hit with an ax

Random joke magic items

Here’s a list of random joke items to use for fun in your campaign. I’d recommend adding them to treasure hoards rather than subbing normal items for them.
Anyway here they are:

1. Ace of Spades - An ace of spades from a standard card deck. No matter where you store it on your body, you will always be able to find it in your right sleeve afterwards.

2. Amulet of Extra Amulet Slot - This amulet allows you to gain the benefit from two magical amulets rather than one. It cannot be further enchanted.

3. Amulet of Feather Fall - When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.

4. Amulet of Unbreaking Bones - Con-man says you can’t break any bones. Really, he means other’s bones. -100% damage against skeletons.

5. Amulet of weather detection - yells that it is or is not raining.

6. Anti-Matches - A box of matches. Striking one will make it begin to drip water from the tip while the match shrivels away. The amount of water a match releases is about enough to fill a tablespoon.

7. Arrow of Euarere - A silver arrow, suspended on a string. It always points to the person holding the string.

8. Arrow of Slaying, The - This magical arrow is capable of killing a creature.

9. Artist’s Bludgeon, The - Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change color.

10. Attentive Guardsman’s Pike - These ornate and deadly-looking ceremonial pikes are reach weapons and appear to weigh at least 20 lbs, not counting the weight of the fluttering banners that can be unfurled for parade use. Constructed of shadowstuff, they weigh one pound, and inflict only a single point of damage on an attack, being almost entirely for show, although they also have the unique property of remaining in place when set (although unable to support more than 20 lbs), allowing a ‘resting his eyes’ guardsman to prop it up and leave it standing under its own power, while his hand sags off of it.

11. Attentive Guardsman’s Tabard - A dozen of these tabards were fashioned for palace guardsmen in the Empire of Sard, 250 miles from the nearest enemy. The bearer is placed under a glamour that causes him to appear alert and awake, even if his eyes are closed and he is snoring lightly.

12. Axe of Big Numbers - This axe shouts “Big numbers baby, come on!” whenever it is swung, but always deals 1 damage or less.

13. Axe of Empathy - Every time you hit something with this +5 greataxe, you get dealt an equal amount of damage. Both you and the thing you hit are then healed the amount of damage dealt by the axe, even if either are dead. The Axe hopes you have learned your lesson.

14. Axe of Pain - The axe is always moaning and groaning with pain.

15. Bag of Faerie Gold - This sack appears to be full of gold coins and jewels. When one attempts to spend them, however, the glamour on them soon vanishes, revealing them to be nothing but leaves and pebbles. Obviously, most shopkeepers will not be happy about this, and no amount of ‘we didn’t know, I swear!’ will change their mind.

16. Bag of Holding - This item functions as a normal backpack, however when attempting to retrieve an item, a calm female voice tells them there is a wait time of 4d10 minutes before they can retrieve their item (actual time is stated time plus 6d6 additional minutes). During this wait, the bag plays either annoying muzak or advertisements for the bag’s creator’s other products/services. Upon attempting to retrieve an item, there is a chance that the wrong item is retrieved, or that the intended item is simply missing. Obtaining the original item requires an additional 4d10+6d6 minutes and has only a 5% chance of success.

17. Bag of Trading - You can take one thing out of the bag for each object you put in the bag. However, you have no control over what you get, and there are no trade-backs. Past research seems to imply there’s some sort of correlation to what gets you what, but it’s extremely convoluted and far from understood.

18. Bag of Trick - This bag operates like a Bag of Tricks, except it only works once a week and produces a rat each time it is used.

19. Bag of Unholding - Quite a large backpack but even the smallest item doesn’t fit.

20. Bagpipe of Stealth - Grants the user invisibility as long as it is being played.

21. Ball of Eyes - A snow-globe filled with miniature eyeballs. When shaken, it grants the user a blurry, jittery vision of some future event.

22. Banana Walkie-Talkies - There exist two, and only two, of these items in the world. One of which is possessed by a cranky and lonely half-orc. It appears to be an innocuous wooden banana with a coat of faded yellow paint. When an end (doesn’t matter which one) is placed against your ear, you can hear a ringing followed by a click and a half-orc yelling at you for waking him up at this ungodly hour. If you drop the banana or “hang up,” the call ends. If you stay and listen, the half-orc will yell at you, call out obscenities, and start going on about his daily problems and mishaps in his love life. Every so often (2% chance/day), the banana will ring while you are sleeping and the half-orc will want to talk to you about his problems.

23. Barrel of Holding - This large wooden barrel measuring √(12/π) feet in diameter and 5 feet in height can hold up to 15 cubic feet of matter.

24. Beam Sword of Severed Nerves - A beam sword. It cannot cut anything but nerve strings. Will pass through any other material leaving no harm.

25. Belt of Pants - This belt creates illusory pants on the wearer. The wearer can suppress the illusion at will

26. Belt of Tightening - Every time you put this belt on, all of your clothes permanently shrink a fraction of a millimeter. The effect is compound.

27. Belt of Unbathed Breath - When worn around the waist, allows the user to breathe underwater. Does not function when wet.

28. Boogie Skeleton - This pile of bones is small, such as one that might be obtained from a bird or a toad, though it can look as though it came from any creature. When a song is sung or played in the vicinity of the skeleton, it begins to dance appropriately. As soon as the music stops, it collapses into the pile of bones again. The skeleton, when dancing, can be no larger than Diminutive.

29. Book of Canon - A book that automatically transforms into a copy of the sacred text of any religion, translated into the language the user is most familiar with.

30. Book of Confusion - The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time. The book is a bad novel about zombies.

31. Book of Curses - When opened, the book verbally berates anyone in the immediate vicinity, calling into question their combat ability, intellect, personal hygiene, lineage and profession of their mothers, and other delightful insults. Once closed the book continues shouting (although it is muffled) until placed inside a bag or some other similar container for 1d4+1 minutes and ignored. Replying to the book in any other way causes the insults to get louder and more childish the more time you spend replying to it.

32. Book of Exalted Deeds - Contains a listing of some of the finest houses ever sold and the specifics of the titles to the properties.

