home brews

Go Go Christian Rangers!

So my campaign group did a session tonight.  We got to introduce a brand new character, a werebear sorcerer that is following the ancient blood path.  She sings annoying tunes when she speaks and is pretty much getting on everyone’s nerves.  While I do DM the game, I actually give the players a chance to take charge and decide what they really do over all.  The rest of the party is a Bard, a Half-Elf Cleric, a Dragonborn Necromancer, a Barbaric Gnome, and a Night Shadow Warlock.  We had all learned about how Power Rangers was added into the DnD campaign as part of the home brew earlier in the day so I wanted to add them in as a cameo.  The Necromancer was able to identify the 6 Power Rangers and informed the others of his information when the following happens;

Sorcerer: I roll to tell them about my religion, the Maker.

DM: Okay, roll a D20.

Sorcerer: *Natural 20*

DM: Fucking hell… So, the sorcerer sees the Power Rangers and starts screeching at them about her religion and her Lord The Maker from within the boat.  The 6 members were all enthralled with her spoken words about religion that they all now worship Jesus Christ by promoting violence through love and tolerance.

Entire Group: *Bursts out laughing*

Warlock: Okay… I’m going to roll and see if I can get them to believe in Cuthulu instead.  *Natural 20*

DM: So the Power Rangers then hears the annoying voice known to belong to the Warlock and are so moved by his speech about Cuthulu that they decided to drop Jesus Christ to worship him instead.  The entire group of 6 members turns on each other to honor their new Lord.  Zords are now being summoned to the battle to fight against one another.



DM: Now all 6 members are blinded from the sudden flash of bright light provided by the cleric.  Your party slowly continues to row down stream.

Refreshing Drink

I DM a group of new Dungeons and Dragons players in a home brewed Pathfinder game. The gnome cleric and rat folk swashbuckler were exploring a cave and found a shrine with a fountain dedicated to Bahamut . The rat folk decided to piss in it

Ratfolk: I pissed in the fountain and it turned back into water

Gnome: what was it before? piss?

Ratfolk: No, but should I drink it?

Gnome: Drink your piss?!?!

anonymous asked:

I know Steve gets in a lot of dumb fights now, but what was the stupidest fight he got into pre-serum?

we grew up mostly during the prohibition, when alcohol was illegal. i mean, it was still pretty easy to get your hands on some, because people like alcohol, but most of it tasted awful, because it was home-brewed to be as strong as possible.
anyway, stevie and i got a bit of some really terrible hooch and squirreled ourselves away to get drunk. it took steve about four drinks to be totally wasted, and it turns out steve is a pretty entertaining drunk, with crazy fast mood swings and a tendency to want to touch things, just to see how they felt. he was wandering around the apartment trying to figure out if dark colors or light colors felt better, and he wanted to see if my hair–a nice dark color, versus his light blonde–felt nice. so i let him run his hand over the top of my head, and i was teasing him because he had all the fine motor control of a baby, so he’d made a mess of my hair. i think i said something like ‘my hair’s terrible now, stevie, and now nobodys gonna respect me’ and steve went ‘NO!! you have nice hair bucky your hair is GREAT it is SO GREAT.’ which was nice of him, because my hair really was a mess.

 and then he punched me.

he punched me several times. 

drunk steve is not much of a brawler so he didnt do much damage before i tipped him over and sat on him. it wasnt much of a fight. but if youre looking for stupid, attacking me to defend my own hair is probably one for the history books.

sometimes i miss wee steve, because big steve thinks my hair is ridiculous. i bet if tiny drunk steve were around, hed try and fight captain america to defend my hair’s honor. now that’d be a fight worth watching

The thing about Damianos Akielos is that he is a Hot Commodity. There’s probably a 30 page waiting list out there of people who want a chance to date him. The only problem is that since the age of fourteen, he’s never been single for more than a week. A week!

