, like, so she can put it all on her college application.” You wondered if she was a part of the Connor Project?

“I mean, at least sees doing something.”

“But she’s not sincere about any of it. She doesn’t care.” he looked really sad again. Not even sad just empty. “I'm… I’m  just gonna go.”

“Wait, Con-” and he disappeared. Then, you felt really alone.

You tried facetiming your old friends. No one was able to pick up. It was Friday. And Fridays at your old town meant bonfire nights. Ugh, it was probably the first fire of senior year, and you were missing it. You were missing all of it. You went on instagram to see all their pictures. First, you looked at the old ones. Then the newer ones. The ones showing you weren’t missed. You noticed a message.

Jared Kleinman wants to send you a message.

Ew. No.

You read it anyway.

@JaredKleinmeme: hey i realized that this has to be a rough draft by monday and we only have half of it done. So we gotta meet up over the weekend. I would say my house but my moms are redoing our floors. So idk where you wanna meet.

No way were you coming here. Connor would have a fit. But you can’t borrow he car over weekends because your mom and dad both work during the day.

You got to message back.

Do you have a car? I don’t think we can come to my house?

He typed back within seconds.

No, i don’t. My parents only let me use theirs when i go to school.

Shit. Sure we can’t do yours???

Positive

Connor only ever seems to be in your room. Maybe if you guys stayed downstairs he’d never know.

Okay. We will make mine work.

Jared came over Saturday. You guys stayed in your living room. Everything was fine until your mom left.

Jared was focused on his computer. Writing out the rough draft.

Connor appeared at the stairs.

“Oh my god!” you screamed out, making Jared jump.

“What the hell?” Jared goes to look, but you grab his head to make him look at you. He turned flush.

“Sorry! I’m still getting adjusted to this house. Sometimes I just think I see things.”

Jared gets serious, “You don’t think it’s, like…. haunted or anything.”

He’s onto you. “Jared. Stop being ridiculous. I didn’t mean it like that.” Shit. Why did you make up that excuse?

“Yeah..” he chuckled meekly. “Sorry… I’m just… paranoid. Connor didn’t like me. For valid reasons. I wasn’t exactly nice to the guy-” a crash sounded upstairs. In a flash, Jared started collecting his stuff. “I-I-I’ll finish the project at home, just don’t worry about.”

“Jared. That was just my cat! It’s fine.” you lied. You didn’t have a cat.

“I know that this is going to sound crazy, but just in case Connor is haunting your house. He probably is a vengeful ghost and will kill me. I really have to go, okay. I’ll email you the script.” he practically ran out of your house. Connor popped up right in front of you as the door shut behind Jared, causing you to stagger back surprised.

“What the hell, (Y/N)?!” he fumed.

“No! What the hell to you, Connor!” you matched his anger. “Don’t do that shit when I have people over. Jared thinks you’re haunting the house now.”

“Well, aren’t I?” he hissed, “I can’t believe you lied to me. God, literally I told you to talk to anyone but him. But not only are you his friend, you’re inviting him over to your goddamn house. Are you trying to fuck him or something. That fucking virgin probably itching you to fuck him.” Connor was completely out of hand.

“What the actual hell, Connor. What’s your fucking problem!

“Jared! Jared fucking Kleinman is my fucking problem, (Y/N)!”

“Well he’s gone, thanks for that by the way! Just an FYI, I’d never even hug Jared if my life depended on it, let alone try and have sex with him. So, drop it!”

“Then what was he doing here.”

“A project! A stupid MacBeth one.”

“You told me you were working on that with Alana?”

Shit

You story fell through. “Shit… I… You know I couldn’t have told you.”

“Why are you working with him then?”

“Because he was the only one left in the class. Are you done interrogating me? Because now i have to worry about how to tell people my house isn’t being haunted by some freak.” You froze, your hands covering your mouth as if you could shove that last word back in, pretending you never said it.

“Go fuck yourself.” He screamed his voice cracking. You couldn’t believe you let that word leave your mouth. Especially directing it at Connor. You fucked up.

You didn’t see Connor for a full week. You tried apologizing, knowing he had to be around somewhere. He was. He always was. He’d watch you at all times. He’d watch you sit and watch TV, eat dinner with your family, watch you sleep, and write in your journal. You always felt his presence, the air always felt a little colder when he was around.

You couldn’t stand not talking to him.

The following Friday came. You looked at your friends pictures online. Then, you looked at the people from your new school pictures. And then you looked in the mirror. Coming face to face with yourself. All alone. Tears started rolling down your cheeks. You were so alone, it started to ache. Even your parents were out doing things.

You started talking out loud. “I’m so sorry, Connor. I didn’t mean that. I was… I don’t even know why I said it. I don’t believe that at all. I miss talking to you. You’re the only friend I have here and I miss you so goddamn much. I’m an idiot for saying that and I should never talk again because I always screw up and I’m the worst and I’m sorry I’m the person who moved into this house because I’m just like the people at our school. I belong there, I suppose. Even though I’m an outcast, a fucking loser. I am the freak Connor.”

