historyforliars

April 15, 1865: President Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot. April 15, 1912: The Titanic sinks. April 15, 2013: Explosions occur at the Boston Marathon, injuring over 100 people.

WHERE: Everywhere. 

Today is a bad day. Historically, it’s been a bad day. From assassinations to disasters to travesties, it looks like tragedy likes April 15th. Let’s try to turn that around.

There are always icebergs, but we’ve found a way to navigate around those to clearer waters. Leaders will fall, but we’ve found that this tragedy gives a chance for others to rise. And disasters occur, but we’ve found that this forces us to focus on what makes us happy, so that if random acts of a-holes being a-holes do come about again, we’ll face that terror with happiness in our hearts.

We can make it a good day again. We can be happy on April 15th again. Today we won’t be. But let’s shoot for next year, okay? 

Here’s to the next April 15th, when the worst thing about this day is our taxes. Tonight, I’ll be thinking of the most historic city in the world. Maybe I’ll make fun of Paul Revere or Ben Franklin tomorrow, but tonight, I’ll be praying.

AND THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING.

February 13, 1920: The League of Nations recognizes Switzerland's perpetual neutrality.

WHERE: The League of Nations meeting in Geneva, Switzerland.

Members of the League of Nations, including Representatives from the US, Germany, and Brazil, are present in the meeting room. Three Swiss Representatives enter.

US: Well hello, Swiss Representatives! 

SWISS REPS: Hello.

GERMANY: Beautiful day, isn’t it? Nice and warm.

BRAZIL: What are you talking about, it’s absolutely freezing. Isn’t it freezing, Swiss?!

SWISS REP 1: I don’t know.

SWISS REP 2: It’s cold AND hot.

SWISS REP 3: You’re both right.

US: Umm…okay. Well we’re going to get the meeting started soon to talk about making you guys perpetually neutral. We’re waiting for France, but they’re late. 

GERMANY: Let’s just start without them!

BRAZIL: No way, they have to be there. We gotta wait for them.

US: What do you guys think? Should we start or wait?

SWISS REP 1: We’re good with whatever.

SWISS REP 2: What is time, anyway? 

SWISS REP 3: Let’s do both! 

US: Alright. I guess…we’ll wait?

SWISS REP 1: Sure.

US: But we could start! 

SWISS REP 1: Sure.

US: Which one is it?

SWISS REP 1: Sure.

Pause.

BRAZIL: I would really like for France to be here.

GERMANY: Okay fine, we’ll wait! But while we’re waiting we should decide where we should go for lunch.

US: Oh God.

BRAZIL: I could really go for anything today.

GERMANY: Me too.

US: Yeah. How about you guys? What do the Swiss Representatives want for lunch today?

SWISS REP 3: What are you guys thinking of?

US: You know what? We’re gonna leave it completely up to you. 

GERMANY: Yeah. Tell us what YOU want.

Pause.

SWISS REP 1: We brought our own lunches.

SWISS REP 2: Who wants to spend money on food in this economy?

US: Where’d you get the food from? 

SWISS REP 3: We got every piece of our lunch from different stores in Geneva! We shopped at all of them! 

GERMANY: Great Switzerland, just great.

There’s a long pause.

SWISS REP 1: We have to go to the bathroom.

GERMANY: Well since we’re waiting we have plenty of time.

US: The men’s bathroom is to the right and the women’s bathroom is to the right.

The Swiss Representatives leave. The US Rep follows them out the door.

BRAZIL: Which bathroom did they go to?

US: I think they’re going to both.

GERMANY: God they’re weird. 

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

youtube

May 12, 2013: I graduate college.

WHERE: Emerson College in Boston,MA.

I promised myself that this blog would not be about me, but I can’t deny that the most personal historic date I’ve experienced was yesterday when I graduated college. I spoke at Commencement, so here is the speech in case you’d want to watch it. You’ll get another sketch tomorrow, but when documenting this year in history, I’d like to add another happening to the bunch.

April 21, 753 BC: Romulus and Remus found Rome on the site where they were suckled by a she-wolf as infants.

WHERE: The future site of Rome.

Romulus and Remus look upon the future land of their city.

ROMULUS: We should make a city here! 

REMUS: Okay!

ROMULUS: Cool.

REMUS: Let’s name it after you.

ROMULUS: No, we should name it after you! 

REMUS: No, you’re nicer, let’s name it after you.

ROMULUS: No no no, you’re stronger, let’s name it after you! 

REMUS: Seriously, I think it’s much better if you name it after you. Let’s do it. Let’s go with you! 

ROMULUS: Oh, really? Okay.

REMUS: Oh, okay, yeah. Let’s go with you.

ROMULUS: If you insist.

REMUS: I mean. I do…

ROMULUS: Fantastic! I guess I can run this place.

REMUS: Awesome.

ROMULUS: ANd I guess that means I have to kill you.

Pause.

REMUS: Well that wasn’t agreed upon.

ROMULUS: I know, but like, I’m in charge, so it’s my rules.

REMUS: Good point.

ROMULUS: I’m gonna kill you now.

REMUS: You don’t have to.

ROMULUS: I do though.

REMUS: You don’t though.

ROMULUS: I DO THOUGH.

REMUS: Okay. Bye.

Romulus kills Remus.

ROMULUS: Well that sucked. But at least I’m in charge. TO SOPHISTICATION! 

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

March 4, 1829: Andrew Jackson holds an "open house" at the White House to celebrate inauguration, where more than 20,000 people show up.

WHERE: The White House.

Andrew Jackson is drinking a beer with his friends. His aide Edwin comes up to him.

EDWIN: Mr. President–

ANDREW JACKSON: You’re damn right that’s what you call me now! Feels SO GOOD. Damn.

EDWIN: Yes sir, forgive me, congratulations.

ANDREW JACKSON: Well thank you Edwin. It’s just so BADASS. I can do whatever the hell I want. And you know what? I will. I will do whatever the hell I want.

EDWIN: You might not want to say that so loudly here, sir.

ANDREW JACKSON: BUT I BELIEVE IT.

EDWIN: Right. Well, sir, we have a bit of an issue.

ANDREW JACKSON: Do we now?! The first thing I can do as President. Is it an uppity British person? Is it some jerk from the Mexican government? TELL ME WHO TO MURDER AND I’LL GO DO IT.

EDWIN: First of all, sir, the President is not the one who is doing the murdering.

ANDREW JACKSON: Well, not previously, but we can change that.

EDWIN: Second of all, the big issue is that way more people have come to this party than expected. The capacity for The White House is 400.

ANDREW JACKSON: And how many are there?

EDWIN: We stopped counting at 20,000 sir.

ANDREW JACKSON: TWENTY THOUSAND?! HOT DOG! This is what I call a party. Look all these people comin’ just to party with Ol’ Hickory! What can I say? I’m a good time.

EDWIN: Sir, people are mashing cheese into the carpet.

ANDREW JACKSON: Gives the place character!

EDWIN: People are drinking whiskey out of a bathtub on the White House lawn.

ANDREW JACKSON: Where I’m from, that’s called a bathtism!

EDWIN: Sir, somebody drew a mustache on George Washington’s portrait.

ANDREW JACKSON: WHAT? That’s hilarious. That was probably Davey.  DAVEY DID YOU DRAW A MUSTACHE ON GEORGE WASHINGTON?

DAVEY: (from another point in the house) GUILTY AS CHARGED!

ANDREW JACKSON: YOU DOG! Oh man I love that guy.

EDWIN: Sir, if the party continues at this rate, this entire place is going to fall apart.

ANDREW JACKSON: Then what happens? We BUILD A NEW AMERICA! Edwin, this is how things are going down. This is my Washington now, dude. People like this get me jazzed up. Nothing is ever worth while if it doesn’t cause any mess. These people might be vomiting in the Oval Office tonight, but tomorrow, you better bet you’re ass they’re gonna help me pass legislation.

EDWIN: Yes sir. 

ANDREW JACKSON: So get that stick out of your butt and have some fun tonight!

EDWIN: Yes sir.

ANDREW JACKSON: Go grab two pales full of whiskey from the lawn bathtub! We’re getting hammered tonight, buddy.

EDWIN: But sir–

ANDREW JACKSON: THAT’S AN ORDER.

EDWIN: Yes sir.

ANDREW JACKSON: STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DON’T LIKE IT. LET’S KEEP THIS PARTY GOING. (to everyone) WHO WANTS TO SEE MY AARON BURR IMPERSONATION? DAVEY KNOWS HOW GOOD IT IS.

