holding on

And I don’t say it, but I can’t help but to think that she might never find what she’s looking for. She’s always laughing just a little too loud, or answering just a little too quickly, or holding onto things that she should’ve let go of years ago….She is so thirsty for love that she drowns in it every time.
—  Poetry At Most
I imagine that to others, we appeared like a knot. We were messy and dysfunctional, and constantly tangled up in each other. Our limbs, our emotions, our lives. I was always trying to smooth out the rougher parts of you and you were trying to untangle the disaster that my life was becoming. I don’t know how we became so caught up in each other, but my God I was never happier to bend and twist myself around the prospect of someone’s happiness.
—  Clinging onto a dead love will only bring out a pair of scissors.
You chose her. You married her. You have a kid with her. So why is it when you’re lying in bed awake at 3:00 am I’m the one you call. Why is it that when you’ve had a rough day my number is the first you dial just waiting for me to say “Hi Prince.” You left me for her so why is it that you still have my pictures saved and even after 5 years of being apart you’ve still managed to hold on to them. You’re with her so why is it that every year on my birthday at 12:00 am you’re the first to say “Happy Birthday.” You’re married to her so why is it that when we both walk past you, your eyes linger on me. Why did you choose her if you love me?
— 

Excerpts from the book I’ll never write #350

01/31/2017

8:10 pm

No one really understood why I couldn’t let go of him, even after he broke my heart. What they couldn’t comprehend was that the bond that had grown between us was invincible. No amount of denial could destroy it. I knew what facial expression he wore just by a single text message. I knew his response before I even asked the question. Sometimes I knew him better than I knew myself. Now tell me how you’re supposed to let go of a bond that is beyond a physical connection. How do you separate two minds that have become one?
—  We are one - Jess Amelia
Coffee Thoughts

The coffee doesn’t feel the same
This morning.
As if too much is not enough that
I’m needing.
More and more, I keep my pouring
Still going.
Maybe, today will be the day that I’ll
Be letting go.

It’s cold outside, December finally
Arriving.
My house is cold, I’m getting old
I’m thinking.
These thoughts, each day, constantly
Keep me striving.
This depression, turns obsessive,
Madly driving.

I grab a hold of my winter coat and
Wrap it tightly.
The heater’s on, the fireplace is
Burning brightly.
The year’s almost over now and I’m
Sinking quickly.
My guitar, my words to write, I’d be lost
Completely.

Needing more, but can’t rely as people
Come and go.
Mixed emotions, questioned notions,
How do we know.
What’s behind the masks that hide
What they show.
Too much to think, I’m giving in
Letting go.

The coffee starts to feel the same…

-H. Murcia 12/3/2016 10:59AM

You taught me how to love a person unconditionally - even when they didn’t love me back. You taught me how to set my pride aside and never let it get in the way of how I feel. You were the first girl I ever truly loved, the first girl I pictured myself growing old with, the first girl that broke my heart. You made me feel like a person, just by being alive, just by being you. You made me love you just by breathing, you didn’t have to do anything else. And, most of all, you taught me that the person I imagine myself marrying will not always be the person I end up with. You taught me that not everyone who enters my life is meant to stay, not everyone is meant to be held onto, and that was perhaps the most valuable lesson of all. You taught me I can love a person, I can picture a future with them, and they will still not stay in my life. I held onto you so tight, for years, even when you didn’t feel the same way. I held onto you and after a while I realized that maybe, we hold onto some things for a while, only to have to let them go. Just because you held something for a while doesn’t mean you will get to hold it forever. I loved you and I let you go, and it hurt like hell. You taught me to let go of what is not meant for me. I never thought I would be able to picture a future without you in it, but I love someone else now and I hope I get to hold her hand for a long time. You taught me to hope for, but to never expect forever from anyone who comes into my life. Thank you for teaching me how to let go, for teaching me that letting go is only the hardest thing in the world until you’ve finally unclenched your first, and then it is one of the easiest things in the universe. Thank you for teaching my hands how to release things that are meant to be released. Thank you for teaching me that holding on isn’t always the answer.
—  October 22nd, 2016