hodamn

Hey you, buy Dragon’s Dogma on Steam

What the fuck are you doing reading this? Don’t fucking read this, go buy fucking Dragon’s Dogma: Dark Arisen on Steam. It’s 30 bucks right now. Do it.

What? You wanna know why you should buy it?

Fine.

Dragon’s Dogma is one of the best, most exciting games of the last generation. It took an interesting Dark Fantasy setting and let you go apeshit wild in it. Have you ever played another fantasy game where you whacked a giant dragon’s ankles with your sword until he fell over? Did you wonder why you could only wail on his knees instead of jumping on his back and stabbing his eyes out? Well Dragon’s Dogma had the same thought and said, “You know what? Fuck it, why wouldn’t you just climb that fucker?” And you CAN.

You can climb up a cyclops’ back and stab his eye out. You can ride a griffin into the air, cut its wings off mid-flight and crash-land that fucker into the dirt. You can cut off a hydra’s head, watch it grow back, and then cut it off again with FIRE and stop it from happening again. YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS AND ALLIES AND THROW THEM INTO THE SEA FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN SHITS AND GIGGLES!

I hear you say, “How’s the story though? I look for story in my Action-RPGs!” Well hold on to your butts, because this game got hella story. It’s got the most metal fucking opening to any game I’ve seen in decades. It’s a tale of love, loss, revenge, and fucking COJONES. You get your heart ripped out by a dragon and fucking SURVIVE. All he’s got to say to you? “Come at me bro, if you want your fucking strawberry tart back.”

“But what about the art? I can’t enjoy a game unless it’s pretty!” Well first of all, that’s very close-minded, but YES THIS GAME IS PURTY AS FUCK. This game’s art and setting is like that of the air-brushed panel van your weird uncle still owns in 2016. Your favorite metal album cover comes to life every time you turn this shit on!

“Okay, it’s got a cool setting and story. Can I make my own character? I’ve always wanted to make myse-” I’M GLAD YOU ASKED! The character creator in this game is supes deep! You want to play an 8-foot-tall amazon with a mohawk and ocular heterochromia? YOU CAN! You want to play a 12-year-old boy with no hair who’s also RIPPED AS FUCK? YOU CAN! You want to play a withered old woman who single-handedly destroys her enemies with a zweihander? YOU CAN! THE SHEER RANGE OF BODY TYPES AND PHYSICAL FEATURES IS THE NUMBER 1 CAUSE OF LOSING HOURS IN THIS CHARACTER CREATOR.

“Okay, so you’re already headed towards clas-” SHUT THE FUCK UP IT’S CLASS TIME NOW! You want warriors? Done. Rogue? Done. Wizard? Done.

“But those are typica-” THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY? You can go those routes but hodamn you can cross class motherfucker! Wanna be a sword-and-board assassin? Done. A Magick Archer (magick with a K because IT’S FUCKING METAL)? Done. A Wizard-paladin with maces and tower-shields? Done! The classes are so unique and fun to play there’s not a one that’s dull if you ask me.

“But what about romance!”

I’m glad you asked, straw-man reader. Have you ever found an NPC in an RPG that stole your heart? Not like the dragon does, but like, uh… metaph- fuck it, you know what I mean. Yes? Well this game let’s you make nice with and romance any named NPC. ANY NAMED NPC. The merchant? Banged. The captain of the foreign legion looking to prove herself? Woo’d. The fucking masked sailor moon villain? Fucked. The little girl you meet? Fuckin’ slow down there Jared Fogle… how did you even get internet access in prison? Anyways, it don’t matter your gender neither, fuck who you want to fuck, friend.

If you’re still not convinced, if you read all this and think I’m just all hype and no substance, then you can go fuck yourse- I mean, you can see for yourself.

I’m currently playing this game on the youtubes. Watch me play it. Watch me enjoy myself. Listen to me gush about how much I love this game, because I truly, truly do. If you like what you see, and you’ve got the means, please buy it. This game was criminally overlooked when it came out and it deserves so much better than it got. If enough people buy it, maybe we’ll get another one, eh? One that’s not Japan only.