DAVEY: YOU BET I DO!

ANDREW JACKSON: EVERYONE GATHER ‘ROUND. Now I need somebody to play Alexander Hamilton. Who wouldn’t mind dying tonight??? HAHAHAHAHA SERIOUSLY.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

March 1, 1692: The Salem Witch Trials begin when Sarah Goode, Sarah Osborne, and Tituba, an Indian slave from Barbados, are charged with witchcraft.

WHERE: The court house in Salem, Massachusetts. 

The very first trial has just taken a recess. The courthouse is full of people. A young couple, Allison and James, are sitting in the very back. Allison is holding her newborn son, Jeremiah.

ALLISON: I just find it so hard to believe that witches have lived among us this whole time.

JAMES: I find it strange as well, dear. We’ll see how this trial goes. Maybe they aren’t witches. Maybe this is just a misunderstanding.

Suddenly, three very short and fat men waddle into the courthouse. They have long, pointy noises and very dark eyes. They are also slightly green, but you can’t tell right away because they’re wearing big, black hats. 


MAN 3: (to MAN 1, while pointing at ALLISON) Baaabyyyyyyy.

MAN 2: OOOOOOOOOH.

MAN 1: (to JAMES) Excuuuuuse me, is this the witch trial?

JAMES: Yes it is.

MAN 1: (to his group) We’re here! We’re here! 

MAN 2 AND MAN 3: (to each other, loudly) We’re here! We’re here! We’re here! 

MAN 1: (to JAMES) D'ya mind if we sit right here next to you two? 

JAMES: Go right ahead, seats are open.

MAN 1: (to his group) We’ll sit! We’ll sit! 

MAN 2 AND MAN 3: (the same way they did before) We’ll sit! We’ll sit! We’ll sit! 

The 3 men sit on the bench. It’s hard for them to get onto the bench because they’re so small. They work very hard and eventually succeed.

MAN 1: Beautiful baby.

MAN 2: Beaaaautifullll.

MAN 3: So prettttyyyy baaaaabyyyyy.

ALLISON: Thank you.

JAMES: I’m James Forrester. This is my wife Allison. 

MAN 1: Good to meet you sir! My name’s Bucket! 

MAN 2: My name’s Bocket! 

MAN 3:And my name’s Pocket! 

ALLISON: Bucket, Bocket, and Pocket?

BUCKET: Yes. We were raised by fish.

BOCKET: Big, human fish.

JAMES: Do you mean sailors?

POCKET: YES WE DO!!

ALLISON: We’ve never seen you around.

BUCKET: We live right on the outskirts of town! 

ALLISON: In the woods?

BOCKET: The other outskirts!

JAMES: In the ocean??

POCKET: DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT AN OUTSKIRT IS?

Bucket, Bocket, and Pocket huddle together and whisper to each other. They return.

BUCKET: We live NORTH of here.

BOCKET: NORTH.

POCKET: NORTH!

JAMES: Well that’s nice. 

BUCKET: This whole witch trial. Crazy stuff isn’t it?

BOCKET AND POCKET: Craaaazyyyyyy.

JAMES: It’s pretty wild.

ALLISON: Upsetting to think that there’s witches among us.

BUCKET: It is upsetting.

BOCKET: If you need to step outside and cry we understand.

POCKET: We can hold your baby.

ALLISON: I think I’ll be alright, thank you though. 

JAMES: It’s these kinds of situations that make you suspicious of everyone.

BUCKET: EVERYONE? 

JAMES: You know, just strangers?

BUCKET: BUT NOT US.

BOCKET: WE’RE NOT STRANGERS.

BUCKET: WE’RE BUCKET, BOCKET, AND POCKET. THREE HUMANS FROM THE NORTH. 

POCKET: YOU CAN TRUST US WITH ANYTHING. ESPECIALLY YOUR BABY.

JAMES: Right, we understand that! 

ALLISON: It’s just unsettling. If there are witches around here, what else is there?

BUCKET: IT’S PROBABLY JUST WITCHES. MEAN MEAN WITCHES.

BOCKET: I ONLY KNOW ABOUT WITCHES. WITCHES I’LL BE HAPPY TO SEE GO BECAUSE THEY’RE MEAN TO OTHER MAGICAL THINGS.

POCKET: DEFINITELY NOT GOBLINS. LET ME TOUCH YOUR BABY.

JAMES: What did you say? Goblins?

ALLISON: I never even thought of goblins!

JAMES: That’s a good point, Allison. If there are witches, who’s to say there aren’t goblins lurking in the area? 

BUCKET: Ohhhhh. Ohhhh ohhhhh. You don’t have to worry about goblins. There’s no way there’s any goblins here. Pocket was only joking.

POCKET: I LOVE JOKES. THEY ARE SO SERIOUS!

BOCKET: Tell more jokes, Pocket! PROVE YOU’RE A PERSON.

POCKET: Okayyyy. Here’s a GREAT joke. What is a mushroom? 

JAMES: I don’t know. What is a mushroom?

POCKET: A GREAT PILLOW IF YOU’RE A GOBLIN!

ALLISON: Why do you keep talking about goblins? 

BUCKET: That is a BAD JOKE. Forget it happened. TELL ANOTHER POCKET.

POCKET: Ummm…okay. What did one colonist say to another colonist?

ALLISON: I love colonist jokes. I don’t know, what?

POCKET: LET’S MAKE A BABY SO GOBLINS CAN STEAL IT AND EAT IT.

ALLISON: Oh my heavens how terrifying! 

BOCKET: POCKET STOP IT.

BUCKET: Pocket can’t think straight today, you two. We’re so sorry.

POCKET: My head is confused because I haven’t held a baby IN YEARS. CAN I HOLD YOURS? 

JAMES: Okay, I’m pretty sure you guys are goblins.

BUCKET: WHAT?!

BOCKET: NO! 

POCKET: YOU’RE SO SMART! 

ALLISON: Normally, I’d be scared of a supernatural creature, but you guys are so small and weird I’m not threatened at all.

JAMES: Yeah you guys should just go.

BUCKET: WELL, WE DO HAVE TO GO BECAUSE WE’RE LATE FOR SOMETHING. We have to go get ready for the party that Bocket’s throwing tonight at his tree.

BOCKET: HOUSE.

BUCKET: I MEAN HOUSE. 

BOCKET: Is your baby doing anything tonight? He’s totally invited.

JAMES: Just go.

POCKET: One more joke. What did the goblin say to the human?

JAMES: What.

POCKET: Thanks for the nice conversation.

ALLISON: Awwww.

POCKET: Then the human agreed, and as a way of showing forgiveness, HANDED OVER THEIR DELICIOUS FAT BABY.

JAMES: GET OUT OF HERE! 

The goblins scurry out. 

Minutes later, a man comes in. His lower body is clearly that of a horse.

OBVIOUS CENTAUR: Wowww. Witches. Crazy right? 

ALLISON: Get out of here, Centaur.

OBVIOUS CENTAUR: Mannnnn, why can’t I ever just BLEND IN?

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

February 18, 1930: Clyde W. Tombagh discovers Pluto, previously seen as the ninth planet in our solar system.

WHERE: The Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, AZ.

Clyde Tombagh is working very hard at his telescope. He has done his homework and knows that there should be something of very large mass in one part of the universe. According to his calculations, it could be a planet. 

Clyde Tombagh looks into his telescope after aligning it with one specific part of the sky. He looks in. He gasps. Another scientist, Leo, runs over.

LEO: Clyde, what’s going on?!

CLYDE TOMBAGH: I think I found another planet.

LEO: What?! Let me see.

Leo looks in the telescope.

LEO: Wow! Oh my goodness! Do you think it could be?

CLYDE TOMBAGH: Oh yeah! It’s orbiting like a planet. 

LEO: And it’s so…

CLYDE TOMBAGH: Cute?

LEO: Exactly! It’s like the cutest planet I’ve ever seen.

CLYDE TOMBAGH: That’s exactly what I thought. It’s such a cute little planet.

LEO: Like the cutest. Darren needs to see this. Darren! 

Another scientist, Darren, comes over.

DARREN: Sup y'all?

LEO: Clyde found another planet.

DARREN: You’re kiddin’ me! 

Darren looks in the telescope.

DARREN: Well ain’t that the cutest lil’ planet in the universe!

CLYDE: Isn’t it just adorable?

