hit me it the balls

Somebody said Humans would be the Mad Scientist species to aliens- like, aliens watch Back To The Future, and they see Doc Brown, and they think yes this is a human scientist, they’re all that crazy, these humans do such insane things with science.

I would like to offer an alternative.

Humans are tough. We can shrug off plenty of injuries, and we recover pretty fast from most others. Hell, we find minor injuries amusing (Don’t tell me you’ve never laughed at someone getting hit in the balls).

Humans have a skewed sense of danger. We think baby anything is cute- tigers, lions, alligators, whatever, no matter how scary they grow up to be- and even then there’s people that would happily cuddle up to a grizzly. Even less adventurous humans keep vermin as pets, or snakes, or dogs, that apex predator sub-species we made.

We are fascinated by morbid and scary stuff. We have a whole genre designed to terrify people. Tons of fantasy revolves around deadly monsters, plenty of which involve romance with said monsters. Lots of grim dystopias in sci-fi. Even children’s stories involve grandmothers getting eaten or witches getting cooked in their own oven.

And if you’re on this site, you know all the jokes we make about depression or social anxiety, or joking about wanting to die.

We aren’t the Doc Brown species.

We’re the Addams Family Species.

Bts as things that happened at Walmart

Rap Monster: *Walking normally; breaks store models*

Jin: *has 2 carts Worth of food* WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CREDIT IS DECLINED!?! I HAVE CHILDREN!?!

Suga: *Walks past hair dye and bleach*
Fuck you * flips off the bottle*

J-Hope: * bird inside Walmart*

Jimin: *Walking in the dog isle*
You know dogs are cute…but not as cute as me
*gets hit in the face with a ball*

V: * spots condoms* look! I found the balloons!

Jungkook: it’s go time mother fuckers!
*starts a nerf gun war as if in ‘Call Of Duty’*

(I’m not kidding these thing actually happened in my Walmart [and I was part of the nerf war])

Haikyuu au where it’s set up like a mockumentary

Hinata, being interviewed after receiving a spike to the face by Asahi; “Oh, getting hit in the face by balls is pretty normal for me. So, this is nothing. Wait, why are you laughing? It’s not funny, that was the twelfth time today.”

Kageyama, sitting next to Hinata; “Oi. Dumbass. Change your words of choice and maybe they won’t laugh.”

“It’s ‘choice of words,’ Tobio. And I meant exactly what I said! You should know - half of them were yours anyway!”

Kageyama, stares into the camera like he’s on The Office. You, the viewer, are the only one able to see his desire to die, which is reflected in his eyes.

Stress Relief

Brett x Reader

Warnings: sex, 18+ gif under cut , slight choking like not really but sort off

“Hey Brett.” One his team mates called to the wolf who followed the direction they were pointing in and spotted you arguing with a boy you’d hooked up with at a party a few nights before.

“Yeah, what?” He asked the team mate who frowned.

“Aren’t you two together.” The question had Brett rolling his eyes. He couldn’t exactly explain that you were both werewolves and used sex as a way to get through each other’s heat or to help each other to get back under control.

Keep reading

Don’t Say Anything (part 10)

Summary: You finally decide to tell Bucky that you’ve been in love with him since the day you met but what happens when you walk in on him with a girl? And not just any girl; Natasha.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader


A/N: I’m going to Pride for the first time this Saturday and I’m sooooo excited :)

It goes completely silent. Like dead silent and you hate it. Wanda’s looking between you and Natasha while your voice gets caught up in your throat.

“Nat.. I-I’m-” you stop speaking, running your fingers through your hair.

The fiery red head stood in front of you, mouth slightly open in shock. For a spy, she did not see this coming. Everything happened so fast. You didn’t mean to blurt it out. You cracked under pressure. This is exactly what you were trying to prevent from happening.

Suddenly the door bursts open and in walks Bucky and Steve, worried looks etched on their faces and guns pointed.

“What’s going on? We heard yelling.” Steve spoke first, eyes searching the room. From where they were, all they could hear was muffled yelling and they thought you and the girls were in some sort of danger. Once Steve looks at you, he lowers his gun. “What happened?”

