Alright, so. Get ready for weirdness, because Egyptian mythology has a lot of that.
One of the most prominent and foundational myths of ancient Egypt is how the god Osiris was killed and dismembered by his brother Set (in some accounts, after an affair with Set’s sister-wife, Nepthys, who then gave birth to Anubis), put back together by his sister-wife Isis, then made the god of the afterlife. When she was piecing her husband back together, she found all but one of the fourteen chunks of him that had been scattered across Egypt by an enraged Set. That chunk would be his penis. But never fear, for Isis is the goddess of fertility, so she made her husband a new one out of wood (thus explaining why embalmers would make false ones for the actual dead). So completed, she rode him and became impregnated with a son, Horus (the Falcon, not to be confused with Horus the Elder, the Hawk, who was these four’s presumably-long-suffering brother). Osiris then went off to be ruler of the dead somewhere in the vicinity of the stars we call Orion, leaving the question of who was to rule the land of the living - his elder brother and semi-justified murderer Set, or his legitimate yet posthumous son Horus?
This brings us to The Contendings of Horus and Set, which is ostensibly an epic battle of order vs chaos, but mostly involves a lot of letter-writing and whinging back and forth between the gods because some liked Horus (who was the last king’s son and generally a guy who liked order and not usually killer [except that one time when Isis got too involved and actually wounded Set herself which Horus was not about for some reason and so decapitated her] ) and some liked Set (who was powerful and experienced and had good relations with foreign powers [being that he was the god in charge of them] and had proven himself to be a great protector to Ra against Actual Evil God Apophis and his night demons and whatnot). There were a lot of pointless squabbles between the two involving weird god things like who could hippopotamus better or build ships out of stone (spoiler alert: Set actually built his ship from the top of a goddamn mountain and managed to make it float long enough to get halfway down the river, Horus just made his from pine when no one was looking and just plastered the thing to look like stone. Who was the better dude in that one? You decide.). One time Horus got his eye ripped out and Set lost his testicles - an incident which involved what is probably the oldest recorded pick-up line in history: “How lovely your backside is. How broad your thighs.“ Smooth, uncle Set. Smooth.
Anyway, after eighty years of this the supreme god version of Ra got tired of their shenanigans and told them to lay off for at least one night, for all of their sakes. Set looks at Horus and goes, “Yeah let’s do this thing. Party, my house, tonight.” Horus looks at Set and thinks, “Seems legit.”
So they go party at Set’s house. Just them and the servants and lots of honey and beer and the single bed made up all nice just for them. Halfway through the night, Set rolls over and puts his dick between Horus’ thighs. (Er, depending on the time period you’re reading the myth from, this act is either consensual or not. It mostly depends on how vilified Set is by whichever cult’s in power at the time. In any case, Horus is awake and unrestrained for this.) Horus catches the semen in his hands, and when he gets home in the morning shows his mother. Who promptly freaks out, cuts his hands off to toss into the Nile, fashions him new hands of clay, and then jacks her son off into a pot.
I could not make this up.
This is where The Lettuce Thing comes in. The lettuce species that the ancient Egyptians had was a long, hard stalk that secreted a white, milky substance when cracked and squeezed. So you can see where they would get the idea that it was a phallic aphrodisiac. Well, it so happens that when Isis went to Set’s house, she found out from his gardener that Set loved eating lettuce every day. You know where this is going. Now, I’d like to point out that she didn’t just randomly overhear this and got a wicked idea. No. No, she went and asked outright what Set’s favourite food was, because she was gonna give Set a taste of his own (or well, her son’s) medicine no matter what.
Fast forward to the next court session, and Set - being the asshole that we know and love - decides to announce to the room at large that he should get the throne, because he totally tops. Well, being that ancient Egypt was a highly patriarchal society it - like most ancient cultures - looked down on the receivers in male-male relationships. But while everyone’s boo-hissing at Horus, he just calmly requests a Magical Pregnancy Test for both his and Set’s semen. They do it, and Set’s shows up somewhere in the river (wherever Horus’ old hands are), which perplexes Set and somehow doesn’t phase anyone else. Then they test Set, and lo and behold Horus’ seed reacts from within him!