DARREN: I swear, I just wanna put it in my pocket. It’s SO LIL’. Hey Paul, you gotta come see this! 

Paul comes over.

PAUL: What are you troublemakers up to?

DARREN: Look what Clyde found. Look at this.

Paul looks at the telescope.

PAUL: Clyde, why did you tape a picture of your newborn baby boy to the telescope?

CLYDE TOMBAGH: That’s not a picture of Willy, that’s a new planet!

PAUL: THAT’S A PLANET? BUT IT’S SO CUTE.

LEO: That’s what we’re saying!

PAUL: I feel like I just wanna hug it and read it bedtime stories and kiss it goodnight!

DARREN: But it’s TOTALLY A PLANET! 

PAUL: The sweeetest wittle pwanet in da whole wide wordd!

DARREN: Da itty bitty wittle ice baww.

LEO: Awww I just wanna pinch its cheeks! 

CLYDE TOMBAGH: HOW CAN LOOKING AT SUCH A COLD NEW PLANET GIVE ME SO MUCH WARMTH AND COMFORT? 

Another scientist, Bethany, comes over.

BETHANY: What are you men staring at? 

LEO: Ahem. Nothing. 

PAUL: Yeah, just like guy stuff.

DARREN: We’ll let you know if we need anything.

CLYDE TOMBAGH: But I think we’re good.

Bethany walks away.

DARREN: If it had lips, would you guys kiss it? 

ALL GUYS: Totally! 

PAUL: I wanna draw lips onto my telescope so that it looks like it has lips! 

DARREN: I’ve already done that to my telescope after I discovered Neptune, you can totally use mine if you want.

CLYDE TOMBAGH: Can you go get it?! 

DARREN: Totally! 

LEO: I CAN’T BELIEVE WE FOUND SUCH A CUTE PLANET.

CLYDE TOMBAGH: WE ARE LIKE SO LUCKY.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

May 2, 1933: The modern Loch Ness Monster legend is born after a newspaper reports strange sightings.

WHERE: Loch Ness, Scotland. 

A couple, who we’ll call Donald and Elaine, are standing at the edge of the lake. A grizzled old man in a boat comes up to them.

OLD MAN: Mornin’! 

DONALD AND ELAINE: Mornin’.

OLD MAN: Beautifully murky day, isn’t it?

DONALD: Very murky, very murky.

ELAINE: I didn’t expect this much fog today.

OLD MAN: You people are out here looking for the monster, aren’t ye?

DONALD: You caught us.

ELAINE: How’d you know?

OLD MAN: I can tell about people when they come to my lake. I’ve been out on this lake my whole life. 

DONALD: Your whole life on this lake? Was that dangerous at all?

OLD MAN: Danger knows no bounds in this lake man. I’ve seen things you won’t imagine! Things that will blow your mind! Bizarre, unnatural things that you wouldn’t even discuss with your mother.

DONALD: Like what?

OLD MAN: Well, have you ever seen a fish? 

ELAINE: Yes.

OLD MAN: Well I’ve seen at least 30 ALL AT ONCE. They were swimmin’ together like they knew each other! 

DONALD: I believe that’s what fish do.

OLD MAN: That’s what they do here, because this is a crazy lake.

ELAINE: What else have you seen?

OLD MAN: Wellll, I was rowin’ around this lake once, and my oar got caught! 

ELAINE: Oh! 

OLD MAN: And I pulled and pulled and pulled with all my might to get it back.When I did, you know what was on it?

ELAINE: What?! What?!

OLD MAN: SEAWEED. A ton of it. Wrapped around my oar. I almost lost it to seaweed. Treachery in every corner of this here lake.

DENNIS: None of this sounds dangerous.

OLD MAN: NOT TO A LAND LUBBER LIKE YOU.

DENNIS: I think I could do any of this.

OLD MAN: What about THIS scenario: You’re out in your boat in the middle of the day and everything’s quiet. All of a sudden, you hear a rumble. A loud rumble. 

DENNIS: Uh oh.

OLD MAN: The whole boat starts to shake. Ripples are emitting from under your skiff because of the insane shakiness of it all. You think you might be in an earthquake and this could be the end of you. All of the sudden, that’s what you realize–that’s when you realize–that rumble—it’s—it’s—-

DENNIS: WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?

OLD MAN: It’s your STOMACH! You’ve been out on the sea all day and you didn’t realize until then you haven’t even had a meal. So you go back into shore to eat but that takes another 30 MINUTES and by then..YOU’RE STARVING.

ELAINE: I thought you were talking about the monster.

OLD MAN: Hunger is a monster. A wild, uncontrollable monster. And the scariest thing about it is that it’s ALWAYS INSIDE YOU.

DENNIS: But that’s not the kind of monster we care about. We want the other kind of monster.

OLD MAN: What other monster?

ELAINE: You know, the Loch Ness Monster. The big water lizard that people have been sighting.

OLD MAN: What???

DENNIS: You’ve never heard of this?

OLD MAN: You think I talk to people?

ELAINE: And you’ve never seen anything?

OLD MAN: YOU THINK IF I SAW A GIANT WATER LIZARD I’D STILL BE ROWING ABOUT ON THIS STUPID LITTLE BOAT? 

DENNIS: So you’ve never seen the Loch Ness Monster?

OLD MAN: WHAT? NO. GOD NO. HOW HORRIFYING.

ELAINE: That’s a disappointment. Oh well. 

OLD MAN: Quick, grab my oar! Pull me in! I need to get out of this boat! 

DENNIS: Eh, I feel like you’d just pull me in. And I don’t want to be wet.

OLD MAN: PLEASE. I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THIS MONSTER. THAT’S AWFUL. HELP ME! 

ELAINE: You’ll be fine. We have to go.

Dennis and Elaine leave.

OLD MAN: PLEASE! COME BACK! I DON’T WANT TO GET EATEN BY A LIZARD. OH NO, NOW WE’RE TALKING ABOUT EATING. NOW I’M HUNGRY, WHICH IS THE OTHER MONSTER. AW MAN, PLEASE HELP ME! I’M FIGHTING OFF TWO MONSTERS! I DON’T WANT TO GO, I HAVEN’T SEEN ENOUGH DANGER YET! 

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

April 19, 1897: The first Boston Marathon is held.

WHERE: The Finish Line. 

John McDermott, the race’s winner, and Dick Grant, the runner-up, have just finished the race. A reporter comes up to them.

REPORTER: You two just finished the Boston Marathon, how do you feel?

DICK GRANT: Tired.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: Very tired.

REPORTER: How was the race?

JOHN MCDERMOTT: Awful. 

DICK GRANT: Just the worst thing I’ve ever done.

REPORTER: Neither of you enjoyed yourselves?

JOHN MCDERMOTT: We didn’t say that.

DICK GRANT: Look, it was hot.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: It was long.

DICK GRANT: We had cramps.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: Hell, I pretty much walked the last few miles. 

DICK GRANT: But dammit, it was amazing.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: Because we dealt with all the garbage and we made it through to the end.

REPORTER: So you’re saying the race is garbage.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: Of course it’s garbage! All challenges are garbage. The only reason we take challenges is so we can prove that even if crap gets put in our way, that crap doesn’t stand a chance against people like us.

DICK GRANT: That’s right. Twenty six miles of crap. It sucks so much.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: But standing on the other side of suckiness is pretty cool, isn’t it?

DICK GRANT: It sure is, John.

REPORTER: So you’ll do it again?

JOHN MCDERMOTT: God, I guess so.

REPORTER: You don’t want to?

DICK GRANT: Look, who wants to hurt? 

JOHN MCDERMOTT: Nobody. But who wants to succeed? 

DICK GRANT: Everybody. Tell me I can’t do something and I’ll do it. Got it?

REPORTER: So you anticipate more Boston Marathons?

JOHN MCDERMOTT: God, you’re asking such stupid questions.

DICK GRANT: Of course there’ll be more Boston Marathons! I mean, I have to win one.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: I’d like to see you try.

DICK GRANT: I will.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: Look, I hope this kind of thing goes on forever. Finally, something to run for instead of something to run away from. 

DICK GRANT: You’re a smart man. 

JOHN MCDERMOTT: No I’m not. Running usually just gets me to speak in metaphors.

DICK GRANT: Same here. 

REPORTER: What do you say to kids out there who might want to do this too?

DICK GRANT: Everyone hates running. It hurts. And that’s why you should do it. If you do what you hate you won’t be afraid of it.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: And keep going no matter what. Just run until you reach an ocean, then turn around and go to the other one. 

