home brews

Godly Threesome

DMing a home brew game that I’ve set in Egypt, where my party will have random encounters with Egyptian gods disguised as humans in need of favors. Party is currently in a bar and one player (Water Nymph Mage - who has proclaimed her character is an athiest) takes notice of two rather attractive NPCs.

Mage: I walk over to (NPC name) and (NPC name) and start flirting with them.

DM: Roll seduction.

Mage crits.

DM: Both are immediately enthralled by you and offer to let you share their room with them for the night.

Mage: *laughing* I accept.

DM: I’m leaving the nights…activities, to your fucked up perverted imagination. Anyway, the next morning arises and you wake to find both are gone, and you have a nasty headache. Upon entering the bathroom to search for painkillers, you notice two things. One, you are still shirtless, and two, because you are still shirtless you can see two, very distinctly different, tattoos now inked onto either side of your hips.

Mage: *confused* What happened-

DM: Role a history check.

*rolls 18*

DM: You quickly realize that these new tattoos are in fact, the religious runes that represent the gods Anubis and Set, respectively. Congratulations, you just had a Threesome with Gods.

Mage (OOC): Can I change my religion?

anonymous asked:

I know Steve gets in a lot of dumb fights now, but what was the stupidest fight he got into pre-serum?

we grew up mostly during the prohibition, when alcohol was illegal. i mean, it was still pretty easy to get your hands on some, because people like alcohol, but most of it tasted awful, because it was home-brewed to be as strong as possible.
anyway, stevie and i got a bit of some really terrible hooch and squirreled ourselves away to get drunk. it took steve about four drinks to be totally wasted, and it turns out steve is a pretty entertaining drunk, with crazy fast mood swings and a tendency to want to touch things, just to see how they felt. he was wandering around the apartment trying to figure out if dark colors or light colors felt better, and he wanted to see if my hair–a nice dark color, versus his light blonde–felt nice. so i let him run his hand over the top of my head, and i was teasing him because he had all the fine motor control of a baby, so he’d made a mess of my hair. i think i said something like ‘my hair’s terrible now, stevie, and now nobodys gonna respect me’ and steve went ‘NO!! you have nice hair bucky your hair is GREAT it is SO GREAT.’ which was nice of him, because my hair really was a mess.

 and then he punched me.

he punched me several times. 

drunk steve is not much of a brawler so he didnt do much damage before i tipped him over and sat on him. it wasnt much of a fight. but if youre looking for stupid, attacking me to defend my own hair is probably one for the history books.

sometimes i miss wee steve, because big steve thinks my hair is ridiculous. i bet if tiny drunk steve were around, hed try and fight captain america to defend my hair’s honor. now that’d be a fight worth watching

The thing about Damianos Akielos is that he is a Hot Commodity. There’s probably a 30 page waiting list out there of people who want a chance to date him. The only problem is that since the age of fourteen, he’s never been single for more than a week. A week!

“He sounds great,” the bartender says, polishing a glass. Laurent realises that he’s been speaking out loud. He is drunk. He also realises that this bartender - Rick, or Mick, or Mike, or whatever his nametag says, words are a little blurry at this point - doesn’t realise the magnitude of the situation at hand.

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Anything you can do...

So, some context… Our DM, Bard and Ranger have played together for years and the Thief and I (Cleric) just joined up a few sessions ago. We all love music and the Bard and DM decided to try and throw us for a loop… We use small yellow flags to indicate when we’re not in character, so they started ‘arguing’ OOC and well… this happened.

Bard: Anything you can do Bards can do better, Bards can do anything better than you

DM: No, they can’t

Bard: Yes, they can

DM: No, they can’t

Bard: Yes, they can

DM: No, they can’t

Bard: Yes, they can! Yes, they can!

DM: Anything Bards can be I will be greater. Sooner or later I’m greater than them

Bard: No, you’re not

DM: Yes, I am

Bard: No, you’re not

DM: Yes, I am

Bard: No, you’re not

DM: Yes, I am, yes I am

(Of course they had the ‘yellow flags’ up that we used to indicate that they were OOC… The Ranger decided to speak up, and forgot to use his flag, so we ran with it IC.)

Ranger: I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge

Bard: I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow

Thief: I can live on bread and cheese (He sounded so proud of himself for managing to get something into the exchange…)

Ranger: And only on that?

Thief: Yup!

Cleric: *rolls eyes and sounds so unimpressed* So can a rat (I couldn’t resist)

Thief: *mutters* I walked right into that one.

DM OOC: D&D home-brew the musical… Coming this fall to Broadway.

Everyone needed a break after that, we were all laughing too hard to talk.

Colovian Ginger Beer

As the most luxurious establishment in the Imperial City, the Tiber Septim Hotel is famed for its fine food and drink, much of which is made fresh on premises. One of their most popular beverages is their ginger beer, brewed in-house with other spices picked from the region. This drink is non-alcoholic, calms the digestive system, and is not too sweet. Perfect when paired with sweetcakes or a cheese platter!

