hits and shits

Intimidation is key

Context : so it’s me (DM) and my 3 friends (drawf barbarian, high elf warlock and human fighter) playing dnd and they get into their first fight

Human : I want to try and intimate them

Me: sure roll for intimation

Human : * nat 20 *

Me: OK wow… What do you say

Human : *takes deep breath and stand up from chair * I AM RUSIAN *Power rangers pose * PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPONS AND SURRENDER!!!

Party breaks out in laughter

here’s a lil somethin i wanna talk about just cuz it made me happy

i went to best buy to get a new aux cord and after i grabbed it i went to the back to look at gaming keyboards and as i was looking at them one of the workers who i have talked to many times before (a cute boy with a sweet face) said hi to me and was like “checking out the pc keyboards?” and i was like “yeah i really want one, but i don’t have enough money rn lol. i just came to get an aux cord and got distracted” and he was like “yeah that’s easy to do here, but if ur ready i can check you out” and i said ok and as we were walking to the register he noticed the blue in my hair and said it was cool :’) and when we got to the register he asked me if i wanted to sign up for their rewards thing or whatever and i was like oh i guess so i gave him my name and number and stuff and as he was typing it in i was looking at him and asked him if he knew who ben platt was (cuz he kinda looks like him) and he said no and i told him he reminded me of him and he was on broadway and stuff and he should look up dear evan hansen if he wants to see what he looks like i guess and he was like ok cool and then he was like “you said he was handsome?” and i giggled a little and i was like no i said u remind me of him haha and he was like oh lol (silly boy i see what ur doing) and then he complimented my glasses and said it was different from the last time he’d seen me and i was like thanks :( and then he got done with everything and came around the desk to give me my bag and said “i gotta say carly ur really unique” and i almost gotdamn cried bc i’m mega insecure about my blandness and he made me feel like i was some rad chick from an indie movie like romona flowers or somethn and i was just :((((( <3333 but ya i was about to leave and he said “it was nice to see you again carly” and i said “u too, you’ll probably see me again” and smiled and he smiled at me and i went to my car and smiled more and i like boy :(

i had a dream that i was doing a stream of a horror game and in one part there was like. this baby crying and you had to follow its cry cuz it was…supposedly spooky or something. and i was getting reALLY UPSET CUZ THERE WAS A BABY CRYING AND I WAS LIKE “LISTEN. LISTEN I DON’T LIKE IT. I DON’T LIKE THE BABY CRIES. I NEED TO FIND THE BABY. I HAVE TO FIND THE BABY AND HELP IT.” 

very realistic dream.

Remind me to roll a fighter next...

I was running my players through a 5e campaign when a miniboss with 55 hp they were sent to kill heard them coming and fled the hideout with the party hot on his tail. He got out into the open 2 turns before they did.

Me(DM): [miniboss] is 120 feet down the road to the west, and doesn’t look like he plans to slow down.

Our halfling rogue with only 25 feet movespeed: He’s out of my range, we should check his room to see if he left clues about where he would go.

The level 6 fighter with improved critical, +4 to dex and a +1longbow: Nah, how bout we just kill him? I use action surge and attack four times with my longbow.

She then proceeds to roll four attack rolls and have all four land on either 19 or 20. The rogue falls out of his chair laughing

Me(resisting to urge to change to up his health total): Ok, Roll 8d8+20 for damage

She rolls a 59 for damage.

Me: …he’s dead… Anything you want to add?

Fighter: JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!!!!

Mother of (No) Mercy

So it’s my second time DMing ever and my 8 year old cousin wanted to have a D&D themed birthday party. I’m familiar with 3.5 so I’m glad to do it. So him and his brothers, the oldest of which is 14, and his parents, both in their forties, all play.

I make up an original Island Adventure scenario that’s basically a fetch mission for a magical item they can trade the locals for a boat to go home in.

So they were deep into the jungle of the island and hadn’t fought anything too damaging. But then I set them up against a Giant Constrictor that started to give them a run for their money. They had it down to less than half health when the monk (the 8 year old’s character) was knocked unconscious.

Me: And the Snake manages to grab a tight hold of Gantea. Thora (the mother’s fighter) is up next.

Fighter OOC: Can I shout a battle cry before I hit it with my warhammer?

Me: Sure, that’s a free action to me.

Fighter: RULES OF NATURE!

*Nat 20*

Table cheers.

Me: Ok, roll to confirm the crit.

*Nat 20 True Critical*

Table goes ballistic.

Me, in disbelief: So with the maternal savagery of a mother bear defending her young, you hit this snake so hard not only is its head taken off, but its entire skeleton is knocked clean from the skin. Gantea is no longer being constricted.

Fighter to Monk OOC: Remember this next time I tell you to clean your room.

The Power of Friendship (Ruined my Final Boss)

Context: (Same group as the story about six-inch goblin dick, but different story, different submitter.) It’s my first time DMing, an it’s everyone else’s first time playing. The party consists of a Goblin Bard, (Gobbo) Halfling Rogue, (Milo) and a Human Fighter (Knottley). Long story short, the Bard failed to listen to sincere advise from an NPC, failed some critical rolls, and ended up as a Chaotic Evil Lich.

[Sometime halfway through the Lich’s health]

Fighter, OOC: Can I ask him to… not do this?

DM: Yes, you can make a persuasion check. [Pause.] Talking is a free action.

Fighter, OOC: Oh! Then I’ll do it.

Fighter: Little Goblin man, do not do this! We are friends.

DM: Roll persuasion.

Fighter, OOC: … That’s a five. Minus three.

[Laughter from around the table.]

DM: Alright, Gobbo, roll to see if you get a nat 1 against persuasion. 

Bard, OOC: Okay. [Rolls a nat 1]

[A good moment of stunned silence, and then laughter from everyone but me.]

DM: Alright. Alright. Alright. Cool. That’s great.

Bard, OOC: I’m sorry.

DM: No, I love it! I love it! So, Gobbo, this speech, it pulls at your heart strings. You remember, you are not a murderer, you are a scholarly goblin. You went to college-

Bard, OOC: The college of swords!

DM: [sighs] Yes, the college of swords. You remember, that these people are your friends, and you are not a killer. So…

[I wrap up the story line, (entailing the power of flight, as well as beating up the person who sent them on the quest and Gobbo becoming the “court lich”) and after some laughter (once again, everyone but me,)…]

DM: Oh my god. [Fighter’s Player], this is your folk hero destiny! You saved the world from an awful lich!

Fighter, OOC: Oh my god, I did!

DM: With the power of friendship!

Bard, OOC: Because of a nat 1…

DM: Good god, this is a power of friendship story! My worst nightmare!

[Laughter ensues.]

okay but i can’t stop thinking about jack doing that whole goofy roughhousing-as-flirting kinda shit with bits once they start dating like

a playful argument quickly turning into jack fake-punching bitty’s arms, poking him in the belly, getting him into a headlock that’s just an excuse to be all up on him, until bitty’s crying with laughter and jack pushes him down onto the couch and flops on top of him, winning the “”””””fight””””” and squishing his cute lil bf into agreeing that yes, your ass is better than sid crosby’s ok you WIN