REPORTER: Will you be running in the Olympics in 1900?

DICK GRANT: God I hope not.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: So probably.

REPORTER: I still don’t understand why both of you do it because you hate it. Many people run because they love it.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: That’s what we do as Americans, you dummy. We face hard times and make it through. Show me a hard time, and I’ll see you when it’s over with a smile on my face.

DICK GRANT: Yeah. We find something we hate and we do it over and over because we can. And we’ll prove it.

REPORTER: Don’t you think that’s a backwards way of looking at things?

JOHN MCDERMOTT: LEAVE US ALONE WE’RE TIRED! 

DICK GRANT: YEAH GO INTERVIEW SOME OF THE OTHER LOSERS.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: YEAH. I’M MAD BECAUSE I RAN BUT I’M HAPPY BECAUSE I FINISHED. SO GIVE ME A BREAK, JERK.

REPORTER: Sorry. Congratulations. Good day.

Reporter walks away.

DICK GRANT: Good race, John. Go to Hell.

JOHN MCDERMOTT: You too, Dick. Up yours.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED. PRAYERS TO BOSTON.

April 7, 1939: Italian troops invade and occupy Albania.

WHERE: Benito Mussolini’s headquarters.

Benito Mussolini is studying a map of Albania. His right-hand man, Carlo, comes in.

CARLO: Sir, we’ve captured Albania.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Ha! Okay! Hahaaaa yes! 

CARLO: What do we do with it now, sir?

BENITO MUSSOLINI: What do we do with it now? WHAT DO WE DO WITH IT NOW?

CARLO: Just want to continue giving orders sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Well, obviously we’ve occupied Albania for a reason! 

CARLO: Yes sir. Your reasons, sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: And my reasons were that…Albania was there…and other people are invading countries…so…I thought I…should…too….

CARLO: Yes sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: And I guess it worked.

CARLO: It did sir. We have officially occupied Albania.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Well good for us! Did they HATE it?

CARLO: Not really. They like us. We basically fuel their economy.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Oh. Well now I feel bad.

CARLO: Basically sir, it’s like you had a best friend that did nothing but supported you, so you decided to sneak over to that friend’s apartment, get your friend evicted, and move into that apartment just because you felt like it.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: That’s a very harsh metaphor, Carlo.

CARLO: I’m sorry, sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: I don’t like it when you throw around metaphors like that. It’s a real pain.

CARLO: Once again, so sorry sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Well now we have Albania. And there’s gotta be things in it. Aren’t there things?

CARLO: They’re our neighbors across the Adriatic Sea, sir! 

BENITO MUSSOLINI: I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT. I’ve just been so busy.

CARLO: You know nothing about a country you just decided to invade?

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Look Carlo, it was an impulse invasion. There, I said it. Everyone was thinking it so I went ahead and said it. Sorry for wanting to occupy some places.

CARLO: Well let’s make use of it.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Great! Tell me what Albania has. What’s it’s biggest export?

CARLO: Well sir, it’s the 13th largest exporter of figs in the world.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: FIGS? You’re kidding me. FIGS??? So if anyone wants figs, and TWELVE OTHER  COUNTRIES can’t give them figs, we can say,“Hey! Try these ALBANIAN FIGS!”

CARLO: That’s correct sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: WHY DID I DO THIS?

CARLO: I don’t know sir! 

BENITO MUSSOLINI: I’m really grasping at straws here. Hey, maybe from this, I’ll just say it was a jumping off point to take over the rest of the Balkans. That’s nothing to mess with, right? People would think that was scary.

CARLO: Not a bad idea, sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Thanks Carlo. I’ll just say that. Tell the troops to sit tight in Albania. Tell them to munch on some…figs…or something.

CARLO: Okay sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Do you even munch on figs? What do you do with figs? WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY WOULD CARE SO MUCH ABOUT FIGS?

CARLO: Looks like your country now, sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Get out, Carlo. Thanks for the attitude.

CARLO: Just keeping you in check, sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: That’s why I keep you around. Hey Carlo.

CARLO: Yes sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Albania wasn’t a mistake, was it? People wouldn’t make fun of me for this, would they?

CARLO: No sir. A dictator’s gotta do what a dictator’s gotta do.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Damn right I do! 

CARLO: Congratulations on the invasion sir.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Thanks, Carlo.

CARLO: Maybe soon we’ll do one that really matters.

BENITO MUSSOLINI: Oh good God I hope so.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

March 22, 1933: Franklin Delano Roosevelt legalizes the sale of beer and wine, the first step to ending Prohibition.

WHERE: The White House, late at night.

Eleanor Roosevelt is sitting in the living room. FDR comes in with a six-pack of beer.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Is that beer?

FDR: No, it’s cold medicine. You bet your butt it’s beer, Eleanor! 

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Beer is back! 

FDR: You know it, sweetheart! Passed the law today. So look what we have here? 

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Well that’s great news.

FDR: Yeah, I call these babies my “Depression Lifters”. You get it? Because it’s gonna help the economy, but beer, in its essence, always ends up making you sad? You get that joke honey?

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Yes. I do. It’s very funny.

FDR: Yeah, I thought it was alright. I went into the store where they were selling this stuff and said,“HEY. WHO TOLD YOU BEER WAS LEGAL AGAIN.” And the owner of the store got so nervous! He said,“Well, you did, Mr. President.” And then I stared him right in the face. I stared him in the face and said,“Well I think it’s a crime.” Then I paused for like 3 minutes, until I finally said,“It’s a crime I don’t have a beer in my hand!” And everyone laughed. Oh Eleanor, you should have seen it, it was a RIOT.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Sounds funny. 

FDR: Oh it was hilarious. Everyone was patting me on the back and telling me how funny I was.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Well, you are the President.

FDR: Just like today, when I signed the bill, then I looked around at my cabinet and said,“It’s a good thing this bill is a law now, because I’m already drunk.” Then I paused for, once again, 3 minutes, until I said,“Drunk…WITH POWER!” That got everyone rip roaring with laughter. You shoulda seen it honey.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: That seems like kind of a mean joke.

FDR: Come on, sweetie, it’s just a joke! You know how that is. I swear I saw both Senators from California wet themselves! 

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: You probably just make them nervous because you’re the most powerful man in the country.

FDR: Do I make you nervous?

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Well, no, but–

FDR: Because if I do, I have something that’ll take the edge off RIGHT HERE. AND IT’S COMPLETELY LEGAL BABY! 

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Is that a joke?

FDR: UH DUH! 

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: That just seemed a lot like a true statement.

FDR: You know what is a true statement? I love this country.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: I know you do, dearest.

FDR: Did I say I love this country? I mean to say I love wine country. HONEY LET’S GO TO NAPA.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Are you serious about that?

FDR: No honey, it’s a joke! Napa is wine country! I just zinged ya.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Honey you know you don’t have to joke around with me all the time. You can just be yourself.

FDR: I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m just so proud of my country. I was afraid we were going to let fear control our decisions.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: You overcame it, dear.

FDR: Because you know what I always say–

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: What do you say?

FDR: You have nothing to BEER but BEER itself! YES! I TOTALLY GOT YOU! 

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Okay Franklin, I’ve had enough of the jokes for the night. I think I should just head off to bed.

FDR: But we have to finish this beer!

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: I’m not in the mood for beer tonight.

FDR: Look, Ellie, I’m sorry. Can I say I’m sorry?

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Yes. You can.

FDR: I guess I’ve just been making jokes because…because…

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Because what?

FDR: Because…I’m drunk.

FDR pauses.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: Are you seriously pausing? I already know how this ends. You don’t have to do this to me, you just told me about how you did this earlier.

FDR still stays silent. You can tell a laugh is boiling up inside of him.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: You’re drunk with power. I know. Just say it.

FDR stays silent for another minute.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: I’m going to bed. Congratulations on the law. Goodnight.

Eleanor leaves. FDR pauses for another minute.

FDR: I’M DRUNK WITH POWER! Honey, come on, the pause is the funniest part! You going to bed? I’ll meet you in there, I just have a couple more bills to pass. Did I say bills? I meant pils! As in pilsner! Which is beer! DID YOU HEAR THAT HONEY? I CAN COME IN AND TELL IT TO YOU! 

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

March 18, 1852: Henry Wells and William G. Fargo launch their shipping and banking company to fulfill the demand of cross-country shipping as a result of the Gold Rush.