In very old versions of the myth, this is where the god Thoth is born from Set’s forehead. In others, it’s Thoth performing the test and so the semen emerges in the form of golden disc, which Thoth promptly takes and puts on his own head as a crown. *shrug* Egyptian mythology is a weird case where a jillion different cults formed, then came together, then fought/reformed/vilified/reconciled/destroyed/assimilated one another over millennia, so the origins and motives are a bit wonky. Thoth is one of those deities that had been worshiped before writing was even a thing [although writing became his Thing], and so has many conflicting origin stories - mostly he just seems to appear at some point due to the power of his own voice. I like to think that, since he is also a master of Time, that Thoth may have actually created Himself in that instance, but his presence got spread out through time - back far enough into the beginning that he could trick the moon into giving up five extra non-month days each year, so that Nut could birth his parent-grandparents without repercussion.
But I’m getting ahead (behind?) myself. The point is, now all the gods think their Powerful Guy Set is a big fat bottom, which ~a king shouldn’t be~ and Set is all butthurt about his trick backfiring on him. He sulks off to the river, where he issues the stone boat challenge mentioned earlier but then his boat sinks and he rips up part of Horus’ and realizes that it’s just disguised wood, and it looks like the shenanigans will continue until someone gets the bright idea to just fucking write to the dead king about what his wishes were (apparently it’s Thoth who suggests this, which is why I buy the myth that this is when he was born, since why did no one else - even Isis who resurrected the guy - think of that? Finally, a god of Sense!). Osiris sends them a letter back to the effect of “What the fuck do you think my wishes are. If my son isn’t instated, my next gift basket will be an army of zombies, I swear to myself.”
The council is convinced.
Set’s put in chains and brought before them by a gloating Isis, but he cedes with as much grace as he has left. In most versions of the myth, he’s set free and reinstated as Ra’s bodyguard to thunder away happily in the desert, and in a few later ones (basically after Lower Egypt takes over Upper Egypt) he’s punished somehow, like being taken to the north and bound there by his other wife (in something rather similar to Loki’s fate with Sigyn). In some, he and Horus reconcile and even bless pharaohs together, tying their lotus and reed together around the living king as a symbol of unity and strength between Upper and Lower Egypt.
And that, dear Anon-chan, is The Ancient Egyptian Lettuce Thing.
summary: You meet Jasmine at a Women’s March, and you are struck by how unfairly beautiful she is.
DAY TWO. This is my first femslash, and I’m as straight as an uncooked spaghetti, so go easy on me. This was mostly written to vent about how much I love Jasmine. Again, sorry for the lack of An Actual Good Fic™, life has not been good to me. See ya tomorrow!
“Look around, look around,” you said excitedly. You were initially apprehensive about ditching class, but once you arrived at Washington Avenue, all your worries disappeared. One look at the sight of all the women in the street and you forgot everything.
You were holding a sign saying “All men AND WOMEN are created equal!” sign. It was written in a messy scrawl, not because your penmanship was bad, but because you were kind of overwhelmed by trying to convey an emotion you’ve felt all your life into a sign you made in 5 seconds.
You were listening to the singer onstage, some B-list singer with neon pink lipstick and a green wig. You moved closer to the stage in an attempt to recognize the song.
“Fucking finally!” a female voice said from your right. You turned and found yourself face-to-face with the most beautiful hair you’ve ever seen.
“What?” you asked, deciding that she was talking to you.
“Your sign. All men AND WOMEN are created equal. Finally, someone noticed that in the Declaration as well. Angelica Schuyler would approve,” she grinned, turning to look at you. Huh. Beautiful hair, beautiful face. The world really was unfair.
“Angelica Schuyler? What does she have to do with this? This is me attempting to destroy whatever reputation Thomas Jefferson has,” you said with a small smile. She laughed. Beautiful hair, beautiful face, beautiful laugh. Unbelievable.
“Can’t say I disagree about Jefferson, but you don’t know Hamilton? Hip-hop broadway musical? Ringing any bells?”
You shook your head. “US History major. I know nothing about musical theatre. My burning hatred for Jefferson is just the result of having to read hundreds of pages describing in excessive detail about how great his contributions were to our great nation, while glossing over the fact that he was sitting on a throne of slaves,” you said bitterly.
Most people didn’t really care when you started talking politics, but the girl grinned, looking impressed. She pulled out a pink Pussyhat knit cap, similar to the one she was wearing, from her messenger bag and offered it to you.
You took it and put it on, wiggling your eyebrows at her. She laughed and adjusted the cap for you, her hair falling on your face as she did.
