hockey check

Eric Bittle: the first ‘Out’ captain of an NCAA hockey team

In a world where the Wellies are Frozen Four repeat offenders and the NHL still has no lgbt players, news of Bittle becoming the first openly gay captain of a NCAA hockey team would be huge. He’s going to be interviewed by most major sports publications, news outlets, and lgbt rights groups simply for existing.

However, when the Wellies make it back to the Frozen Four and win, Eric stops being a novelty and starts being the very recruitable winger captain of a championship hockey team.

Now a nation is watching and the question on everyone’s mind is this: what team, if any, will be brave enough to recruit the first openly gay player in NHL history?

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smh anytime referee calls foul

Okay so hockey is like, rife with superstitions and ritual.  

Each player has their own pre-game rituals, which are honestly on par with religious sacraments. You do not fuck with a man’s pre-game ritual.  Also, the inability to practice one’s pre-game ritual is deeply emotionally destabilizing.  Like, we’re talking serious repercussions here.  If a player is unable to complete their sacred ritual, there will be hell to pay.

Just as famous as Crosby’s famous pre-game plate of spaghetti, or Jack Zimmerman’s pre-game PB&J, is Snowy’s pre-game application of eyeliner.  It is not only essential to his game play; it is essential to the current alignment of our space-time continuum.  

Which brings us to Snowy, currently in the throes of an emotional breakdown, in seat 15C on the Falc’s bus, clutching desperately to his last remaining tube of La Nuit, Nior de Nior eyeliner as though it were the cooling body of his only son.

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this holiday season, i’m eternally grateful that alicia and bob knew about kent, because that means they’ve been in jack’s corner in every way since then

i’m eternally grateful they told jack explicitly, or at least acted effusive enough, that he truly thinks they “love the idea that [they’re] together”

i’m eternally grateful that jack is now 100% himself with his parents, can love bitty out in the open within most of their circle, and is thinking about coming out to all the people who he thinks should know

he’s in the nhl, he’s got an a, he’s in love, and he’s out to most of the people who matter to him. what a year for jack zimmermann! bless us every one

Something that I feel is under-explored is the fact that Jack is a queer history major. And he went to a very LGBTQ friendly college.

Basically imagine Jack being forever annoyed when people assume that historical figures were straight.

So, with the wonderful help of my dear irl bff @ohsobittle, let me tell you a story. (seriously follow her she’s The Best and we are essentially a matched set)

  • it really all just starts when they Jack is a little tipsy and hanging out with The Boys and Bitty (of course). Bitty is the DD for the night.
  • “Y’know, John Laurens was really cute.” “Who?” “John Laurens. Alexander Hamilton’s boyfriend.” “….what?”
  • (Bitty is on Jack duty. tipsy Jack will probably wander off and go try to teach a class if left unsupervised.)
  • “No seriously John Laurens was really cute. And so was Alexander. You know his eyes were actually /violet/? Like. Bittle. You don’t understand. Pull up a picture.”
  • (Shitty points out that Jack isn’t usually into gingers and Jack throws a pillow at him)
  • “no but he was described as having a peaches and cream complexion like what the fuck”
  • and then of course Holster is like “I didn’t know they were in love” and Jack is like “oh my god their letters, man, their LETTERS”
  • *cue theme music and History Shit With Jack Zimmermann* (credit to ohsobittle for that one)

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smh as things that people I know have done in college
  • Bitty: messaged entire class facebook group of several thousand students to ask if anyone had an egg they could borrow to bake a cake
  • Jack: had an anxiety attack, forgot the english language, had to explain the anxiety attack using only french
  • Lardo: got a job at the art museum on campus, had to sit next to an exhibit that contained 200,000 fortune cookies, watched as 200,000 fortune cookies became 199,999 as someone walked up to the pile and stepped on one
  • Holster: spent an hour stuffed under a twin sized bed with 3 other people to jump out and surprise roommate when they got home; roommate never came
  • Ransom: while stoned, planned a 4-year graduation plan that would allow them to complete 5 different majors and a minor; thought this was reasonable to do, probably could do it with a 4.0
  • Nursey: got very drunk and wrote a poem about space, taped the poem to a wall for everyone to see, realized the next morning that most of it was quotes from an Owl City song
  • Dex: was asked to fix the same person's laptop four times in one week; did it every time
  • Chowder: overdressed in an ironed button down and new sweater to go out with his entire squad to meet one guy's girlfriend because he wanted to make a good first impression
  • Tango: spent several entire lectures asking questions about information that is quite literally on the home page of the school's website
  • Whiskey: stolen fruit, several bags of bagels, a set of silverware, and an entire napkin dispenser from the dining hall
  • Shitty: dressed up as Jesus to go to a frat party, went around saying "whoever said 'fuck the gays' is dumb as SHIT"
  • Also Shitty: got alcohol poisoning before 9pm
  • Shitty again: had a foursome while the Hamilton soundtrack played
  • Listen, the next five dudes you're going to ask about? Were probably all Shitty: walked around the quad in a t-rex costume chasing people