WHERE: New York City.

Henry Wells and William Fargo are at their new shipping center. One of their transporters, Ernest, is with them.

HENRY WELLS: Well Ernest, you excited to go out West today?! 

ERNEST: Yes sir.

WILLIAM FARGO: Good to hear, good to hear. Have you ever been out there before?

ERNEST: No sir, but I’ve always wanted to sir.

HENRY WELLS: Good to hear, good to hear! Well we can’t wait for you to get out there.

WILLIAM FARGO: We’ve been out there–

HENRY WELLS: We didn’t like it–

WILLIAM FARGO: Too much dirt. It’s almost all dirt.

HENRY WELLS: But we have a lot of friends out there–

WILLIAM FARGO: And they’re so excited to have transporters like you! 

ERNEST: Good to hear. 

HENRY WELLS: What are you transporting, Ernest?

ERNEST: Well sir, I’m bringing cash for wire transfers and several articles of clothing a woman wanted to send along to her husband.

WILLIAM FARGO: So you have a little room?

ERNEST: Yes sir, a bit.

HENRY WELLS: Good to hear, good to hear! Any way you could bring a few things along for us?

ERNEST: Of course, sir.

WILLIAM FARGO: Fantastic! I have a friend who lives in a town out there who wanted me to send him this trunk full of boots.

William Fargo pulls up a trunk.

ERNEST: That should fit, sir.

HENRY WELLS: I have a friend who just happens to be a woman out there and she wanted me to send along a few letters.

Henry Wells pulls out a large box full of letters.

ERNEST: Yes sir.

WILLIAM FARGO: I know a couple girls out there and I just thought I’d send them a couple paintings I did. It’s all from memory so don’t judge them.

William Fargo puts 9 paintings that look like stick figures onto the wagon.

ERNEST: Alright. 

HENRY WELLS: And I was going to send another friend who is also a woman some pies. Here they are. DO NOT TOUCH THEM.

Henry Wells lines up 5 pies on the floor of the wagon.

ERNEST: Sir, I’m running out of room–

WILLIAM FARGO: By the way, I know a few children out there who were missing their dog so let him go with you! COME ON BOY! 

A golden retriever gets into the wagon.

ERNEST: I can’t care for a dog the whole way.

HENRY WELLS: That’s alright, I know this child I found who just happens to be a little woman wanted to go out to California! She can keep the dog company. COME ON GIRL! 

A 9 year-old girl gets onto the wagon.

HENRY WELLS: AND DO NOT LET HER TOUCH THE PIES.

ERNEST: I’m not sure I can transport all this. There’s not a lot of room and this is very valuable information.

WILLIAM FARGO: Woah woah, not good to hear.

HENRY WELLS: Not good to hear at all.

WILLIAM FARGO: This is your job, Ernest. 

HENRY WELLS; And this is our business.

WILLIAM FARGO: Those girls need that dog.

HENRY WELLS: And those pies are more important than your life.

WILLIAM FARGO: Can you just try?

HENRY WELLS: Try a little? Please?

ERNEST: Well…I guess I can.

WILLIAM FARGO: That’s better. Better to hear. Have fun! And be careful, the dog bites.

HENRY WELLS: And so does the girl.

ERNEST: Why don’t you bring your daughter to California?

HENRY WELLS: Oh that’s not my daughter! You’re so funny.

WILLIAM FARGO: Well you better get going! Have a great time! 

HENRY WELLS: Watch out for mountain lions! 

WILLIAM FARGO: And all rivers! 

ERNEST: Okay. Thanks.

HENRY WELLS: Bye! 

WILLIAM FARGO: Bye! 

The wagon leaves.

WILLIAM FARGO: I love our business.

HENRY WELLS: It really is a good trade.

WILLIAM FARGO: Who thought we’d actually make a career out of being kleptomaniacs?

HENRY WELLS: Not me, that’s for sure! 

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

March 13, 1942: The U.S. Army begins training dogs for the newly established War Dog Program, or the "K-9 Corps".

WHERE: A top-secret military base. 

Two soldiers bring a young Siberian Husky into a large outdoor area full of dogs.

SOLDIER 1: Here you go, pup. Hang out here until we need you.

SOLDIER 2: What a great program this is. You think these dogs know they’re going to war?

SOLDIER 1: I’ve always thought dogs were more perceptive than we  give them credit. You never know.

The two soldiers leave.

*NOTE: The rest of this conversation was originally in dog language, but it has been translated for the good of historical preservation.*

As soon as the soldiers leave, a Malumute takes notice and calls out to the rest of the dogs. 

MALUMUTE: EVERYBODY FALL IN! 

All of the dogs line up in a straight line. The Husky looks very confused. A German Shepherd appears from the shadows. He comes over to the Husky.

GERMAN SHEPHERD: YOU LOST, BOY?

HUSKY: Uh…Uh…

GERMAN SHEPHERD: WELL? Speak up! 

MALUMUTE: Hey Sarge, maybe he’s lookin’ for the CAT DIVISION! 

GERMAN SHEPHERD: THAT’S ENOUGH MARTINEZ. SHUT UP AND GIVE ME 50 TAIL CHASES.

MUTTINEZ: Yes sir. 

Muttinez the Malumute starts chasing his tail and counting as he does so.

GERMAN SHEPHERD: Well, kid. What do you have to say?

HUSKY: Sir…my name’s…Shihtzgerald. Ronny Shihtzgerald.

GERMAN SHEPHERD: Good to meet you Shihtzgerald. The name’s General Dwight D. Eisenschnauser. Over there’s my right hand man, Capt. Douglas MacBarker.

Eisenschnauser points over to a collie. He has an eye patch.

MACBARKER: HELLO.

FITZGERALD: Nice to meet you both.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: It looks like you’re in our outfit now. You know what you’re here for? 

MUTTINEZ: Does anybody? 

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: MUTTINEZ, 50 MORE TAIL CHASES.

MUTTINEZ: Dammit! 

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: A HUNDRED MORE! 

MUTTINEZ: Yes sir.

SHIHTZGERALD: We’re to fight the enemy, sir.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: This kid’s good. Hey MacBarker, isn’t he good?

CAPTAIN MACBARKER: Oh yeah. He’s good.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: And who, may I ask, do you think is the enemy?

SHIHTZGERALD: Oh I don’t know, sir. This is only my first day.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: Take a wild guess.

SHIHTZGERALD: I’m not sure. Cats?

There are murmurs from the dogs.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: Oh, it could be cats.

CAPTAIN MACBARKER: That’s what I said! 

MUTTINEZ: Cats are ALWAYS the enemy! 

One Doberman Pinscher steps up.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: I HATE CATS. I HATE ‘EM. I’LL TEAR 'EM TO SHREDS.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: (to the Doberman) Step down, Private! (to Shihtzgerald) That’s Private George Waggington. He’s a wild card.

SHIHTZGERALD: Wait, do you not know who the enemy is?

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: DON’T TALK DOWN TO ME, KID. OF COURSE I KNOW WHO THE ENEMY IS. WE’RE GOING TO WAR. WE KNOW WHO WE’RE FIGHTING.

CAPTAIN MACBARKER: Well, we have a good idea. Cats is way high up there.

MUTTINEZ: We also think the enemy might be squirrels but I think that’s just a stereotype.

AN ESKIMO DOG: I think the enemy might be doorbells! 

A BELGIAN SHEEPDOG: I think the enemy might be shoes! 

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: And of course, we never forget about how genitals might be the enemy. There’s just something about them. Every other dog’s butt as well. That’s why we always check.

PRIVATE GEORGE WAGGINGTON: GENITALS. BUTTS. CAN’T GET ENOUGH. LET ME AT 'EM! I’LL DESTROY 'EM! 

SHIHTZGERALD: Well sir, if I may be so bold, maybe the humans well let us know.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: WHEN HAVE WE EVER DEPENDED ON HUMANS TO HELP US OUT?

CAPTAIN MACBARKER: Except for when we wait for them to feed us.

MUTTINEZ: And when we wait for them to walk us around.

SHIHTZGERALD: And when we wait for them to let us outside to go to the bathroom.

PRIVATE GEORGE WAGGINGTON: BATHROOM. BUTTS. KILL ALL BUTTS. LET ME AT 'EM! 

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: Well I guess you’re right. This is only the first day. Maybe humans will let us know.

