home develop

Kathy Johnson’s Facebook Letter

Kathy Johnson Clarke·Friday, November 17, 2017
What’s on my mind? A lot. Here goes.
Predators know their way around good mothers and fathers. They know their way around any environment or program not created specifically to keep them out. If steps aren’t taken to deny a predator, pedophile or abuser access to young people that person can seek out the most vulnerable, naive, trusting, spirited, reckless or rebellious among the unsuspecting.  Just as many of those qualities exist in most young people a skillful predator can use them against their prey.
There has been gross negligence on the part of many, which is what created the culture in which really exceptional kids with unsuspecting parents, many of whom were good, involved, invested, loving parents while some may have been to varying degrees either less involved, caught up in their child’s gymnastics development or success, or simply “flying blind”, completely trusting, and unaware of potential dangers. If people insist on asking or telling victims “why did you, why didn’t you, if only you, if only your mom or dad, didn’t you know…the list goes on and on and on, we will NEVER create the safest possible environment because we are shutting down the very people we need to listen to and learn from.  
It’s just not as simple as being “blessed” with a good mother, father, coach or having some super power to ward off anyone seeking to take advantage of you. If we think like that it further shames victims, which is EXACTLY what their abuser depends on. That and fear.
I am truly happy for those left unscathed and whole, but I am in touch with those who were not and are not. It is for them to tell their own stories, but I will remark on one who was lucky. She got spooked by what we now know was “grooming” and done to lure her into trusting her coach’s “methods” to improve her gymnastics. She bolted. Coach told us she had mental problems and it was too hard for her to train and live away from home. We believed him. She left her dream, the place where she was happy and wanted to be, and didn’t tell the other girls because she didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to ruin everyone else’s experience there. It was such a fun place. Fortunately, her father reported it to USGF. Unfortunately, the story gets fuzzy there.
Now I wonder about some of the other girls and the stories I was told about why they abruptly left so many years ago, just as I wonder about the “stories” my teammates heard when I left. I was not a victim of sexual abuse, but I now know some who were. At best, it was a dysfunctional, albeit fun and unique, place to live, train and go after big dreams. At worst, it was a recipe for disaster, a nightmare for some.
Because we normalized what I now know to be grooming type behaviors by creating a big gray area in which we lived, played, trained, joked and grew up, a predator could easily cross over the line without someone noticing. Because there were other types of abuse that were normalized – verbal, psychological and emotional abuse, over-training, over-dieting, under-eating, exhaustion, injuries and questionable motivational methods – most girls didn’t know the difference between healthy and unhealthy, positive or negative reinforcement, and more dangerously, normal grown up behavior and creepy, inappropriate, even criminal behavior. To make matters worse they had no idea how, when or if they should confide in someone, much less to whom they should turn. They simply quit, went home, endured it, developed other issues or problems that masked or hid it, then buried it for years, if not forever.
Now, with that tale in mind insert elite gymnasts, the toughest athletes on the planet, training and sacrificing all to fulfill HUGE dreams to make World and Olympic Teams in an increasingly competitive atmosphere and the “work hard, focus, don’t whine or complain, endure anything and everything you can to be the best you can be” mentality is increased exponentially, and you see where we find ourselves today.
Had it not happened at our National Training Center or to the stars in our sport, and had those incredibly brave young women not had the courage to come forward and speak out for themselves and others who may or may not tell their stories, we could have continued to do too little, too late, to really change the culture that allowed all this to fester and grow.
I believe more will come forward. Please open your ears, eyes, minds and hearts and listen. And as you do, know this:
Abuse is complicated, insidious and achingly more prevalent than people realize. By simplifying it or believing that if only they had done “x” or been “y” or had “z” they would have been safe we do more harm to those who were so damaged by someone they trusted, believed in, and even loved, and more important, we empower the abusers!
Ask yourself, do you WANT abuse victims to keep their painful stories to themselves, to hold on to it forever because it is old news, uncomfortable to hear or about someone you know, like or want to continue to believe in and respect? Two of my coaches are on the banned list. I loved both of them even when they weren’t perfect or hurt me in other ways. I can forgive them for those. But, until they fall to their knees and say how horribly WRONG and deeply SORRY they are to have preyed on my friends, teammates, or fellow gymnasts and offer the entire gymnastics community an apology I stand with and alongside the survivors, and I stand for culture change and bright line rules to educate, prevent, report and prosecute abuse.