33. Boots of Blinding Speed - The wearer’s speed is doubled, and they are blinded.

34. Boots of Levitation - These boots levitate a few inches off the ground when not worn.

35. Boots of Stylishness - Knee high black boots that are always clean and shiny. They never take in water, thus feet are always dry.

36. Boots of Teleportation - Allows the player to teleport wherever they like, but don’t carry the wearer with them when activated; the boots teleport just fine, though.

37. Boots of Walking - The wearer of the boots cannot run, nor can he take a double move action, and takes a -5 to Tumble checks. These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do.

38. Bottle of Air - It’s a bottle. Full of air. Congratulations.

39. Bottomless Beer Mug - Any liquid poured into this mug treats the bottom as incorporeal, but solid objects don’t.

40. Bowl of Comfortable Warmth - Any liquid in the bowl will feel comfortably warm, so icy cold water will feel like it’s a bit over room temperature. Do note, however, that it’s still icy cold water, it just feels warmer.

50. Breastplate of Secret Detection - If the wearer of this breastplate gains a piece of information that is somehow connected to the concealment of a hidden conspiracy or plot, a live and still wet red herring forms on the inside of the armor.

51. Bullying Gloves - At random intervals, these gloves instil the wearer with a near-irresistible urge to hit themselves.

52. Bunyan’s Belt - When worn, causes an enormous, bushy black beard to appear on the wearer’s face.

53. Cape of Resistance - When this item is placed on any living thing it somehow manages to fall off, untie itself, slip past the owner’s neck entirely, or otherwise avoid being worn.

54. Case of the Litigator - Translates any document placed in the case into legal jargon; non-reversible. Does not confer the ability to understand legal jargon.

55. Cat of Schrodinger - When this cat is not being observed in any way it is both dead and alive. When something observes it, it suddenly becomes either dead or alive with a 50% chance of either.

56. Chair of Steadiness - This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.

57. Charles - This small, unremarkable figurine of a gnome refuses to be called anything but Charles. No other name will leave the lips of the speaker. It has no other powers.

58. Chime of Interruption - This instrument can be struck once every round, which takes a standard action. On any round the chime is activated the user may ready one action without spending an action to do so.

59. Chime of Opening - Commonly affixed to or near doors, when pressed it emits a sound on the interior of the owner’s home to let them know guests have arrived.

60. Chime of Opening (Alternate) - When struck against a solid surface, this chime emits a loud click, and opens along its length, to reveal a tiny compartment adequate to conceal a single 'smoke’ worth of pipeweed or a blowgun needle. When the compartment is closed, it is seamless and can be detected only with a DC 20 Search check. If hit with an instrument such as a small mallet, it chimes.

61. Cloak of Billowing - This black and silver cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.

62. Cloak of Displacement, Minor - This item appears to be a normal cloak, but when worn by a character its magical properties distort and warp reality. When any attack is made against the wearer the cloak has a 20% chance of falling off, no matter how it is secured.

63. Compacting hammer - The force imparted by it is multiplied, but is spread around the surface of a struck object facing inward.

64. Cymbal of Symbols - This musical instrument enables the user to comprehend dead languages, but only while they are deafened by noise.

65. Dagger of Told Secrets - A simple-looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper your most embarrassing secret to that person.

66. Dagger of unnatural sharpness - The blade is exceptionally sharp to your touch. It confers no combat bonuses but can be used as a normal dagger for fighting or crafting, but the user seems to always cut himself in minor ways when using it.

67. Dagger of Untold Secrets - A simple looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper the most embarrassing secret of that person to you.

68. Decanter of Endless Sorrow - A pewter flask that produces limitless alcohol when held to their lips by someone who is troubled. It gets them drunk but they never feel any better.

69. Diadem of Brothaurity - When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can’t stop calling everyone bro.

70. Enchanted Book of Collected Stories - Opening this will cause miniature creatures/people to pour out and perform a chapter from the book much like a theater.

71. Focusing Ring - The digit on which this ring is worn can be viewed in extremely high definition from a great distance.

72. Gloves of Tinkering - Wearing the gloves will make you able to almost repair any broken item. However, you will always end up with pieces from the item that don’t seem to fit anywhere.

73. Glowing sword of orc detection - When it gets orc blood on it the sword glows.

74. Good Luck ring - Gives your enemies good luck!

75. Greater Staff of Random Summoning - Summons a random creature at a random place. You could be summoning a giant Ogre on the other side of the globe for all you know.

76. Helm of Awareness, The - The wearer is acutely aware of the fact that they are wearing this helmet and that it has a magical effect. - All you need to do to make this work as a DM is frequently remind the player that the helm is magical while they are wearing it but be evasive about exactly what it does.

77. Hoarder’s Wand - Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.

78. Hood of Offensive Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others to the appearance of the person they most personally dislike.

79. Hood Of Worrisome Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others, however the identity used will be random.

80. Indestructible Notebook of Memories - This otherwise normal notepad of normal notepad size cannot be damaged or destroyed, and anything written in it cannot be obscured or defaced. It also has unlimited pages despite its finite size. However, the data it holds only lasts as long as the writer independently remembers it, and decays in exact proportion to the relevant memories. Remember who and when, but not where? Then the words describing the location in that particular entry are the only ones gone.

81. Intransigent Rod - When the button on this artifact is pressed in, the holder’s opinions solidify and they become impossible to convince.

82. Key to anywhere - opens any door into a closet with a water bucket that falls and hits the player’s head. Inside this closet is the treasure of true adventurers. If opened with a key, it opens a closet…

83. Lunch Box of Delicious Unfulfillment - This lunch box will hold whatever food you desire. However you will never get full and the food will deliver no nourishment.

84. Mask of Concealment - Hides the wearer’s face and conceals everything from them by blocking their eyes! Bonus points for requiring a strength check or a time limit to expire to be removed.

85. Mattress of Poverty, The - No matter how you fluff this gorgeous, thick, mattress, you will always sleep on the thin part of it.