“I guess we are both freaks then.” he appeared next to you on your bed. How didn’t you notice the weight before.

Tears burst out, and you cried loud. “I’m so sorry. You’re not a freak.” Connor brought you into a hug. You were shocked at first, his cold exterior touching you. You slowly put your arms around him. Not wanting to go through him.

You didn’t.

You were hugging him. Touching him.

“Connor?” you muffled into his chest.

“Mhm?” his face was buried in your hair.

“How am I touching you?”

“I think I’m letting you. I don’t really know. I don’t have a ghost manual.”

“That would’ve been handy.” the two of you chuckle lightly. But yours came out really weird because you were still crying. He squeezed you tighter.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

“I read your diary…” you disconnect from him, staring into his eyes, bewildered.

“You did what?”

He continued. “While you were at school today. I was going through your room. And I found your black book, noticed there was writing in it. And I kind of read it all.”

“You… read… all of it?” You weren’t even mad. What you felt was worse, you were mortified.

“We never talk about your problems. I don’t know. I didn’t know you felt that way… So alone.”

You were beyond mortified. You couldn’t believe he read the entirety of your diary. “Oh god….”

“Don’t be embarrassed. I’m not gonna tell anyone. um… I mean I can’t. You’re the only person I talk to. Because I’m dead-”

“I get it, Connor.” you squeezed the bridge of your nose, not wanting to look at him. You wrote about everything in there.

“You don’t want to… you know. Um. Commit suicide.” Your head shot up, meeting his eyes. He looked so worried and sad. “Because, coming from me, it’s not at all worth it. Um, it didn’t solve anything. I almost wish I didn’t fucking do it. All I had to do was wait another year. Go to college. Pay for my own therapy. I could’ve done it. I was just so…. lost… and alone…. I couldn’t see a future. But you’re really great. You’re amazing. You’re like the best person I’ve ever met. And I wish I would’ve known you when I was alive. Maybe…. just maybe…” he quickly shut his mouth, knowing if he finished his sentence, he’d break. He turned away, knowing the tears that were welling up in his eyes were about to fall. You grabbed his hand, silently reassuring that it was okay to cry. Neither of you said anything for the rest of the night. You both just laid in your bed, staring up at the ceiling, innocently holding hands.

Both of you felt a sense of belonging for the first time in a while.

You shot up from sleeping the next morning, Connor’s body gone.

He read your diary. Fuck. You wrote about that one kid Tyler at your old school. That weird, awkward, awful sexual encounter with Tyler. Oh, my god. You’re humiliated.

He didn’t bring it up all weekend though - thank god - hopefully he never would. But then school came around Monday.

“Hey, um, (Y/N)?” a voice questioned you from behind Turning around, your eyes met Zoe Murphy’s. Shit. “I’m Zoe… er Murphy.”

“Yeah, um. I remember you. From the house sale, that is.” you stammered. Why was she talking to you.

“Oh, cool. Um, are you eating with anyone at lunch today? Because, I wanted to see if you wanted to sit with my friends and I? I’m just super confused on what we are doing in here and you seem to be the only one in class who actually knows what’s going on. And I’m trying to get in Juilliard, and I need to show them I’m not only good at playing in the Jazz band, but also at astrophysics. But if you’re busy, or sitting with other people, I totally understand.”

You shifted in your seat. You weren’t busy or sitting with others. But you didn’t want to sound pathetic. “I’m behind on some work-”

“Oh…” she looked incredibly sad. Like almost Connor-level sad. “That’s fine. Sorry, it was probably really weird for me to ask you like that-”

“No! N-no no no. It’s fine. Actually, I can sit with you! I’m not that behind.”

She smiled slightly, almost so subtly; you’d miss it if you blink. “Awesome! I sit at the first table by the window near the gym. Or, um, I could meet you-”

“Nope, I’ll just come to the table.”

“Sweet.” she nodded her head. “Um, I’ll see you there then?”

“Yeah… Um, for sure.” you said with weak excitement. Zoe waved and walked in the opposite direction.

What does she want now? People just don’t invite others to randomly sit with them. . Especially not the girl who moved into your old house who hangs out with your dead brother. Unless of course if you’re Alana and you wanted something out of it. Did Zoe want something more than a lesson in astrophysics from you?

The first half of the day dragged on, you not really being there entirely because your thoughts kept drifting off to Zoe, or Connor, or Jared, Alana, or even Evan. Didn’t Jared say something about Evan dating Zoe, and Connor said something about a mean note from Evan. Nothing made sense. You weren’t just a step behind, you were a full mile.

Lunch finally came, and you found Zoe right away. She was watching the door for you to come. There were a few of her friends at the table. They all smiled and said hi when you sat down. You caught none of their names. Zoe forced a conversation out of you. She kind of reminded you of your old friends: nice, pretty, talkative, cool without trying. You told her that. She smiled bigger, almost more subtly. In the middle of your explanation of spectroscopy, she interrupted you.