pluto & where you transform/ find power

~Pluto is the last generational planet and has the slowest orbit around the signs. Therefore, while some common generational themes can be found in the sign placements, the house placement should be focused on more when it comes to interpreting the individual. Most people here have their Pluto in Scorpio or Sagittarius. Ruled by Scorpio, Pluto shows what changes/truths you seek, how and where you transform yourself, the thin veil between powerfulness and powerlessness. Plutonian change is not as societal as Uranus’ systematic dismantling, but rather more internal, ruthless and intensely reformative.

Pluto in signs (more generational):


Transforming in….

Aries ♈: … an urgent, driven, bold way. themes of asserting independence
Taurus ♉: … a steady, enduring, collected way. themes of materialism
Gemini ♊: … a versatile, adaptable, communicative way. themes of exposed information and ideas
Cancer ♋: … an emotional, protective, defensive way. themes of intracommunity changes
Leo ♌: … a dramatic, creative, optimistic way. themes of indulgence
Virgo ♍: … a critical, practical, analytical way. themes of precision and self-mastery
Libra ♎: … a diplomatic, peaceful, harmonious way. themes of justice and fairness
Scorpio ♏: … a secretive, deep, intense way. themes of obsession and research discoveries
Sagittarius ♐: … a freedom-seeking, idealistic, expansive way. themes of travel/exploration and higher learning
Capricorn ♑: … a pragmatic, calculated, measured way. themes of industrialism and businesses
Aquarius ♒: … an unconventional, original and detached way. themes of humanitarianism and elitism
Pisces ♓: … a transcendental, sacrificial, idealistic way. themes of spirituality and addiction

Pluto in the houses (more specific to the individual):

Power struggles in or transformation within/through….

1st 🏠: … the self and the lifestyle. / constant regeneration of outlook and maybe appearance, feelings of alienation are possible. you are perceptive, aware of and sensitive to power struggles in your life. you find yourself holding many secrets for you feel powerful possessing knowledge that no one else does. you therefore prefer to keep your life private and keep things under wraps. you come off as intense, mysterious and have a magnetic presence that others are fascinated by. you may find yourself drawn to psychology and investigative research… you love a complex challenge.

2nd 🏠: … your self-worth and the acquisition of resources. / you may find your possession and resources constantly taken or ‘stolen’ from you, or otherwise inconsistent. you are insecure about your value and may find yourself often worrying about financial stability. you are incredibly resourceful though, and just as capable of getting the finances you lost back.. obsessive about wealth and acquiring possessions, you put in much effort in achieving the stability you seek. you may find yourself constantly throwing things out to get new things… you experience a lot of fundamental changes in your values and principles, maybe even appearance. may have a strong, booming voice that is lower in pitch

3rd 🏠: … communication and thoughts. / inquisitive & curious, you are a deep, pensive thinker and have an incredible perceptive awareness and analytical appreciation of things. you find yourself fascinated by new topics and may be prone to obsessive thinking.. regardless, you have a need to be heard and you communicate in a powerful, intelligent way that makes people listen. your ideas have much depth and ruthless wisdom. learning is a transformative experience to you and you may find yourself an extremely knowledgeable/high-achieving student. linked to educational investigative research & linguistics

4th 🏠: … the childhood and the domestic life. / you may have experienced a intense/turbulent past or a childhood with controlling, authoritarian figures that made you feel powerless. you may have deeply repressed desires because of this or are reserved and secretive about your background as a result, developing much protective armouring.. now you feel a need to subtly be in control of family traditions/in control of your ‘inner circle’; a powerful head of house. you are intensely protective of the people you consider a part of that inner circle. you likely have an unusual domestic life. some with this placement experience a sudden change in homes, developing resourcefulness & resilience through changing environments.