86. Mug O’ Dissatisfaction - A mug that always produces a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea when tapped on the bottom. It conjures the opposite of what the tapper prefers, so if you like tea you get coffee and vice versa. Handing the full mug to another person will make the drink in it transform to the opposite of that person’s preferences.

87. Murder Dagger - All damage it would deal is instead replaced by the target being harassed by crows for that many hours.

88. Needle Of Learned Compromise - This needle will create beautiful tattoos of any design, however they hurt a tiny bit more. When used to sew it is entirely normal.

89. Portable Dark Tavern Corner - Consisting of two wooden boards connected by a hinge, this artifact draws those nearby into assuming it is a perfect spot to conduct seedy business.

90. Potion of fire breathing - For the length of time that the potion is in effect, every breath out is on fire, whether you want it to be or not.

91. Potion of Quelchment - Cures thirst when consumed

92. Ring of Fire Detection - becomes warm when placed into Fire.

93. Ring of First Impression - Wearing the ring will make you able to perform a perfect handshake with the hand wearing it.

94. Ring of Stoneskin - Turns your skin, muscles, and organs into stone! Character is now a stationary statue. Can’t be reversed until someone takes the ring off.

95. Rope of Entanglement - Becomes entangled when left in a pack

96. Sack of Hive Eggs - Crushing one of the numerous tiny eggs will cause the thoughts of everybody in the proximity to merge. Everybody can hear what you think and you can hear everybody.

97. Shirt of fire protection - this shirt is sopping wet.

98. Shoes of the Restless Traveler - These shoes allow their user to run for miles without feeling fatigue, but if they try to do anything else with it (walk, sit down, jump), they will instantly trip

99. Sword of Parrying - Parries every attack, swinging it yourself will force it to “parry” your opponent’s weapon/attack even though he/she/it is defenseless.

100. Torch of Night Vision - grants bearer Night Vision while lit.

101. Vorpal Grindstone - It can “sharpen” any object to become vorpal. Any object.

102. Wand of command - Lets your character be controlled after saying the command word!

103. Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand - Creates a Wand of Create Wand. Consumes original Wand.

104. Wand of Pigeon Summoning - summons 1d20 pigeons everyday. On a 20 it breaks and summons a giant pigeon god (can be the size of Godzilla or like 5 pigeons.) Giant pigeon god should be in the mid 20s for CR, but is uninterested in attacking, and will simply fly away when summoned.

105. Water Hat, The - A small red hat, when worn, causes water to pour from the wearer’s fingers at the speed and pressure of a kitchen faucet at half power.

106. Wineskin of the Eternal Primary - This wineskin never runs out of water, but even the tiniest sip makes you have to go potty, like, super bad. Right now.

Jack while continuously throwing up and catching a battle axe:Hey guys this is Jack from Achievement Hunter and you’re watching AHWU!” *tosses the axe behind his back and hits the shelves. Camera cuts to Michael buried under diapers and Jeremy is passed out on his desk with an arrow in his back. Ryan is standing there with cheez-its in one hand and a katana in the other. Gavin can be heard screaming in the background. Geoff hasn’t been seen for days*

Can I throw the giant rat into the lava? Or do I have to hit it golf style with the side of my battle axe
—  Me (our fighter) just before throwing the rat in lava