“I’m Jasmine, by the way,” she said, holding out her hand.
“(Y/N). Nice to meet you, Jasmine,” you said, smiling.
“I keep thinking you’re just pretending not to know me so you can befriend me. You’re not secretly a fan, right?” she asked.
“Cocky much?” you teased.
She opened her mouth, no doubt to deliver a witty response, when her phone rang. It was an alarm. You leaned closer to see what it said.
‘Go backstage for performance’
“Shit, I forgot I have to perform,” she said, looking apologetic. “Come on, I’ll get you near the stage so you can see me perform up close. Then you can see if Hamilton’s worth a watch.”
“It’s not a matter of whether your show is worth a watch or not, it’s that I’d have to sell my firstborn and both my kidneys to get tickets,” you grumbled. “Broadway shows are insane.”
Jasmine laughed. “I’d agree with you, but they’re the ones paying my bills.”
You reached the front of the stage. You hadn’t been paying attention, but Jasmine had been holding your hand as she led you to the front. She gave it a small squeeze before walking onto the stage.
If Jasmine was beautiful as a person, she was fucking ethereal as a singer.
You weren’t sure if it was just you or everyone felt the same, but it was like she was the only person onstage. Even when the guitarist was doing his guitar solo, you found yourself captivated by Jasmine’s dancing. She looked you in the eye at the end of the song, and you felt like someone yanked a carpet from under your feet.
“You were amazing,” you gushed, running up to her once she left the stage. Driven by emotion and admiration, you pulled her into a hug. She laughed softly, tucking her head into your neck. After a while, you pulled away and made a face.
“Ew. Sweaty,” you frowned.
“You gotta get used to it if you’re gonna date a Broadway star,” she said with a smirk, knowing exactly what she just said.
Your tongue froze. “Oh. Um. I-”
“So much for the genius US History major,” she teased. “Would you like a pick-up line instead?”
“Meeting you makes me want to veto the Non-Intercourse Act,” she grinned.
You stared at her blankly. “The Non-Intercourse Act was about lifting all embargoes on American shipping except for those headed for the British and French ports.”
“I know what you mean, Jas,” you laughed. “Just give me your number so you can text me when you find a better line.”
It had been 2 days since the Women’s March, and Jasmine still hadn’t texted you. Were you holding on too much hope? Maybe she felt that she was famous, and she didn’t want you caught up in her life. Which was a shame, considering she was one of the realest people you’ve ever met.
You were just about to delete her contact when she texted.
‘hey US history major girl, wanna do something fun?’
what’s your idea of fun, broadway girl?
‘text me your address. I’ll be there at 9 tomorrow’
“Where are we going?” you asked, watching Jasmine drive past buildings, heading towards an avenue filled with a mass of people. “Is this another protest?”
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t text you. I was figuring out what second date would ever top a Women’s March. Then, I got an idea.”
“What is this?” you asked her.
“An anti-gay protest,” she said with a small grin. “Filled with old, white homophobes.”
“Why did you take me here?” you said, torn between amusement and confusion. She took your hand and led you outside. She walked towards the front of the people, making sure that everyone’s eyes were on the two of you.
“Love wins,” Jasmine whispered softly to you, hooking a finger under your chin to kiss you. You wrapped your arms around her neck. Her lips were softer than they looked.
Out of the corner of your eye, you could see the faces of shock and outrage of the protesters. You fought a strong desire to laugh. You pulled away gently and looked around, watching the protesters begin yelling at you in disdain.
“Love wins indeed,” you whispered back, pulling her into another kiss.
An arm was around your waist in an instant, roughly pulling you to the stranger’s side as you released a small yelp – a bruise will form for sure. You glanced at the glaring Joker, then at the unlucky man who tried the worlds lamest pick-up line in history: Are you tired? Cuz’ you’ve been runnin’ though my mind all day.
“I believe my lady deserves a better catcall than the one you picked from your ‘Ten way’s low lifes will not impress girls’ book.” Yanking something from his pocket, your boyfriend pointed the end of the trigger at the poor sap that was downright terrified right now. You, however, found the situation very amusing. Leaning into Joker, you tilted your head to whisper into his ear.
“I thought guns weren’t your thing.” You murmured, playfully.
How would UT, UF, and HT Sans react to their S/O just laying out the most dirty set of pick up lines in the history of ever? Like, I'm talking hella raunchy and the S/O jist keeps 'em coming.