“He sounds great,” the bartender says, polishing a glass. Laurent realises that he’s been speaking out loud. He is drunk. He also realises that this bartender - Rick, or Mick, or Mike, or whatever his nametag says, words are a little blurry at this point - doesn’t realise the magnitude of the situation at hand.

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Oh Brother

Back story: Home-brew D&D game. The party has been sent on a recon mission to scout out a camp of lizard men, and report back to the Monk’s monastery. We run into two scouts from said camp, and so we the mage managed to web them on the first round.  So I, the rouge, cast charm person on one of them. 

Rouge: Brother! I have been looking for you. I’ve been lost in the woods for weeks. Can you direct me to our camp?

*DM rolls save for the scout: Rolled a 2.*

Scout: Brother! I don’t understand why you webbed me, but you should know, the camp is a mile north of here. 

Rouge: Spirits be praised! Have we martialed enough forces yet? are we on the attack?

Scout: We have six months before we will have the forces to crush those who oppose us! But with you back, our forces grow stronger. 

*Meanwhile, the rest of the party has taken the scout’s partner aside and killed him. The barbarian then jumps to my “rescue” and starts attacking my scouty friend.*

Scout: Oh no! we’re under attack! RUN BROTHER! I will hold them off!

Rouge: Thank you brother, they will sing songs of your scarifice!

*Rouge flips into the bushes. Hides and waits two turns as the barbarian rolls 1 after 1 trying to hit the scout, then circles around behind for a devistating back-stab. 

Scout: Why brother?!

Rouge: OMG! I am so sorry, I was meant to hit the other guy!

DM: No way. Roll bluff check. (I roll a nat 20)  

The scout dies thinking it was an honest mistake. 

So my D&D squad is 8 players (9 if you count myself as the DM) and we have the craziest fuckin party

We have a lesbian bard who plays the bagpipes and is constantly popping buttons on her shirt, a werewolf tiefling Sorcerer edgelord who somehow seduced a succubus by crying, a dragonborn Sorcerer who flashed his dick to a bunch of mermaids, a gay half- dragon elf with one leg, a half-erotic elf with accuracy issues who accidentally shot half the party and stabbed his npc girlfriend, a drunk gnome who keeps getting stolen by various flying creatures, a literal tree who fights with a spoon, and a home brew class human who built a catapult, cut off her finger, launched herself at a kraken, and punch it to death

And then there’s the recurring NPCs which are a literal succubus, the tiefling/succubus lesbian power couple’s adopted angel baby, a pregnant bard, a pregnant boar (they ran into the god of fertility), a young fairy dragon that the dragonborn adopted as his son, a dog made from a cactus, a six armed snake demon lady who adopted the tiefling, the general of a successful rebellion who vomits when he sees blood, a former boxer, the former boxer’s minor god boyfriend, an angel, and a blind wyvern the human befriended

Every session is chaos

Monster Mondays 10: The Ghost

When to introduce a Ghost into your campaign.

Simply put, a Ghost is perfect for a party at any collective level because they are better suited for role-play encounters, with the possibility for a combat in your side pocket. While you don’t need to fully understand all the intricacies of death in your home-brew world before starting a campaign, you may want to put some thought into what happens when people die. 

The DMN says that souls travel to the deity of their alignment in life after death, and that the Ethereal Plane is a transitive world spirits (and eventually the PCs) can travel through. With this in mind, bring a Ghost into your game when you’d like to introduce other planes of existence in a safe way, before your players are really able to travel through them. Set up that player knowledge by showing what this monster can do.

 If you’d like your world to feel bigger, introduce a Ghost: an undead who is denied their afterlife and remain here with us. Their existence implies there is something greater, and that a peaceful end isn’t guaranteed. 

How to introduce a Ghost into your campaign.

Ghosts, in popular culture and folklore, either haunt a particular location or person, and they are either aware of their denial of an afterlife or are oblivious of their situation entirely. In my campaign, Ghosts obsess over one emotion: either grief, anger, or fear. These were their last moments in life, and it guides my role-play lines with the players. 