Your eyes travel over to Nat who kept her gaze on the ground. Your heart broke. “Nat, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Steve glances between the two of you before glaring at Bucky. “You’re not waiting any longer - talk to her.”


“Talk to her!”

Bucky let out a shaky breath before stepping towards Nat. “Natasha can I.. Can I talk to you? Alone?”

She cleared her throat. “Yeah, we have a lot to talk about.”

You watch the two exit your room and your eyes fill with tears yet again. As your lip quivered, Steve pulled you into a hug where you let out a sob. “She hates me, Steve. I hurt her.”

“She doesn’t hate you, Y/N.” he sighed, rubbing your back in a comforting manner.

“You didn’t see the way she looked at me. She was so hurt. I betrayed her.” you cried. “What kind of friend am I?”

He shushed you, petting your hair softly as you cried your eyes out. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She wasn’t supposed to find out. All you wanted was for them to be happy regardless if it hurt your feelings and made you want to drown in your own tears.

Wanda slowly got off the bed and placed her hand on your back. “Are you okay?”

You step away from Steve and wipe away your tears. “I fucked up.”

“I tried to stop it, Y/N.”

“I know. I should’ve walked out or something. Anything really.” you sniffled. “Now she hates me.”

“Steve’s right, she doesn’t hate you.” Wanda frowned. “Shocked, yeah. But she would never hate you.”

“Why wouldn’t she hate me? She just found out that her best friend is in love with her boyfriend. Of course she hates me!” you exclaim.

Steve’s eyebrows raise. “You’re in love with Bucky?”

Both you and Wanda ignore him. “Don’t think like that. She doesn’t hate you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Wait.” Steve waved his hand. “You’re in love with Bucky?”

“Don’t make me repeat it.” you sigh.

“For how long?”

“Does it matter? Nothing good-”

“Five years.” Wanda cut in and you glare at her.

“Five years?!” he shouts. “Oh my god. Oh my god.”

“What?” the both of you say, watching as Steve slapped his palm against his forehead.

“Bucky, he-” but he stops himself.

“He what?” you question.

Steve cleared his throat. “That’s not for me to tell.”

“What the hell? Tell me.” you take a step towards the blonde.

He takes a step backwards. “No.”

“Steve, I’ve had enough today. Just tell me.”

“You’ll have to ask Bucky.”

You scoff. As if you’ll ever go near Bucky now. You should’ve just stayed away from him right when you found out about the two of them. Now everything’s out of control. You’re pretty sure Natasha hates you and Bucky  - Why would Bucky want to be with you now? Nothing will change with him.

Platinum blonde hair pokes into your room and the man attached to it smiles. “Guess who’s back and brought a cake… What’s going on? Why are your eyes all red?”

He fully steps into your room with a bag hanging from his wrist and you exhale loudly.

“Not now, Pietro.” Wanda says, shooing him away with her hand.

Pietro snarls. “Not now my ass, she’s crying.”

“Just go!” she points to the door.

“Like I’d ever listen to you, младшая сестра.” he scoffed, setting the bag down on your bed. “What happened.”

“She’s in love with Bucky.” Steve says as Pietro walked towards you.

“You finally told him? Did he reject you? Is that why you’re crying?” he held you by your upper arm, eyes filled with concern. You glance at Wanda then at Steve before letting out a sigh.

And you told him everything.

Bucky led Natasha to his room where he shut the door and locked it so they could have their private conversation. Bucky was nervous. His hands were shaking, his heart was pounding and he wanted to throw up.

If he even said the slightest thing to piss her off, she’d murder him. Literally. Bucky walks around her and sits on his bed, patting the spot next to him. Natasha doesn’t say a word as she sits beside him, a decent gap space between the two of them. She was thinking hard, thinking about the mini argument with Bucky 3 days ago, thinking about everything that’s happened, literally in the past hour and 30 minutes.

The brunette clasps his hands together, leaving them to rest on his lap and clears his throat. “So..”

“Do you like Y/N?” Nat asked, not bothering to waste any time. “Be honest with me.”

“I - Yeah. Yeah, I do.” he breathed.

Natasha exhaled an ‘okay’ and looked over at Bucky. “Don’t hurt my best friend, Barnes. Do you hear me?”

Bucky nods. “Yeah.”