UT! Sans: he’s screaming on the inside. If you’re in public he will get pissed. He’ll tell you to shut up and will be pouty for a few hours. If you’re in private he’ll try his best to out do you, but fuck. He’s getting super turned on too, so he just wants you to get naked. His face is flushed and he’s trying to hold it together.
UF! Sans: even if, prepare to be out done. Doesn’t matter if it’s in public or in private, he’s shooting them back, and boy is he talented. Prepare to be stunned by how dirty this boy can get. And if he doesn’t properly get turned on by your lines, he’ll leave you high and dry. Or… low and wet?
HT! Sans: he has the best poker face, so you won’t be able to tell, but he’s actually screaming on the inside. Hes trying to keep his cool, but if it becomes to much he’ll shove you against the wall, or into the bed and make you feel exactly how he’s feeling right now. So look forward to being horny and frustrated for a few hours.
okay what about sterek grocery store AU where stiles is dumping very strange healthy crap in his cart and derek is weirded out but fascinated
Alright but my mind went in a different direction here,
Derek Hale who is a total health freak – who has green drinks
every morning, who works out relentlessly, who replaces his bread with lettuce
Derek Hale who makes all his own food from scratch, who buys
the healthiest produce - always organic, where he can.
Derek Hale who is fed up of his sisters teasing him, of
being told he’s weird, all because he likes looking after his body.
Derek Hale who sees his man – this fucking gorgeous man – loading up his shopping card with kale
and wheatgrass and buckwheat pasta and falling a little bit in love because all that is healthy on a sex stick.
Derek doesn’t really know what he’s doing but his feet do,
as he walks towards said man – walks towards him, puts his hand out, smiles and
says, “I have a coupon for the kale, if you want one.” And god, it’s the worst pick up line in the history of pick up lines but it –
for whatever reason – works. Gorgeous guy lights up, stutters out a shy thanks, taking the coupon Derek offers
Stiles Stilinski who eats appallingly. Everything he buys,
everything green and colourful and good? Yeah,
that’s all for his dad. But this dude – this dude, who is sex on legs and has
the cutest bunny teeth imaginable – thinks he’s like him– healthy. And fuck, Stiles has got butterflies in his stomach and this guy, for whatever reason, is smiling at him and asking him if he
wants to maybe grab a juice at the smoothie bar across the street and Stiles –
Stiles stupidly blurts out that he loves that
place. He knows he shouldn’t say that, especially not when Sexy Bunny
Teeth practically gives him heart eyes because, Really? You’re the first person I’ve met who likes that place!
Stiles Stilinski who pretends for six fucking months to be a vegan because, yup, that came out of his idiotic mouth too on that first day and he just…couldn’t find a way to take it back.
Stiles Stilinski who, somewhere between meeting Sexy Bunny
Teeth and falling in love with Derek Hale, goes from shovelling burgers and
curly fries down his throat like he’s consuming oxygen to waking up before Derek and
making them smoothies, before doing yoga. Stiles Stilinski who goes from playing video games every
evening to going on evening runs. Stiles Stilinski…who is so far fucking gone
on Derek Hale he changes his lifestyle for
him. (”Karma is a bitch, son.” “Shut up and eat your vegetables, dad.”)
Stiles Stilinski who tells Derek on their first anniversary
if he doesn’t have a burger, a milk shake, something, right now, he’s going to die. Stiles Stilinski who waits for the fall out, for Derek to ask
him what the fuck or to leave or
laugh or something, but all he’s met
with is, “if you aren’t vegan, why didn’t you just…eat junk food when I wasn’t
there?” Stiles Stilinski who opens and closes his mouth several times before
saying, “I don’t know. I just wanted to…I didn’t want you to leave. I just wanted to
be someone you could…love.”
Derek Hale who is so gone on this fucking idiot, who leans
in after several painstakingly long moments, brushes his lips against Stiles’ and whispers, “I knew I saw you eyeing up hot dogs the other day.” Laughs, takes Stiles’ hand, says, “Just marry me and we’ll call it even.”
Stiles Stilinski, who almost accidentally stabs himself with a
fork in an attempt to throw himself across the restaurant table, relief pouring through him, knocking a
plate of curly fries to the floor as he yells yes over and over, peppering kisses and I love yous across Derek’s face.
