SPOILER ALERT! -though if you haven’t finished Portal 2 yet after this long, it’s your own fault.

Guys, I played through Portal 2 and finished it very early on. It did not disappoint, and in fact turned the tables on a lot of the original expectations I had for the game.

You see, to begin with I had the hugest boner for GLaDOS. I’d had this same affliction while playing the first Portal game, because GLaDOS is undeniably hot! She’s one sexy, spite-filled, hateful robo-bitch, and it made me squirm with delight how every ounce of emotional effort she had in her she used to hate me as the player.

So, it was business as usual, really. The only difference was that I gained a new friend at the start by the name of Wheatley.

A personality core, Wheaters wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the box, and.. may have accidentally put GLaDOS back on line. In his defense, he did know a thing or two about the place! Obviously he wasn’t so stupid that he couldn’t help me thwart GLaDOS’ revenge plan to keep me testing until I keeled over dead. Probably on an Aerial Faith Plate with my luck, only to be pounded into ground beef by repeatedly smashing against the ceiling.

I didn’t know what to expect from him, and as I got to what I thought was the end of the line very fast, I was rather upset. I was thinking the game was over already.

Then? In some crazy turn of events I put Wheatley in charge of the Lab. By first order of business, he turned GLaDOS into a potato battery… she sassed him for it. For the first time I felt a powerful urge to tell her to shut up before she made things worse. Too late, before I knew it we (GLaDaTOS and I) were in the retro Aperture Labs of the 50’s. My pal Wheatley had thrown a tantrum over being called a “Moron.” Typical Wheaters.

So, I dinked around the place and eventually discovered to my elation that GLaDatOS was still alive!! However she was being eaten by a bird…

I saved her, and like a young lover being reunited with his darling; I wanted to have sex with the potato (Get a little… Potato Head if you know what I’m saying.) Unfortunately, there is no in-game option you can act upon where you can do this, so… here I am with a potato, various types of gels, and a hard on so massive that it was crossing my eyes. My eventual discovery of what these gels were used for had me wondering if my thrusting power would at all be effected by propulsion or repulsion gel, and if so what sort of negative effects would it have on the body when applied to my dick.

Cave Johnson would be proud!

You know, now I wonder if he knew he invented the greatest lubricant known to man kind by sheer accident.

Speaking of Cave Johnson and his recorded messages, he managed to easily garner my respect given how he reminded me of an old friend I had known in Magsy. I digress, in the end, it was when I got back to the Aperture Laboratories WHEATLEY Laboratories facility that I realized what my original intention for this post was; Wheatley was one sexy bastard himself.

Forget the Potato for now, I want Personality Core.

I guess there’s something about that obviously drug test-addicted personality core, desperately trying to prove himself as an astute gentleman that I found attractive. Sure, he tried to lash out and kill me, but so did GLaDOS, which was originally part of her sex-appeal. Saving the day was bittersweet, because as anyone who played Portal 2 knows; poor Wheaters was fired into space. After it was all said and done, he just wanted to prove that he wasn’t a complete idiot who didn’t know what he was doing.

Who hasn’t been there? Amirite?

In summation, what I’m really trying to say is… I want to fuck Wheatley too. His insane fit, high on power and his obsession with proving himself. The addiction to testing, the sounds he made when you completed a test for him? Oh god, so hot. GLaDOS? You’re still on my list gorgeous, but Wheatley is right behind you. At least he apologizes when he knows he was wrong, instead of deleting his emotions.

P.S. If anyone at Astroglide is looking at this; come out with a promo lubricant called Propulsion Gel. Nerds WILL buy it.