5th 🏠: … self-expression and leisure. / you have a deep creativity and a strong, intense & dramatic manner of self expression. more inclined to take pleasure/leisurely activities and romance seriously. there a lot of shifts in the love life and you may find yourself swinging from extremes, going from intense and transformative relationships and lovers to none at all. capable of forming extremely strong bonds with children or being very protective of your own. you may take pleasure in gambling or occult interests. possessive or obsessive lover

6th 🏠: … jobs and helping others. / obsessive concern over health & hygiene. you are passionate about servicing/helping others and do this through transformative means, may gravitate to psychology or therapy-related jobs as well as “inside” jobs (associated with spies). intense workaholic, you take your duties and work seriously. you may preoccupy yourself with work or helping others so much that you neglect your own health, self destructive tendencies that affect health are common with this placement.

7th 🏠: … partnerships and your interactions with others. / you are prone to having/gravitating to extreme and intense relationships - that’s where your passion is most apparent. destructive, obsessive, possessive lover/attracts destructive, obsessive, possessive partners (romantic or otherwise). similarly, may be controlling or attract controlling partners. you have good investigative skills and an ability to uncover secrets from others. you look for intimacy and depth in your interactions. you may be a lone wolf or have a dramatic social life. you’re reserved and private about your relationships because you hold their transformative powers dear.

8th 🏠: … your legacy and your intimate relationships. / you may have obsessive or compulsive tendencies and desires. capable of extreme regeneration and powerful inner transformation. passionate sexuality or strong intimate needs. you have a perceptive, psychic sensitivity and awareness. you are also capable of high self-control and discipline - empowers you and ignites you due to the potency of your powerful desires that you once thought were out of control. you don’t take things at face value which is why this placement is strongly associated with psychology, healing and investigative research; you look beyond the surface, aren’t afraid to dig deep or get your hands dirty. you’re resourceful, measured and calculated. resilient and not easily scared off, you can overcome extreme or adverse situations. you do have a tendency to expose hidden matters within yourself and others though, which may land you in trouble…

9th 🏠: … your beliefs and spiritual exploration. / you may be extremely religious or deeply attracted to spirituality or philosophy. expansion is fascinating to you and you have a strong drive to explore new horizons/pursue higher learning. if you do manage to pursue this, you might find yourself adept at or drawn to subjects that ‘uncover’ and expose hidden or secret matters, or subjects that have depth and insight on ‘taboo’/untalked about matters like life and death. you are unafraid of new or unfamiliar experiences, in fact you find them quite empowering. you are likely interested in exploring places that have a lot of history, depth or obscure legends in them. this placement is linked to archaeology, criminology, teaching & medicine.

10th 🏠: … the public image and the career. / you project a powerful, intense persona and come off as intimidating to others. your aspirations are high and you are ruthlessly ambitious. you have a magnetic presence that demands recognition and works hard for it… you look for powerful/high authority positions and likely aspire to be the boss. you are sensitive to power struggles in the workplace and are calculated in approaching such situations… sometimes you attract such opposition and challenges from others, for the public perception of you is controversial and divided. you can be self-serving and greedy but you are capable of incredible resourcefulness in your climb to the​ top. observant, very perceptive and may have a natural affinity with subjects that require insightful depth like psychology and (surprise) astrology. good investigative skills; you probe beyond the surface. celebrities with this placement can be very controlling of their public image. linked to career crises and you find power in overcoming them

11th 🏠: … the community and your circle of friends. / you are loyal and protective of your friends, capable of forming intense & deep bonds but you like to have power over them and tend to be lone wolf due to your controlling nature & seeming unapproachable. regardless, you are incredibly perceptive of changes in your environment and you find communities and friendships incredibly transforming. you like to change/manipulate group dynamics. you also have very fixed and potentially extreme ideals and views that may attract opposition from others - no matter, your persuasive skills are subtle but powerful. you may find power in forming friendships in outlandish, unusual places..

12th 🏠: … the subconscious and your solitude. / you face deep internal transformations in your alone time - a rich, and intense inner life that you may be inclined to keep hidden. repressed violent urges may manifest in your dreams. there’s a lot about yourself you may be unaware of that you will only learn through deep introspection and contemplation. you find great power behind the scenes and are inclined to isolate yourself from the ‘spotlight’/confining chains of society. you are pensive, secretive and incredibly layered. be careful of your suppressed rage - you can be unaware of how angry you are and it comes up in volcanic outbursts..

These are all my own interpretations, for more posts like this please follow @jupiteronic

Bulk Film: 101

What is bulk film and why should you use it: A guide to saving money while shooting more film!