I am Jasmine Masters 👩🏾👩🏾 and I have something to say 🗣. Rupaul’s 👴🏽👸🏽 Drag Race 🏁 has fucked up drag 👩🏽‍🎤💃🏻. Bottom 👏🏼 line 👏🏼, cut 👏🏼and 👏🏼 dry ✂️🏜. Yes, I was on the show 📺 , I got on the show 📺 just because I needed a goddamn 🙏🏼🙏🏼 pay raise 📈and I got tired of seeing bitches 👩‍👩‍👧come from out of town🌚💫🌖, this is nothing to none of the girls👩‍👧‍👧, I’m just saying 🗣. I got tired🤦🏾‍♂️ of some of you bitches 👩‍👩‍👧👩‍👧‍👧coming to town🛬🏘, not having eyelash glue 👁, bobby pins ✔️and safety pins🔗, and wh- duct tape🎞, whatever you needed, but y’all got it from me 💇🏾and y’all was making way more 💸💵 than ME…have your asses 🍑🍑came before?…….…..and I 👩🏾 can get it, but I also said it’s the show 📺 that’s for something that I do 💃🏾. I am drag queen👠, I am an entertainer 🎭🎭, whatever, female impersonator🚶🏾‍♀️👩🏼‍⚕️. I do what RuPaul👴🏽👸🏽 does. So why not get on this show 📺, so I can make some extra coin💿 dollars💵💸 and see the world 🌎🗿🌃and meet some new people👫👬🕺🏽. But, the show 📺 been on now 8️⃣ years, and from those 8️⃣ years the drag scene 💃🏼🎬has really went down hill📉🏔. It’s just fucked up. Now, bitches 🐶🐶 are wearing panties 👙🎀and bras 👙on stage and thinking that they are fucking sickening 👩🏼‍🎤💁🏼and the crowd 👨‍👨‍👧‍👦👩‍👩‍👧think they sickening👩🏼‍🎤💁🏻 ‘cause they’s been on the show 📺 and the..GIRL👧🏽….Let me tell 🗣you, you young 👶🏻 generation🤰🏻something, you could like what you like🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈, and I’m not knocking👊🏼 what peop- how people 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦 want to express themselves in drag 👩🏼‍🎤💃🏽, but honey 🍯🍯 that’s not 🙅🏽‍♂️❌ drag👩🏾‍🎤💃🏿, that’s not the drag👩🏻‍🎤👨🏻‍🎤💃🏼 I know about, so when you ask axe 🔪 me 👩🏾 those types of questions ❓❓ and I tell you I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♂️❓, I’m not being funny 🤡🤡. I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️. I’m not in that drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏽 era or…..Baby👶🏻👶🏼, I’m 3️⃣9️⃣ years goddamn, I’m 3️⃣9️⃣ years old, and when I started 👶🏾👶🏾 doing drag👨🏿‍🎤💃🏽, I had a hot glue gun🔫🔫 and I have rhinestones💎💎🔴🔮and I have feathers 🐥🐥 and I have fucking cardboard 📦 cutting up✂️🆙 stuff up making earrings 💕⚓️whatever we could do; creative🎉🎉. That’s the drag👨🏼‍🎤💃🏽 I came from, that’s the drag👩🏻‍🎤💃🏻 I know 👩🏾 about. I wasn’t brought up 👶🏾 wearing my panties and bras 👙👙 on stage AND🕓 AND🕘 AND 🕢AND 🕚AND 🕛 reaching 🙋🏾‍♂️🙋🏾‍♂️ for something that ain’t there 📵. I’m not that dra- I didn’t grow up 👶🏾👶🏾 that way, I didn’t have Youtube 💻🖥⌨️ to teach 👨🏻‍🏫 me👨🏾‍💻. I had somebody 🎅🏼🎅🏼show me and I learned 👨🏽‍🔬👨🏽‍💼and I asked questions❓❓. So when you 👱🏼‍♀️ come to me 👩🏾 with that shit 💩 💩 and I tell you I really don’t know 🤷🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️, I don’t know🤷🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️. It’s not drag 👩🏽‍🎤💃🏽to me 🙅🏽‍♂️🙅🏾. I’m not putting no one down💉🐶 💀 , I’m not saying 🚫🗣 that I’m better than nobody👤. That’s just not fucking drag 👩🏽‍🎤💃🏽 to me🙅🏾🙅🏽‍♂️. You’ve been watching Youtube💻🖥👨🏻‍💻 and drag queens 💃🏽👩🏻‍🎤from Rupaul’s 👴🏽👸🏽 Drag Race 🏁 and you think 💭 that’s the only drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏽 that there is, well I’m sorry sweetheart 💝, that is not 🚫. Yes, I have done pageants 👑 , I told 🗣 you to do it damn. This is for somebody 🎅🏼 who try to let me have it but I ain’t goin to say 🚫🗣 their name ‘cause they’re 👨‍👩‍👧 probably tryin’ to get some exposure ☀️ but grind don’t you ditch out your name ✍🏽, I’m just gonna let you have it in a nice way💋. Bitch 🐶🐶, I told you to do the little bar pageant 👶🏻🍻👑 at your damn, at- in the city 🏘 that you was in. You said “no 🚫, I don’t wanna do it ‘cause I don’t wanna be labeled 🗂 as the pageant girl 👸🏻.” But bitch 🐶🐶, 1️⃣ thing about a pageant 👑 that I learned that I have doing for years 👵🏾, it molds you to be professional👨🏾‍💼, girl 👧🏼. It really does. ‘Cause you know you have to be there for a certain time 🕔 for registration🗒 or you’re gonna get docked 🛳. You know gotta come in there with your shit 💩 prepared 📱💗 PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱, you know you got categories to make your dress for and everything, so I’m not sitting there trying to 📱💗 PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱umm, force 💪🏾 you to do something that you may not wanna do, it’s just the experience 👨🏽‍💼 of doing it so you could know all the shit 💩 so when you get into a show 🏃🏽‍♀️, you know if it’s 3️⃣ girls 👩‍👧‍👧you have enough time 🕠. Ok bitch 🐶🐶, I 👩🏾 can get through it ‘cause you already done it in the pageant 👑 so you had that experience 👨🏽‍💼. But if you wanna take your ass 🍑🍑 out there believing RuPaul’s 👴🏽👸🏽Drag Race 🏁🏁 is what drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏿 is about, bitch 🐶🐶 your ass 🍑 gonna be in the same gutter like some of the rest of you girls 👩‍👧‍👧 that ain’t going nowhere 🚫. Because all y’all look the damn same 👯👯. You all got the same fucking face 👱🏼‍♀️👱🏼‍♀️👱🏼‍♀️, you all got the same goddamn Dollar General 💵or Family Dollar 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦💵 panties and bra set 👙. That ain’t drag. I’m sorry it’s not drag👩🏻‍🎤💃🏼. Everybody wanna wear these damn leotards 👯👯to the fucking club🍹. Bitch🐶🐶, can ya add a damn RHINESTONE ♦️💎 to it. Why you wear leo-. For 1️⃣, it’s winter ☃️ out here in California, I know it’s winter ☃️ everywhere else, everybody’s ass ❄️🍑is freezing. But you still go out in a leotard 👯. GOING TO the club 🍾? 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES💗📱 But you’re not 👩🏽‍🍳❌ serving it. You are NOT serving I’m sorry to tell you 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱bitch 🐶🐶 that ain’t cute. Your ass 🍑 is like your ass ❄️🍑 is freezing 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱. I don’t care about how many stockings you got on your pants👖 bitch it’s ☃️cold 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES💗📱. And that’s the drag 👩🏻‍🎤that we are in tod- and it’s 📱💗PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱 not fucking drag, it’s not drag. Then when you see a girl 📱💗 PHONE VIBRATES 💗📱come out all glamorous 🎎 and all this, “OHHH WOW OOOOooo”, and all, no bitch. “SHE OLD SCHOOL 👵🏾🏫” not bitch 🐶🐶 she ain’t nobody 👤 old school 🏫, bitch old school’s 👵🏾🏫 the one that got you to the new school 👶🏼🏫. And panties and bras 👙 is not the damn way. SIMPLE. Now if I hurt 👊🏼 anybody’s feelings 🙍🏻‍♂️ by this video 🎥 that was not my intent but I just got tired 🙇🏽of these queens 🤴🏼🤴🏼🤴🏼hitting me up axing 🔪me about this stuff, I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♀️. I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♀️ where the best place to get a corset 🤰🏻, bitch I have never even WORN a corset🤰🏻, my waist size is a 2️⃣6️⃣. I’m 3️⃣9️⃣☠️! I don’t know where to get corsets🤰🏻 and things and from and garter belts⛓, bitch 🐶🐶 I don’t wear that stuff that’s not my zhush 🚱, that’s not 🚷in my foregay 4️⃣🌈 I don’t do that. So I’m not being rude🐲. Again I’m just saying 🗣, I don’t know 🤷🏾‍♀️. But it’s not drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏼for me, that’s just ‘bitch let me pull out my momma panties 👵🏼👙and go on stage and make all this money 💰’, I’m sorry. And if anybody hear this from….some show 📺. Don’t come calling ☎️📞 me talkin’ bout you can’t…no bitch 🐶🐶, it’s your fucked up drag 👩🏻‍🎤💃🏼 bitch 🐶🐶. BOTTOM 👏🏼 LINE, 👏🏼 CUT 👏🏼 AND 👏🏼 DRY ✂️🏜. It is what is is 💁🏽‍♂️🖐🏽.

