holdaper

Banat (This is senseless)
  • 2009
  • Ako:Sana holdaper na lang ako.
  • Charles:Bakit?
  • Ako:Para ibibigay ko sayo lahat, wag mo lang ako saktan.
  • Charles:AHAHAHAH BENTA!
  • 2011
  • Charles:Ayceeee nagugutom ako!
  • Ako:Nagugutom ka ba? Tara dito, bubusugin kita ng pagmamahal ko;)))
  • Charles:.... Mas gusto ko pa rin yung holdaper.
  • Ako:Taeng holdaper yan! Kaya ka nahoholdap eh :)))
  • Oo nga nuh. Ang hilig kasi sa holdaper eh:)))
Si VICE GANDA at ang HOLDAPER
  • Holdaper:Hold-up to!
  • Vice Ganda:And so? Walang nagtatanong.
  • H:SABING HOLD-UP TO EH!
  • VG:so dapat pinagsisigawan?
  • H:Hold-up nga to!! Hold-up! Hold-up!
  • VG:Paulit-ulit? Unli tayo?
  • H:di ka tatahimik papatayin kita!
  • VG:ano to, kalokohan? Akala ko hold-up tapos patayan na? Ano to, 2 in 1? Special o regular?
  • H:Waaah! Bahala ka, Aalis na lang ako!
  • VG:Ay ganon? Walk out? Di pa tayo tapos! Bumalik ka dito!
So today i almost got held up/robbed/stabbed/shot AKA overanalyzing a modus operandi.

Dahil andaming nagtatanong kung anong nangyari.

9 in the morning i was supposed to go to Philcoa. As always, i took a jeep going to Pantranco to ride another jeep to Philcoa from there.

I boarded a jeep that’s headed for Morayta (i think).

Along Roosevelt avenue, four middle-aged macho men hailed the PUJ. They posed as if they didn’t know each other. Pardon me– I couldn’t hear a thing the entire time as I had my ipod at full blast. But I have a keen eye for visual detail– (sorry na, Aut lang.)

The four holdapers in my story are as follows (in order of appearance lelz):

  1. The Spitter - wearing a plain white tee, maong pants, flip flops, a black bag and a navy blue cap – he pretends to be having a conversation regarding work on his cellphone. He sits on my left, spits out the window but “deliberately” misses, hitting the seat instead. He then moves to the seat directly opposite of where he spat. He says “sorry, sorry” to all passengers who are about to sit on the space where he spat, right in front of me.
  2. The Clean-cut - kasi clean cut yung buhok niya. haha. payatot wearing a blue and red plaid collared shirt and maong pants, he gets pamunas from the driver and wipes the dura and sits there, directly to my left. 
  3. The Guy-with-the-open-fly - wearing a plain white shirt, flip flops, kalbo, bulging eyes and maong pants WITH OPEN FLY HAHAH. He sits down a few people away from me, to the right. He then points to the old woman right in front of me– pardon but i couldnt hear a thing with my earphones on — but he signs to switch seats with the woman. the woman edges away from the seat in confusion as to why anyone would want to switch seats in a PUJ, and the guy with the open fly continues on signing the old woman to move over or switch seats. She, realizing the setup, gets off immediately, mumbling something i cannot hear.
  4. The Look-out - wearing a plain white shirt, white cap, maong pants and flipflops. He’s the most obvious of them all. He looks at everyone in the PUJ from top to toe, eyeing items that they can rob us of, and summing up the value (if the value is too low, they’d rather get off – they wouldn’t risk getting caught for a few thousand bucks). He sits first a few people away from me, then squeezes himself in between a woman and her son – of course she got mad — so he moved a few seats away to my right. He then asks the guy directly to my right to switch seats with him – BRUSHING AGAINST MY RIGHT LEG, feeling my pocket — BUT LUCKILY I WAS WEARING POCKETLESS SHORTS LELZ – so his eyes crawl like, from head to toe.

Guy with the open fly pretends to drop 50 centavos worth of coins, and The Lookout desperately picks it up, and points to the guys’ fly, telling him to close it. This bad act serves as a reason as to why he had to switch seats.

I had my ipod dressed as an iphone 4 lol, so i immediately folded my arms across my body, protecting my bag, and my ipod. Then I gave each one of them a good long evil stare. If there’s one thing watching Hentai taught me, it’s that bad men don’t target women with an evil stare. HEHEHE. In the process, I was also memorizing their faces.

I was contemplating whether to go down or not, because, I was creepily enjoying the act. It was bad. These guys need acting lessons, at the least. Yes, I do enjoy miserable stories. Yes, i do enjoy reading modus operandi stories. And their act was like everything i’ve ever read rolled into one. So i kinda knew what to do.

Nearing a subdivision, the Spitter, still on the phone, begins looking sour. He puts his cap back on, as a signal that they aren’t getting anything since everyone in the jeep knew what they were about to do. Luckily, the “sum” of our items’ worth was low enough to keep them from robbing us, since there were mostly senior citizens and marine engineering students inside the PUJ. They all go down at the same stop, before they could even pay the fare — and angrily bumped into a few people on their way (badtrip! wala tayong naholdap dun. tsk.)

