So here is a bunch of AU’s that I’ve collected over…. a long time. Enjoy
I broke your nose in a mosh pit, sorry
I hit you with my car and was the only one to visit you in the hospital, this is sort of awkward, are you okay?
You’re getting chased by the police and you just jumped in my car and yelled drive, wtf man
You just punched me in the face while gesturing wildly to a friend, your friend can’t stop laughing and im too shocked to respond to your apologies
You laughed in a restaurant, but your laugh is really weird and I thought you were choking so I’m awkwardly humping you while attempting to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre and why isn’t this working, you’re just choking harder now this is aweful
We met on a Sunday morning, both doing our walk of shame
I get really sick on roller-coasters and you are sitting in front of me, im so sorry
You’re the bastard who keeps parking in front of my house and you just caught me drawing a dick on your window with a permanent marker… ugh, oops.
I work at a department store and if you take out and unfold another fucking shirt and just leave it, I’m going to fucking shove it down your throat
You broke into my apartment drunk thinking it was your friends place and I should call the cops by my cat likes you so????
You’re my new dealer and you just friended me on Facebook and idk how to react to that
You saw me reading the same book you are and now we are arguing about the motives of the antagonist
This is a five-hour-long plane ride, we’re sitting together and you’re deathly afraid of flying.
I got into a cab to find someone already inside
You thought I was your friend/sister
Holy shit, im in the wrong car.
I was walking by a roller coaster and your shoe flew off and hit me in the head and now I’m on the floor trying not to fall unconscious.
It’s 2am and I’m drunk and I need some salt for my fries and I know your awake so OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR
You fell asleep on me in the subway and I should probably wake you up and its my stop next stop but it’s okay, I can always just catch the subway back…
I know nothing about camping and all my friends left me at the site. Please, help me, I think I just heard a bear
This has been a shitty week and you just grabbed the last box of my favourite comfort food from the shelf, do you really want to fight me rn?
We met in a movie theatre and now you’re clinging to me because your terrified and I’m okay with that because it means I get your popcorn.
You had a party and I got really drunk and stole your microwave, so now I’m at your place and your super hungover so here, I made breakfast?
The guy living below me has a really loud alarm clock that always wakes me up at the crack of dawn
I went to investigate a scream and found my neighbour standing on a chair to avoid a rat/mouse/cricket (etc.)
My neighbour has a really squeaky bed and my bedroom is below theirs
You keep stealing my doormat and HAH, I’ve got you this time thief!
The apartment above me has left their tap on or something and water is leaking through my ceiling
My neighbour’s sibling got the wrong house number and barged into my apartment on accident.
My roommate keeps stealing my coffee so now I make extra
You’re my new neighbour and wow man, you have some really weird habits.
You’re my neighbour and you are stealing my wifi to watch porn and can you not?
You locked yourself outside of your apartment and there’s a storm rolling in and I pity you so please come into my apartment I’ll make you hot chocolate?
I heard you singing at 3 am and joined in and now you’re at my door and wtf mate I think your drunk but your voice is really nice so?
I just set the fire alarm in our building off again… sorry. I know its like the fourth time this week…
You keep mowing your lawn when I’m trying to sleep and seriously FUCK YOU
My new neighbour is really hot and wow I didn’t even like women until now? And now she is in the garden planting flowers in her bikini wow… im in too deep
It’s 3 am and you’re blasting off classic rock at full volume and your music taste might be awesome but soME PEOPLE are trying to sLEEP
We’ve never met but we shower at the same time and our showers are on opposite sides of the same apartment wall so sometimes we start duets?
I’m out walking and my dog started chasing your dog.
My cat/dog ran away and you just found it but refuse to accept the reward.
We are neighbours and your cat got my cat pregnant… so, wanna raise this little kitty family?
My pet tarantula/snake (etc) escaped and I forgot to warn the guy below me who is terrified of snakes/spiders
I need you to pet sit my pet for a while and I forgot to mention it’s a snake, the mice are in the freezer. Thanks, bye
My cat really hates you cat and that’s the third time this week I’ve had to pry them apart.
My cat keeps breaking into your apartment and it ate all your plants… dinner to make up for it?
My cat sneaked out on the balcony and into your open window and he has this habit of destroying furniture and pissing everywhere so I followed him inside and you cam home earlier than I expected and found me in the middle of your living room and honestly I’m not a burglar
Your dog likes me a thousand times better than she likes your partner and sorry not sorry I love this dog
You were walking your dog when you found me passed out on a park bench and thank you for waking me up and buying coffee instead of stealing my wallet
I’m on a bus and wow, you’re singing really loudly and everyone is giving you weird looks, hey bud, tone it down, also great choice in music
You play Double Bass/Cello and I play 1st chair Violin and we keep making eye contact and damn your super cute.
You play in an orchestra and I love these songs so much, plus you’re really cute. Shit man, you’ll never notice me in the huge crowd…
Music is kinda illegal and my friend just died and apparently he wrote music and wow I want to know what it sounds like and to play it at his funeral but I don’t know how to. You’re a well-known music dealer, do you happen to understand these notes? Can you help me?
I tried to act cool at this concert and I thought I was leaning on a wall but apparently it was a speaker and now it’s on the ground in pieces and everyone’s glaring at me… sorry?
I’m a wizard and I just accidently apparated into your house. Oops.
I died over 2000 years ago and you’ve been dead for like 2 hours, man, damn it now I have to explain this shit to you. Great.
I’m immortal and you’re mortal and I don’t know how to explain this to you and soon enough you’re going to realise that I’m not aging… shiiittt
You’re a greek god and I’m the roman counterpart.
I’m a ghost and your alive and I think I’m in love with you…. Fuck.