You will need:
5 stalks ginger root, washed and peeled
4 cups pure water
¼ cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 stick cinnamon
½ teaspoon dried cloves
½ tsp cream of tartar
1 tsp dry yeast
1 ½ cups brown sugar

Grate three stalks of your ginger root finely, and roughly chop the other two stalks. Set aside the chunks for later.

In a pot, bring the water, ginger, lemon juice, cloves, and cinnamon to a boil. Add the cream of tartar and water, then bring to a full boil for five minutes.

Remove from the heat to cool, and add the sugar and stir until completely dissolved. When your brew is just above room temperature, add the yeast. Stir once again, then cover the pot with a cloth and leave somewhere dark and cool for two to three hours for the mixture to settle.

Place the ginger chunks from earlier into the bottom of a clean 2 liter plastic bottle (do not use glass as it may explode from the pressure). Strain your ginger beer mixture and pour into the bottle, leaving about ¼ free space as gas will form as it ferments.

Set aside in a cool dark space for three days, and every day release any gas buildup by simply unscrewing the bottle for a couple of minutes to release the pressure.

When ready to serve, place your brew in the fridge or serve over ice. Be sure not to shake your bottle! If it is not sweet enough for you, add a shot of simple sugar syrup and stir.

The Ultimate T-Bag

Ok here’s some context first. I have two players ,one of which plays a Shade Assassin and the other plays a Half-Griffin Barbarian. These games are really home-brew oriented with me as a DM. The shade is attempting to kill a dirty politician, and the barbarian is so gullible that he’s convinced to join the Assassin. They meet an enemy assassin and end up getting his health points down really low.

Shade: I take my last shot with a lightning arrow. (Rolls Nat 20)

Me: How would you like to do this?

Shade: Give me a sec, I’m trying to figure out how to do something. Is there any rope nearby?

Me (curious): Sure… there’s some rope to the left of you.

Shade: I tie the rope around my waist and then to the arrow. My weight is only 13 pounds so this should work.

Half-Griffin: I’m… I’m so confused…

Shade: I then shoot the arrow and hit him with the arrow and my pelvic area.

Me, laughing so loudly that there are stares: You know what… Fine. You fly across the air, the lightning luckily not touching you. The arrow embeds into him and you them slam it all the way through, killing him.

Half-Griffin: I think bards will sing of this tale through the ages.

Monster Mondays 10: The Ghost

When to introduce a Ghost into your campaign.

Simply put, a Ghost is perfect for a party at any collective level because they are better suited for role-play encounters, with the possibility for a combat in your side pocket. While you don’t need to fully understand all the intricacies of death in your home-brew world before starting a campaign, you may want to put some thought into what happens when people die. 

The DMN says that souls travel to the deity of their alignment in life after death, and that the Ethereal Plane is a transitive world spirits (and eventually the PCs) can travel through. With this in mind, bring a Ghost into your game when you’d like to introduce other planes of existence in a safe way, before your players are really able to travel through them. Set up that player knowledge by showing what this monster can do.

 If you’d like your world to feel bigger, introduce a Ghost: an undead who is denied their afterlife and remain here with us. Their existence implies there is something greater, and that a peaceful end isn’t guaranteed. 

How to introduce a Ghost into your campaign.

Ghosts, in popular culture and folklore, either haunt a particular location or person, and they are either aware of their denial of an afterlife or are oblivious of their situation entirely. In my campaign, Ghosts obsess over one emotion: either grief, anger, or fear. These were their last moments in life, and it guides my role-play lines with the players. 

I also make it a rule that all ghosts are ‘locked in time’ and so they refuse or cannot understand events that took place after their death. Through dialogue, Ghosts can drop hints about plot points from the perspective of someone from long ago, a perfect interview subject. 

If you’d like to use Ghosts in combat, I typically warn the players of their Horrifying Visage ability through storytelling. Leave clues or have the Ghost warn them not to insult them further, etc. before firing off a spell that could potentially kill Human characters. Remember that there are other Ghost-like undead that can probably put up a better fight, so lean on Ghosts for good role-play moments during combat instead of daring feats… although any Possession-like ability is frightening to anybody. 

So my D&D squad is 8 players (9 if you count myself as the DM) and we have the craziest fuckin party

We have a lesbian bard who plays the bagpipes and is constantly popping buttons on her shirt, a werewolf tiefling Sorcerer edgelord who somehow seduced a succubus by crying, a dragonborn Sorcerer who flashed his dick to a bunch of mermaids, a gay half- dragon elf with one leg, a half-erotic elf with accuracy issues who accidentally shot half the party and stabbed his npc girlfriend, a drunk gnome who keeps getting stolen by various flying creatures, a literal tree who fights with a spoon, and a home brew class human who built a catapult, cut off her finger, launched herself at a kraken, and punch it to death

And then there’s the recurring NPCs which are a literal succubus, the tiefling/succubus lesbian power couple’s adopted angel baby, a pregnant bard, a pregnant boar (they ran into the god of fertility), a young fairy dragon that the dragonborn adopted as his son, a dog made from a cactus, a six armed snake demon lady who adopted the tiefling, the general of a successful rebellion who vomits when he sees blood, a former boxer, the former boxer’s minor god boyfriend, an angel, and a blind wyvern the human befriended

Every session is chaos

Some suggestions for DND Shows!