After they went down, the jeep sped away. The other passengers told me that they had shabu, jewelry, cellphones, knives and guns in their bag. One of them even robbed a lady that got off at a stop by pointing a knife at her.

 I was surrounded by four armed guys. So why did they not do it to me?

  • Earphones. They couldn’t steal my ipod because i was listening to it. Of course, if they took it, the music would stop. Plus – they couldn’t command me to give my stuff to them since i couldn’t hear a thing!
  • The Evil Look. Yes, for some reason, it worked. When i was looking at them, they were trying to avoid eye contact and would attempt to cover their faces. They did not want to be recognized.
  • No pockets. These are my lucky pocketless shorts! Of course they can’t snatch anything from my pockets if i aint got any.
  • Protected. I kept all openings of my satchel covered, and my ipod somewhere they cannot reach.
  • Bag Organizer! Even though I was using a satchel that’s pretty easy to open, my bag organizer is not! I keep my phones and wallet in the deepest pockets!
  • I think i scared the bajeezus out of them. Or maybe i had Jesus by my side. or something.

I feel like downgrading every gadget, again.

Meypor.

Basta magkikita na kami ni Kattyrinuuhh :“> Hahahaha! MOA. 11am. Mej excited. <3 Kasi feeling ko magiging masaya ano po? >:) Hahahaha. Andun rin ata si Tony (bobosintesis). Basta dko na alam kung sino pa. Inaya ko kasi si josh (hindichikboy, nung gr6-2nd year hs lang daw) WAHT?! =))

Akalain mong wala na ‘kong pera? =)) Sana talaga bigyan ako ni Mama eh. <3 Kahit pang double cheeseburger lang. :( Ge, bawas excitement baka biglang di payagan. Pero NO. :”> Nag paalam na itu >:)

Holdaper With VICE GANDA!!!! XD
  • Holdaper:Holdap 'to!!
  • Vice:And so? Walang nagtatanong!
  • Holdaper:Holdap nga 'to!
  • Vice:Kelangan bang pagsigawan? Proud ba?
  • Holdaper:Sinabi ngang holdap 'to! Holdap nga holdap!!
  • Vice:Paulit-ulit? Unli tayo teh?
  • Holdaper:Pag 'di ka tumigil, Papatayin kita!
  • Vice:Weh? Holdapan tapos naging Patayan? Ano 'to 2in1?
  • Holdaper:Kainis! Makaalis na nga!
  • Vice:Ay! Walk-Out? Best Actor, Antaray! XD
  • -BASAAAG!!! XD
dami tawa!
  • Holdaper:holdap to!
  • Vice ganda:and so? Walang nagtatanong.
  • Holdaper:holdap nga to!
  • Vice:kelangan ipagsigawan? Proud ka? Proud?
  • Holdaper:holdap sabi eh! Holdap nga! Holdap!
  • Vice:paulit ulet 2x? Akala mo nag-eenjoy? Unli tayo te?
  • Holdaper:pag di ka tumigil papatayin kita!
  • Vice:weh? Holdap naging patayn? Ano to 2in1 GANUN?
  • Holdaper:leche! Maka alis n nga!
  • Vice:ay? walk out? Best actor?
Bakit Kailangan ng Hustisya ng mga Panget?
  • Pag hot ang pinagpawisan, yummy. Pag panget ang pinagpawisan, dugyot.
  • Pag naglipbite ang hot, sarap. Pag panget ang naglipbite, manyak.
  • Pag cute ang tumitig sa’yo, ang hot. Pag panget ang tumitig, holdaper.
  • Pag hot ang nagpatattoo, astig. Pag panget ang nakatattoo, adik.
  • Pag cute ang nakavarsity jacket, hot. Pag panget ang nakavarsity jacket, jejemon.
  • Pag cute na may abs, hot. Pag panget na may abs, kargador.
  • Kapag aksidenteng natakpan ang mukha sa group selfie: Pag hot, “Ay sayang!!!” Pag panget, “Buti nalang!!!”
  • Pag hot, venti frappe. Pag panget, benteng slap.
  • Pag hot, nililigawan. Pag panget, nililigaw…
  • Pag hot, “Take it off! take it off!”. Pag panget, “Put it back! Put it back!”
  • Pag hot, binubugbog ng halik. Pag panget, binubugbog.
  • Pag hot, jaw-dropper. Pag panget, lockjaw.
  • Pag hot, idaan sa mukha. Pag panget, gym paaaaaa!
  • Pag cute, hinugot sa tadyang ni Adan. Pag panget, hinugot sa tadyak ni Adan.
  • Pag hot, “Punta ka condo ko, dala ka foods”. Pag pangit, “Punta ka Tondo, dala ka goons.”
  • Pag hot, romantic-comedy. Pag panget, documentary.
  • Pag hot, “I deserve an explanation. I deserve an acceptable reason.” Pag panget, “I deserve an operation!”
Holdaper, magnanakaw at snatcher

Nakakainis ‘yung mga holdaper, magnanakaw at snatcher na ANG LALAKI NG KATAWAN. Bakit sila ganun? Ang laki ng katawan nila, pero ayaw nilang maghanap ng trabahong matino? Ganun na ba kahirap ang buhay sa Pinas para pagnakawan mo ang isang tao na alam mong pinaghirapan niya 'yon? BAKIT KAYO GANIYAN?