You’re a faun and I’m a Satry
I’m half demon and people often judge me based on my looks, but your blind and wow you actually like me?
I’m a time traveller and I went back in time and wow I think I’m in love with you, fuck this isn’t good, I just faked being George Washington… wait what? George Washington doesn’t exist here? Shit… I actually am George Washington.
I’m a writer and your my character and wtf how the heck did you just literally climb out of my first draft?
I’m a werewolf but I don’t want to tell you because my wolf form might be that really small chihuahua you keep mentioning you see when I go out…
I’m an android and you’re a human and wow what is that warmth I feel when I see you?
I’m a homesick telepath and you’re the poor soul who is receiving all these emotions, sorry
Somehow I’m in your body and you’re in mine and shit man being this close to the ground is fucked up.
I’m a genie an d you rubbed my lamp so congrats you get three wishes but you can’t seem to think of shit and why the fuck do I have to be stuck with you? Hurry up and think of some wishes okay?
I was an awful angel and as punishment I have to be your guardian angel and wow your super cute and nice but I still hate you
You keep having strange dreams that turn out to be us in a past life and you’re determined to fine me again but in this life I’m already dead.
We live in the year 3090, you’re a scientist and I’m your assistant. Unfortunately and experiment goes wrong and I die. Now you’re trying to put my brain into a robot but its not the same
I’m a vampire and I have a moment of weakness, you’re nearby and lets just say it doesn’t end well
I’m a dragon and you’re a really hot prince, that’s right, they locked up the wrong royalty.
You’re a pirate and I’m a siren and woah… are you asexual? That’s so cool, hey wait, don’t go I just want to talk
Your mirror is a doorway into my dimension and I can see everything….
Listen I am genetically modified and you WILL let me hide in your house
Ok, so I panicked and kissed this human so he wouldn’t drown. And I know you don’t want me to keep him, and we can’t let him leave if he knows about us mere people so what do you want to do?
I just got partnered with you in dance class and I can’t dance for shit
You’re my science lab partner and how the fuck did you just explode that beaker?
I’m an art student and you just found my sketchbook and you’re going through it. Shit man can you give that back, I don’t care how good you think they are just don’t turn that page…
You’re the school dork and I’m the school jock and fuck you can see where this is going
We are the only two kids who ride this school bus, maybe we should carpool?
I thought you were my roomies new boyfriend so I invited you in but your actually the RA of the dorm and now you think I want to have sex with you
I accidently flooded the laundry room and you really need to do laundry
You’re sitting in my seat in this lecture and who even are you? I’ve never seen you before… wait what, stop checking me out!
We argued so much during a class discussion that we both got kicked out and we’re still arguing outside the class
You left your USB in the library computer and I had to go through your files to figure out who you are and in the end I read the entirety of this book you’re working on and wow you’re really good?
I’m a traditional painter who has to take a basic Photoshop class, you’re a graphic design major sitting next to me and getting sucked into helping me out because Im so shitty at this
My pottery bowl exploded in the kiln and I feel like a failure, you found me crying about it in the hallway and are now trying to comfort me and your sweater is really soft wow sorry
You and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and fuck it I’m trying to study over her so fuck you I’m going to put an end to this game by winning
We are both teachers and at the end of the year we compare how many gifts we’ve received from student and you’ve won for the past three years
Romeo and Juliet of the math and English departments
I want to get along with you roomie… but I like star wars… and you like star trek… this isn’t going to work.
I usually talk to my friends through morse code in class but… apparently you know morse too… and now you know I think your butt is cute
I got cursed and turned into an animal and taken to the shelter and now I’m being adopted by someone who is really hot OH FUCKING NO
Near Death Experiences
Wow I was just in a fatal accident and who the hell are you? What is this I’m I dying? Wait no, I don’t want this, how do I get out of it? A deal you say, I’ll take it.
You’re an executioner and I’m about to be executed but you can’t seem to run the guillotine, wait what, why are we running away, man you’re my favourite executioner
Our plane/boat crashed and now it’s just us on this island.
I just took a super dangerous job and your trying to talk me out of it, but we really need the money
It’s the middle of a war and I’m on a ship that you’re ship just torpedoed. Now I’m a prisoner and wow why can’t I feel my legs. I’m not cooperating until I can feel them again. What the fuck do you mean I’m paralysed?
I’m addicted to ____ (drugs/alcohol etc) and you found me in an alleyway due to after effects of my addiction (beat up, overdose etc) and decide to take me in.
I sold my soul to bring you back to life and I don’t have long left please make this time count
Mistaken and Secret Identities
I’m a thief/hacker/murder and you’ve found out my identity and have been bugging me for days to take you on as your partner
I’m a superhero and you want to be like me but in doing so become a supervillain, what do you mean you don’t understand why I’m punching you?
I’m a superhero, you’re a supervillain, but we don’t know each other’s identities and we are actually best friends
I’m runaway royalty and you’re a commoner, fuck I’m so screwed I need your help, I’ll explain later
You think I’m a celebrity and you’re talking too much for me to explain I am defintely not… that dude. What was his name again?
You’re a superhero and I’m your best friend and what the fuck man? Why the hell didn’t you tell me? If you had maybe I would be fucking caught with this stupid ass monologue-ing villain
I have a very cute neighbour and very thin walls and one day I call you and err… your moans are very synchronised with my neighbour's…
I’m a superhero and you’re a supervillain and I saw you visiting kids at the children’s hospital and letting them act like they defeated you and now it’s really hard to punch you in the face
Your my mailman and I can’t help but notice that you linger at my door slightly longer than you need to ever since you saw me that one time. Do you want to come inside?