“You’re such an idiot,” Derek kisses back. “You could be made of junk food and I still wouldn’t leave you, you know.”
“Your idiot?” Stiles grins, batting his eyelashes.
Request: Hey, could you right
a Liam Dunbar imagine? The plot is he is dating Hayden and the reader is his
best friend. She is in love with Liam but he is oblivious. A new boy comes to
class and flirts with her. Liam was previously ditching plans with the reader
for Hayden but he gets really jealous and emotional when she blows him off
once. She blurts that she loves him when he confronts her and he tries to fix
it? It’s long and wordy, sorry love! Xx
Words: 1405. This is kind of really long ((it is))
warning: one or two curse words?
A/n: This is my first imagines, and my English isn’t 100% good, so excuse that.
This will be in the readers pov. I kinda changed the ending if you don’t mind.
Also I named the new boy Bryan. I hope you liked it x
knew that Liam will never be yours. Not even in a million years. So when Liam told you that he and Hayden are dating,
you knew there was no chance that Liam is going to like you back. The only
thing that you can do is hide your love for Liam and be happy for them, even
though it hurts. And boy did it hurt.
Anon said: AHHH your imagines are adorable. Can I have one where you and Edmund are classmates in college, and kept getting paired up for group projects. And you two are at the library working on it last minute, and it’s late and the library is empty, and he keeps sending pick up lines cuz he’s so sleep deprived, and you find it funny and some point you kiss him and he’s shocked. And you thought you ruined everything but he admits that he liked you since the first day? Sorry for being so detailed
I was sitting at one of the long tables in the library waiting for Edmund to arrive before continuing the work on our Political Science project. We were nearly done; all that was left was to organize our survey results into a powerpoint. The class itself was fascinating, but I had a feeling that our professor paired us together on purpose. Edmund and I have been partners on every project this semester. Not that I’m complaining, though, he works hard and he is just as much of a perfectionist as I am.
“Sorry I’m a little late, (Y/N). You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through to get these.” Edmund plopped into the chair next to me and handed me a cup of coffee. “A house blend coffee with an ungodly amount of sugar is hard to come across at ten thirty at night.”
“Don’t you think it’s a little sad that you have my coffee order memorized?” I asked him even though I knew he liked his coffee with one sugar and two creams.
“We’re together so much I don’t know how I wouldn’t.” He sighed, cracked his knuckles, and handed me some sheets to input in our spreadsheet.
If Edmund drinks too much coffee it’s noticeable. He was on his third cup when I saw his foot jumping up and down.
“Hey, (Y/N),” he leaned back in his car so far I was afraid he would fall.
“Yeah Ed?” I responded without looking over.
“If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple.” I couldn’t help but to laugh at what I thought was the worst pick up line in history.
“Get back to work, we’re almost done.”
Not a lot of progress had been made when Edmund took another break. It was clear he was getting worn down even after all the caffeine.
“I’m not sure which quidditch team you play for, but I bet you’re a keeper.” He was grinning when I looked over at him.
“Just work, Pevensie,” I shook my head and fought back a smile. Turning back to my computer, I heard him laugh.
“Hey girl, are you my appendix? ‘Cause I want to take you out-” I cut him off by kissing him quickly. Having a huge crush on my project partner made it difficult to work, but he had brought that on himself. The goal was simply to get him to be quiet, and had I thought about it longer I might not have done it.
“Let’s get this project done,” I said when I pulled back. Edmund looked completely stunned and sat frozen in his chair. Slowly, he came back into reality.
“I knew you liked me,” he stated smugly. Suddenly I had no witty comebacks or jokes, and I was left stuttering. “Did you know you’re the only reason I didn’t drop the class?” he asked.
“Yeah, seriously. I was gonna drop it the first day, but you sat down next to me. Girls from my hometown aren’t nearly as beautiful or as nice as you are (Y/N). I wanted to get to know you.” Edmund smiled from ear to ear. I shook my head and laughed.
“We should get coffee sometime when we don’t have a huge deadline hanging over our heads.”
In the end we got an A on the project and our professor told us that he was impressed at how well we worked together. We set a date to get coffee on a weekend we were both in town, and I saw my name in his phone was changed to “appendix.” Edmund Pevensie is unbelievable.
A/N I’m very sorry this took me as long as it did! I have one or two more imagines I want to finish from a long time ago before I work on newer things :)