Marami namang marangal na trabaho, lalo pa’t malaki ang katawan mo. Pwede ka magkargador, pwede ka mag kalakal, pwede ka magdeliver ng kung ano ano 'wag lang drugs) pero bakit KAILANGAN NIYO PANG GAMITIN ANG LAKI NG INYONG KATAWAN PARA LANG MANLAMANG NG KAPWA? HA? ANO? BAKIIT?

Sigurado naman akong may kunsensya kayo, kasi hindi niyo naman gagawin 'yan ng walang dahilan. Baka siguro may sakit ang anak or asawa niyo, walang baon sa school, or kung ano pa man. Pero HINDI NYO BA NAISIP NA KAILANGAN DIN NG TAONG PINAGNAKAWAN NIYO ANG PERANG 'YON? Bakit? Mas malakas na ba ang tunog ng sikmura KESA SA TUNOG NG KUNSENSYA?

Sana man lang gamitin natin ang laki ng katawan niyo sa tamang paraan. Lahat may pag asang mag bago, malaki katawan mo dahil wala ka pa gaanong sakit, mag isip ka ng paraan para umangat ang buhay mo. Hindi sa paraan na nauubos ang boses ng kunsensiya mo.

It’s been a week since ako ay nahold-up. I lost Corbitch (My Samsung Corby) at ilang kaperahan. Napilayan pa ako ni manong dahil pinilipit niya lang naman ang kaliwang braso ko at mga daliri. Traumatic experience! Good thing I have family and friends na bonggang nangamusta at ipinaalala na mabuti ng yun lang ang nakuha at hindi ang buhay ko. Kahit na madalas kong mapanaginipan si Manong holdaper, pasalamat pa din ako at buhay ako. I just want to think he needs money. :)

Pero sana, sana maisip din nila yung mga tao na ginagawan nila ng mali. Kung may konsensya pa sila o sadyang nabulok na. God bless na lang :)

ANG HOLDAPER
  • holdaper:holdap toh!!
  • girl:So kailangang ipagsigawan?
  • holdaper:sabi ng holdap to eh!!
  • ...
  • girl:paulit-ulit unli unli??
  • holdaper:bigay m0 sakin yang bag m0!!
  • girl:ayok0 nga sau 2 sau 2?
  • holdaper:pati wallet,cellphone at pera!!...
  • girl:demmanding :DD
  • holdaper:kapag hindi m0 binigay sasaksakin kita.!!
  • girl:weh di nga??
  • (SINAKSAK NG HOLDAPER SI GIRL)
  • girl:ouch!!
  • holdaper :masakit?
  • girl:Ay hinde hinde kaya nga ouch eh BOBO lang BOBO?
Bakit unfair ang buhay para sa mga lalake?
  • Ang mga babae pwedeng magholding hands. Pag ang mga lalake nagholding hands. Gay
  • Ang tshirt na panglalake pwedeng suotin nga mga babae. Pero ang lalake hindi pwedeng magsuot ng blouse.
  • Kapag nasa madilim na kalsada o kahit anong nakakatakot na lugar. Lalake ang dapat na mauuna bago ang babae. If ever na may holdaper, rapist o mamamatay tao, lalake ang unang mamamatay.
  • Ang pogi pose ng mga lalake, bagay din sa mga babae. Pero ang Japan Japan pose (peace sign) ng mga babae, gayshit pagdating sa mga lalake.
  • Halos lahat ng kanta ngayon ay dedicated sa mga babae.
  • Sa mga pacontest/games, dapat magpaubaya daw sa babae, so wala karapatan ang mga lalake na manalo? 
  • Sa mga babae hindi awkward magsabihan sila ng “Ang ganda mo friend”. Sa mga lalake pagkakamalang bading pag nagsabihan sila ng “Ang gwapo mo pre”.
  • Ganun din ang “I love you”. Pag mga babae okay lang. Pag sa mga lalake, gay.
  • Awkward mag beso beso pag dating sa mga lalake. Gayshit
  • Sa mga break up, kahit walang kasalanan ang mga lalake. Lalake parin ang nagmumukhang masama at dahilan ng break up.
  • Masama ang tingin ng mundo sa mga lalake kapag hindi sila nagpaupo ng babae sa lrt, mrt o bus.
  • Kapag ang babae nakaya ang gawain ng mga lalake. Big deal. Pag lalake nakaya ang gawain ng mga babae. Minamaliit.

Nasaan ang equality? Nsaan ang hustisya? hahahhha