WHEN (not if, get fucked if people cancel this film series) we get more films

I can’t wait for the other Rangers to get their weapons

I liked the little homage to Trini’s daggers when she threw whatever it was she grabbed at Rita, she’d be awesome with a pair of badass yellow power daggers, literally the only one immediately competent with her weapons and she overuses them, she needs to like…calm down maybe not everything is “I bet I can hit that with a dagger”

Zack had his pick axe action when they were digging out the coins, so imagine when he gets his power axe like this dude is going to LOVE HIS DAMN AXE LOOK AT MY AXE GUYS. BOOM. BOULDER IS NOW TWO BOULDERS. He’s like Thor but with an axe. He names it.

Billy smacking people around with his power lance, swinging it around like awww yea, knives on each end apologising like crazy when he accidentally cracks Kim around the head with it, and really doesn’t when he wins several spars purely from tripping the others over with it

Kim getting annoyed because the others keep whistling the Mockingjay tune when she draws her power bow back, she keeps getting asked what her elf eyes see and can we all just stop calling her Hawkeye and or Merida pls thanks, let her just take this damn shot

3
History Meme: 7 couples (1/7)
Hans Hermann von Katte & Frederick the Great

The story of Hans and Frederick is perhaps one of the most tragic historical love stories of all time. Hans was a nobleman from birth, coming from a long line of aristocratic military men, but even then he wasn’t high enough on the social ranks to be associating  with the likes of the royal family. However, this hardly stopped the crown prince, Frederick, from getting to know and befriending him. It is unclear when the two first met, but it is said that when he and the prince attended the same private mathematics and mechanics class, the two became fast friends. Wilhelmine, Frederick’s older sister, frequently admonished her brother for acquainting himself with those who were ‘below them’. This did nothing to change Frederick’s mind about the young lieutenant that had caught his fancy. Together the two boys shared a love for poetry, the flute and the French language. Based on their letters to one another, it can be inferred that they both spoke in French between them. As the years went on, Hans became the prince’s close confidant as well as his protector. In fact, the lieutenant was known to have stood guard while the prince practiced playing his instrument so that he wouldn’t get punished for it if someone were to find out and tell the King. The closeness of the pair didn’t escape the attention of the Prussian court and for a while it was wildly speculated that they were in fact, lovers. Some even said that they “behaved like a master and a mistress” when they were together.
In 1730, Frederick trusted Hans enough to tell him about his plan to run to Britain to escape his father’s abuse. Hans, although he understood his beloved’s reasons, did not support the idea of the crown prince abandoning his country and did all that he could to convince Frederick that there was another way. During this time, Hans was the only person Frederick trusted to deliver correspondence between him and his sister so Hans frequently visited the princess. Wilhelmine, who wasn’t at all fond of Hans, accused him of poisoning her brother’s mind with ideas of escaping, to which Hans replied: “As long as I am with that beloved prince, I shall prevent his executing his designs,”. When the princess heard this, she told the lieutenant that he was putting his life on the line even if he opposed to her brother’s plans. Hans simply answered: “If I lose my head, it will be in a good cause. But the prince will not forsake me,”. In the end, Hans supported Frederick’s decision to leave. Together the two of them, along with their dear friend Keith, plotted to leave at separate times and meet up at the town of Leipzic so they could go over to England. The night the prince was scheduled to leave, he wrote to his beloved: “I am off, my dear Katte. My precautions are well taken, so I have nothing to fear. I shall go through Leipzic,  where I shall pass myself for the marquis d'Ambreville. I have already sent word to Keith, who is to go straight to England. Lose no time, for I expect to meet you at Leipzic. Adeiu! Be of good cheer,” Unfortunately, Hans was held up at a town and was caught before he could make his escape. Frederick had a good head start, but he too was captured and the both of them were thrown into prison, accused of treason. Both of them were interrogated roughly and subjected to prisoner-like living conditions for months. Although Hans confessed to being an accomplice of Frederick, he defended his beloved’s decision and never once mentioned that Wilhelmine was a part of their plans. Frederick was said to have given the guards nothing but haughty, harsh and insulting answers, refusing to subject himself to his father’s will. When he did say his side of the story, his alibi lined up perfectly with Katte’s. Frederick William, the prince’s father, was so outraged that he wanted to put his son to death. However, the Holy Roman Emperor opposed to this idea since Frederick is the crown prince and the heir to the Prussian crown. He turned all of his anger towards the unfortunate Hans, who was only initially sentenced with life imprisonment. His executioner refused the command twice and even apologized to Hans when he was sent to escort him to the execution site. The young lieutenant smiled and replied: “I die for a prince whom I love, and I have the consolation to give him, by my death, the strongest proof of attachment that can be required. I do not regret the world,”. Frederick in the meantime was brought to an apartment with a view of the execution stand. He thought that he was going to be executed, but the knowledge that Katte was safe gave him a little comfort. In the morning, the prince was awakened and was forced to look out the window where his love was standing at the scaffold. Frederick attempted to to throw himself out the window, but was held back by the guards. “Delay the execution!” the prince screamed, “I am ready to renounce my right to the crown if his majesty will pardon Katte!” then turning to Hans, Frederick switched to speaking French and said: “Please forgive me, my dear Katte, in God’s name, forgive me!” Hans had nothing but a smile when he called back, “If I had a thousand lives, I would sacrifice them all for you. There is nothing to forgive, I die for you with joy in my heart!” Before the axe hit Hans’ neck, Frederick had already fainted away. After he awoke, the prince became so ill that his life was in danger for three consecutive days. He was ravaged by hallucinations and nightmares and even refused to take any medicine. Frederick calmed down, however, when he was told that his mother and sister would die if he did. Days later, when the prince was in a better state of health, guards came by to ask him to write a letter resigning himself to his father’s will. At first, the prince refused but, feeling like he had nothing to fight for, he eventually stopped fighting and gave in. Wilhelmine mentioned in her memoir that for weeks, her brother insisted on wearing the brown coat that he was given as a prisoner until it was battered and torn, because it was similar to the one Katte wore when he was killed. Frederick remained in a state of depression for quite some time until he shook himself out of it and never spoke of Hans ever again. Through his life, he never fell romantically for any other man or woman nor did he participate in any kind of sexual activity. (All quotes were taken from Wilhelmine’s memoirs)