I’m a private detective and your my client and fuck man you’re in some deep shit
You’re a protester and I’m a police officer. Seriously can you please calm down a little bit, this is my job not my beliefs.
I’m a make-up artist/hair stylist and I you’re an actor/model and are you flirting or???
You’re a celebrity and sorry mate, I have to take pictures to pay rent, I know its invasive seriously, sorry
You’re a store clerk and fuck, is that my ex? Can I please hide behind this counter?
You’re a lifeguard at my kid’s swimming competition and I fell in the pool with all my clothes on and you awkwardly tried to save me even though I didn’t need it.
You work at a pet store and I came in to look at tarantulas but somehow we lost the biggest one and its loose somewhere in the store and it really doesn’t help that you’re terrified of spiders
I’m a firefighter and you started a fire in your kitchen but you’re still flirting with me even though you’re not wearing pants and I’m carrying you down a ladder. Stop complimenting my muscles for fucks sake
We work at the same company and I kind of had a crush on you until I noticed that you’re the asshole stealing my lunch from the office fridge.
I’m a firefighter and you live near the station I work at and we talk/flirt with each other a lot. One day me and my team get called to put out a fire and it’s your home ablaze. You don’t make it.
I work at a fruit store and you come in almost every day and rearrange stuff on the shelves and then leave. Today you made the apples spell ‘call me’
It’s 2am and I was just trying to get home but I left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and I drove into a pole - stop laughing! You’re a cop, aren’t you supposed to be helping?
You’re drunk and want my name tattooed on your ass.
You always bring your dates to the restaurant I wait at and now you’re here alone… you okay mate?
It’s snowing and I usually walk to work but that’s not happening, hey roomie, can you please drive me? Yes I know its 4am
I accidently gave all my winter clothes to charity over the summer and not its not so much summer, but I’m broke and hey… could you give me your old winter clothes… maybe?
I love the cold, but I promised to visit you for a good 4 months and wow, why did I do this? There isn’t snow here?
I don’t know you, but you just threw a snowball at my face, mate, its on.
I don’t know who the hell you are, but my roommate has someone over and It’s really cold outside…. Can I come in? Or like, have a blanket, or even a towel?
I knew you in high school and I ran into you at a renaissance fair wearing full knight regalia
I met you once when I was 12, we started a pen-pal relationship across the world and haven’t stopped even though we are a lot older now.
You were my best friend when we were younger but your family moved to the other side of the world, and we haven’t talked in years. But now your back and wow how did you recognise me when I can’t even remember your name?
I hired you to be my date for a wedding but your super cute, maybe we cannot fake-date?
I’m fake dating you to have someone to vent to on family gatherings while also pissing off my conservative uncle that I never liked and wow… have your eyes always been this nice?
We’re both cosplayers and we somehow always manage to meet each other at cons dressed as a popular ship and people always want photos of us in compromising positions and so we always end up fake-dating the entire day but you’re actually really hot and I’m head over heels for you
My friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex, quick make out with me, I’ll pay you.
I’m blind and wow your voice is absolutely beautiful can you just keep talking? Forever? Please?
My younger sibling is besties with your sibling and even though we hate each other I guess we’ve got to start hanging out a little
We are both at a grocery store at am and you offered to arm wrestle me for the last box of cereal, its on!
You’re sleeping on my best friend’s couch while your house is being renovated and you have really weird habits like attempting to sing opera in the shower and you keep eating all my Nutigrain
We bump into each other every Friday at the supermarket to buy the same ice-cream and maybe we should eat it together?
Our parents are dating and thank god I’m not the only one pissed off about this
I went to museum to get some inspiration and then I saw you staring at one of the paintings in awe and wow you just noticed me drawing you and this is awkward
I decide to take a shortcut home that involves crawling through a really tight hole in a fence and I end up getting stuck and you just happened to pass by and now you’re laughing at me
I took a bunch of free condoms from health services just because I could and they all fell out of my bag at once and now you’re staring at me weirdly
We are trapped in a bank during a robbery
Your country is trying to take over mine and I might be a little attracted to you and stop this it’s really hard to retaliate okay?
I was on my balcony and you started loudly quoting romeo and juliet at me
1. “A wedding?”
2. “After everything you did, you’re asking ME to apologize for snapping at you ONCE?”
3. “Am I supposed to be scared of you?”
4. “Are you drunk?”
5. “Are you hitting on her for me?”
6. “Are you kidding me? We’re not ‘fine’!”
7. “Are you okay?” “Why do you ask?” “You’re wearing two different shoes.”
8. “Are you really taking his side against me?”
9. “At what point did you think that was a good idea?”
10. “Babe, you have a problem, please, let me help you.”
11. “Be my wife.”
12. “Before I do this, I need you to know that I have always loved you.”
13. “BOOM! That oughta show you not to mess with me!”
14. “But the carnival is right down the street! Can we please, please go!?”
15. “Can I kiss you?”
16. “Come back to bed.”
17. “Come on, let’s throw the dice, see what happens.”
18. “Come over here and make me.”
19. “Come with me.”
20. “Could you be happy here with me?”
21. “Crocs? Who hurt you so much in this life?”
22. “Damn. You clean up good.”
23. “Delete that immediately.”
24. “Did I just say that out loud?”
25. “Did I stutter?”
26. “Did you enjoy yourself last night?”
27. “Did you hear that?”
28. “Do you…well…I mean…I could give you a massage?”
29. “Do you ever stop eating?”
30. “Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”
31. “Do you ever think we should just stop this?”
32. Do you like me? Check yes or no.
33. “Do you need me to get anything from the store?”
34. “Do you think it’s possible that I…might be… pregnant?”
