Ok so I’m still cracking up this is the most hilarious thing that’s ever happened I still can’t believe it. I was already going to post it but it’s just gotten better and better. Buckle up kids, this is a long story.
It all started two weekends ago. I was at a convention, Anime Detour, because I’m a nerd. My mom had, over the past couple of years of misplaced parental affection, presented me with birthday and Christmas presents of anime and SuperWhoLock shirts that A) I didn’t need because I’m drowning in t-shirts and B) were kind of awful. Not awful enough to be worn ironically, but not good enough to actually wear. Before shipping them away to the nearest secondhand store, I decided to take them to a couple of conventions that have swap meets. I could get them off my hands, and some kind soul with different taste will love them and give me something in return.
I got to the swap meet at Detour pretty late. As in, 15 minutes before it ended. A cursory glance around the room told me that most of the really great stuff had already been swapped away. I made my way slowly towards the exit, resigned that I’d have to wait to rid myself of these shirts, and that trying to find anything quality was in vain.
I was soon to be proven wrong, however.
While I was idly eyeing a gently-used DVD, I heard someone mention a “freebie table”. Apparently this is where vendors put their wares that they have tired of trying to hawk to the dead-eyed weebs that roam the halls, free for anyone to take, no barter necessary.
That’s where I found it. Just as I was walking up, a vendor tossed it onto the table among the Pokemon energy cards and copies of Death Note, Volume 6. As soon as I laid eyes on it I knew I had to have it. It was the most awful, cringe-worthy, beautiful piece of garbage I’d ever laid eyes on.
A physical CD of original songs composed and performed by Vic Mignogna.
I felt like I’d found the Holy Grail of Ironic Memorabilia. Just look at this incredible monstrosity. Look at the terrible font that nobody can actually read
Gaze upon the horrid, cheesy song titles
I couldn’t even think about listening to it. I knew that, in order for me to not turn off the sultry tones of Dick Lasagna instantly, it would have to be past 2 AM where I already am losing my grip on responsible decisions. I told all my friends about it. I reveled in their glee-filled horror. They made me promise not to listen to it until they could be there, and we joked about how hilarious it would be if we could get him to sign the damn thing. I put it on my dresser in as much of a place of honor as I’ve got.
But I didn’t open the case.
Then a couple of days later, it caught my eye as I was about to leave for class, and I realized that I hadn’t checked to see if the CD was actually in the case. It didn’t feel empty and it rattled when I picked it up so I hadn’t questioned it before. But just to make sure, I popped open the case. And wait…
I FOUND THE AUTOGRAPHED HOLY GRAIL OF IRONIC MEMORABILIA TOSSED ONTO THE SCRAP HEAP. I WAS ACTUALLY LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I ALMOST MADE MYSELF LATE TO CLASS BECAUSE I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING BUT LAY ON MY BED AND WHEEZE BECAUSE THIS WAS THE MOST HILARIOUS THING THAT HAD EVER HAPPENED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
Yesterday, late at night, my friends and I gathered around a small USB disk drive as it hummed to life, the nostalgic whine of a spinning CD the only noise in the quiet kitchen. An iTunes window appeared and the first track loaded up - “Italian Boys”. We stood in terse anticipation as the bravest one of us clicked play. Twenty seconds later we were all in various stages of collapse, shrieking with laughter at every line. It was awful, in its purest form. This is, without a doubt, the absolute worst item on the face of the planet.
And it’s MINE.