Jack Falahee as Hans von Katte Toby Regbo as Frederick the Great

honestly, i just can’t get over monty’s scene in 4x02 where he frees the people instead of killing the ice nation warrior. his actions are so tied together with what we know about his father in that moment - with such a surprising outcome - that i can’t help myself but literally scream and declare my undying love for my stormcloud and hero - because that is what he is to me, lets be real.

like, remember when hannah and pike told him about his father in 3x02?:

Monty: I need to know what happened.

Hannah: Monty…

Monty: Please.

Hannah: We landed in the snow. Your father said it absorbed some of the impact. That’s why we survived. The snow looked so beautiful, it… Charles?

Pike: The children were playing in it. They were the first to die… 15 of them. If not for your father, would’ve been more. He pulled 4 kids back into the ship, all 4 alive today. They got him when he went back for the fifth. Your father died a hero, Monty.

when monty is confronted with the person who killed his father in 4x02 and bryan tells him that this is his kill (suggesting revenge) we see bellamy tell him that he doesn’t have to do this, because monty is thrust into a corner in which he has to make a rather hard decision - one that is not just gonna affect him, but will also affect the people around him. but then monty says “yeah i do”, and all initial thoughts are cracked open and pushed into another direction.

i get chills every time now, because i know he is going to use the axe to break the chains (three strong hits) and free the slaves. and just, i’m so aware of how much that action contrasts his first choice. to take the hydro generator and leave farm station without saving the 25 people and sacrifice them for the greater good? that decision is juxtaposed the second he uses the axe, a tool that is so drastically associated with violence and death, to free the people.

and it gets even wilder:

he literally gives riley a nod that says “this is your kill”.

and they do. they attack the ice nation warrior and kill him with their bare hands (what a crazy way to put emphasis on the fact that the slaves can use their hands now btw. while the axe, a deathly tool, frees them from the chains around their wrists, we also see that once they get to freedom, they get to use it to kill someone). and i know, people like to mention how monty indirectly gets his revenge through the 25 people, but i think the greater part of all this is that he is actually (partly) coming out as a hero, just like pike told him his father were. conflicted yes, but also willing to finish what they have started.

it’s an act (decision) that sits heavily on his shoulders, one he never had the chance to even remotely prepare himself for, unlike with the hydro generator, but this was a big moment for him, especially as a person, nonetheless.

he can be so hauntingly calculating during missions, but then he can also be ready for other dramatic shifts that highlight the kindred spirit that he is. i really wonder how this experience will affect him personally and his mindset over the course of the show tbh, considering that they couldn’t bring home the one thing they went to farm station for, but still got to save lifes. there is a reason the writers played with two choices and it’s exciting as much as it is unsettling. it’s clear that he is going to have to make more hard decisions in the future…

anyway. i’m rambling but god, the stakes are truly higher than ever before. i don’t think i’m ready for this season after all lmao.

anonymous asked:

Something I've always wondered: how practical are throwing knives/axes in a fight? What's to prevent them from spinning too fast/too slow and hitting with the non-bladed end?

Throwing axes are fairly practical. At least, they saw a fair amount of use historically. They’re light weight, and easy enough to train on, but still retain enough mass to do considerable damage on impact.

Throwing knives are more of a novelty trick. They lack the mass of an axe, and are a lot more finicky to connect with. You can throw them, but it’s not a great option.

Spin speed is controlled by the thrower. Really, this one is that simple. It’s a skill they need to practice. As I said earlier, knife throwing is trickier. It’s very easy to screw that up and accidentally connect with the hilt, if you don’t know what you’re doing. In contrast, axe throwing is fairly easy. On contact, the mass of the head will do most of the work for you, so even botching a throw so the haft connects first will usually result in a hit (somewhere). Ideally, with an axe, you want the weapon to make one complete rotation in air, and connect head first.

-Starke

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I will make them pay for this

Originally posted by dailyalexhogh

Pairing: IvarxReader
Rating: Explicit
Words: 3735
Warning: Mention of rape and death, a little bit of blood, cursing, a fight

Notes: Hello everyone! Here’s my second one-shot which prevented me from studying for my upcoming exam! But I’m not complaining! English is not my native language, I’m sorry if there’s any mistakes. I hope you’ll enjoy it!


You could hear the laughs and music coming from the feast, which took place in the great hall, not too far from the hut you shared with your husband Ivar. It was a celebration night, like every night was since the sons of Ragnar came back a week ago, boats full of gold, silver and slaves. You wished you could have gone with them; it’s been a long time since you fought and you missed it. But, you were a mother of two beautiful babies now, your son Sigtrygg was 5 years old and your daughter Freydis was 3. They became the most important thing in your life; you had to stay alive to raise and protect them. 

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I HIT IT WITH MY AXE is back!!!