35. “Do you think she could have loved me?”
36. “Does he know about the baby?”
37. “Don’t fucking touch me!”
38. “Don’t say that. Not now.”
39. “Don’t say you love me.”
40. “Don’t you dare throw that snowba-, goddammit!”
41. “Don’t you ever do that again!”
42. “Either ask her out or I will do it for you!”
43. “Excuse me, I’m terribly lost. Can you help me?”
44. “Everyone deserves a second chance.”
45. “Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”
46. “For some reason I’m attracted to you.”
47. “Frankly, I couldn’t care less.”
48. “Fuck…I feel I’ve been hit by a car.”
49. “Game’s over you son of a bitch! Tell me where she is!”
50. “Give me 5 bucks, I’ll explain later.”
51. “Go on then, tell me. Tell me you don’t love me.”
52. “Go then, leave! See if I care!”
53. “Guess who’s going to be a father?”
54. “H-How long have you been standing there?”
55. “Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?”
56. “Have I ever lied to you?”
57. “Have you ever wanted to hate someone?”
58. “Have you lost your damn mind!?”
59. “He’s missing, not dead.”
60. “Hey! I was gonna eat that!”
61. “Hey, have you seen the..? Oh.”
62. “Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.”
63. “His ego is so visible, I can almost watch it grow.”
64. “Hold me back!”
65. “Hold my hand dammit, we gotta make this look convincing!”
66. “How about we put the gun down and let’s talk about this?”
67. “How could anyone be that cruel?”
68. “How dare you!?”
69. “How long has it been?”
70. “I almost lost you.”
71. “I am not losing you again!”
72. “I beat you at Mario Kart and now you’re banishing me to the couch for the night?”
73. “I came here to explain what happened, and I’m not leaving until you listen.”
74. “I came home to a Nerf gun on the front porch and a note that says ‘Here is your weapon. I have one too. Loser cooks dinner. Good luck. xo’”
75. “I can manage on my own.”
76. “I can’t… I can’t lose you.”
77. “I can’t believe you talked me into this.”
78. “I can’t explain right now, but I need you to trust me.”
79. “I can’t get you out of my head.”
80. “I can’t let you do that.”
81. “I can’t start over again.”
82. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
83. “I can’t swim!”
84. “I choose you.”
85. “I could never leave you, I love you too much!”
86. “I did a pregnancy test.”
87. “I didn’t ask for any of this!”
88. “I didn’t know you could cook.” “Oh, trust me I can’t.”
89. “I didn’t know you could sing.”
90. “I didn’t know you were so competitive.”
91. “I didn’t realize I needed your permission.”
92. “I didn’t think it was even possible for you to be so intelligent.”
93. “I don’t care what he said, it doesn’t mean jack squat.”
94. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
95. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”
96. “I don’t snore, do I?” “Like a chainsaw.”
97. “I don’t want to have a baby.”
98. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
99. “I don’t want to let you down.”
100. “I got you a present.”
101. “I guess I was wrong about you. You’re not so bad after all.”
102. “I had a nightmare about you and just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
103. “I had to see you again.”
104. “I hate you!” “No you don’t.”
105. “I hope one day you’re as happy as you’re pretending to be.”
106. “I just need you to do this one thing for me.”
107. “I just really need to have you here right now.”
108. “I just want this.”
109. “I just want to be alone right now.”
110. “I just wanted you to know that when I picture myself happy… it’s with you.”
111. “I know, but… I love him. You can’t give up on a person you love.”
112. "I know, but he’s your partner for this.”
113. “I know that you have reached a decision, but given that it is a stupid ass decision I have elected to ignore it”
114. “I love you.” “I know.”
115. “I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you and – Oh, screw it!”
116. “I love you a lot, but please stop trying to cook me dinner, you suck.”
117. “I love you for you, don’t you dare think otherwise!”
118. “I love you more than anything in this world… which is why you have to stay here.”
119. “I love you, you asshole.”
120. “I made a mistake.”
121. “I may be an idiot but I’m your idiot.”
122. “I may despise you with the burning white hot intensity of a thousand suns, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
123. “I may have… ripped my pants.”
124. “I miss her so damn much, and it’s killing me that she’s gone!”
125. “I need you to forgive me.”
126. “I never believed in soulmates until I met you.”
127. “I never learned how to whistle.”
128. “I never meant for anyone to get hurt!”
129. “I saw you staring at each other, I just wasn’t sure if it was sexual tension or murderous rage.”
130. "I see the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking.”
131. “I swear if you weren’t so attractive, I’d have punched you in the face nine times by now.”
132. “I swear it was an accident.”
133. “I swear it was like that when I found it!”
134. “I think I picked up your coffee by mistake.”
135. "I think I’m in love with you and that scares me to death.”
136. “I think we need to talk.”
137. “I think we should have another.”
138. “I think you’re just afraid to be happy.”
139. “I thought you were a dream come true.”
140. “I thought you were dead…”
141. “I trusted you!”
142. “I waited and waited, but you never came back.”
143. “I want my best friend back.”
144. “I want to go back to before….”
145. “I wasn’t going to wait around for you forever.”
146. “I wasn’t planning on asking you, but I’ve come to realize that life is short. Will you marry me?”
147. “I wish I could hate you.”
148. “I won’t give up if you won’t.”
149. “I won’t let you fall.”
150. “I-I can’t trust you anymore.”
151. “I’ll be right over.”
152. “I’ll sleep under the sheets, you sleep on top of them.”
153. "I’m flirting with you.”
154. “I’m freezing!”
155. “I’m laughing because you’re angry. I swear I didn’t do it!”
