hit this shit

A Dance...

[Context: We’re a party of 5, who’ve stumbled into an underground lair full of pretty nasty enemies. We’ve been playing for a while, and have finally managed to find somewhere quiet to pause to take stock of our situation. We’re stood near a door, deciding what to do next. One of our party is a human warrior, who is known for asking to do slightly wacky things in dangerous situations.]

Human Warrior: (tries to peek through a keyhole to see inside a room, and rolls a natural 1.) ‘Whoops!’

DM: ‘You lean on the door, and it swings open! You stumble into the room, stopping only when you hit a table, and you hear the door slam shut behind you, trapping you alone in the room with four bandits! They aren’t pleased to see an intruder, and draw some rather nasty looking weapons’.

Human Warrior, immediately after DM stops talking: 'Can I do a provocative dance on the table to distract them?’

DM, slightly incredulously : 'I mean… I guess? Roll me a 20 and you can do that.’

Human Warrior: (rolls his first 20 of the entire campaign)

DM: (pauses for a good ten seconds, then sighs loudly) You climb on the table, and begin to dance. The bandits, rather out of character (pointed look at the instigator of the whole thing) put away their weapons and watch you dance.’

Human Warrior : 'If I roll another 20, can they all pass out at the brilliance of my dance?’

DM: (stares, then says) 'Sure. Chances of that happening are slim’

Seconds later, the DM is sat with his head in his hand, four unconscious bandits, as our human warrior celebrated his second natural 20 in 2 rolls. Everyone else round the table is in hysterics. Our warrior now introduces himself to NPC’s as a 'Legendary Dancer’. Our DM has outlawed anything dance-related.

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Madalyn Schiffel: Unconditionally

i’m a huge sucker for situation-swapped zimbits
  • like, ok, jack zimmermann, son of world-famous figure skater Alicia Zimmermann, is an up-and-coming pro figure skater who misses out on the 2010 (2014? timing is weird in this au) olympics because of his overdose OR overdoses bc he doesn’t make it past the canadian preliminaries 
  • he ends up deciding to go to his father’s alma mater, samwell, and manages to walk onto their hockey team, since they don’t have collegiate figure skating. 
  • he’s stunned to meet their captain, a 5′6″, 125-pound kid from some backwater town down south. jack hasn’t played hockey since he was a teenager, but even he knows D1 players aren’t supposed to look like Bittle
  • and then he finds out about bittle’s issues with checking and he almost walks off the team
  • (even when he’s dedicated his life to another sport, 110% jack zimmermann does NOT want to be part of a team that coddles weak links like bittle – he’s the captain for fuck’s sake!)
  • so in this au jack’s an old-ass freshman and bitty’s already a junior – which, surprisingly, makes them closer in age than in canon, i haven’t actually thought this all out
  • and blah blah blah jack, who’s been in a singles sport for so long, learns what it means to be part of a team and realizes bitty’s captain, not because he’s the best player, but because the boys all look up to him and respect his judgement. 
  • i really just want this au to have a tiny-ass rough-n-tumble bitty who’s been playing hockey for a hell of a lot longer than in canon and has dealt with being the effeminate boy in the locker room since middle school or even earlier 
  • (and if he’s been playing that long – hello can you say NHL bitty??)
  • and jack probably gets back on his feet and makes it to sochi or pyeongchang (depending on the timing of this au) through the power of GAY LOVE AND TEAMWORK or something 
  • (OLYMPICS POWER COUPLE?? B ON TEAM USA, JACK SKATING FOR CANADA???)
  • thank u for ur time and consideration

Just seen this post and it is some classic Sakura Stan cringe. 

I still wonder why people think that hinata ist the leading heroine of the Naruto series

Hello Strawman. How is your day? Almost no NaruHina fan said that Hinata is the leading heroine. They said that Hinata would have made for a better heroine than Sakura did. That’s logical considering the fact that Sakura has no interesting background, fighting style and she has a pretty bland personality. Sakura is a blank slate for female readers to project themselves onto. Kishimoto admitted this times and times again and his way of making Sakura a more interesting character was by drawing her “cuter”. If this doesn’t say anything about how even the author percieves your main heroine then I don’t know what else will do. That’s the reason you also see way more ships for her than for any other character. Sakura x Deidara…Really?

All she basically did was slap Naruto and was like ‘naruto-kun’

Ah yes, all she did was like ‘Naruto-Kun’. That’s rich coming from a fan of a character, that had the most repetitive character arc in the manga and cried every story arc because of her ‘Sasuke-kun’ or Naruto. Remind me again how Sakura didn’t claim that she finally caught up to Sasuke and Naruto multiple times just for her to be rescued again. Please remind me how often she said that she would help Naruto to rescue Sasuke just to then contribute nothing to it.

The actual heroine punched a god

Haha that’s really funny because of this punch, Sakura created one of the biggest plotholes in the manga. Remember how the byakugan had a 360 Degree vision with only a small blind spot where a small arrow could fit in? Yeah apparently the byakugan can see everything except Sakura’s giant forehead. Who knew. What a great heroine. Kishimoto couldn’t come up with a logical way for Sakura to grow in strength naturally so he basically gave Sakura this win just so her fans could say: “YEAH MUH HEROINE PUNCHED A GOD. SLAAAAY QUEEEEN!”.