“(Y/N), what are you doing after school?”

Hanging out with your dead brother. You decided to go with: “Um, nothing I can think of.” instead.

“Cool. Um, do you wanna maybe hang out after? Um, we can get coffee? If you uh, like coffee.” she asked, you couldn’t help but to think it was a trap.

“I do, I do. But I have to get the car back for my mom in time for her to go to work-”

“I could pick you up. I mean, I know where you live.” she tried chuckling.

You didn’t know how to get out of this one. And a small part of you yearned for any type of friendship between the living. “Uh… are you sure? I could ask if my mom could just drop me off?”

Zoe reassured you, “No! No, it’s fine. It’s not out of the way.”

“Only if you really want to.”

“Yeah, of course! Do you wanna go right after school?”

“Do you actually just wanna follow me to my, er, the house?” you felt weird using personal pronouns when it previously belonged to her. She nodded, not bothered by it though.

You regretted it as soon as you made the official plan. This was gonna be weird.

This was weird.

Zoe followed behind, even though she knew the way better, she probably knew the back roads. You parked the car in the driveway, and quickly got in hers. She was staring at the house, looking at Connor’s room window.

“I live in that one.” Pointing at her old room, knowing it was hers, to distract her from Connor.

“That was mine!” She says excited. “The closet’s really nice.”

You forced out a laugh, sounding real enough. “I know! I love it. Most of my clothes are still in boxes because I’m just too lazy to put them all away.”

“No way! Me too. More than half of them are still in tubs on my floor. My mom is so annoyed by it. She’ll probably hang them up soon if I don’t.”

“My mom would never do that. She’s been in my room once. Maybe twice. She doesn’t really care what I do.” Zoe frowns at this. “N-not like she doesn’t care about me or anything. Just like what I do. I have more freedom than I know what to do with?”

“Oh… That’s actually really cool. Do you want to come to a party on Friday then?” Zoe blurted out, feeling like she had been too forward.  

“Um…” you hadn’t been to a party since your old town. What were these parties like. How do you dress? How do you act here?

“You could come over to my house, er, new house and get ready with me and the girls.” she made it sound appealing. This was a chance to meet friends.

“Yeah. Um, I’ll think about it.” Or this was a chance for everyone to find you weird. You were caught in the middle of your two-sided thoughts.

“Cool.” she stated pulling into the coffee shop. “I go here all the time. They have really good Matcha Tea. I’m not a huge coffee or tea person, but Matchas really good.”

The two of you went in, ordered (both getting Matcha, Zoe was right, it was really good), and sat down. It was odd at first. It felt like an awkward blind date that neither party wanted to be there. But after a while, you warmed up. You told her all about your old town, school, and friends. She told you about your new town, your school, and her friends.

“What are parties like here, anyway?” you gushed. “I’ve only been to parties where I know everyone. We play pong, drink, couples hookup in bathrooms, and then everyone talks about it at school the following Monday on who won at pong, who got blackout, and who had sex.”

She laughed wholeheartedly, “It’s basically the same. But we play flip cup.”

“Shit, I don’t know the rules for that.”

“Don’t worry. It’s easier than pong. Just watch what the people do before you.”

You both laugh, having genuine fun. She didn’t ask anything from you. Or use you for her advantage.

Something was off.

But you left it alone. She drove you home. It was around 8. You knew you had to work on some homework before bed, even through her protests. She told you to keep sitting with her at lunch, if you wanted to. You agreed.

You walked into your house smiling.

“Why was Zoe’s car in front of the house?”

Connor asked, scaring you half to death the minute you entered your room.

“God. You need to stop just popping up. You’re going to give me a heart-attack.”

“What? So you wanna hang out with her now? Are you sick of me? Did she tell you things about me. All the terrible things I did to her? Did you talk about me? No, that’d be ridiculous. She’d think you were crazy.”

There Connor went off again, rambling out his anxieties. “Slow down, Connor. We didn’t talk about you at all. You didn’t even come up.”

“Of course I didn’t, why would she talk about me. She’s probably glad I’m gone.

“That’s not true at all. The day… The Anniversary. She was crying in school. And she just looks sad all the time.” his face fell with even more grief. “Not like… ‘All the time’, like just when she thinks about you.”

“I thought you guys didn’t talk about me.”

“We didn’t. Sometimes you can just tell.”

“She wants something, (Y/N).”

“Like what. If she did, she would’ve asked today, not asked if I wanted to sit with her at lunch or go to this stupid party on Friday.”

“You’re going to a party? Who’s house?”

“Maybe… and I don’t know? I don’t even know if I’m going.”

“Don’t. Nothing ever good happens at party.”

“Are you, like, a party expert?” you ridiculed.

“Shut up. I’ve heard what happens.”

“I’m headstrong, Murphy. Now get out, I have to change.”

“I’ve seen you change before…” he said nonchalantly.

You turned red, “What!?” you hissed.

“I thought you knew I was there. You just walked in and threw off your shirt and pants.”