156. “I’m like 20% sure this plan will work. The other 80% means we could die horribly and violently, but honestly it’s a really solid plan.”
157. “I’m not good enough for you.”
158. “I’m not happy here.”
159. “I’m not surprised that you murdered him.”
160. “I’m not the only one who thinks that.”
161. “I’m only human!”
162. “I’m pregnant.”
163. “I’m sick of being USELESS.”
164. “I’m so happy you’re alive.”
165. “I’m so sorry! I will never doubt you again!”
166. “I’m so stupid to make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend.”
167. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
168. “I’m sorry, but I can’t trust you anymore.”
169. “I’m sorry if this upsets you, but I’m going to marry her.”
170. “I’m sorry, run that by me again.”
171. "I’m sorry, what were you saying? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”
172. “I’m starting an idiot jar. Any time you do or say anything idiotic, you have to put at least a dollar in it—more depending on how stupid the thing that you said or did was.”
173. “I’m tired of being your secret.”
174. “I’m up to the challenge.”
175. “I’m yours.”
176. “I’ve been in love with you my entire life.”
177. “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
178. “I’ve moved on.”
179. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before… and it scares the shit out of me.”
180. “I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I can’t see you.”
181. “If he’s going to treat you like shit, I’m going to kick his ass.”
182. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”
183. “If I die, I’m going to haunt your ass.”
184. “If I ever see you anywhere near her, you’ll have to deal with me!”
185. “If my parents knew what I was doing, they’d kill me.”
186. “If this is love, love is easy.”
187. “If you die, I’m gonna kill you.”
188. “If you don’t want to talk about what happened, then say so. Don’t just lie and say it’s fine.”
189. “If you keep looking at me like that we won’t make it to a bed.”
190. “If you shove cake in my face this will be the worst wedding night of your life.”
191. “IF YOU USE UP ALL THE HOT WATER ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO BAN YOU TO THE COUCH FOR A MONTH.”
192. “If you walk out right now, it’s over for us.”
193. “If you walk out that door, you’re no longer one of us. You’ll be one of them and that means I’ll treat you like one of them.”
194. “Is… is that even possible? Like, can we do this?”
195. “Is… that my picture in your wallet/as your home screen?”
196. “Is it really you?”
197. “Is it supposed to look like that? Are you sure?”
198. “Is that a challenge?”
199. “Is that an apology?”
200. “Is that real?”
201. “Is that what I think it is?”
202. “Is that what you’re doing? Trying to make me to hate you?”
203. “Is there a problem?”
204. “Is there a special reason, as to why you’re wearing my shirt?”
205. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
206. “It could be worse.”
207. “It made a difference to me.”
208. “It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.”
209. “It was just a dream.”
210. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”
211. “It’s a hobby of mine to prove you wrong.”
212. “It’s all your fault.”
213. “It’s been fun. We’ve had a good run, but you parked in my spot. I’m going to have to kill you now.”
214. “IT’S NOT COMING OFF!”
215. “It’s not what it looks like…”
216. “It’s okay, I’m here for you.”
217. “It’s okay to cry…”
218. “Just leave me ALONE.”
219. “Just talk to me!”
220. “Keep your head up.”
221. “Kiss me.”
222. “Let him go! It’s me you want.”
223. “Let me buy you a drink?”
224. “Let’s do something wild and crazy!”
225. “Look at me - just breathe, okay?”
226. “Look at that. I’ve never seen your face get so red.”
227. “Look, I don’t have much time, but I wanted to say I love you.”
228. “Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while…”
229. “Make a wish.”
230. “Marry me?”
231. “May I have this dance?”
232. “Meet me at midnight. Alone.”
233. “Meet me on the bridge in an hour.”
234. “Meet me on the roof in ten minutes.”
235. “Mind if I cut in?”
236. “My parents asked about you.”
237. “No! I’m tired of doing what you say!”
238. “No one needs to know.”
239. “No one will ever hurt you again.”
240. “None of this makes sense.”
241. “None of that matters now.”
242. “Not a day will go by that I won’t think of you.”
243. “Oh, my God! You’re in love with her!”
244. “Please don’t argue. You have to leave right now, you aren’t safe here.”
245. “Please don’t cry.”
246. “Please don’t do this.”
247. “Please, don’t give up on me.”
248. “Please, don’t leave.”
249. “Please listen to me-”
250. “Please say something.”
251. “Please, take me instead!”
252. “Promise me you won’t let anything happen to him.”
253. “Promise me you’ll stay.”
254. “Remember our first date? When you took me to Starbucks and it took me 15 minutes just to choose a flavour of Frappuccino? I was never sure about anything, never. But I was so fucking sure about you!”
255. “Run, and don’t ever look back.”
256. “She’s been missing since Friday and you’re not worried?”
257. “She’s missing, not dead.”
258. “Shit, are you bleeding?!”
259. “Shopping? Do I have to go?”
260. “Shut up and kiss me.”
261. “Since when do you drive a motorcycle?”
262. “So? It’s not your problem so butt out.”
263. “So, I found this waterfall…”
264. “So there was an accident…”
265. “Somebody’s in love!”
266. “Sorry, I thought I was alone…”
267. “Stop taking pictures! I’m fucking stuck. Be useful and help me!!”
268. “Stop talking about love for a minute and help me with this bullet wound.”
269. “Stop talking about the past, I could be dead in a matter of hours… make me up a future.”
270. “Teach me how to play?”
271. “Tell me a secret.”
272. “Tell me again why I let you convince me that this was even remotely a good idea.”
273. “That came out wrong.”
274. “That guy at the bar keeps staring at you.”
275. “That is not coming in this house!”
276. “That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”
277. “The joke’s on them.”
