holy hand grenades

Instructions on how to use the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
  1. And the Lord spake, saying, First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
  2. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
  3. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three.
  4. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
  5. Five is right out.
  6. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuf it.
The Holy Hand Grenade of Fuck You Curse: You Get To Break Shit Edition

What you need:

  1. Clay/mud/something you can mold and that hardens but isn’t harmful to the environment
  2. A picture of the person/their full name and birthday
  3. Any herbs/oils/salts/rusty nails/war water/whatever else you feel would enhance the spell
  4. A ‘Fuck You’ song
  5. Rage

What you do:

  • Take your picture and rip it up into large pieces that can be put back together like a puzzle. 
  • Then take your clay and just abuse the hell out of it. Pour your anger and frustration into it. Tell the clay all the reasons you want to fuck this guy’s life over. Eventually start to form two halves of your grenade (like when making one of those round bathbombs). 
  • Between the two halves, place your ripped picture as complete as you can make it. Add your extra stuff at this point as well. Bonus points for if you add bang snaps.
  • Fit the two halves together so they stick and let the whole thing dry. If you want to carve sigils or other words on the outside, now is the time. 
  • It’s generally going to take at least 24 hours for this thing to dry thoroughly, so now would be a good time to charge it under the sun/moon/your chosen sigil, if you choose
  • Go someplace that’s really good for throwing shit on or at. A brick wall, a tall place, whatever. Pick a spot to throw your grenade at, visualize that person standing there, and sing the ‘Fuck You’ song at them. 
  • When you’re done, make a promise to them that their life is gonna go to shit to reflect the shit human being they already are and hurl the grenade at that place as hard as you can. Watch it smash. The picture inside should break apart and your grenade should be in pieces. 
  • Sit back and watch their life fall apart around them

Here is one of my favorite sigils that I’ve made. It’s basically a banishing spell in the form of a holy hand grenade. To use simply draw on a scrap of paper and let sit in the sun until it feels warm to the touch, in a pinch rub your hands together to create heat, then press between your palms while visualizing golden light being absorbed into the paper. It can be carried as a talisman or destroyed to release the energy. Excellent for ghost hunters and those who feel threatened in any way.

From Ms. Marvel #7

Fun book, even if the cover is lying. Sam is barely in this issue, it’s just wacky shenanigans between Kamala and Bruno and Miles, including such gems like the happiest shark alive and Bruno getting more and more into becoming a mad scientist. You built holy hand grenade, what the hell man?! Anyway, if you want a fun and light-hearted book, go for this one. However, I have a strange feeling that this issue ramped up the hilarity just because the actual tie-in will be much more angst. And the last page seems to be supporting that.

Is there anyone who doubts who is the braver and better of the two main hobbits? I’ll answer that question with one word: Shelob. Frodo has two Elvish weapons (the sword Sting and some kind of Holy Hand Grenade, both of which the giant spider is scared of), and what happens? He gets caught in a web, loses both his weapons, and barely makes it out of the cave alive, only to be stabbed, drugged, and shrink-wrapped for dinner.

Sam goes into that cave with nothing but a backpack and some lembas bread, and he ends up heavily wounding one of Tolkien’s scariest creations. Not to mention the number of orcs in the tower that he takes out with a frying pan, or the fact that he will bum-rush a ranger with nothing but his fists and threaten to ‘ave 'im (because h’s are optional in 'obbiton).

6 Sidekicks Who Should Have Been The Leader

Flower Date

Following a map drawn for him, Carwyn felt nervous for once. He did as promised and had an even creepier mask on, wearing red on his shirt for the mutant he had killed. Coming to where the hive was to be, he paused at the door. He had no idea how to approach this. Breathing in deeply, he knocked quietly, shifting his weight awkwardly. Would she even remember him? Probably not. He was prepared for the worst. He still had the flower crown on his head, some of the pedals beginning to wilt. Holding a bouquet in his hand, he felt like everyone was staring at him. He didn’t exactly know what she liked flower-wise, so he got some simple roses. Everyone liked roses, right?