“If she ever comes crying to me because of you, you’re dead.”

“Got it.”

“Alright.” she nods. “We’re done here.”

Natasha moves to stand up but Bucky grabs her hand. “Wait, that’s it? We didn’t even get to actually talk!”

“Because there’s nothing to talk about!” she replied.

Bucky scoffed. “There’s a lot to talk about.”

The red head sighed and sat to face Bucky. “Alright, fine. Let’s talk.”

“Thank you.” he breathed. “Before I start I just want you to know that I do care about you and you’re a great person.” Nat nods. “Okay so, before.. us happened I had a thing for Y/N but I didn’t think she.. you know, liked me back.” this made Nat scoff as she thought back to what you had blurted out earlier. “And then you came along and we got to talking which then led to.. you know and every time I was with you, I forgot about my feelings for Y/N. You were like a distraction. What we had was a.. a fling. You know that. I enjoyed your company. You filled the hole inside me briefly, the one that yearned for Y/N’s love and affection. I know this all sounds bad, trust me - and I know that messing with your feelings was a douchebag move but at the time, I thought I wanted to be with you. I told myself over and over again that I wanted to be with you and not Y/N but fuck, seeing Pietro all over her these past couple of days annoyed the hell out of me and I couldn’t lie to myself anymore - I couldn’t hurt you as well. I couldn’t string you along, making you think that I loved you when really, my heart belongs to Y/N.”

Nat nods her head. “So you were using me this whole time?”

“I wouldn’t necessarily word it like that but yeah.” he sighed. “It was a dick move, I know. It’s fine if you want to hit me or cut my balls off. I deserve it. I’m sorry.”

The red head exhales. “If I were some other woman, I’d be absolutely furious right now. I’d want to punch you, knee you in the balls so hard that you wouldn’t be able to produce children later on in the future.” Bucky chuckled softly. “But, I’m not some other woman. I’m me. And although everything you just said was fucked up, I shouldn’t be one to judge because I’ve been using you too.”

Bucky raises his eyebrows at Natasha’s words. “What?”

“I was in a bad place when we started talking. Bruce had ran off without even saying goodbye to me. I had to hear from Tony that he left. Fucking Tony. I was sad, I mean I really did love him. I get that he had to leave for the protection of everyone around him but a simple goodbye would’ve sufficed, you know?” Bucky nods. “Anyways we got to talking and all that other stuff and for a minute, you’d make me forget about all the heartbreak Bruce caused me. Just like I filled the hole in you that craved Y/N, you filled the hole in me. A distraction was what you were. You distracted me from my real feelings. I know what we had was a fling, I never saw it as anything more than a casual talk and fuck - sometimes make out sessions. But other than that, I didn’t have feelings for you. I liked the fact that you distracted me from Bruce and I guess I made myself think that I actually liked you in the process.” she ran her fingers through her hair. “And I’m sorry too.”

“Wow.” Bucky laughed, staring straight ahead at his wall. “So us dating, that was-”

“Completely idiotic and for no reason.” she finished for him.

He face palmed. “Oh my god, we’re idiots.”

“Yeah,” she laughed. “We are.”

“We didn’t even actually like each other, why did we start dating?” Bucky questioned, although he already knew the answer.

I have no idea.” Nat laughed. “Oh, and sorry about getting all mad after accusing you of liking Y/N. I guess I got frustrated that reality was setting in and the fantasy was no longer there.”

“It’s cool. Sorry for.. literally everything.” Bucky shrugged.

“It’s fine.” she chuckled. “No hard feelings?”

“No hard feelings.” he nodded before running his fingers through his hair. “Oh god, now I have to talk to Y/N. What if she doesn’t feel the same way?”

“I have a feeling she will.” the spy says as she stood up, extending her hand out for Bucky to take. “Come on, let’s go get your girl.”

The super soldier takes her hand and stands up, following her out to the hallway. “You know Y/N’s a jealous person, right? Not too jealous though but a reasonable amount of jealous.” she says.

“Yeah, it’s cute, right?” he smiled. “Ooo she’s gonna get so mad and jealous when she realizes that we’ve had sex. Plus those make out sessions and the amount of times she’s caught us. Wow. You’re in some deep shit.”