278. “The paint’s supposed to go where?”
279. “The sign said not to push the button, so naturally I had to push it!”
280. “The skirt is supposed to be this short.”
281. “The three seconds rule doesn’t apply to sticky foods.”
282. “The way you flirt is shameful.”
283. “There are plenty of people out there who love you.” “Yeah, like who?” “Like me.”
284. “There’s no getting out of this. You ruined me.”
285. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
286. “Things don’t always turn out how they should.”
287. “This is… this is somewhere I never imagined I’d be.”
288. “This is by far the stupidest plan you’ve ever had. Of course I’m in.”
289. “This is so going on YouTube!”
290. “This isn’t just about you. It’s about what’s best for all of us.”
291. “Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?”
292. “Time’s up!”
293. “Twins? We’re…we’re having twins?!”
294. “W…Was that you making that noise?”
295. “Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”
296. “Wait, do you two know each other?”
297. “Wake up! Please, please wake up.”
298. “Walk it off!”
299. “Wanna bet?”
300. "Wanna dance?”
301. “We could be amazing!”
302. “We could’ve had it all.”
303. “We have to pretend to be married.”
304. “We missed our chance.”
305. “We’ll finish it the same way we started it…together.”
306. “We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you wanna stop and feel the rain?”
307. "Well….don’t keep me waiting”
308. “Well, this is awkward…”
309. “Well, this is where I live.”
310. “What are you afraid of?”
311. “What did I ever done to you?”
312. “What other hidden talents do you have?”
313. “What the hell are you doing here?! I told you I never wanted to see you again!”
314. “What the hell was that?!”
315. “What were you thinking?? Were you trying to get yourself killed?”
316. “When are you going to realize that I don’t care?”
317. “When I come back, that better be exactly where you found it!”
318. “When you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Especially then!”
319. “Where did that cat come from?”
320. “Where did you find this?”
321. “Where did you learn to dance?”
322. “Where were you? Do you have any idea how worried I was?”
323. “Who brought pot brownies to the bake sale?!”
324. “Who gave you that black eye?!”
325. “Who’s gonna stop me? You?”
326. “Why are you baking muffins at three in the morning?”
327. “Why are you covered in mud?”
328. “Why are you dressed like that?”
329. “Why are you lying?”
330. “Why are you up so early?”
331. “Why can’t they see that they’re meant for each other?”
332. “Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?”
333. “Why choose me?”
334. “Why do I even bother?”
335. “Why don’t they just kiss already?”
336. “Why don’t you say that to my face?”
337. “Why wouldn’t you come to me with your problems?”
338. “Will you just shut up for a moment so I can say something nice to you!”
339. “Will you please just give me a hand?”
340. “You are nothing like them.”
341. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
342. “You better have a good reason for waking me up at the ass-crack of dawn.”
343. “You braided his hair?”
344. “You broke what?!”
345. “You came back!”
346. “You can trust me.”
347. “You can’t just sit on the sidelines your whole life!”
348. “You can’t leave me in the dark. You have to tell me these things.”
349. "You can’t protect me.”
350. “You deserve so much better.”
351. “You did all of this for me?”
352. “You did this for me?”
353. “YOU DID WHAT?!”
354. “You didn’t tell me it was karaoke night…”
355. “You don’t have to stay.”
356. “You don’t know you the way I do.”
357. “You don’t need to protect me.”
358. “You fainted…straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”
359. “You got her pregnant?! What were you thinking?”
360. “You had me at ‘free pizza!’”
361. “You have no idea what I’ve done for you.”
362. “You have the most amazing eyes.”
363. “You have to make a choice.”
364. “You have to remember!”
365. “You haven’t even touched your food. What’s going on?”
366. “You heard me. Take. It. Off.”
367. “You know I wouldn’t do this if I had any other choice.”
368. “You know my name?”
369. “You know, it hurt when I realized that you’re not in love with me. But nothing can compare to the pain I felt when I saw you fall in love with him…”
370. “You know, it’s okay to cry.”
371. “You lied to me!”
372. ″You look beautiful.”
373. “You make me feel like I’m not good enough.”
374. “You need to leave. Right now.”
375. “You need to let her go.”
376. “You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you.”
377. “You never told me you had a fucking twin.”
378. “You say the nastiest things when you’re angry, so yes, I’m walking away from you now.”
379. “You shouldn’t have even been there!”
380. “You walked away. Not me.”
381. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.”
382. “You’ll be the death of me.”
383. “You’re hiding something from me.”
384. “You’re my one exception.”
385. “You’re not alone.”
386. “You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”
387. “You’re the only one I trust to do this.”
388. “You’re too good for me.”
389. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”
390. “You’ve only heard his side of the story. You never asked mine.”
and it hits you hardest
when you’re sitting in the car
in a parking lot
just watching the clouds grow darker
as the wind picks up and the rain is on its way.
when your song comes on but he’s not there
and the only thing that you can think of is him
and his smile
his contagious laugh that you love so much,
that you yearn to see
but he doesn’t want to see yours
i’m sure people have talked about it before but the potential for hilarity with a fake ah crew gavin who doesn’t know how to drive is so great to me
like maybe they’re in the middle of a heist and gavin and michael are paired off to cause mayhem somewhere, and they need to make a quick getaway but michael managed to smash up his glasses somehow (fuckin’ knew i should’ve worn contacts goddammit) so he tosses gavin the keys like “i can’t see shit, you gotta drive”
and gavin looks at michael, wide-eyed, and says, “well, i don’t know how.”
there’s a good few seconds of silence, and then michael deafens absolutely everyone in their right ears over the comms. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T DRIVE YOU’RE FUCKING TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW MIGHT AS WELL SHOVE THIS WHOLE FUCKING CAR UP MY ASS FOR ALL THE GOOD IT DOES US JESUS CHRIST”
they manage to make it back, michael driving and gavin yelping in terror every seven seconds, that’s a tree, that’s a tREE, michael, michael(YOU SHUT UP RIGHT NOW YOU DON’T GET TO COMPLAIN SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP)
and then michael collects the crew and points at gavin like “somebody better fuckin’ do something about this.”
jack sighs and hauls gavin out the door by his arm. they return less than an hour later. gavin looks sheepish. jack looks haunted.