If there’s one thing film shooters know, it’s that film is expensive. It’s not as much as buying a Phase One medium format DSLR, but it’s still far more expensive than it used to be in the days or yore. Of course developing your own film at home can save you heaps on lab processing fees, but what about saving on actual film?

One of the easiest ways to save money when shooting 35mm film is to invest in bulk loading equipment. While it may technically be possible, bulk loading 120 film would not be practical for multiple reasons, particularly spooling and backing paper. However for 35mm, the process is quite simple and helps you get a lot more bang for your buck.

What is bulk film?

Bulk film is a massive roll of 35mm film that you load into empty cassettes and cut on on your own. It usually comes in 100 ft rolls, allowing you to spool between 18-20 rolls of 36 exposure film. The actual number of rolls you get from a bulk roll will depend on the type of loader you have.

So just as an example, as of February 2016 a 100ft roll of Ilford HP5 Plus 400 runs around $69. If we go on the lower end and divide by 18 rolls, that means you pay $3.83 per roll of 36 exposure. Currently, Ilford offers a 5-pack for $29.99 or $5.99 per roll, and single rolls at $8.99. Now let’s look at a 100ft roll of Ultrafine 400 black and white film, which currently sells at $35.95; again on the low end of 18 rolls you’d now be paying $1.99 per roll of 36 exposure. That’s literally cheaper than film was in the 80s and 90s - no joke.

As you can see the savings add up quickly with bulk film, even after taking into account the supplies needed to to it.  A home darkroom or complex equipment isn’t necessary to load your own bulk film. The process is surprisingly easy and economic, which is why it’s such a great option for saving money if you shoot a lot.

Here’s what you need to roll your own bulk film:

To take the above price comparisons further, let’s say you buy a set of empty cassettes for $19.95 and a bulk film daylight loader for $59, plus two 100 ft rolls of the aforementioned Ilford HP5 Plus 400, you’re still only paying $6 per roll and that will continue to go down the more you shoot since you already have the loading equipment. (Side note: you can also use a regular bulk film loader with a dark bag or a light-proof room if you happen to have one.)

Canister vs. Cassette

There can be some confusion for new film shooters between canisters and cassettes, particularly because both are available in bulk. Cassettes, pictured above, are the metal containers that hold the film. You’ll absolutely need these to roll your bulk film and put it in your camera. Canisters, however, are the plastic containers that hold your film cassettes. They can be practical for storing your film, protecting from moisture and organizing. While they are recommended, they are not essential for rolling or shooting bulk film.

Black and White Vs. Color

While it used to be possible to find some types of color film available in bulk, most have been discontinued. Black and white is far more common - making it both easier to find and easier to deal with. If you get your black and white film developed in a lab, they can keep your cassettes and return them to you with your negatives and contact sheets (or scans.) If you do manage to find some bulk color film, more power to you!

Have a look at this awesome video from Matt Day on How To Load Bulk Film:

*Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you decide to make a purchase through those links, ISSF receives a small commission. This in no way affects our editorial decision making process.

Maeve does not intend to kill Aelin

**ToD Spoilers**

I just realized…Maeve hasn’t kidnapped Aelin to punish or torture or kill her or get some sick revenge on Brannon…

Maeve kidnapped Aelin because she’s scared as hell of Erawan coming for her and dragging her back to her own dark world. Maeve isn’t going to try to kill Aelin, she’s going to try to break her, to enslave her, to use her fire as a shield against Erawan and the valg that follow him.

Maeve is one demonic b****, but I have to admit that she’s hardcore af to use the weapon that she’s most afraid of to ward off her enemies.

Touka and Kaneki a Step in the Right Direction

Touka and Kaneki are two characters in Tokyo Ghoul that in many ways have created a chemical reaction. Sometimes they are able to come together and make something useful but other times they cause an explosion. Touka and Kaneki are two characters who are similar but have reacted to their world differently. 

They are both lonely being raised by a single parent after the sudden death of the other, and the parent who raised them left permanent scars. Touka was raised by a hypocrite who told her that humans were to be cherished as he killed them behind her back. He would later leave home one night and never come home leaving Touka to develop abandonment issues, as she never felt good enough to keep her father around. She also kept her fathers lessons close to her heart and whenever she strayed she thought of herself as a monster.