SHIHTZGERALD: Well good.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: BUT NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, AND HOW SCARY IT IS, BE IT CATS–

CAPTAIN MACBARKER: OR MEN WITH PACKAGES–

MUTTINEZ: OR GARBAGE DISPOSALS–

PRIVATE GEORGE WAGGINGTON: OR BUTTS AHHHHH BUTTS!

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: WILL YOU, LITTLE SHIHTZGERALD, DEFEND OUR HUMAN FRIENDS TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY?

SHIHTZGERALD: Of course I will, sir.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: DO YOU PROMISE TO FIGHT WHATEVER YOU NEED TO FIGHT IN ORDER TO KEEP THEM SAFE AND HAPPY, NO MATTER HOW SCARY THAT ENEMY MIGHT BE?

SHIHTZGERALD: I promise, sir.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: AND WILL YOU PROTECT THEM BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM AND THEY SCRATCH YOU REAL NICE BEHIND THE EARS EXACTLY WHEN YOU NEED IT? 

SHIHTZGERALD: I would love nothing more, sir.

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: Then I hereby welcome you to the pack, Shihtzgerald. Make us proud, kid.

CAPTAIN MACBARKER: Welcome, boy.

MUTTINEZ: Yeah, welcome, you little punk.

SHIHTZGERALD: So that’s it? I’m one of you guys now? 

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: I guess so.

SHIHTZGERALD: What do we do now? 

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: Well. I guess we have a little time. You guys wanna…play?

MUTTINEZ: Sure.

CAPTAIN MACBARKER: I could play.

PRIVATE GEORGE WAGGINGTON: Butts yeah I could play! 

GENERAL EISENSCHNAUSER: Let’s play our favorite game, “Run”. Shihtzgerald, you start.

SHIHTZGERALD: What do I do?

ALL DOGS: RUN!

All the dogs run around until they’re tired. Then they take a nap. After that, they eat a little food. A few days later, they fly overseas and defend our country, because they’re the bravest, most wonderful animals in the whole wild world.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

March 12, 1933: Franklin Delano Roosevelt broadcasts his first fireside chat on the radio.

WHERE: The White House. 

Franklin D. Roosevelt is sitting at his desk surrounded by microphones. He begins his address.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT: I’d like to talk for a few minutes with the people of the United States about banking. Consider this conversation not a formal address, but simply me coming into your home to talk for a while. Maybe we’re sitting in your living room or I’m on your front porch. Perhaps I’m even with you in your bedroom, but I won’t be so bold as to assume so. 

FDR does a rim shot.

That’s right everyone, I also have a drumset in here. I thought that if I was entertaining you in your home this evening, I might as well bring some fun with me. We’ll make sure that this talk is nice, informational, and, god-willing, a hoot. Imagine I’m in your kitchen, at your dinner table. Hey Ricky, pass the gravy. But don’t actually, because you might end up pouring it onto your radio.

FDR does another rim shot.

I care about you guys, I really do, but come on, that’s hilarious. But let’s talk about something that’s serious. Our serious financial state. Most of our country is unemployed. Parents cannot feed their children. People wait for hours in line just to get a piece of bread. Hours for a piece of bread? DAMN, THAT MUST BE GOOD BREAD! 

FDR does a rim shot.

But seriously folks, times are hard. And if we give our country a chance, we will surely succeed. Help your neighbor. Treat them like your brother, your sister. Treat your elders like your mother or your father. Or if you don’t like ‘em, treat them like an in-law and then you’ll only have to see them once a year! 

FDR does a rim shot.

You might think that’s insensitive, but it’s okay, because I have Polio! 

FDR doesn’t do a rimshot. There is a long silence.

Look, we’re gonna be fine. We have to endure these troubling times, and if we do it together, we’ll be even happier. This has been Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Have a great night, my fellow Americans. I hope you have fun. Play a game. Play tennis, go bowling. Or, if you’re in the south, just go Dust Bowling! 

FDR does another rimshot.

AND I’M BACK! GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

March 2, 1978: Two men steal the corpse of Charlie Chaplin from a cemetery in Switzerland.

WHERE: A cemetery in the Swiss village of Crosier-sur-Vevey.

Two grave robbers, who we’ll call Marcus and Nelson, have finally dug up a grave. Before them sits Charlie Chaplin.

MARCUS: Finally! There he is! 

NELSON: Wow.

MARCUS: What? You knew what we were going for. 

NELSON: I know, I know, it’s just…This is Charlie Chaplin.

MARCUS: Obviously. That’s who we’re going for.

NELSON: I know. But I didn’t expect to be starstruck.

MARCUS: Nelson, are you serious?

NELSON: Look, I know he’s dead. But I just…I never thought I’d meet Charlie Chapln!

MARCUS: We’re not meeting him. We’re stealing him.

NELSON: Stop being so morbid Marcus.

MARCUS: We’re standing in front of a dead body Nelson.

NELSON: I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say.

MARCUS: You don’t have to say anything. You just have to grab his legs and I’ll grab his arms.

NELSON: I want to shake his hand.

MARCUS: Seriously?

NELSON: Well it’s not every day you run into Charlie Chaplin!

MARCUS: Do you not understand what we’re doing here?

NELSON: He’s a legend!

MARCUS: IT’S A BODY, NELSON. How can it feel like he’s alive.

NELSON: He’s a silent film star Marcus! I never would have heard him speak anyway! This could be a scene in any one of his movies. Maybe it is! Maybe he’s tricking us! Good one Charlie, get on up!

MARCUS: Alright Nelson, obviously you weren’t ready for this task. I thought you would be able to handle it. You promised me you wouldn’t do what you did last time.

NELSON: WHAT DID I DO LAST TIME?

MARCUS: YOU TRIED TO KISS ELEANOR ROOSEVELT’S CORPSE.

NELSON: SHE DID SO MUCH.

MARCUS: Look Nelson, if you’re gonna be a grave robber, you can’t get so invested. If we’re stealing famous people, you just have to look at them as a way to get money. This is what we do. This is our job. You think if these people were alive they’d really want to talk to someone like you? You’re kidnapping them from their eternal resting place.

NELSON: Well now that you say it like that I feel bad. I guess I should apologize.

MARCUS: Jesus, you don’t have to–

NELSON: Look Mr. Chaplin, I’m really sorry if I annoyed you in any way. You were just such a big deal to me growing up so I couldn’t wait to meet you. If you need anything in this process just let me know.

MARCUS: You fundamentally do not know the difference between being dead and being alive, do you?

NELSON: Sure! Being alive means you can be mean to me, being dead means you can’t talk back. All my best friends are dead! Charlie, Eleanor, my dog Winnie.

MARCUS: Nelson, I think this is going to be our last grave robbing together. I’ve had a lot of fun with you but I think you’re getting too invested.

NELSON: IS IT WRONG TO LOVE WHAT I DO?

MARCUS: IF YOUR JOB IS STEALING CORPSES, THEN YES.

NELSON: You know Marcus, you could take a little initiative. When we were handling Albert Einstein, I could feel that he thought you were treating him a little coldly.

MARCUS: You know what? I think I’m gonna skip out on this. You’ve gotten too weird.

NELSON: I JUST WISH I COULD GET THEIR AUTOGRAPH.

MARCUS: YOU LITERALLY GET THEIR ENTIRE BODY. 

NELSON: I WANT THEIR PERSONALITY.

MARCUS: STOP BEING IN THE BUSINESS OF HANDLING CORPSES THEN.

NELSON: God. You just can’t handle this celebrity lifestyle.

MARCUS: You’re so weird. God. You’re the weirdest. 

NELSON: Why do we even do this? I feel like we’re being so mean to celebrities.

MARCUS: The millions in ransom money.

NELSON: OH YEAH. LET’S GO! Be careful with his head. Wouldn’t want to damage that moneymaker, he probably has a photo shoot later this week!

MARCUS: There is more wrong with you than I will ever know.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

February 16, 1959: Fidel Castro is sworn in as prime minister of Cuba.

WHERE: Havana, Cuba. Fidel Castro is about to go onstage to give a speech. Alberto, Castro’s PR Guy, comes up to him.

ALBERTO: Heyyy Fidel.

FIDEL CASTRO: Alberto? I didn’t know you were gonna be here! 

ALBERTO: I’m your publicist, Fidel, of course I’m gonna be here! Congratulations, by the way.

FIDEL CASTRO: Oh, thanks. I was surprised myself.

ALBERTO: You lead a revolution and you overthrew the government. How was that surprising?

FIDEL CASTRO: I mean, I knew it was gonna happen. It just, you know, happened. So it’s like…wow. It happened.