“we went to an empty parking lot so he could practice. like three acres of empty space.”
“he managed to find and crash into every single fucking light pole. every single one. my car looks like it rolled down fucking mount chiliad.”
ryan shrugs and stands up and drags gavin back out to that same parking lot in his own car, gavin protesting the entire time. he gets gavin behind the wheel and then pulls a handgun out of his jacket and points it at gavin’s right knee.
“hit anything with my car and i shoot you. and then i’ll shoot you again for getting blood on the upholstery,” he says, talking over gavin’s yell of alarm. (gavin would argue with that logic but, well, ryan’s armed and he isn’t.)
it totally works. nobody can figure out why gavin always looks so stiff while he’s driving, though. keeps his hands at ten and two come hell or high water. ryan is quietly smug.
❝You’ve had your sights set on Kim Taehyung ever since you’ve moved into the apartment next door to him, the only problem is that your klutz gene makes it difficult to get within three feet of the boy before a freak accident of some sort occurs ❞
word count: 29k+
A/N: first of all i blame @bxebxee for the cumplay that occured in this hot mess, second of all IM SORRY its so long and third taehyung ended up a lot more… toxic than i anticipated so i wanted to warn against that and that i dont condone a lot of his actions/reactions or the toxicity of the relationship but its how his character and OC came out.
In which Harry’s no good with his words but he sure is good with his mouth.
some harry face sitting action maybe?
Author’s note: This is a continuation of “Mess o’ Mine.” I would suggest reading that first, if you haven’t already. I thought this was gonna be the end but then I fucked up so… there’s also a part 3. Hope you enjoy! I did!
You’ve been running through the events that have occurred, confused at the escalation and the outcome. No issues have been resolved, and there wasn’t really a conversation or discussion. You don’t know any more than you did when you heard Harry singing your poems. Has he used your writing in more songs on his album? Has he read your whole journal? God, you hope not. One poem is bad enough.
Harry hasn’t been around, hasn’t tried calling for the two weeks since he showed up on your doorstep. You’ve flipped the channel whenever he shows up on your television and scrolled at record speed when he’s popped up on your social media feeds. Maybe you should feel relieved and cleansed of his toxicity, but you don’t. Instead, you feel a little broken, like your stomach is splintering into pieces, and your mind still feels split open. Not only that, but you can smell him, feel the weight of him on top of you, taste the foreign flavor of his mouth. This isn’t what you need.
A whole other wave of confusion has rolled over you in terms of your relationship with Harry, if there still is one. The two of you have crossed a line without any prior thought or contemplation. Years upon years of friendship have been threatened, and you’re not even sure how it happened. Why did he kiss you? How did the two of you end up in bed, naked between the sheets? If you were confused about it before, trying to figure things out has only worsened your introspection.
God bless Johann Hari, everything he writes is the most erudite and prudent commentary on the so-called “opioid crisis”, and this one is another good one.
is a coherent story, put forward by serious and thoughtful people. But
there are some key facts that don’t fit. Here’s one: Doctors in many
parts of the world — including Canada and some European countries —
prescribe far more powerful opiates than their peers in the United
States. There, if you get hit by a car and you break your hip, you’ll
likely be given diamorphine (the medical name for heroin) to manage your
pain. Some people take it for long periods. If what we’ve been told is
right, they should become addicted in huge numbers.But
this doesn’t occur. the Canadian Journal of Medicine summarized the
best evidence, explaining, “there was no significant risk of addiction, a
finding common to all studies.”“
Hey! From that huge au list that you said you were accepting prompts on, could you possibly do stucky, the "I hit you with my car and I'm the only one who visited at the hospital, you okay?" with steve being the one hit by the car? It's a sick day for me and it feels like I've exhausted all good fanfiction... you're my only hope!
“Which flower arrangement says ‘I’m very sorry for running you over in my car’?” Bucky asks into his phone, frantically looking between an arrangement with tulips and an orchid.
There’s a long pause, then Natasha asks very level, very calm, “James?”
“What did you do?” she asks in that same, calm voice.
“I RAN SOMEONE OVER WITH MY CAR,” Bucky yells. “I JUST SAID THAT.”
“Excuse me sir,” says the little old woman shopping next to him.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry for yelling,” Bucky says. “I’ll be quiet.”
“No, no, dear, that’s not the issue,” she says.
“Oh, then am I in your way?” he asks.
“No, it’s just that I’m about to leave the store, and drive home. I’m hoping that you’ll give me a few minutes’ head start before you leave, too.”
He nods and smiles at the old lady, then goes back to his phone. “I wish I were dead,” he says, still smiling.
“Daffodils are nice,” Natasha says.
It’s probably presumptuous to go visit the guy you hit with your cat in the hospital and Bucky’s pretty sure that if his insurance company knew about Bucky going over there they’d be pissed, but you can’t just run someone over with your car and not visit them in the hospital. That’d just be bad form.
Bad form like not stopping all the way at a stop sign and grazing the pedestrian who is crossing the street.
He knocks on the door. “Uh, hi,” he says, looking at the guy laying in bed.
