hit this shit

Remind me to roll a fighter next...

I was running my players through a 5e campaign when a miniboss with 55 hp they were sent to kill heard them coming and fled the hideout with the party hot on his tail. He got out into the open 2 turns before they did.

Me(DM): [miniboss] is 120 feet down the road to the west, and doesn’t look like he plans to slow down.

Our halfling rogue with only 25 feet movespeed: He’s out of my range, we should check his room to see if he left clues about where he would go.

The level 6 fighter with improved critical, +4 to dex and a +1longbow: Nah, how bout we just kill him? I use action surge and attack four times with my longbow.

She then proceeds to roll four attack rolls and have all four land on either 19 or 20. The rogue falls out of his chair laughing

Me(resisting to urge to change to up his health total): Ok, Roll 8d8+20 for damage

She rolls a 59 for damage.

Me: …he’s dead… Anything you want to add?

Fighter: JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!!!!

6

So this is how dates work right

Mother of (No) Mercy

So it’s my second time DMing ever and my 8 year old cousin wanted to have a D&D themed birthday party. I’m familiar with 3.5 so I’m glad to do it. So him and his brothers, the oldest of which is 14, and his parents, both in their forties, all play.

I make up an original Island Adventure scenario that’s basically a fetch mission for a magical item they can trade the locals for a boat to go home in.

So they were deep into the jungle of the island and hadn’t fought anything too damaging. But then I set them up against a Giant Constrictor that started to give them a run for their money. They had it down to less than half health when the monk (the 8 year old’s character) was knocked unconscious.

Me: And the Snake manages to grab a tight hold of Gantea. Thora (the mother’s fighter) is up next.

Fighter OOC: Can I shout a battle cry before I hit it with my warhammer?

Me: Sure, that’s a free action to me.

Fighter: RULES OF NATURE!

*Nat 20*

Table cheers.

Me: Ok, roll to confirm the crit.

*Nat 20 True Critical*

Table goes ballistic.

Me, in disbelief: So with the maternal savagery of a mother bear defending her young, you hit this snake so hard not only is its head taken off, but its entire skeleton is knocked clean from the skin. Gantea is no longer being constricted.

Fighter to Monk OOC: Remember this next time I tell you to clean your room.

The Power of Friendship (Ruined my Final Boss)

Context: (Same group as the story about six-inch goblin dick, but different story, different submitter.) It’s my first time DMing, an it’s everyone else’s first time playing. The party consists of a Goblin Bard, (Gobbo) Halfling Rogue, (Milo) and a Human Fighter (Knottley). Long story short, the Bard failed to listen to sincere advise from an NPC, failed some critical rolls, and ended up as a Chaotic Evil Lich.

[Sometime halfway through the Lich’s health]

Fighter, OOC: Can I ask him to… not do this?

DM: Yes, you can make a persuasion check. [Pause.] Talking is a free action.

Fighter, OOC: Oh! Then I’ll do it.

Fighter: Little Goblin man, do not do this! We are friends.

DM: Roll persuasion.

Fighter, OOC: … That’s a five. Minus three.

[Laughter from around the table.]

DM: Alright, Gobbo, roll to see if you get a nat 1 against persuasion. 

Bard, OOC: Okay. [Rolls a nat 1]

[A good moment of stunned silence, and then laughter from everyone but me.]

DM: Alright. Alright. Alright. Cool. That’s great.

Bard, OOC: I’m sorry.

DM: No, I love it! I love it! So, Gobbo, this speech, it pulls at your heart strings. You remember, you are not a murderer, you are a scholarly goblin. You went to college-

Bard, OOC: The college of swords!

DM: [sighs] Yes, the college of swords. You remember, that these people are your friends, and you are not a killer. So…

[I wrap up the story line, (entailing the power of flight, as well as beating up the person who sent them on the quest and Gobbo becoming the “court lich”) and after some laughter (once again, everyone but me,)…]

DM: Oh my god. [Fighter’s Player], this is your folk hero destiny! You saved the world from an awful lich!

Fighter, OOC: Oh my god, I did!

DM: With the power of friendship!

Bard, OOC: Because of a nat 1…

DM: Good god, this is a power of friendship story! My worst nightmare!

[Laughter ensues.]

"How do I put this?"

Context: Our Dragonborn fighter is trying to convince a group of Wyrms to allow the party to take shelter in their cave, and since he has been rolling very high on his charisma checks, now a few of them are ‘interested’

DM: “Roll for rejection.”

‘Fighter rolls a nat 20’

DM: “You word it perfectly, she completely understands. Not only do you lay her down gently, you hint at the possibility of doors opening in the future”