“Oh my god.” you held your head in your hands.

“ I tried to leave, but i still have to open doors to get to places. A common misconception about ghosts by the way. Or I just haven’t figured it out yet…” he didn’t realize your embarrassment, continuing to ramble.

You cut him off, “You’ve seen me naked?” you exclaimed.

“No! Just bra and underwear! Not full on. Not like Tyler.”

“Tyler?” you asked confused, then it hit you. “Oh my god!” You run to your bed, burrowing your face from all the humiliation. “Get out, you perv!” You shouted, throwing a pillow through him. “Wait how can things go through you if you can’t go through them?”

“Exactly what you said. Things can go through me, but I can’t go through them. Or at least I haven’t figured it out.”

You didn’t actual care at that moment, your distress taking over of all other worries. “Oh my god. Just get out.” you groaned, huffing into a body pillow.

He laughed as he closed the door, letting you get changed. “Lemme know when you’re done.”

You wait a minute, making sure you can’t sense him in your room. He may have been lying about the whole he couldn’t go through things. That’s when you decided. You were definitely only going to change  in your closet from now on.

Friday came. Sitting with Zoe at lunch was a lot of fun. She never brought up Connor or the house. I mean, why would she bring Connor up to you? To her knowledge, you don’t know him. You went home and immediately started getting ready for the party.

“Are you really going to that stupid fucking thing.” Connor groaned.

“Yes.” you mumbled, doing your hair in your mirror.

“Wouldn’t you rather hang out with me.” he huffed, lying on your bed, reading something.

“We hang out every day.” You looked over at him, realizing your diary was in his hands. “S-stop reading that.” you turned red, getting up and tackling him, trying to get it out of his hands. He held his one arm out, using the other to gently stop you. Your whole body was basically straddling him. Then, he turned red. Well, as much color as a ghost could get. You finally retrieved it, not noticing his bashfulness. “Ha!” you announced. Closing the book and putting in back on your bookshelf.

Connor just fell back on your bed, just staring at you. He never noticed how your hair framed your face, or how your eyes got all sparkling when you were happy, or how the corners or your mouth would twitch up when you blushed, revealing subtle dimples.

“What are you looking at. Looks like you’ve seen a ghost.” you joked, laughing at it yourself.

“Stay here. With me.” he asked vulnerable.

You paused, his tone throwing you off. You shook it off. “Come on, Con. You know I gotta go out and seem social. People are gonna start to think that I’m staying home all the time to hang out with my only friend, who’s a ghost.” You’d never called him Con before. He liked it.

“Not a chance people are going to start thinking that…” he smiled, finding that scenario completely ridiculous. And finding you completely perfect.

“I’ll be home tomorrow! All day, and we can play video games or watch movies downstairs when my parents leave.”

“Why do that tomorrow? When you could do that tonight?” Connor kept trying. You walked over to him, giving him the ever so lightest peck on his forehead. His stomach felt like it was filled with butterflies. He got that saying now.

“Tomorrow, Connor. I promise.” A beep came out from outside. “That’s your sister. I gotta go. How do I look?”

“Perfect.” he said glumly, but he meant it fully.

“I’m serious, Connor.”

“Me too…” you looked at him funny. “Go, she’s going to honk again. She’s the most impatient person ever.”

“Okay, okay.” you stood before the mirror, brushing your hair in the front, then to the back, then to the front again. Letting out a big, nervous sigh, then heading toward the door. “Bye-bye Murphy. Don’t have too much fun without me!” you called out, your door slamming shut behind you. Connor looked out the window. He meet eyes with Zoe, who was staring straight at her old room window, making what seemed like eye-contact with him. He basically ducked to the floor.

Once you got in the car, Zoe seemed panicked. “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you good.”

She quickly faked a smile, “Yeah! No, I’m good! We gotta pick up the rest of the girls.” Something was up with her.

The night sped by. You got the girls, went back to Zoe’s, touched up hair and makeup, and went to the party. It was actually only like three blocks away from your house. You were all immediately handed shots as soon as you guys walked through the door. And then a red solo cup of beer. And then a mixed drink. This house party was a lot bigger than the ones back home. You had to drink more to feel comfortable, and you sort of blacked out. Coming in and out of consciousness. At one point you were playing flip cup (and dominating), then you were doing a beer bong with Zoe (the girl somehow beat you there, not coming across as the drinking type), then you ended up in a bathroom. On a counter. With your legs and arms around some guy. Who was making out with you. What the heck were you doing.

“Connor?” You drunkenly said.

“No, er, Jared.” that sobered you up. You shoved him off, crossing your arms.

“Oh, my God. No.” you wiped off your mouth. “Hell, no. What the fuck Jared?”

“You started making out with me first. Why the hell did you just call me Connor.” Shit. Why did you call him Connor. You jumped off the counter and stormed out of the room. Someone grabbed you by the shoulder.

“(Y/N)! I’ve been looking for you.” Zoe slurred. You tried focusing on her face, but it was spinning.

