hollywood fat cat

Zach Braff Will Never Stop Making Movies, and It’s Your Fault

Zach Braff’s new movie, Wish I Was Here, ends with the milquetoast, whiny protagonist (played by Braff, because who else could play this role?) proclaiming that it’s OK to abandon your dreams and just be a normal person. That might be the most controversial part of the most annoying movie of the summer. Whereas Braff’s last film, the equally irritating navel-gaze-athon, Garden State, famously encouraged its audience to “Let Go” as the credits rolled, this new weenie roast of a movie implores you to give up. Of course, there’s one guy out there who stubbornly continues to push his monotonous artistic agenda on a culture that has long since moved on: Zach Braff. Kickstarter and online donations will allow Zach Braff to keep making movies, even if most of us don’t want him to.

Wish I Was Here became infamous last year for being partially funded through 46,520 donations to his Kickstarter page that promised Braff-aholics across the country that they would get the unvarnished vision of their hero. At last, the Hollywood fat cats will get out of Zach Braff’s way to make the movie he wants! We’ve waited too long to get the Real McCoy!

The problem with that is those Hollywood fat cats get paid millions of dollars to make the movies lots of people want to see. This is why no one will give me $2 million to make a sci-fi romantic comedy set in the 25th century that features me falling in love with a talking salmon. OK, actually, it’s very possible that this movie could get made if certain directives were put in place:

  • My character is to be played by Robert Downey Jr. or hot up-and-coming African American actor Michael B. Jordan.
  • The talking salmon will be voiced by Cameron Diaz or Melissa McCarthy.
  • Instead of being set in the distant future, all the action takes place in a hot-shot San Francisco tech start-up.
  • James Cameron or Christopher Nolan has to direct.

What do all of these elements have in common? They are people, places, or things the general public has already made clear that they enjoy. It’s been a long time since Zach Braff did anything that the general public enjoyed. Did you see The Ex? Were you enthralled by The Last Kiss? Did you obsessively blog about the last few tedious seasons of Scrubs? Do you sometimes punch yourself in the face just to feel something real? Of course no one who gave a shit about the bottom line would give Zach Braff more than a pat on the back to make a passion project. Braff was hot shit on a gold-plated serving dish after Garden State, but I am here to offer a rather startling, potentially earth-shattering revelation: It is not 2004.

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The Three Fantastic Supermen

Just…wow. I love the sets. Everyone must have a room full of gold bars at some point in their adult lives.

I just don’t know if I can get past the constant piano jingling if the trailer is a good indication of the movie. It’s practically giving me a brain hemorrhage.

One thing I want to know - did they laugh at the guy who said, “HEY what about a movie with TWO Supermen?” I hope they did. I just imagine a Hollywood fat cat chomping down on a cigar “What an absurd idea! Who would watch such a thing!”, taking a sip of a nearby glass of scotch, pausing, and then slyly saying “…now THREE Supermen, that would be something…”

Aaand scene.