9

Today I visited Lizzie Borden’s house in Fall River. It is currently a museum and B&B in which you can spend the night! Lizzie Andrew Borden was an American woman accused, tried, and acquitted for the brutal axe murder of her father and her stepmother in 1892. The murder took place on August 4, 1892, inside the family home. Lizzie’s stepmother, Abby, was killed first. She was first hit with the axe on the side of the head which caused her to fall to the ground. Evidence shows her killer then sat on her back and continued to hit her on the back of the head with the axe a total of 19 times. Her father, Andrew was hacked to death while he slept on the sofa. Throughout the investigation, Lizzie kept contradicting herself and changing her story. She behaved strangely and on one occasion, was seen burning a dress, claiming she had spilt paint on it. She was taken to trial and acquitted and went back to live in Fall River where the crime took place despite being ostracised by many locals who believed her to be guilty.

  • Travis: Now, is there still like a pile of mannequins?
  • Griffin: Yeah, it’s behind [the Shark Tank] but yes.
  • Travis: Okay, cool.
  • Griffin: You gonna take a turn off to just go get some arms or…?
  • Travis: Yeah, in fact I am! Look, at this point the magic people seem to have this shit down. All I’m gonna do is, what, hit a tank with my ax? No no no. I’m gonna do what Magnus does best and go pull the arms off some things.
Big Brother Knows Best

Winchester x Sister!Reader // Demon!Dean

A/n: I’ve been watching old episodes and getting fic ideas so bare with me and my little shit fics. I really almost didn’t post this one.

Warnings: Blood, Dean is a demon, Angst, mentions of death, violence?

Forever tag list: @Freaksforthewin , @thewinhunter, @cambriacaneatnoodles, @brokennoone , @youtubehelpsmesurvive , @chrisevansthedoritobastard , @winchesters-favorite-girl , @we-know-a-little-about-a-lot @godh8salyssa   @dean-baby-Winchester  @straightasdeanwinchester@animexchocolate@fabulouslycassie@lizbeth-loves-bobear @nicolesyneah25

Edit is mine

A firm hand gripped your own sweating one. Pulling you around the corner away from the taunting calls behind you.

“Can’t run from me forever, Sammy.” The voice speaking wasn’t that of your brothers, rather something entirely opposite. “And pulling our little sister into this wild goose chase? Not hardly fair at all.”

Words couldn’t express how badly you wanted to rush into your oldest brothers arms. Beg him to come back to you and be the man you knew he was. Every part of you knew Sam would keep you as far away from him as he could. He’d throw himself in between the two of you if it came down to it. No questions asked.

Your mind was snapped back into the current events when Sam grabbed hold of your shoulders and shook you.

“Hey, don’t zone out. Not now.” Taking a giant gulp of fear you nodded shakily. “Go.” His head nudged in the direction of a closed door.

“What? Are you out of your damn mind? I’m not leaving you here to get your head whacked off by our demonic brother.” With your right hand you held on tightly to his left arm. Just above his wrist.

“I’m right behind you, Y/n.” There was no use arguing with him. He wasn’t going to allow you to stand there next to him.

A bad feeling rested in the pit of your stomach. In every horror movie you watched when somebody said they’d be right behind someone, they were always lying. And they usually always ended up dead.

Bright red flashing lights beamed from unknown areas of the bunker, startling you. Just as your hand reached out to open the door it was swung open. Sam was breathing heavily and pushing you onward to continue running.

Dean was always the brother you thought to go to first when something is wrong. It was a natural feeling of pure protection when you were around him. Now he was hunting you down in your own home.

“Come on guys! Lets have a nice long chat. Crack a beer…go over things.” Hearing how carefree and reckless Dean was just in his voice shattered you.

The hallways seemed to be long and endless. Like a a giant maze. You had no idea which turn would lead to where, but you followed on the direct path Sam pushed you on. After all, big brother knows best. Your small scared body was shoved into a door which was locked after your entry.

Sam? Sam, open the damn door!” This particular door was the only one hidden in the bunker. It was a secret escape route Cas and Sam discovered after Dean had bailed off with his new demon buddy, Crowley. The one way he had no knowledge of.

Heavy but slightly silenced breathing came from the other side of the metal sliding door. “You need to get out of here, Y/n. I won’t let him hurt you.” Their was a hint of fear mixed with strength in Sam’s voice. You knew what he was planning, yet hoping he wouldn’t have to do.

“I won’t let him hurt you either! You can’t lock me up and fight for us both, Sam! He’ll kill you. He’ll take his time and enjoy it.” Every word that poured from your mouth was at a whisper. Trying to prevent Dean from catching wind of the conversation.

“That’ll leave enough time for you to bail.” Sam had no intention of leaving Dean. He never did. But you didn’t plan on leaving either of them.

“Wonder what’s behind door number three?” A booming voice roared.

The sound of an axe hitting against the once perfect door protecting Sam was being hacked apart.

“Don’t come through that door Dean! You won’t leave me any choice.” You heard something coming from Sam. Something you hadn’t heard in awhile. Defeat.

Dean merely laughed and kept hitting away. “Or what? We both know what choice you’ll have to make. And we both know what that choice will be, Sammy.” The smile on Dean’s lips could practically be heard it was so loud.

“Dean! Please stop this!” Both of your fists began beating on the door as your voice yelled as loudly as it possibly could. “Fight this sickness inside of you. I know you can.”

“Personally, Y/n. I like the disease!” Another swing of the axe. The door was practically able to be entered through.

Footsteps ran away from the door. Sam was bailing, knowing Dean would follow for the thrill of the chase.

“No! Dammit stop it!” The edges around your balled up fists began to bleed from beating on the door so violently.

Another set of footsteps trailed off in the same direction. And the chase began. You could stand by and do nothing. Demon or not, it was your brother.

Quickly you scanned the room for a way to open the door, until a bright red switch revealed itself. Instantly you flipped it and the door slid open. The moment you turned to the left to run after them both, a strong set of arms grabbed to your chest from behind while the other snaked around your lips to prevent noise from coming out. Dean. .

Fear took over your body completely. “Sh sh sh.” His words silenced the tears and the small muffled noises coming from your closed mouth. “Walk.” A sharp object was poked lightly into the center of your back, forcing you to walk.

“Call to him.” He was going to use you to draw Sam out of hiding.