Watch me play it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4OyvxEzC9A

Jumin Headcanon/Theory

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again.

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS SO DON’T READ. THIS ISN’T FROM HIS ROUTE SO I CAN’T BE A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE BUT HODAMN THE INTERACTIONS FROM THE OTHER ROUTES MAN.

Carry on.

I’d like to think that Jumin Han is a social reject/outcast robbed off of his childhood.

As a “chaebol” (child of a high-ranking profile), the Han’s would want their child to continue their legacy as they grow, and even hope that they will surpass them. Since birth, he encounters numbers and facts everyday. Private lessons here, private lessons there, while keeping up with actual school work from the school.

He quickly adapted into this lifestyle because it became the most natural thing for him to do. Go out with friends? Hmmm… I’ll try. Skip a class? Um, how about no. Throw a party and get fucking wasted? The first suggestion, let’s think about it. The second? Be serious.

Jumin probably became the type of kids that are not in your top list on “Persons to hang out with everyday” but you can’t bully him. Typical touch-him-and-our-company-is-as-good-as-dead. He doesn’t mind, most of the time. It’s better that way. One way or another, they don’t really care about the person in front of them. All they care about is the name of HAN being up in their list of partners/sponsors, and if that meant hanging out with this bore, then so be it.

And you know what? Jumin doesn’t care. Not anymore.

Being treated as some sort of social reject/social outcast, his little to none soft side hardened into a mask of indifference. As a kid, no matter what social class you are from, when you go to school, you’d expect to meet friends. You’d expect to meet someone that has the same interests and preferences as you. He’s a chaebol, they’re a chaebol. Surely a connection wouldn’t be that hard right? rIGHT?!

Wrong.

Whatever little hope he has for living and feeling like a normal kid even for a short while is gone. This is the harsh reality of the world.

So, Jumin became indifferent, hence, his preference to remain rational in every route whenever they deal with something. Have you noticed?

Another thing he developed is the ability to lie perfectly–or as perfectly as we dream to be.

Being rich means you have a reputation and that reputation is your “all”. That reputation would be your identity and power over everyone you interact with. Being the son of a business corporate, he is expected to be formal, serious and rational. He is expected to take things with a grain of salt and to be top-notch. He has to be above/better than everyone.

Having a mask of indifference surely works their wonders when you need them. (whatever you do dont think of this–)

You don’t see Jumin sighing in frustration because he can’t understand the problem. You don’t see Jumin cramming up late into the night when everyone is asleep, trying to understand the problem so he can do better. You don’t see Jumin being anxious over a quiz or an exam about that problem. You don’t see Jumin being nervous about its result. You don’t see Jumin breaking down in tears when he saw that he barely passed the quiz. You don’t see Jumin being frustrated. You don’t see him cursing the world because of his life. You don’t see him wishing he wasn’t the son of a business corporate. You don’t see the longing looks he has to his classmates who always hang out together.

You don’t.

Instead, you see Jumin keeping a mask of indifference and an air of calmness even when everything is falling apart. You see Jumin keeping his emotions in check. You see Jumin offering little to no expressions at all, and when he does it’s usually a cold, polite smile or a skeptic raised eyebrow. You see Jumin walking alone the corrigdors, heading to the library during breaks. You see Jumin being buried in books that are way too big and way too advanced for him. You see Jumin executing everything with grace and perfect ease.

That’s what you see.

You don’t see the broken boy behind his perfect face.

HOLY SHIT JURASSIC WORLD BLEW MY STRESS LEVEL THROUGH THE ROOF!! That thing was amazing!!!

The velociraptors! The fuckboy-Rex! The graphics! The story! The music! The humor! The HORROR. Even I want to give props to Irfan Khan, a bollywood actor who has become a big hit in Hollywood, has played an amazing prominent role as Dr Masrani, and I was so proud! Good god I recommend this movie :) :) :)