“She’s gonna get mad at you, not me.” Nat scoffed.

“You were messing around with her man.” Bucky countered.

She rolled her eyes. “Sisters before misters, Barnes. Never forget.”

“Yeah well… Bucky before Nat.” he replied, causing the red head to laugh.




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Sorry to the peeps who didn’t get tagged! Ima go pee now lmao

An Incident

Originally posted by misunderstood-adventures

Requested: By a very lovely anon!

Pairings: Peter Parker/Spiderman x Reader

Summary: Y/N is viciously accosted in gym class, otherwise known as the time that Peter Parker hit her in the face with a volleyball and the subsequent events. 

Warnings: Awful hand eye coordination 

Word Count: 1,315

AN: I have missed my adorable bean Peter for the longest time, and you guys can expect more from him soon! As always, feel free to leave any requests in my ask box!

If there was one thing about high school that you hated more than anything, it was gym class. Every day, when sixth period rolled around, you tried to ignore the growing pit of despair that was making you feel like you were going to throw up. You had never been coordinated, and Mrs. Grimes seemed determined to make sure that every single person in her sixth period gym class. Somehow, you had managed to be put in a class without any of your friends, and the person that you had been harboring a crush on since the first grade.

Not only were you alone in a gym class with your long-time crush, but you were also the only person who didn’t seem to be some kind of athletic superstar. Today it seemed like Mrs. Grimes was determined to ruin your life for the rest of your high school life. You walked into the gym after taking entirely too long to change into your gym clothes to be greeted with your worst nightmare, a volleyball net.

There were certain kinds of sports that you could fake being good at. Hide at the back of the line during kickball, let the overly enthusiastic jocks take your turn during softball. But with volleyball, there are only eight players and everyone was out in the open.

So, getting put on the team that was opposite of Peter was not the start to the class that you were hoping for. And when you saw how amazing he was at volleyball, you were simultaneously confused and jealous. He had been just as clumsy as you were at the beginning of the year. You had noticed not only because you noticed everything about him in a very stalker like way, but also because him being bad at all of Mrs. Grimes’ wonderful activities made you feel like you were in this together, even if you hadn’t really spoken to each other. You shared a series of sighs and eye rolls throughout the weeks of class, but never really a full conversation. You were usually too out of breath anyways.

Peter smiled at you from across the net, and you resisted the urge to run from the room entirely. The game was going smoothly enough. The ball was landing no where near you, and your team was one point away from winning. It wasn’t like you were especially excited about the winning part of it all, you were just excited that you were finally going to be done with this horrendous game.

You were admittedly dozing off when it happened. You were standing towards the front of the court, and you knew that the game was almost over, so who could really fault you for not seeing the ball that was flying directly at your face.

You were on the ground before you even felt the sting of the volleyball bouncing off of your face. You laid very still, hoping that if you didn’t acknowledge the situation that the rest of your class would continue on with the game and leave you on the floor to wallow in self-pity for the rest of the foreseeable future.

“Are- are you okay?” Peter Parker’s face appeared above you, his brow creased in concern “Of course you aren’t okay I hit you in the face with a volleyball.”

Peter’s head snapped to where Mrs. Grimes was standing, probably saying something to the tune of “Walk it of. A little concussion never hurt anyone”, which was the exact opposite of what concussions did to people.

“Here, let me help you up.” Peter took one of your hands in his and slipped the other around your waist, easily pulling you up from the floor, A wave of dizziness hit you as soon as you managed to get your feet under you. Peter discreetly tightened his grip around your waist, drawing you closer to him and allowing him to take on most of your waist. You were already so lightheaded that you were surprised you hadn’t fainted,

“I’m going to take her to the nurse’s office.” Peter said in a tone that was much more authoritative than you would have thought possible of him before he lead you out of the gym as quickly as he could with your state.

Mrs. Grimes was yelling something at the two of you before she blew her whistle and the sounds of a game picked up behind you, but you were a bit too distracted to have heard what she was actually saying. The two of you walked in silence, until you reached the first obstacle on the way to the nurse’s office. Stairs.