“Listen, Zoe. I gotta go home.” you said back, definitely slurring your words too.

“No! You can’t!”

“Yeah, I gotta the other girls are here. You’ll be fine.”

“No, it’s not that. I need to ask you about Conmor.” She mispronounced his name, somehow slurring an M into it.

“What do you mean. I didn’t know him Zoe.” you said nervously

“No. You do. Jared told Alana that you said you see things. And there was a bang in your house and you pretended it was a cat. But you’ve never talked about a cat before. It was like you were trying to cover up. And you kept asking questions.”

“No. No it’s not like that. I just see the posters every day.”

“I saw him, (Y/N)! And you just remind me of him. Like, not like you’re mean but like, I don’t know, your humor. Like, you say things Connor would from time to time. And sometimes, I swear you smell like him. It’s like you talk to him. And I saw him, (y/n), in your room.”

Shit. Shit shit shit. You were in deep shit. Everyone is going to think of you as a fucking ghost whisperer. You had to fix it.

You started laughing, cackling.

“Zoe. Are you serious right now? Are you that drunk? We gotta find you a bed. God, you’re a treat. I haven’t laughed this hard since my old town. Wow.” you pretended to wipe a tear from your eye, humming out the last bit of fake laughs. “I’ll see you Monday.” You turned around and your smirk fell. You had to get out of there. You stumbled down the stairs. Looking for where you came in. Why does being drunk make you lose motor control and your sense of direction?

You somehow made it out and you were walking back home, tripping over your own two feet. You didn’t even realized you made it inside until you had to throw up. You bolted upstairs, going to bathroom and letting all the different kinds of alcohol up from your stomach into the toilet bowl

“(Y/N)?” You rose your head up. Shit, was that your dad.

“Occupied, Dad.” you called out, feeling like that didn’t sound drunk at all. It sounded very drunk.

“Let me in, it’s Connor. Your parents aren’t here.”

“No. I’m gross right now.” you whined out. You were too drunk to talk to him. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Who the fuck am I going to tell. The dead bugs in your window?”

“I don’t care about who you tell. I’m scared of what you’ll think of me.” There was a pause. “Connor?”

“Let me in, (Y/N).” he said so gently and nice, that itself almost made you blush. You crawl over to the door, using the knob to pick you up and then unlock it, not even realizing you locked it in the first place. Connor opened it slowly, peeking his head in as if we didn’t want to startle you. You leaned against the wall, pointing a finger at him.

“I drank a lot.” you confessed, trying to smile and act not as drunk as you were.

“Yeah, I can smell it. Are you ok-” you interrupt his sentence by running to the toilet. He followed behind, holding your hair behind you. He saw that in a movie once. He patted your back, which made you smile into the toilet.

“Isn’t it gross that we put our face so close to the toilet when we puke.” you joked, which did derive a laugh about of him.

“You’re drunk, (Y/N).”

“I know.” you lean your head against the toilet set. “Will you help me up? I wanna brush my teeth and gargle.” Connor complied, helping you up by the waist and leading you over to the sink. You got your blue tooth brush and started brushing.

“Uh, (Y/N)… You forgot the toothpaste.” he shyly told you. You started to laugh.

“Oh yeah, can you help?” he picked up the toothpaste for you and squeezed (a lot) on. Round two: you started brushing again. Making a lot of toothpaste foam. Connor just laughed. Looking at you in the mirror, only slightly annoyed he couldn’t see himself. Even like this, with all that shit dripping out of your mouth, you still looked pretty to him. He wondered what he looked like. It this state he’s in. He noticed he still had the scars on his wrists. He couldn’t help but wonder about his neck. He couldn’t help to think it’d be unfair for him to be able to look at you all the time and you had to look at the mess he was.

You brought him out of his thoughts, “Connor.”

“Mhm?”

“Stop staring at me. You’re making me self-conscious.” you blushed madly in the mirror. He looked away, allowing you to spit all the toothpaste out of your mouth. You slowly turned the water on, missing the handle the first try, and rinsed you mouth off. You took the Listerine and just started drinking it. Connor quickly took it away from you. You gargles the rest of what you had in your mouth as Connor reached for the cup. You almost spit all over his arm, if he wasn’t able to let stuff go through him.

“I’m glad you a ghost in that instance. Because that would’ve sucked.” He noted you said instance, but didn’t say anything. He walked you to your room, “How many people can say there dead best friend helps their drunk selves out. Zero. I win!” you giggled.

Connor rolled his eyes, “You’re going to be hung over tomorrow.”

“Nooooo…” you retort, as if you were a child.

He sniggered, “We aren’t going to be able to play games or watch movies. Guess I’m going to have to read your diary again.”

“Connor! Anything but that. I’ll stay awake. The less drunk I am when I go to sleep, the less hung over I’ll be. Science.” you told him, realizing the two of you were on your bed.

“No, you should go to sleep. The longer you sleep, the less hung over you’ll be. That’s Science.”

“But I don’t wanna go to sleep.”

“And why’s that.”

