hockey couples

Ok everyone listen up, because I have an unconventional headcanon about Jack Zimmermann that I neED TO SHARE.

I think that Jack will have a long, wonderful career in the NHL and go down as one of hockey’s all-time greats.  He wins multiple Stanley Cups, but more importantly, he is happily married to one Eric Bittle – Food Network’s new up and coming star.  

Now, my headcanon for Jack begins after his NHL career. 

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where Bitty is at his first nhl all-star game as a rookie and competes in the fastest skater competition. Of course, he wins (and breaks a lot of records too, ayooo) and gets quite the attention from The Veterans, including 2-Time-Stanley-Cup-Champion Jack “Hockey Robot” Zimmermann. Bitty thought Jack was jealous of him at first because he was very curt in the one conversation they had. But it turns out Jack doesn’t know how to deal with Attraction™, much less attraction towards a rookie from a rival team. Fast forward to the after party where there is drunken confessions and lots of kisses- BOOM! Hockey’s newest power couple is born. 

Patater Family!AU

I just want Kent Parson and Alexei Mashkov as the media darlings, which then ascends to hockey power couple after they go public because Tater is the biggest Russian potato romantic in the world. When he doesn’t have a game he goes to Kent’s game with a Parson jersey. (Kent does the same with Tater’s games). And when they adopt their son they become power hockey family.   He would get a mini jersey and Tater used to carry their son on his shoulders literally every fucking where, to Kent’s aggravation, until: ”Alexei, put him down you are a giant his forehead is going to hit the door frame.” “No Kenny I will keep him safe–” “Ow.” “OHHHHHH PAPA IS SO SORRY WHERE DOES IT HURT” etc etc

You see Kent with his designer sunglasses pushing their son on the swings. He’s going to turn into that one PTA parent with the indoor sunglasses going “Karen, your brownies are shit. My husband and I will take care of the snacks next time.” But Tater’s shit at cooking too so they end up getting the goods from a fancy bakery and passing it off as their own (”But Kenny this is cheating.” “Tater your mini pies look nothing like the pictures Jack sent I am not showing that to Karen I’m in too deep.”)

Tater’s that parent who has wallets of his husband and family, like if anyone even mention Kent or son he’s whipping out the phone and opening the photo album. When their kid is more into soccer than hockey you just KNOW they try to make every single game (”I’m sorry Daddy and I couldn’t come to last game.” “It’s okay Pa.” “No not ok”) so when they miss one they turn up the extra and cheer like Embarrassing Parents™ for the next one. The referee has to come to them and say, “Sirs, there are families present I’m going to ask you to tone down the profanities” “THAT WAS CLEARLY A FOUL” “Mr. Parson they are 7-year-olds.” “Tater back me up.”) The two of them just support their kid so much their son is going to be one of the most loved kids in the world. 

when is the NHL gonna do something about Tony De Angelo’s racist, sexist and homophobic ass? NHL out here preaching about how everyone is welcome at NHL games and that you fully support minority players yet you won’t ban players with severe records of racially abusing their own teammates and using homophobic slurs. (x)

Stop letting players who openly support Trump and racism on social media get away with their bullshit. Enough with the “in the heat of the moment” excuse for using slurs too. If you’re old enough to play professional hockey and earn a couple hundred thousand dollars a year, you’re old enough to take responsibility for your actions.

anyway a Legally Blonde-esque AU where Bitty’s ex leaves him to go play hockey in another city and for ~plot reasons~ the only way that Bitty (thinks he) can get him back is to also join that hockey team

only problem: Bitty is a figure skater, not a hockey player

  • cue to Bitty practicing hockey for a couple of months and sending in his audition tape
    • don’t tell me this frame is not literally the same as the scene where elle woods is accepted into harvard
  • anyway when he gets to the team his ex is Not Impressed and also seems to be dating someone else? rude
    • (the ex’s name is chad and used to be a lax bro so really…what did u expect bits…)
    • (whiskey is the new BF probably)
  • ft jack zimmermann who seems to Hate Bits with a Capital H bc bitty doesnt seem to be taking this seriously at all- like tbh all bitty does is show up at games with pies??? and he has literally been playing hockey for three months, what is he even doing in this team
    • “what do you mean you’re playing hockey to impress a boy“
  • and then for some godforsaken reason bitty actually gets picked to play first line and everything’s awesome
    • except not really because he’s super nervous and like messes everything up
    • and he’s almost thrown out of the team
    • but then in the end he figures out how to use his field of expertise aka his figure skating background to make some awesome moves and score some goals & all is good
      • there’s one thing that he does that he nicknames the “bend and snap”
      • ransom and holster probably: “….we can make a play out of this“
  • in the meantime jack realizes that bitty is in fact a good player and an even better person and they Fall in Love
  • (also whiskey totally realizes chad is a Jerk and dumps his ass and bitty and him become friends)

ft. probably a side plot where bitty tries to help shitty to get lardo to fall in love with him (spoiler alert: lardo was already in love with him the whole time)

chad: “you got into the hockey team?“