I also make it a rule that all ghosts are ‘locked in time’ and so they refuse or cannot understand events that took place after their death. Through dialogue, Ghosts can drop hints about plot points from the perspective of someone from long ago, a perfect interview subject. 

If you’d like to use Ghosts in combat, I typically warn the players of their Horrifying Visage ability through storytelling. Leave clues or have the Ghost warn them not to insult them further, etc. before firing off a spell that could potentially kill Human characters. Remember that there are other Ghost-like undead that can probably put up a better fight, so lean on Ghosts for good role-play moments during combat instead of daring feats… although any Possession-like ability is frightening to anybody. 

Intimidation for Family Moments

Context: We play a home brew style game. My group just found a dungeon that they’re exploring. During this, they start having an argument. Thru then find an army.

Nerida ((mermaid gunslinger)) : How dare you!

Faena ((elf assassin)) : HOW DARE I! At least I don’t destroy whole towns like Carlos.

Carlos ((human silk Reaper. It’s complicated so don’t ask…)) : I DIDN’T DESTROY THAT TOWN!!!

DM ((me))as Enemy Army: uhhhhh

All Three: TURN AROUND! WE ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION!!! ((2Nat20’s and a Nat17.))

DM ((me OOC)): the army turns around and sits on the cliff edge, waiting for you guys to finish. They are so intimidated by your argument that they just want you to finish.

  • Winston: Ok everyone. I just went over the books and we are going to have to start cutting back on things.
  • Pharah: What things?
  • Winston: Well for one. You'll have to try to buy cheaper replacement parts for your suit.
  • Pharah: I...Ok?
  • Winston: Good, try sharing with Reinhardt. Next. No more unnecessary expenses. This includes imported coffee and tea.
  • 76: You will regret this.
  • Winston: Deal with it. Shotguns.
  • Repaer: We need weapons.
  • Winston: Learn to reload a damn shotgun, Gabe.
  • Video game subscriptions.
  • D.VA: Oh come on.
  • Winston: You alone have 20 subscription going right now pick one. Also you are going to have to stop blowing up you mech.
  • D.VA: But that's on the MEKA's dime.
  • Winston: Yes. But they are fed up with that and are making us pay for it.
  • Next on the list. No more home brewed explosives.
  • Winston: It wouldn't be a problem if 80% of the materials didn't explode during manufacturing.
  • Ok this is a big one. Please stop destroying the arcade in Hanamura.
  • Everyone: No.
  • Sombra: Ok, I have a quick fix for all this. Check the online account again.
  • Winston: ...When and where did this come from?
  • Sombra: When. The second you said "start cutting back" and Where? Doesn't matter.
  • Winston: Ok everyone, thank you for your time. Ignore what I just.
  • Except you, Gabe. Learn to reload.
  • Reaper: No.

I am really, really tired of people in the 40k fandom shitting on each others’ armies, chapters, legions, etc. Literally all of the established forces have SOMETHING to recommend them. And most people’s home-brews are harmless fun. Maybe the Dark Angels or the Ultramarines or the Tau aren’t your cup of tanna, but for fuck’s sake shut up if you’re shitting on other people’s good time.

Example: I don’t think much of the Tyranid. They just don’t do it for me. Not my thing. But do you know what I do when I see someone’s lovingly painted bug army? I fucking well compliment their gribbly space bugs. I let their enthusiasm rub off on me. Hell yeah, those are some awesome space bugs! I have no desire to dampen their enthusiasm, because that would make me a humorless asshole.

Don’t be an asshole!

home brewed rpg, the party was in a bar when a smoke bomb went off and knocked us all out. we all woke up in a cell on a spaceship a while later, and after escaping and fighting some robots we take a look around

catfolk pilot ooc: i have high wisdom so i’m gonna do a perception check to check out the ship

pilot: *crit miss*

pilot: “hey are you the guys from the bar??”