ALBERTO: Okay.

FIDEL CASTRO: I’m kidding! Just making a joke. You know how that is. 

ALBERTO: That’s funny!

FIDEL CASTRO: I know.

ALBERTO: Right. Listen Fidel, I was looking over your speech, and I just wanted to talk to you about the speech you’re about to do.

FIDEL CASTRO: Did you read it?

ALBERTO: Of course I did, Fidel! I think it’s great.

FIDEL CASTRO: Well good. If you didn’t I’d have to execute you.

ALBERTO: Oh.

FIDEL CASTRO: Kidding! 

ALBERTO: Hilarious! 

FIDEL CASTRO: I know.

ALBERTO: I just wanted to talk to you about certain points. I’m not sure everything you have in there is going to be good for your image.

FIDEL CASTRO: Like what, Alberto?

ALBERTO: Well, that part where you make fun of everyone in America, saying that they probably sleep in a pile of dog poop every night?

FIDEL CASTRO: What about it? It’s hilarious! Just a joke, you know how it is.

ALBERTO: I get that, but I’m not sure that people are going to think it’s a joke.

FIDEL CASTRO: But it is.

ALBERTO: What about the part where you say you’re going to make out with everyone in the USSR because you love them so much?

FIDEL CASTRO: Totally a joke!

ALBERTO: You say you want the USSR and Cuba to have sex and make little Communist babies.

FIDEL CASTRO: Isn’t that such a funny thing? Can you imagine if two COUNTRIES had babies? How would two such land masses even have sex? 

ALBERTO: Fidel, I just think it’s strange.

FIDEL CASTRO: Is that all?

ALBERTO: Well I’m not a big fan of what you say about the past prime ministers of Cuba.

FIDEL CASTRO: Oh, what’s wrong with that?

ALBERTO: You can’t tell the entire country that you think their former leaders ran the country like an Asian woman driving.

FIDEL CASTRO: I think that’s like my best joke!

ALBERTO: Fidel, you can’t say offensive things that will outrage the country and then just say that you’re joking. That one is awful. No one is going to get that joke.

FIDEL CASTRO: What do you know?

ALBERTO: Look, I’ve been your PR guy for a long time. Which has been REALLY HARD. You don’t listen to me very much. If you never listen to me again, just listen to me today. Then I’ll never tell you what to say ever again.

Long pause.

FIDEL CASTRO: UGH. FINE. I’ll take your notes.

ALBERTO: Really?! Oh thanks!

FIDEL CASTRO: No problem Alberto. Thanks for looking out for me.

ALBERTO: That’s my job! 

FIDEL CASTRO: Well, better get out there.

ALBERTO: Go for it! I still think the rest of the speech is great. I love the joke about how you’re immortal and you’ll run the country FOREVER. That’s hilarious.

FIDEL CASTRO: That’s not a joke.

ALBERTO: Oh.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

February 15, 1903: The first Teddy bear goes on sale, modeled after Teddy Roosevelt.

WHERE: The White House.

Teddy Roosevelt is wrestling his son in the Oval Office. He has his son Kermit, 14 years old, in a headlock when Lionel comes in.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Come on, my boy! Fight back! If I was a lion your head would be well down my gullet by now!

KERMIT: Dad you’re hurting me!

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: You think a lion’s going stop because he’s hurting you? COME ON KERMIT, BE A MAN!

LIONEL: Excuse me, sir. I have to talk to you for a second.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Oh, hello Lionel! Alright.

Teddy lets go of Kermit.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Nice try, Kermit! You almost had it. Tomorrow I’ll pretend to be a SHARK. Bring your bathing suit for that one.

KERMIT: Great dad thanks bye.

Kermit walks away.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: I love that kid. Well, Lionel, spit it out! What seems to be the problem?

LIONEL: No problem, sir. We just got word that the Teddy bear has officially hit stores. 

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: A BEAR SHARING MY NAME HAS STARTED ATTACKING STORES? I’VE HAD DREAMS OF THIS DAY.

LIONEL: No sir, that’s not it–

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Lionel get me my rifle. Good god! What a trophy this will be.

LIONEL: Sir listen to me! That’s not it at all. Remember a while ago you agreed to lend your name to a line of stuffed bears for children?

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: I believe so. Who was it that asked about that? Was it that snowy egret from the wetlands?

LIONEL: If by that you mean the tall German toy maker from New York, then yes.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Oh yes! Okay. No need for alarm. They’re in stores now, you say?

LIONEL: Yes sir, and they’ve been flying off the shelves.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY? THE BEARS ARE COMING ALIVE AND HAVE SOMEHOW GAINED THE POWER OF FLIGHT? NOW THEY’RE TERRORIZING TOWNS? LIONEL GET MY RIFLE.

LIONEL: That’s not at all what I said.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: FLYING BEARS. ANOTHER DREAM OF MINE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

LIONEL: Sir, that’s not at all what’s happening. I just used an expression to tell you that they’re selling very well.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Oh. Alright. Well, no need for alarm. They’re selling well you say? 

LIONEL: Yes, they’re a huge hit with children.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: THE BEARS ARE COMING ALIVE AND HITTING CHILDREN? LIONEL GET MY GUN.

LIONEL: I feel like you’re not even listening to what I’m saying.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: I will not allow bears designed after me to hit children senselessly. THAT IS SOMETHING FOR WHICH I WILL NOT STAND. I WILL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF THESE GOD-FORSAKEN MINIATURE BEARS IN THE FOREHEAD.

LIONEL: All I was saying, Mr. Roosevelt, is that children love them. 

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Oh, of course. They love them? Well, no need for alarm. My boy, how splendid! 

LIONEL: Yes sir, and I have one more thing.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: What’s that, Lionel?

LIONEL: They sent us a free one.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Oh terrific!

LIONEL: Sir, I’m going to pull out the toy, stuffed bear right now.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Wonderful! 

LIONEL: Before I take out this bear, Mr. Roosevelt, look at me.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Yes, my boy?

LIONEL: This is not a real bear.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Of course not!

LIONEL: It is a children’s toy.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Boffo!

LIONEL: You do not need to kill it, it is not alive. 

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Righto.

LIONEL: It is meant to be hugged and loved.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: As are all of God’s creatures, my boy! Bring out the bear! 

LIONEL: Okay. Here it comes.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Great.

LIONEL: It’s not real.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: LIONEL LET ME SEE HIM.

Lionel brings out the Teddy bear from behind his back. He holds it in front of him.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: OH MY GOODNESS LIONEL! YOU’RE IN DANGER!

Teddy grabs the bear and holds him above his head. 

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: STOP DESTROYING MY HOUSEHOLD AND STAY AWAY FROM MY GOOD FRIEND LIONEL YOU MONSTER!

Teddy grabs the knife that’s strapped to his ankle and slices the bear’s head off.

LIONEL: Oh man.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Don’t worry Lionel! You’re safe! A bear will never get you on my watch!

LIONEL: That was the toy.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Oh, right! Obviously.

Teddy picks the head off the ground.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: I do say, it is quite a cute little creature, isn’t it? Maybe it will remind all Americans of the tenderness I feel for each and every one of them. I care about this country, Lionel, and I will protect it from all that wish us harm, but at the end of the day, I hope each and every one of my fellow citizens goes home feeling like they can be safe and cozy within the grounds of their own home. If this little bear does anything to help, well Lionel, that’s all just gravy.

LIONEL: Wow. Well. Right sir. That’s how I feel too.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Now take this head and get it mounted! I want this beast above my fireplace! Let all the other bears who might be sneaking around this White House know, I WILL FIND THEM ALL!

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

February 14, 1929: Alexander Fleming discovers Penicillin.

WHERE: Alexander Fleming’s house. 

Mrs. Fleming is sitting and listening to the radio. Alexander Fleming comes bursting in. 

ALEXANDER FLEMING: Honey! I just cannot believe what I have discovered. You know how I’ve been working with that staphylococcus bacteria in hopes of trying to find a cure? Well, I came in today to discover that I’d left the petri dish open. Amateur, I know, but listen closely because here is where the incredible miracle occurs. A piece of mold had fallen into the staphylococcus, which in any situation would have completely ruined the sample. But when I examined this travesty up close, I realize that the mold had killed much of the staphylococcus. KILLED IT. What luck! What happenstance! Just a simple bread mold, CAN YOU IMAGINE? I think I have found a way to kill bacteria. This could change medicine as we know it. Do you realized THE GREATNESS we have just achieved? 