Next time, tag your shit correctly and stop being a hypocrite, mate.

Gladio:  ♪ At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side ♫
Ignis:
Gladio: ♫ But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong- I grew strong… ♪
Ignis: Gladio-
Gladio: ♪ And I learned how to get along- ♫
Ignis: Gla-
Gladio: And so you’re back  ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ From outer space  ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ I just walk in to find you here with that sad look upon your face  ♪ 
Ignis: If you could-
Gladio: I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key- ♪ ♫
Ignis: For the love of-
Gladio: If I had known for just one second you’d be back to bother me ♫
Ignis: I can-
Gladio: GO ON NOW GO  ♪
Ignis: Gladiolus Amicitia, 
Gladio: WALK OUT THE DOOR ♫
Ignis: Listen to m-  
Gladio: JUST TURN AROUND NOW ♪
Ignis: I’m trying to-
Gladio: CAUSE YOU’RE NOT WELCOME ANYMORE ♫
Ignis: When I said I was leaving this morning I meant to work, not leaving you, you twat.
Gladio:
Gladio: Ah.

Remind me to roll a fighter next...

I was running my players through a 5e campaign when a miniboss with 55 hp they were sent to kill heard them coming and fled the hideout with the party hot on his tail. He got out into the open 2 turns before they did.

Me(DM): [miniboss] is 120 feet down the road to the west, and doesn’t look like he plans to slow down.

Our halfling rogue with only 25 feet movespeed: He’s out of my range, we should check his room to see if he left clues about where he would go.

The level 6 fighter with improved critical, +4 to dex and a +1longbow: Nah, how bout we just kill him? I use action surge and attack four times with my longbow.

She then proceeds to roll four attack rolls and have all four land on either 19 or 20. The rogue falls out of his chair laughing

Me(resisting to urge to change to up his health total): Ok, Roll 8d8+20 for damage

She rolls a 59 for damage.

Me: …he’s dead… Anything you want to add?

Fighter: JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!!!!

6

So this is how dates work right

Mother of (No) Mercy

So it’s my second time DMing ever and my 8 year old cousin wanted to have a D&D themed birthday party. I’m familiar with 3.5 so I’m glad to do it. So him and his brothers, the oldest of which is 14, and his parents, both in their forties, all play.

I make up an original Island Adventure scenario that’s basically a fetch mission for a magical item they can trade the locals for a boat to go home in.

So they were deep into the jungle of the island and hadn’t fought anything too damaging. But then I set them up against a Giant Constrictor that started to give them a run for their money. They had it down to less than half health when the monk (the 8 year old’s character) was knocked unconscious.

Me: And the Snake manages to grab a tight hold of Gantea. Thora (the mother’s fighter) is up next.

Fighter OOC: Can I shout a battle cry before I hit it with my warhammer?

Me: Sure, that’s a free action to me.

Fighter: RULES OF NATURE!

*Nat 20*

Table cheers.

Me: Ok, roll to confirm the crit.

*Nat 20 True Critical*

Table goes ballistic.

Me, in disbelief: So with the maternal savagery of a mother bear defending her young, you hit this snake so hard not only is its head taken off, but its entire skeleton is knocked clean from the skin. Gantea is no longer being constricted.

Fighter to Monk OOC: Remember this next time I tell you to clean your room.

The Power of Friendship (Ruined my Final Boss)

Context: (Same group as the story about six-inch goblin dick, but different story, different submitter.) It’s my first time DMing, an it’s everyone else’s first time playing. The party consists of a Goblin Bard, (Gobbo) Halfling Rogue, (Milo) and a Human Fighter (Knottley). Long story short, the Bard failed to listen to sincere advise from an NPC, failed some critical rolls, and ended up as a Chaotic Evil Lich.

[Sometime halfway through the Lich’s health]

Fighter, OOC: Can I ask him to… not do this?

DM: Yes, you can make a persuasion check. [Pause.] Talking is a free action.

Fighter, OOC: Oh! Then I’ll do it.

Fighter: Little Goblin man, do not do this! We are friends.

DM: Roll persuasion.

Fighter, OOC: … That’s a five. Minus three.

[Laughter from around the table.]

DM: Alright, Gobbo, roll to see if you get a nat 1 against persuasion. 

Bard, OOC: Okay. [Rolls a nat 1]

[A good moment of stunned silence, and then laughter from everyone but me.]

DM: Alright. Alright. Alright. Cool. That’s great.

Bard, OOC: I’m sorry.

DM: No, I love it! I love it! So, Gobbo, this speech, it pulls at your heart strings. You remember, you are not a murderer, you are a scholarly goblin. You went to college-

Bard, OOC: The college of swords!

DM: [sighs] Yes, the college of swords. You remember, that these people are your friends, and you are not a killer. So…

[I wrap up the story line, (entailing the power of flight, as well as beating up the person who sent them on the quest and Gobbo becoming the “court lich”) and after some laughter (once again, everyone but me,)…]

DM: Oh my god. [Fighter’s Player], this is your folk hero destiny! You saved the world from an awful lich!

Fighter, OOC: Oh my god, I did!

DM: With the power of friendship!

Bard, OOC: Because of a nat 1…

DM: Good god, this is a power of friendship story! My worst nightmare!

[Laughter ensues.]