question. i was reading ‘hockey shit with ransom and holster’ and i noticed this:

so, if the locker room court is judged by the captain…does that mean jack had to wear shades and dole out judgement? 

i’m just thinking about sweet sweet jack zimmermann sitting in the archives trying to find precedents about old judgments from previous captains and managers. they are not organized men and women; it has taken him many hours to decipher their scrawled minutes from “court.” the librarian comes up to him, worried by the sweat on his brow and his serious expression.

“are you working on a project, dear?” she asks. (she is likely 70 years old. she went to samwell. she was alicia zimmermann’s librarian.)

“no,” jack answers, looking up at her with the most intense expression she’s ever seen on a student. “my team keeps shitting in the bus and i need to figure out how much to fine them.”

this answer only raises more questions. 

listen,, i just can’t get over the fact that kent ‘once met ryan reynolds and he told him he was pretty’ parson is canonically one of the least chill people ever

honestly can you imagine him meeting tater at a bar after a game and tater who doesn’t have a single vindictive bone in his body slinging a very warm and muscley arm over kent’s shoulders and going, ‘little rat!! you win this time, next time i get you, yes??’

and meanwhile kent’s mind is just going, ‘you can get me right this goddamn second jesus flippity christ on a bicycle pick me up and fold me like a fuckin origami swan shit why is that sexy he’s so big abort abORT’ while playing a slo-mo slideshow of tater picking him up one-handed to the gentle strains of ‘gimme more’

and he kind of?? squeaks??? in response but really, tater is right there and he’s all nice smelling and weirdly handsome with his big nose and slightly wonky jaw and kent is kind of freaking out. at the same time tater is watching the blush spread under kent’s freckles and that’s the moment he decides, yes very good i’m going to keep this one

One day Jack calls Bitty “bud” while at the Haus and Ransom already has the Sin Bin out yelling about the fine. And everyone else just looks at him because it just seemed so innocent?? Like pal or buddy or bro. Then Ransom is pulling out a whiteboard for Canadian Shit with Ransom (and Jack). But yeah, Jack really thought he had a way around the fines.

concept

idk if this exists already but

okay so I’ve read (and loved!) quite a few fics now where zimbits are out publicly and the falcs are playing a game where one of the opposing team members says something derogatory/awful about bitty to jack without the refs hearing and jack just immediately gets thrown in the sin bin for kicking the guy’s ass and it got me thinking

what if it was the other way around?

what if it’s a samwell game and some punk ass douchebro from the visiting team decides to make a nasty comment about jack to bitty (for his sexuality or the OD or smth) and the next thing anybody knows is bitty’s gloves are on the ice and the winger who opened his mouth has a split lip to show for it? and here’s the thing, bitty isn’t generally a violent person, and it’s not like what this dude is saying hasn’t been thrown in jack’s own face already. but like, bits is just so, so tired of every athlete, fan, and sports commentator who have any knowledge of hockey ripping into jack like they know anything about him. like, bitty can take the slurs when they’re directed at him bc he (sadly) is used to it after growing up in georgia. but he’ll be damned if anyone is going to badmouth his loving, kind, generous, and extremely hardworking boyfriend in front of him. not anymore.

ok but tell me someone has made a joke about the boys chirping jack and bitty into oblivion because of tim horton’s timbits and how close it sounds to zimbits???