There is a long pause.

MRS. FLEMING: So what you’re saying is that you forgot to get me something for Valentine’s Day? 

ALEXANDER FLEMING: EXACTLY.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.

February 11, 1858: The Virgin Mary appears to Marie-Bernarde Soubirous (a 14 year-old peasant girl later named St. Bernadette) in a grotto in Southern France.

WHERE: The grotto in southern France. Marie is walking around in search of food. All of a sudden, she sees a beautiful burst of light. In front of her is the Virgin Mary.

MARIE: WOAH. WHO ARE YOU?

VIRGIN MARY: It is I, the Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

MARIE: WOW. ARE YOU REALLY THE VIRGIN MARY?

VIRGIN MARY: Yes I am. I have come back for an important reason.

MARIE: SINCE I SAW YOU DO I GET THREE WISHES?

VIRGIN MARY: Three wishes? Um, no…that’s not really what I do, I have to tell you–

MARIE: MY FIRST WISH IS THAT I GET DINNER TONIGHT.

VIRGIN MARY: I don’t grant–wait, you didn’t get dinner?

MARIE: MY SECOND WISH IS THAT I CAN SLEEP SOMEWHERE TONIGHT THAT ISN’T IN A PUDDLE.

VIRGIN MARY: You have to listen to me, I–a puddle?

MARIE: MY FINAL WISH IS TO HAVE PARENTS. 

VIRGIN MARY: This is so sad.

MARIE: THANK GOODNESS THE VIRGIN MARY HAS COME BACK TO SAVE MY LIFE!

VIRGIN MARY: Oh boy. Look, little girl, I really wish I could help you with that, because it’s really depressing. But I’m just an apparition. I might have some bread in my pockets or something. (She looks in her pockets) Nope, just more beautiful light. 

MARIE: BUT YOU CAME BACK TO HELP ME!

VIRGIN MARY: Ohhh. This is so awkward. Nooo. I came so you could help me.

MARIE: Wait. What?

VIRGIN MARY: Ohhhhhh. I was actually gonna tell you to build a church here in my name, but now I just feel like I’m asking for too much. 

MARIE: Okay, hold on a minute.

VIRGIN MARY: Yeah go ahead.

MARIE: I have no food. No home. No parents.

VIRGIN MARY: Right, we’ve been over all that.

MARIE: And you come back from the dead to get me to build a building for you?

VIRGIN MARY: I mean…I didn’t know it was gonna be you.

MARIE: I can’t build you a church.

VIRGIN MARY: Right. Yeah…I mean…I know…I shouldn’t have told you that. I should just come back. Do you want me to come back later when someone else is here?

MARIE: No no, I’ll listen to it.

VIRGIN MARY: You really want me to do this?

MARIE: I mean, I don’t have food or parents, what else do I have to do?

VIRGIN MARY: Uhhh okay. Well…I gave birth to Christ…

MARIE: Yeah, I know who he is.

VIRGIN MARY: Oh, great. Well if you build a church here it would be really great.

MARIE: Yeah.

VIRGIN MARY: Oh! And also! This might be interesting to you. There’s water under here! Magical miracle water! You should drink from it and feel wonderful!

MARIE: Wait, really? 

VIRGIN MARY: Yeah! I totally forgot. Why didn’t I start with that? That would have made me look so much better. 

MARIE: I could use a good drink of water.

VIRGIN MARY: Of course you can! 

MARIE: What do you mean “of course”?

VIRGIN MARY: I mean, like, everyone loves water.

MARIE: So it’s right under here?

VIRGIN MARY: All you have to do is dig!

MARIE: I HAVE TO WORK FOR IT?

VIRGIN MARY: LOOK, SORRY FOR BEING RUDE, BUT YOU’RE NOT A VERY NICE LITTLE GIRL.

MARIE: I’M POOR AND COLD.

VIRGIN MARY: GOOD POINT. I guess I’m gonna go. Could you like, tell other people I was here? Maybe they’ll want to know.

MARIE: I don’t know…

VIRGIN MARY: PLEASE. COME ON. IT’S LIKE REALLY HARD FOR ME TO APPARATE LIKE THIS.

MARIE: Okay okay fine! I’ll tell people!

VIRGIN MARY: Oh thank you. Thank you so much.

MARIE: Don’t mention it. 

Virgin Mary begins to disappear.

MARIE: Virgin Mary, wait.

VIRGIN MARY: Yes? 

MARIE: Do you know my parents in Heaven?

VIRGIN MARY: Suuuuuuure I do. 

MARIE: If I tell people, when you go back to Heaven, can you tell my parents I miss them and love them?

VIRGIN MARY: Welllll we don’t really run in the same circles. They live all the way on the other side of town and the commute is like Hell–

MARIE: SERIOUSLY?

VIRGIN MARY: You’re right, of course of course! I’ll tell them right away.

MARIE: Geez. Thanks.

VIRGIN MARY: Don’t mention it! Thank YOU.

MARIE: Yeah.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

February 7, 1964: The Beatles arrive in New York.

WHERE: Inside Pan-Am flight 101, on the runway at the JFK Airport in New York City.

CAPTAIN’S VOICE: Welcome to New York City ladies and gentlemen, where the weather is a balmy 32 degrees. Please stay seated until we reach the terminal. Thank you for flying Pan-Am and have a great day.

PAUL MCCARTNEY: Ringo, did you hear that joke? A balmy 32 degrees? 32 degrees isn’t balmy! 

RINGO STARR: I know Paul. It’s very funny.

GEORGE HARRISON: I can’t wait to get to New York! Isn’t it gonna be so much fun! We could see a SHOW! We could see the Statue of Liberty! We can ride in a yellow taxicab! 

JOHN LENNON: That sounds alright.

PAUL MCCARTNEY: Alright? The buildings are bigger than two people on top of each other! Maybe even three!

RINGO STARR: That’s correct Paul. John are you sad? 

JOHN LENNON: I just miss Britain already. All the rain and the tea and mean faces. What if they don’t like us here?

GEORGE HARRISON: Who cares if THEY like US? We’re definitely going to like THEM! With coffee shops and 24-hour pizza and ATMs! 

RINGO STARR: George we have ATMs.

GEORGE HARRISON: BUT THEY’RE NOT IN AMERICA.

JOHN LENNON: Sorry guys, I’m being such a girl. But it’s so scary, you know?! 

RINGO STARR: Listen John, people always say that you can’t get struck by lightning if you don’t stand out in the rain.

PAUL MCCARTNEY: I don’t like rain.

RINGO STARR: It’s a metaphor Paul! God, it’s so hard to always be the smartest one in the room.

JOHN LENNON: Maybe I should just go back. I’ll stay on this flight until it goes back.

RINGO STARR: Nooooo! John. We have to try new things. Just as the leaves fall every autumn in order to make way for a pretty new spring. You’ll see. I think we’ll be okay.

They hear girls screaming.

GEORGE HARRISON: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT? 

PAUL MCCARTNEY: RINGO IS THAT THE LIGHTNING?

JOHN LENNON: IT SOUNDS LIKE WE’RE INSIDE AN INDUSTRIAL MICROWAVE.

RINGO STARR: THOSE ARE OUR FANS, BOYS. THEY’RE READY FOR US. ARE WE READY FOR THEM? 

GEORGE HARRISON: YEAH!

PAUL MCCARTNEY: YEAH! 

JOHN LENNON: Okay.

RINGO STARR: WHAT’S THAT JOHN?

JOHN LENNON: I SAID YEAH! 

RINGO STARR: ALRIGHT. LET’S ALL TAKE THE BOWLS OFF OUR HEADS.

They do.

PAUL MCCARTNEY: HOW DO I LOOK? 

RINGO STARR: LIKE YOU’VE BEEN WEARING A BOWL ON YOUR HEAD FOR MONTHS.

GEORGE HARRISON: RINGO, IF WE GET NERVOUS, CAN YOU SPEAK FOR US?

RINGO STARR: SURE. I’LL BE THE GROUP SPOKESPERSON. DON’T WORRY. TRUST RINGO TO KEEP US TOGETHER. LET’S KICK SOME ASS.

PAUL MCCARTNEY: YOU SAID ASS!!!!

RINGO STARR: PAUL DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDICINE?

PAUL MCCARTNEY: NOOO. I LEFT IT IN BRITAIN.

JOHN LENNON: OH THIS IS GONNA BE WILD.

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.