I woke up thinking about Clexa Con this morning and fandom. And I couldn’t go back to sleep because that’s what happens when something worms into my thoughts and bothers me. Then it sits there and bugs me more until I say something about it. Because that’s how frustrating my head is. That’s why I never shut up. Anyway, it’s so funny to me… having this thing happening in a few weeks and not being there. It’s eye opening to me watching people promote it and hype it and give it praise knowing that they previously talked about how wrong it was, knowing that they know I was wronged and think I was wronged. It’s frustrating to watch fans who hold everyone to excessively high moral standards support the con, even when they previously didn’t, because they’re getting to meet the actors they want. It’s enlightening to see the people who yell at members of their own community constantly for “selling out” quickly shut up and lose that righteousness when they’ll get to talk to an actor. It’s reminded me what the community actually prioritizes. The promise of an interview, the chance to look at an actor, the words of straight “allies” over our own people, This has thematically been the tone of this thing since its conception and that’s not just with me. I mean that with the people they originally invited, the way it was first supposed to be a space for fandom and has now become a space for meeting celebrities, the way panels about diversity and representation are slowly being removed from their line up and queer performers not being paid anything to attend not even accommodations up while more money gets spent on sending already wealthy straight celebrities who don’t need it.
And the thing is, I get it. I get why it’s valuable. I get why it’s happening. If I were invited to go tomorrow, I would go. To be there and support people and help to give more kids in queer fandom what they need. I get why the people who have chosen to go are going. But I find how quickly everyone stopped talking about it alarming. I find how quickly everyone shut up about the problems to be telling in terms of what we really value as a community. I remember sitting at dinner after season one of The 100 aired, telling a couple of The 100 writers how much we wanted more queer rep, and being really fucking nervous that they were going to think I was an ass hole for saying that and for the conversation we had. I remember getting a phone call and finding out months later what they were going to do. I remember going to set and being introduced to Alycia in costume and boiling over with excitement because I knew what it was going to mean to all of you. I think that’s where so much of the frustration comes from in not being able to share this with the people there. I think it’s why it disappoints me that we’re not using the con to talk more about gender diversity, about diversity in fandom, about the representation we still need, to uplift even more queer artists in fandom financially. I’ve heard from multiple people how sorry the con is for how they handled things with me but I haven’t actually seen it, and they haven’t actually made good on it so I can only assume that’s just words.
But I guess we’re at is where we’re at. I am not even sure what this post is. All my emotions regarding this convention are fairly wishy washy and messy. And as I said, I’d still go. So I know why people are still going. I’m not condemning anyone for that. I guess I”m frustrated by how much we aren’t talking about the problems within ourselves. We spend so much time critiquing others, icing out any person who disagrees, aggressively and righteously demanding that other queer folks have “sold out” if they dare to do something that benefits their career or reputation, but we’re not better. None of us are better. You all sell out for the things you want too. And we should. You should occasionally just let things slide and get the happiness out of something that you want. I just hope that’s something we all start to see. I hope we all try to look more at the nuances here, at our own problems and our own flaws and begin to better hold the problems and flaws of others, and begin to better talk about how we can make our community stronger and better in the future. I hope that the con is all the fun for the people who get to go as it could have been for those of us who don’t or don’t feel comfortable anymore. I hope everyone gets to have their good time and gets a laugh and a chance to meet the people they want to meet, be they celebrities or fellow fans from around the world. I hope we do better tomorrow.