Kaneki was raised by a mother who treated him kindly with conditions, as long as he was quiet and a good boy she treated him fine. But god forbid he acted like a normal child and didn’t think of his mothers issues he was abused. Then on top of that his mother died so suddenly that he felt abandoned and his foster family in his aunt made him a recluse which made him feel worse. Kaneki also carried around the twisted message of letting himself get hurt for the sake of others.

Touka and Kaneki grew from this so differently, Touka turned bitter towards that life before she was able to examine herself, and find peace with her lifestyle. Kaneki on the other hand internalized his frustrations acting like he was at piece with his life on the outside, but he was tearing himself apart on the inside. They developed opposite of each other, as Touka matured Kaneki fell apart. They worked so well together in the beginning because in the first part of tg they had similar development. Kaneki and Touka were trying to figure out what it meant to be a ghoul. Kaneki was trying to learn what his new life of a ghoul had for him, and Touka was learning that she could live a normal life away from the violent circle of hatred. Their paths meshed together so they grew together until a the same sunlight in a way.

However, as much as they grew together, they also grew closer together, the more their faults started to creep up on them both. Touka wanted to protect Kaneki because he was once human. But as Touka did that Kaneki became more concerned and decided to protect her at the cost of himself.

But in Kaneki’s need to protect her he hit her weakest emotional cord, abandonment. He told her he wasn’t going to go home with her, and told her she couldn’t help him and asked Tsukiyama and Banjou to go with him in front of her. All her childhood insecurities came back in that moment, she wasn’t good enough and it hurt her.

It was at this point that they developed separate from each other, where Touka became a normal high school girl and Kaneki became a serial killer and gang boss. They developed into two completely different paths and they didn’t know how to approach each other. When they met up again it showed through their conversation which inevitably resulted in Kaneki lying about being fine and Touka hitting him and telling him he hates how he changed. This exact moment triggered both of their childhood trauma’s. Touka with her issues of her not being good enough for her father and how he couldn’t confide in her. Causing her to lash out against everything he taught her, and Kaneki with his abuse and him doing exactly what she wanted from him.

However, because of the Anteiku raid they never got to reconcil, so thus three years go by and Kaneki is reborn as Haise. They developed apart and had a fresh start as Touka the waitress and Haise the investigator. This is so important because this is the time that without the burden of a past they fell for each other. This taught Touka a very important lesson, that she cares for Kaneki enough to let him go, but that she still cares for him and that not every change in him is bad. Kaneki learned that he has a permanent home in Touka one that she won’t take away based on conditions because even after she said she hated his change she gave him a place to return.

Then Kaneki changed again to a highly suicidal Kaneki, willing to die to be cool, to protect others. He hit his lowest low of the series and it was in that moment Touka said three words the struck him “See you later.” which he thought was cruel because he wanted to die. Touka knew but wanted him to understand the meaning of that and it caused him to hesitate to doubt, which lead to him making a change of heart during their fight with Arima. 

Kaneki and Touka are two characters that develop off of each other, they bring out the best and worst in each other. They both hit cords in each other, but they also can heal wounds that they never realized they had. This conversation between them in this chapter is an important example of that. Touka admits her man issue with Kaneki, which is the fact that he always leaves her. Something she never understood and something she keeps trying to fix to no avail. Then he tells her that it was to protect her, because he didn’t want to cause her trouble where she would end up dead.

 Then he asked her to come with him, which filled the void that she had for so long. Touka also helped fill one for Kaneki as well, which was his loneliness. I’m not saying that Touka is a cure for his problems but through her confession she showed him that she cared. Which shocked him like he couldn’t even believe, that someone cared for him.

I think that the most amazing thing that even if he doesn’t accept the feelings romantically its important for him to know. Kaneki isn’t in any shape or form mentally to be with someone, he’s someone living for the moment holding onto a fragile string to survive. But for someone who has craved being loved for so long, it’s something he needed to here, that someone accepts him with his faults and respects his decision for death even if they don’t agree and don’t want him to die.

This is so important because Touka and Kaneki have reached the moment where they realized the mistakes that they made that caused the other hurt. They were able to talk about it and reach a positive note for both of them, and I excited with how this will help them develop positively moving forward.