  • like ransom is making his daily timmys run like the good canadian he is and jack and bitty are sitting at a table drinking coffee (gotta mix it up from annie’s every now and again).  he gives them a short wave and goes to get his coffee when he turns back and sees an ad for timbits in the window between jack and bitty and he just.  stops.  slowly takes a pic on his phone and sends it to the group chat.  enter: chaos.
  • holster is the haus’s resident pun master and he is SO ANGRY he didn’t make the connection first.
  • chowder thinks it’s adorable and points out that it’s canadian baked goods!!!!! so it really does fit!!!! it was meant to be!!!! <3
    • chowder: cuz jack’s canadian and bitty’s a baker!!!! it’s perfect!!!
    • bitty: aww chowder!!! you’re so sweet!
    • jack: i think in this scenario you’re the sweet one, bits.
    • lardo: FIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE
  • lardo fining the hell out of their cute asses.
  • rans and holster coming home with a box and smushing two together making exaggerated sex noises in the living room
  • it becomes a Haus Thing to buy timbits and take a selfie with the box “just hanging out with jack and bitty.  love these guys”
    • shitty definitely takes it too far and makes a video of himself naked and making out with donuts and tags it “finally part of the threesome i always wanted”

the first time jack visits tater’s apartment unannounced he accidentally sits on kent parson’s 6 month old espn body issue, hastily showed between two sofa cushions.

what follows is the most awkward conversation since bad bob tried to tell a 20 yr old jack about the birds and the bees. it really solidifies their friendship.

William “Sorry but that dryer can barely do a pair of socks” Poindexter was not in fact “sorry”, he was so quick with that fine.
Like the second he could hear jack and bitty getting home he was there
he had that bin at the ready, waiting for his friends to get home so he could make Jack slowly pay for a new and functional dryer
(he probably made Bin Dos himself just to have on his person so at any moment he could collect money for his Dryer Fund)

So, when Jack suggests buying Bitty a new oven for his birthday, Ransom says that “Excel says we owe him, like, 3 ovens.” and then they do end up buying him an oven for his birthday. But that still leaves 2 ovens that the Samwell Men’s Hockey team owes Bitty. 

Now, imagine it’s a few years down the road and Bitty is trying to start his own bakery but is a little tight on cash because “Even though you can buy me my bakery Mr. Zimmermann, that doesn’t mean you should”. The Samwell crew wants to help out, but they know Bitty won’t just let them give him the money. As they’re trying to figure out what to do about that, Ransom stumbles upon his old spreadsheets and they know exactly how to help Bitty get started. Bitty sheds many tears when he sees the industrial grade ovens installed in his little shop.

One day after Jack comes out, a misguided news source pushes some white nonsense article about the “new B and JZ of the hockey world” implying that Bitty and Jack are new Beyoncé and Jay-Z. Of course there’s a lot outrage, memes, and angry fans. Then sometime just after it happens Bitty tweets something along the lines of:

“Y’all need to stop scaring me, I thought something happened.Thank you but no thank you. There will only ever be one Beyoncé and Jay-Z.” 

Then Bitty and Jack go ahead and mass like and retweet a bunch of angry memes and tweets detailing why the comparison is flat out inappropriate.

okay but tater is absolutely the biggest baby ever when it comes to scary movies. we’re talking even the slightest hint of a scary scene and tater just nopes the heck out of there. like, he still can’t watch the hunchback of notre dame all the way through.

but he is definitely not going to mention that to kent. especially since he knows that kent loves that he’s so big and strong and tater’s pretty sure that ‘screams like a little girl at cgi monsters’ does not fit that description.

except it’s a date weekend and kent’s put on his netflix list of 'quintessential american films that you need to watch tater, how have you not watched these you weirdo’ and then. gremlins comes on. and tater is excited!! gizmo is so cute!! but then the actual gremlins come along and look. tater is a Big and Strong hockey player. he is definitely not scared by evil reptilian dolls. no siree.

it takes kent approximately 2.3 seconds to notice. 'babe,’ he says slowly, 'are you scared?’

'no way,’ alexei 'no pokerface’ mashkov forces out. for a second all kent can do is stare at his giant, russian teddy bear of a boyfriend before he basically lifts tater onto his lap. 'how are you this cute??’ he grins with a face of brown curls. and while tater is pretty terrified he’s also?? all warm on the inside??? because this gorgeous, talented, loving man is His Boyfriend

(that night kent is woken up by tater shaking his arm and plaintively whispering, 'hey…can I be little spoon now?’ and kent just MELTS. tater doesn’t mind scary movies too much after that.)