“Because I want to talk to you more.”

“We can talk tomorrow.”

“No.” You rise up, your face getting close to Connors. “I wanna talk now.” you whisper.

“A-about.” Connor stammered out. You were so close to him. He’d never been this close to anyone.

“Everything…” you close the distance, placing your lips on his. He’d never kissed anyone before. He never thought he would when he was dead. He kissed back for a split second, until he remembered.

He was dead. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t let you kiss a fucking dead person. He was probably cold and disgusting. He broke the kiss.

“I’m so sorry!” you panicked, creating unwanted distance between the two of you.

“Why did you do that.” Connor hissed, getting up and pacing.

“I don’t know. I’m- I’m sorry. I’m drunk.”

“Don’t ever do that again.” Connor jumped up and stomped out the door, disappearing mid-shut.

You were mortified. Your thoughts raced, thinking of everything that happened, until you passed out from all the alcohol.

Slushied

Originally posted by chuckcriss

Originally posted by lolurnotgrantgustin


Pairing: Sebastian Smythe x Reader

Request: Hi! Idk if your requests are open but imma go for it: can you please do a Sebastian Smythe x reader thing where they are secretly dating because she’s in the New Directions and they wouldn’t approve? But she is the one that gets hit by the rock salt slushee and he gets all worried? You can go off from there! Thanks 

Word count: 1.678

A/N: Hi, sorry for the late post. I had no time in these weeks, unluckily. Anyways, I added some fluff at the end and I hope that you liked it. Honestly, I’m not happy how it turned out, but I had no clue on how to write it. I tried, though.

- G. x


Love is one of the most important things in your life. You’ve always dreamt of having a prince charming since you were still a little innocent child. You would always envy the Disney princesses and you would always ask your mum when was your prince charming going to arrive in your life. You were just so delightful at the thought of it and it caused you to be so thankful when your other half came into your life: Sebastian Smythe.

You loved the idea of having your boyfriend with you, but the situation became unbearable when the both of you had to hide your relationship from your friends.
Sebastian and you were both in a glee club, The Warblers and New Directions. It was just a shame that the two of you went in two different schools and your groups are always in competition, of course.

Sebastian was the leader of the Warblers and he was the most hated member, of course. He was a competitive person and he loved to annoy his opponents, provoking them with his unnecessary insults and ironic stupid jokes.

You found it hard to hide your relationship from your friends, because you couldn’t ask them for any advices or you couldn’t tell them how your date with Sebastian went. Sebastian forced you many times to reveal them your secret relationship, but you knew that your friends would just separate the two of you and they would never approve it. You loved Sebastian, but you loved your friends too and you just didn’t know what to do.

“Hey, (Y/N)!” Kurt shouted your name and you finally turned your head to his side. “Finally, the others have already gone!” He rolled his eyes and you snorted for his actions. Kurt was your gay best friend and his mannerisms have always made you laugh, you never knew for what reason.  

“Sorry.” You finally apologized when you stopped crying and laughing at the same time. He knew the reason why you were laughing and he threw you his empty water bottle, dodging it perfectly. “What is it?”

“The Warblers are already in the auditorium. Let’s kick their asses and get this chaos done.” You laughed at his intensions as you stood up from your chair and you walked towards Kurt.

“C’mon and kick their asses.” You agreed smiling, thinking that you will see Sebastian any time soon.

You walked through the auditorium arm-in-arm with Kurt and you started thinking of the mess your boyfriend’s group creating once again. They were competing against your group at the regionals, but then you found out that both of the groups had the idea of doing a Michael Jackson song. Probably it was your fault, because you left your papers lying around your house messily, but there’s no way you are telling you them that fact.

“Oh, hey losers.” Your cheeky boyfriend looked at you and your best friend as you entered the auditorium. Kurt rolled his eyes once again and you gave him a playful death glare, him trying not to let out a laugh.

“Shut up, idiot.” Santana blurted out. “I think it’s time that I show you a little Lima Heights hospitality.”

“Unless you want to join your relatives in prison, that’s probably not the best idea.” He flashed her a flirty smirk and Santana crossed her arms furiously.

“Smythe, shut your filthy mouth.” You seriously said to him as you went near the auditorium stage. He crossed the line with that offense and he just rolled his eyes, letting you know that the fun has just started. “So why can’t we start fixing this mess?” You stood in the middle of the stage, having Sebastian behind you.

“I demand satisfaction in Warbler tradition.” Sebastian courageously challenged your group.

“Then let’s have a dual.” Kurt sassily answered Sebastian.

“Alright.” Sebastian confidently said, annoying your group members even more.

“We aren’t scared, Warblers.” Artie said as he rolled his wheels forward, nearing himself on the stage.

“You really think you’re that bad?” Sebastian smirked once again. “Is that what they teach you at that little public school of yours?”

“Let’s get it on.” Blaine then butted in, not minding what Sebastian has said, as the members of both groups went on the stage. People were divided in two big groups as the beat of Michael Jackson’s Bad started to be heard.