“Do you think that you can-” You cut Peter off with a shake of your head. It was a challenge for you to even stay upright at this point, there was no way that your probably concussed head was going to handle the stairs you fell down regularly in a non concussed state. “Do you think it would be better if I carried you?”

Your school was so old there wasn’t even an elevator, and you couldn’t think of a faster way to get to a bed for a lie down, You simply nodded and focused on breathing like a normal human as Peter slipped his arms underneath you legs and tightened his grip around your midsection.

Peter carried you as gingerly as he could, but you were still jostling around quite a bit.

You tentatively slipped your hands around his neck, holding on a bit tighter. The scent of his cologne washed over you, and you actually had to remind yourself that it would be weird to abandon all of your inhibitions and just inhale that scent for the rest of time.

Peter had reached the bottom of the stairs, but he was making no move to put you down. You weren’t particularly keen on him doing so, and chose to stay quiet until you were sat down carefully on top of the bed in the nurse’s office.

Thankfully, your nose hadn’t started bleeding and the dizziness was starting to fade, so the nurse kindly told you to rest for the rest of the period and then make your way to the next class. It wasn’t until the nurse shut the door behind her that you realized that Peter hadn’t moved from the chair that was situated directly beside your bed.

“You didn’t have to stay, you know.” You laughed, staring directly into the fluorescent lights above your head, refusing to meet his eyes.

“I do feel a bit responsible, you know” he said, the sarcasm practically dripping from his voice. “I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.” He said, the façade slipping away to reveal the concern in his voice.

“I think that I will live” you laughed, attempting to at least lighten a bit of the tension in the room.

Peter’s eyes were still shining with worry, and you couldn’t help it any longer. You sat up on the side of the bed and took his hand in your own. “To be fair, you aren’t the first person to hit me in the head with some kind of sport ball.” He snorted, rolling his eyes at you. “And, I didn’t even bleed this time, so I think you’ll find that I am an incredibly forgiving person.”

“Forgiving enough to let me take you on a date?” Peter’s expression matched your own after realizing what he had just said to you.

“Are you- are you asking me out on a date after you hit me in the head with a volleyball?” You were holding back your laughter at the complete absurdity of the situation.

“I guess I am.” He said, voice raised a few octaves in disbelief.

“As long as you don’t throw the pizza at me, you’ve got yourself a deal, Parker.”

superpaperclip  asked:

Prompt: Bucky is in a mood all morning, so the reader puts on booty shorts/a miniskirt/a romper and keeps finding reasons to bend over and tease Buck all afternoon

A/N: I got carried away with this! And please excuse any mistakes, I’m on my phone!

“Hey, beware of Bucky,” Natasha said as she walked past you on your way to the kitchen. “He’s prickly.”

You laughed it off. Bucky had never been anything but nice and polite to you in the months you had known him.

In all seriousness, you were actually waiting on him to make a move on you. The flirtatious banter had started to get steamy in recent weeks. He acted different around you then he did the other ladies in the compound.

You know you weren’t just imagining things, but he still had yet to make his move.

As you entered the kitchen, you saw the grim look on his face and actually thought about turning back around. Just as you were about to do just that, he looked up and saw you.

“Good morning,” you said, adding a little extra cheer to your voice.

As you opened the refrigerator, you thought you heard him grumble a greeting back, but you couldn’t be sure. Grabbing a yogurt and a spoon, you went to go sit next to Bucky at the bar.

Pulling off the lid, you looked over at him, “What do you have planned today?” You asked him, taking a bite of your yogurt.

“Nothing,” he said, his tone clipped.

You nodded before taking another bite. “Do you want to hang out with me today?” You asked, poking him with your elbow. “We could go see a movie or go to the festival that is going on in the next town over.”

If you weren’t mistaken, you thought you saw him move slightly away from you. He glanced at you, “Wouldn’t you rather go with Sam?”

You scowled at him. What was he talking about? “If I wanted to go with Sam, I would ask him.” You said, hurt creeping in. “But I don’t. I want to spend time with you.”

He just shrugged before collecting his cereal bowl and walking to the sink. He rinsed it out before he turned back to you, “Well, I’ll be busy.” With that, he walked toward the gym.

You sat there confused, watching him walk away. What had just happened?