“It’s a trap don’t come out-!” His firm hand regained position on your lips, forcing you to stop speaking.

Hopefully- hopefully, Sam would listen to you for once and run as far and fast as he could in the other direction from your crazed brother. Of course this wasn’t the case. Instead his figure slowly crept out from behind a corner. His eyes widened as he saw a blade being pressed hard enough to draw blood against the skin underneath your chin.

“Let her go, Dean. It’s me you want dead. Not her.” Sam did his best to try and talk Dean out of his dead set plan. Hands being held up as a sign of surrender.

“Are you kidding?” The voice behind you laughed. “Why deal with one when I can deal with both?” As his lips spread into a smile, you couldn’t see it, but you knew it was there.

“Do it.” You finally found the courage to speak.

Sam scoffed. “Y/n, shut up.”

“Do it, Dean.” You pressed against the blade willingly, drawing even more blood.

“Shut. Up.” Sam protested. Trying to get you to stop encouraging it.

“You’re not the bad guy, big brother. You’ll always be my hero. I’ll always see you as my Batman and nothing can change that.” Slowly you closed your eyes, preparing yourself to feel the skin slice open even more on your neck.

A little movement happened behind you. By some miracle Dean’s grip on you was now gone. Instead Castiel held him from behind. Eyes shinning bright as he held your furious brother.

“It’s over, Dean.”

anonymous asked:

If you're still taking prompts. What if Neil gets a concussion and starts mixing up his languages? I love your writing!

(thank you so much! I had so much fun writing this honestly also HEY apparently language based confusion post head trauma like.. doesn’t happen lmao but lets suspend our disbelief y'all)


It’s USC’s new “problem player” who does it.

There’s a scrimmage for the ball in the last quarter, and Neil ends up bodychecked into plexiglass head-first. His helmet goes loose and bounces away before he hits the floor.

Neil’s 5’3” against the backliner’s 6’5” is like pitting an axe against the base of a tree. Neil’s legs quiver like wind through leaves, and then he’s cut down.

Andrew watches the whole thing unravel, the wind-up and the swing and the bounce. Neil topples onto his back with the brutality of a drop from a moving car, and he doesn’t get back up. There’s an awkward minute of shouting and buzzers and repetitive shrugging from the backliner. Andrew leaves goal just as Jeremy crosses the court to jab a finger in his teammate’s chest.

“We do not fight dirty like that! Jesus Christ Trent, If we’d taken that point from them the win would mean what?”

“Nothing,” the backliner replies glumly, eyes down. Andrew takes it as a prime opportunity to punch him across the jaw with his whole weight behind it.

The guy goes reeling, holding his face and looking down at Andrew with slack jawed disbelief — doubtless surprised to find someone half his size had just loosened a few teeth.

Andrew feels Kevin at his back, and Jeremy steadies Trent by the shoulder as he levels eyes at him. “Can’t we be civil for one game?”

Kevin shrugs, sickeningly sheepish. “You’re in fox territory.”

“How could I forget,” Jeremy says, eyes rolling. He says something else but Andrew’s already turning to find Neil, his unchecked injury like an oven left on - the niggling, panicking doubt of it.

Jean’s crouched at Neil’s side, speaking quietly and firmly with his eyebrows yanked together like pursestrings.

“Get away from him,” Andrew says, dizzy with anger. All the times Neil has defended Jean and the things he’d let Riko do surface and clash in Andrew’s head.

Jean looks up, unconcerned with Andrew’s warning. “Something is wrong.”

Andrew puts himself between Jean and Neil, stepping right where Jean’s hands are splayed out on the floor so that he recoils. He leans over Neil and watches his open eyes, the frost of confusion on them.

“Get up.”

Neil finds him, like he’s squinting through smoke. “Je ne peux pas.”

Andrew grabs his shoulders, unamused. “Try again.”

“It was something else a minute ago. Something slavic?” Jean says. Andrew ignores him.

“Andrew,” Neil says urgently, eyes bloodshot and unfixed. “Je suis fatigué.”

“Don’t sleep,” Andrew warns. He pulls Neil to his chest and drags him upright by his armpits.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Trent calls from a few feet away, his team congregating behind him like disappointed parents.

“We’re benching him for the next couple of games,” Jeremy adds seriously. “You deserve better.”

“You touch what’s mine again and you lose a hand,” Andrew says airily.

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anonymous asked:

If you ever decide to write something based on the yandere!kobd & jack darby family, I would be a happy camper. Anyway, an idea struck me suddently. Jack manages to contact the autobots by luck, but is caught by his new adoring "parents." Lets just say his punishment includes rendering him immobile for a while, due to damaged feet. KO only coos that its for the best, since his papas' only want him to stay put. "I hope you learn your lesson my little bitlet" cue forehead kiss.

Dear God!!!  Are we talking like???

Pfff!  XD

Actually, I think Knock Out’s preferred form of punishment would be some sort of isolation rather than anything physical.  He knows that he could easily kill Jack with one accidental slip up, and he’d never forgive himself if he did anything to hurt his precious little bitlet.  But being trapped alone in utter blackness for a day or two in an empty room with no form of comfort can do wonders for breaking a defiant spirit…

Knock Out is always extra syrupy and sweet when he lets Jack out of his “punishment”.  It’s only because he loves you, Jack.  You have to understand that.  Your fathers just get their feelings hurt when you don’t appreciate all they’ve done for you.  They’d never do anything to hurt you.  Not their darling little Jack…  

The poor boy is so shaken and contact-starved by that point, that he’s even willing to seek comfort from his captors, which is of course what Knock Out was hoping for.  Jack is especially compliant those first few days, even going so far as to initiate or ask for affection, which his new fathers are more than happy to give. 

Unfortunately, however, their happy family dynamic never seems to last very long.  Eventually, Jack will get sick of playing their twisted little games, and he’ll once again start looking for a way to get off the ship.  When this happens, he gets sent right back into his dark little time out room.  It’s alright though.  Knock Out knows the longer Jack stays with them, they more he’ll eventually come to love them as his real family.  All he needs is a little more time…