New Directions started to sing and dance with the Warblers and you didn’t mind that Sebastian dropped hints of you being together during your performance, also because your friends were busy on showing their best.

The most of the time, you were looking at your boyfriend’s eyes and you wanted to hug him in the middle of the song. You wanted to stop this battle between your group, because it was hard to pretend that you both hated each other and
Sebastian needed to moderate his words, because he really offended people with his sass.

You then lost Sebastian’s gaze, realizing that Kurt pulled you further and he blocked your way from Sebastian. You knew that he noticed the tension between you and Sebastian and he tried to protect you, even though you knew that Sebastian would never hurt you.

You then noticed Sebastian taking out a large white paper cup from a brown paper bag. You corrugated your forehead and you started to walk fast towards him, bumping people when you needed to. You knew that Sebastian could play dirty sometimes and you wanted to stop whatever his plans were.

“(Y/N)!” You heard Kurt shouting, but suddenly the song’s beat faded and you felt a cold and stinging liquid running down your face.

You shouted for pain and sting that you were feeling on your face.

“(Y/N)!” Your friends shouted your name.

You were about to fall on the ground, when you felt two familiar strong arms catch your weak body. You couldn’t see anything and you heard nothing, except for your sharp shouts.

“Fuck, Smythe!” You then heard Kurt, anger in his voice.

“You’re paying for this, Smythe.” You heard Santana’s sassiness. The next thing you heard was that your friends were blaming Sebastian because of what happened.

“Quiet, losers!” You then heard your boyfriend’s loud voice. “(Y/N), are you okay?”

“I can’t see and my face stings, Smythe!” You bitterly answered him. How could he ask a question like that when he obviously knew the answer?

“I am sorry,” You sensed the sadness and the regret from his voice. “it was my fault.”

“I knew it was yours, douche.” You answered him sassily, still bearing with the pain.

“Can you open your eyes?” It was Artie’s voice.

“No, don’t! It had rock salt in it.” Sebastian worriedly answered. You felt him wiping your sticky cheeks and you felt cold when the ice went inside your shirt. Your face was still stinging but the pain was bearable than before. “I’m really sorry.”

“You better be, Fievel.” I then felt someone’s hands held my forearm. “Let her go now.”

“No, I’m bringing her to the hospital,” Sebastian protested. “Whether you like it or not.”

“You hurt her.” Santana fought back, still having her hands holding your forearm. “She’s not safe with you.”

“It wasn’t meant for her, it was meant for your loser friend, Kurt.” Sebastian replied harshly. While your friends and your boyfriend were busy on discussing of what happened, you silently thought of how everything happened. The insults that your boyfriend was receiving from your friends just flew across your ears.

“Seb, I am cold.” You suddenly felt cold and you tightened your grip on your boyfriend’s arms. You felt him wrapping his arms around your cold body and you enjoyed the warm temperature that his body gave you, as you heard your friends commenting of how you called him and, obviously, for his gesture.

You were angry at Sebastian for his stupid and brainless actions, but you knew that he was regretting it and it wasn’t meant for you. He did something wrong, of course, and you are not tolerating him once you get better, but he was by your side, worrying. He cared for you and you knew that he always did, even after all those playful insults he told you in front of your friends.

“I’m bringing you to the hospital now, mon bébé.” You massacred your lower lip with your white teeth when you heard how he called you in front of your friends. “Don’t worry, okay?”

“Mon bébé?!” Your friends shouted in unison.

“Oui, mon bébé!” Sebastian confirmed that you two were in a relationship and you heard your friends talking about it. You then felt Sebastian carrying you in a bridal style, assuming that he was finally bringing you to the hospital.

“I’m sorry, love.” You heard him say, noises weren’t heard anymore as the cold breeze of the outside air hit your freezing cold body.

“Asshole.” You playfully insulted him and you laughed afterwards.

“Okay, I deserved that.” He let out a giggle as he put you on his car’s passenger seat.

“You better know it.” You pouted and he let out another giggle.

“Stay still.” You did what he told you to do and you heard the car’s door slammed.

“I love you, (Y/N)!” He sweetly said as he caressed your sweet and red cheeks.

“You’re not buying my love just like that, Smythe, even though you’re worrying for me.” You didn’t hear him talk for awhile, but then you laughed out loud. “You’re in serious troubles.”

“I know.” He shortly answered.

“And I love you too.” You then smiled at him and you felt his warm lips touched your sticky and sweet forehead.

“I know that too.” You both snorted as he started his car.

You knew that Sebastian was an asshole, but you loved him just like that. He never meant to hurt you, but whenever he did, even though it was an accident, he was always by your side and he will never leave you, not even after he accidentally revealed your secret relationship.