“Hey Sam, I have a question,” you stated as you walked toward him in the game room. “Why does Bucky think that you and I want to spend more time together?”

He leaned over the pool table to line up his shot, “I wouldn’t have a clue.” He said before hitting the cue ball. “Me and Steve were teasing him the other day about him liking you. I told him that I was going to ask you out, but I was just joking.”

You put your hands over your face, “Oh my god, he took you seriously… damn it.” You turned back around after telling Sam you needed to fix this.

As you walked back to your room, you formulated a plan. Digging through your dresser in your room, you found the shorts you were looking for. Taking your sweatpants and panties off, you slid the shorts on. You looked over your shoulder at yourself in the full length mirror. Your ass was barely covered. You smiled, perfect.

You threw on a matching tank top and put your tennis shoes on. Grabbing your phone, you sent a group text to everyone but Bucky. You told them all to steer clear of the gym for a bit.

While you walked to the gym, you secured your hair in a ponytail. You had a small smile on your face as you entered and saw Bucky running on the treadmill. The wall of mirrors in front of him awarded him with a view of the whole room behind him. Much to your advantage.

You started humming and turned your back to him as you bent over into a stretch. Your shorts rode up, clearly showing your ass cheeks. Your smile widened when you heard his feet stumble on the belt of the treadmill.

You straightened back up, raising your arms above your head and arching your back. You knew he was getting a good view of your legs and the lines of your body.

You sank to your knees on the mat beneath you. Going into a yoga pose, you leaned your top half down onto the mat, keeping your ass in the air as you lifted a leg and pointed you toes. You almost let out an evil laugh when you heard a muffled groan over the pounding of his feet on the treadmill.

And so it went on. You had found every possible way to move, bend or stretch to keep your ass on display. When you would glance at him, his eyes would dart away. But he still never said anything to you. You had to admit that you were a little disappointed. You were pulling out all of your best moves.

Bucky was putting the weights he had been using back on the rack when you seen him look over at you. You were leaning against the wall of mirrors, trying to catch your breath after running on the treadmill. You opened your bottle of water and poured some on your face, letting it drip down your chest. Your tank top and shorts were sticking to you like a second skin.

You watched him, watch you. Giving up, you shook your head, “Bucky…,”

“Fuck it,” he said, cutting you off. He stalked over to you. When he got within touching distance, he wrap his arms around your body and grabbed your ass. He brought your body flush against his and pushed you back against the mirror. “I tried to resist you, I really did.”

You smirked at him, “Finally,” you said before crashing your lips on his.

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A knock sounded on the door. Wade Wilson was on his feet and pirouetted his way to the door in a matter of seconds, flinging it wide open.

“Thank Thor (or Loki)! I was about to starve!

The kid at the door looked on, vaguely unimpressed at Wade’s antics. “Are you the mister Pool comma Dead who ordered a large, uh… pineapple olive, large anchovy mushroom, and large special order of four cheese with… mozzarella sticks as the topping?” he recited the order in a bored drawl, but there was a hint of judgement in his tone. So Wade liked his pizzas with a bit of zest and creativity. Was it a crime? Part of Wade hoped it was, how thrilling would it be to live on the run from the cops for daring to order a pizza outside the conventional system? It would make a great movie! He should write it, he could make millions-

“I’m taking that as a yes,” Pizza kid said, clearing his throat loudly. “If you could maybe pay for these, I gotta get going.” He shifted the pizzas in his grip with a peeved look on his face.

Okay, rude. It’s not like Wade had made him stand there for… Wade checked his watch. Oh. Nearly five minutes. Okay, maybe he’d been dissociating a bit longer than he realized. “My bad,” Wade said, reaching for his wallet, “what do I owe ya for, pretty boy?”

Keep reading

talk shit, get hit

genre: delinquent!au

star of the show: NCT’s Jaehyun

word count: 3,021 words

author’s note: part of a Johnny/Jaehyun collab with @chipsandwaffles . Go read Johnny’s part here it doesn’t disappoint. 

And remember, Say No to Double J™ 

*explicit language, read at your own discretion*

Originally posted by wonwoosvt

opening line: “Rules are simply restrictions passed down from past generations to limit us from doing what they couldn’t do in their lifetimes.” 

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