The guy sits up a little, then winces. “Hi,” he says. “You lost?”
“No, at least… I don’t think so. You’re Steve Rogers?” The guy nods. “Okay, well, I’m Bucky Barnes and I maybe sort of hit you with my car,” he says, hiding behind the bouquet of daffodils a little. He peeks out from behind it. “Sorry about that,” he adds.
The guy snorts. “Believe it or not, it’s not the first time I’ve been hit by a car,” he says, “and you just tapped me.” He shrugs. “Honestly, I wouldn’t even be in here if it weren’t for my pre-existing conditions.” He perks up a little. “Are those for me?” he asks, looking at the flowers.
“Yeah,” Bucky says, walking forward towards the bed and holding the flowers out to Steve. “They are! They’re… daffodils.”
“I’m horribly allergic,” Steve says, grinning. “Gimme.”
“Already in the hospital,” Steve says, taking the flowers and smelling them. The yellow looks nice with his soft blond hair and it’s kind of cute when his thick black frame glasses slip down his nose while he sniffs. “Wow! These are great.”
“I’m glad you like them,” Bucky says, trying not to blush because the guy he ran over with his car is really stinking cute.
“Thanks for coming,” Steve says.
“Oh, uh,” Bucky says, shoving his hands in his pockets. “It was the least I could do.”
“I’m I the hospital so much that my friends don’t even notice at this point, so it’s nice to have some company.” He’s still holding the flowers, and looks down at them again like he can’t believe he really has them, and Bucky wonders why his friends wouldn’t come visit him in the hospital when he is obviously the most adorable dork in all of New York City. He looks back up at Bucky. “You want some pudding?” he asks. “I have some extra.”
Two years later and Steve feeds Bucky a spoonful of pudding. “Yum,” Bucky says, smacking his lips together.
“I can’t believe you convinced the caterers to serve pudding,” Steve says, grinning.
“You know how some couples have special songs or places?” Bucky asks.
Steve nods. “Yeah,” he says.
“Well, our dessert is pudding,” he says.
Steve rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe you,” Steve says.
“And I still can’t believe that you agreed to marry some guy who ran you over with his car,” Bucky says.
Steve shrugs. “You didn’t have enough money to be worth suing,” he says. “And,” he adds, “you only grazed me.”
Bucky grins, leans in and kisses his new husband.
“And you grazed me with your love,” he says. “Same thing.”
“Not at all!” Steve squeaks and Bucky laughs and around them their friends and family dance awkwardly to a mediocre DJ and they’re husbands now, and Bucky will never, ever, run over anyone else for the rest of his life.
A/N: This has to be one of my favourite things that I’ve ever written :) Please pay attention to the dates and times! It begins in the present, and then there are a series of flashbacks. They’re all in chronological order for ease of reading, but please pay attention to the timings if you’re unsure!
With a cream envelope held between your fingers, you can’t prevent the smile from spreading across your lips. A greying memory slips into your mind, your eyes fluttering to a close as you let yourself get taken away to the land of fantasies.
Valentine’s day, two years ago, 1pm
At the sound of your name, you looked up. You were in a park, sitting on a picnic blanket. Surrounding you were hundreds of tiny daisies, scattered amongst the green grass like a sprinkling of icing sugar.
“Hmm?” You looked across the blanket to see Calum, your boyfriend, with a wide smile spread across his face.
Going with Harry to tape the BBC Radio 1 interview with Grimmy (Fluffy af)
Or when you have to keep secret that you filmed a video question for Harry…
“Nervous?” you ask before taking a large bite of toast with butter and jam.
“It’s just a normal chat with Nick,” he wipes the crumbs from your lip before you can swat his hand away, adding, “I’m just nervous for it to air.”
“Yeah, too bad we can’t be on the beach with Nicky when that happens,” you smirk from your perch on one of the tall stools by the breakfast bar.
Harry smacks your thigh lightly from his seat next to you, nearly spitting out his tea. “You know he hates when you call him that,” he tilts his head to the side as his body shakes silently with laughter.
“‘S’why I call ‘im that,” you say with a mouthful of jam.
It had been almost four months since you had left the
hospital. Your apartment was oddly silent and you were starting to feel like
something was missing. There were days when you would catch yourself staring
into space, smiling, as if you were living another life in your head. A life
you didn’t have access to.
Your therapist told you to be patient, you had to let your
brain recover and adjust. It was a topic that even Peggy and Tony avoided. You
realised the past few months had been hard on them too, so you decided to
pretend everything was fine.
They say when death is knocking at your door, life flashes before your eyes. You see much or the totality of your life history in chronological order, scenes and memories compiled into a fast and detailed movie.
But what happens when you’ve already greeted death in the past? What if death has already escorted you up the stairway to heaven?
Well, you don’t get much time to contemplate, because everything happens quickly. Streaks of blue flash by your eyes and suddenly there’s silence.
Until there isn’t.
You open one eye and hesitantly allow your vision to get used to the glaring gaze of the sun. Instead of the bright lights of heaven, you see trees, hubcaps of a car, and a very concerned-looking man staring from above. He bends over, gently taps your shoulder, and asks, “Miss, oh my God, are you okay?”
“I’m not dead?” you squeak, opening your other eye. There’s a loud ringing in your ears as your racing heartbeat struggles to calm itself. You pat every area of your body, shock etching on your face as you realize you’re very much not dead. “I’m alive!!” you loudly squeal.
How in the guardian of the gates’ name did this happen? How are you alive with barely a scratch on you? It’s impossible for a human to survive or prevent this type of accident-
It’s impossible for a human to survive or prevent this type of accident. Chills travel up your spine as it hits you how you survived. Of course!