NDE

For @sixpenceee
When I was little, like 9 or 10, I was almost constantly sick. I still have stomach problems, but it was bad when I was younger. In hospitals and such, etc
I was lying in my bed during one of my worse days, and I suddenly blacked out
I saw what would’ve happened if I did die. I saw my funeral and my family cleaning out my room afterwards. I watched teachers and friends discuss it I was suddenly very aware. Of what? I don’t know. But I knew everything without having to even think.
I wandered aimlessly through this dream state, just observing the grieving process
Now keep in mind I was about 9, so this wasn’t something that I could really make up since I didn’t know about grief or the afterlife yet
At some point I came to a spot in the sky. Like heaven? It was space, though. I watched myself in paradise, above the world. I saw gold cities and deceased family members like my great grandma. I saw lakes and trees and stars. So many stars. I used to tell my mom when I was little then I’ve been to the stars and she had no clue what I meant. I saw great power and leftover suffering from life. I felt kindness and awareness. I knew where I was but I didn’t. This wasn’t full heaven, though. I didn’t fully die. I didn’t see all of it.
I felt a cold hand touch my shoulder, and someone smiled at me. An angel or something
Then I was jolted back into reality
Haven’t really been sick to the point of hospitalization after that honestly
Idk what happened, but I thought that it was a fun and interesting story. I have descriptions of what I saw in my heaven in full detail but I won’t go into that now
Interpret it how you want I guess. Enjoy

Bellarke - WHAT WAS HE GONNA SAY?

*throwback to Spacewalker, honestly* @mego42 will understand!


You know, that final scene on the beach is a slow burner. Obviously, I loved it in the moment. But it was so short, and so soft, that it didn’t hit me hard like some of their other scenes. The more I think about it though, the more essential it becomes.

Do I think Bellamy was about to confess his love for Clarke, in a LET’S MAKE OUT way? No. I don’t.

Bellamy was very calm, very mellow. IMO, if he was about to go all out on the romantic front he wouldn’t have been so. He would have been more agitated, more jumpy. (EDIT: THAT BEING SAID, I HAVE JUST FLASHBACKED TO MY LOST DAYS…and IDK why but I always feel like Imma lose friends when I remind the world that I was #Jate for lyf. So suddenly I’m remembering the S3 finale where Jack just turned to her all chill from out of nowhere and shrugged and said ‘Because I love you’ and honestly, maybe we are at a point where a mellow and chill Bellamy just puts it out there like that?? MAYBE WE ARE?)

I think that Bellamy is feeling very fatalistic right now. When Clarke asked him ‘you still have hope’ he gave her what she needed. But 4x04 onwards have really emphasised how tired Bellamy is, and how aware of time running out he is. He’ll keep fighting to keep people alive, but I also think that he believes he - and maybe all of them - will be dead very soon. He expresses this pretty succintly in reference to Octavia. I think he knows, on a level, that Clarke is right. Given time, his relationship with O will heal. But there is no time. He thinks that he is going to die and Octavia is going to hate him.

When Clarke says ‘she’ll see how special you are’ it’s not because she’s pulling him back from a break down. And she’s calm too! Mellow too! She says it because it is how it is. It’s so natural and easy for her to tell Bellamy that he is special.

Bellamy’s long look at her is everything to me. We’ve had moments like this before…I’m specifically thinking of 3x15 and ‘but I trust you.’ So it’s not a shock to Bellamy, really (I think it will always be a little bit of a shock to him just because he is who he is) but coupled with how he’s feeling about O, about their chances…

WHAT’S IN HIS HEAD. Definitely I love this girl. I know, I know…I said I didn’t think he was about to make a big declaration…but LOVE is all over everything Bellarke, and has been for a while. She’s everything to me? She’s special too, and I need her to know that? I couldn’t have survived without her? If I die, I need her to keep fighting and living and to find happiness one day?

THIS IS A GREAT BIG RAMBLING MESS, BUT…THAT SCENE DUDES.

And then Clarke just…IMMEDIATELY SHUTS HIM DOWN. And I think there is so much to say here about Bellarke v Clarke’s scene with Niylah. For Clarke, sleeping with and finding comfort in Niylah is a situation without risk. There are no strings attached, it makes her feel better, and also…Niylah is just super nice. So Clarke can touch her, Clarke can show her that affection…

Obviously, Clarke’s relationship with Bellamy is on another level (even if you were to deny romance) and it strikes me how much Bellarke DON’T touch each other. She comes to stand beside him on the beach, and there’s space between them. They even struggle to FACE each other, and dude…that threw me back to 2x16. Clarke looks at him, but HAS to look away. Bellamy looks at her when she isn’t looking. And only when he is about to declare, does he turn his full body to face her.

AND SHE SHUTS IT DOWN.

Because she knows! She knows that he’s trying to say goodbye, and she will not accept that. She nopes out of that like whoa. She won’t even consider it. With Niylah it was a conversation and a request, but with Bellamy it’s just NOPE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT. WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

THEY ARE SKATING AROUND IT YOU GUYS. They both know SOMETHING, and they’re both approaching it in different ways.

Clarke can’t face it, can’t think about it, because they WILL survive. But Bellamy is starting to turn the other way…

WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS POST? IDK. BASICALLY I AM FEELINGS ALL OF THE THINGS.