Since The Adventure Zone is coming to a close, i figured that i should suggest some shows that are also role playing game centered story telling. Some of these shows i absolutely adore, some i have any seen a small amount of and some i only know second hand information on. The brackets after the name of the show is the network/creator of the show. 

Swan Song: (Rollplay) A show that uses the system Stars Without Numbers. It’s a crazy and amazing space adventure. It’s got super diverse characters and npcs and an amazingly fleshed out world, it also has my favorite DM ever. Personally this show is something i adore so so much. It might be my favorite series ever. The show has such a diverse cast of characters and the world is amazing and i adore it so so much. The show is officially finished about around 50, 4 hour episodes. At the start of each episode the hosts start with a small amount of banter that some people may want to skip. This show also has a pre show where the DM plays the NPC turn before the game starts which gives the viewer some behind the scenes look. This supplemental show is not required by any means and it can be found here (CW: none that i can remember, although, the first episode the players are still learning that game so it’s slightly rocky, but it’s most likely that the viewer will be learning the system too. This first episode is still very entertaining though)

Apocalypse World (Series 1 and Series 2 (pilot) + official series 2 episode 1): (Roll20) This show uses the Apocalypse World rule system, a personal favorite system of mine. If you are looking for a great show that has a cast of well developed world, characters and explores deep questions, all while being gloriously told. The characters portrayed in the show are extremely diverse, with multiple Non-binary characters. The players are also extremely diverse, including POC players and non-binary player in Series 1. Series 2 contains a lovely trans player and non-binary player. The majority of the cast is also queer, leading to lots and lots of LGBT characters. This show was one i watched live and i’ve drawn large amounts of fan art for it in my spare time, it’s something i adore so so much. The show also has a post show done by the DM if you would like to see the NPC turn and see more behind the scenes, it can be found here (series 1) and here (series 2). Both series are vaguely interconnected and don’t have to be watched together as the majority of their cross over is in Easter eggs and references. I feel the experience is heighten by watching them in order but it is not necessary. (CW: Series 1 has some descriptions of body horror, disease and some very minor description of dub-con. Series 2 has heavy heavy descriptions of body horror and gore. Series 1 had poor video quality to start with, but it gets much better quickly and isn’t too much of an issue)

High Rollers: (Yogscast) A home brew dungeons and dragons game. The characters are interesting and the story is very very well done and interesting. I personally i quite behind on the show but from what i have seen i absolutely adored it. The show is still ongoing currently.(CW: None that i can remember)

Dice, Camera, Action: (Wizards DND) A Dungeons and Dragons campaign run by the official Wizards Of The Coast. The story and characters are very interesting, and the cast includes youtubers who people may know (Commanderholly, Projared, NateWantsToBattle, Anna Prosser Robinson, etc). I am also behind on this show so i cannot vouch for its continued high quality. The show is still ongoing (CW: None that i can remember

Mirrorshades: (Rollplay) A show using Shadowrun 1st Edition. The show can be best described as if ‘Chaotic Neutral party turns badass cyber criminals into adorable rom-com’. It’s incredibly entertaining and surprisingly heart felt. The show has a diverse cast of NPCs and an extremely interesting world. Like, Swans Song the show has a small amount of banter at the start of each episode that may be skipped. The show has now finished. (CW: Fantastical racism, drug abuse, that’s all i can remember

Burning Wheel: (Roll20) A show using the Burning Wheel system. The show is incredibly interesting and well thought out. The players all have intense passion for the characters and the system. The world that has been detailed and extremely thought out. The players for the show are diverse, including many queer players, a trans player and a non-binary player. I am very behind on the show but with the cast i mind i doubt the quality has decreased in any way. The show is currently on going. (CW: The medieval ages sucked so many of the warnings that come along with that; sexism, fantastical racism, implications of CSA. Those are all i know currently.)

Heroes and Halfwits: (Rooster Teeth) A show using home brew dungeons and dragons 5th edition. I have not seen far into the show but by episode 3 i am finding it extremely amusing. Much of the humor comes in the form of the players arguing with each other and finding ways to screw each other over. The show is on going. (CW: None that i have seen so far i think)

The Sprawl: (Roll20) A show using the ‘the sprawl’ system. The show follows a rotating cast of characters in a dystopian cyberpunk future. The show touches on many issues relating to the themes of cyberpunk. The cast is diverse, including queer players, trans and non-binary players. The characters are all also extremely diverse, including many cannon LGBT characters. The show is currently on going but has not been updated in a short time due to scheduling issues with the cast. (CW: All the stuff that comes with cyberpunk, fantastical racism, mentions of trans character going through brief dysphoria

Those are just a few shows i suggest! I’m sure there’s many more but those are ones i have personally seen and enjoyed a lot! I hope this inspires some people to check these amazing shows out! Have a lovely day!