•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription featuring Lyndon B. Johnson, Lady Bird Johnson, Judge Sarah T. Hughes, and Jacqueline Kennedy, aboard Air Force One, on November 22, 1963•
LADY BIRD: Hello, Judge Hughes! So good to see you!
LBJ: Hey Bird, can you stop smiling and acting so cheerful?
LADY BIRD: I’m just trying to be polite and greet Judge Hughes.
LBJ: I understand, but maybe today…especially right now…with you-know-who standing right next to me…you should probably turn down the sunshine.
JUDGE HUGHES: Mrs. Kennedy, how are you doing?
JACKIE: How am I doing?!
JUDGE HUGHES: Did you enjoy Texas?
LBJ: You know why you’re here, right, Judge Hughes?
JUDGE HUGHES: Of course. I’m just curious about Mrs. Kennedy’s thoughts about Texas.
JACKIE: Oh…ummm…I don’t know…someone just blew my husband’s head off while I was sitting next to him.
JUDGE HUGHES: Sure, that was a shame. But the weather was nice, wasn’t it?
LADY BIRD: Clear and warm for November, wouldn’t you say, Lyndon?
LBJ: I really think we should just bypass the pleasantries.
JUDGE HUGHES: Other than that one incident, Dallas sure did seem to love the President…or, loved the former President.
JACKIE: You mean other than the assassination?
JUDGE HUGHES: Yes, other than that the majority of your trip must have been fun. Fort Worth was nice, no? It’s a disappointment that you won’t get to see Austin.
LBJ: Let’s just move on, please.
JUDGE HUGHES: Of course. Mrs. Kennedy, did you want to go change?
JACKIE: I’m sorry…what?
JUDGE HUGHES: You seem to have dropped your hot dog all over your dress at lunch.
LBJ: Oh God.
JACKIE: No, that’s my husband’s blood and brains. From when someone shot and killed him just a few hours ago.
JUDGE HUGHES: And did you want to go change your clothes?
JACKIE: I want everyone to see what they did to my husband.
JUDGE HUGHES: Well, I don’t know if that’s appropriate for the swearing-in of a new President, but I guess that’s how you were raised. Just out of curiosity, who killed your husband?
LBJ: Not me!
JACKIE: I don’t know.
LADY BIRD: I think it was somebody in that brick building that we passed.
LBJ: And on that grassy knoll.
LADY BIRD: Probably Fidel Castro.
LBJ: And Khrushchev.
LADY BIRD: J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI obviously was involved.
LBJ: I bet Nixon had something to do with it.
LADY BIRD: I’m suspicious of the limo driver.
LBJ: Bobby can’t be trusted.
LADY BIRD: It might have been his Addison’s disease.
LBJ: Just swear me in as President and we’ll figure it out. I’ll put Carmen Sandiego on the case immediately.
JUDGE HUGHES: Yes, sir. Mrs. Kennedy, honey, did you want to take a few minutes to clean yourself up and, oh, I don’t know, maybe change your clothes?
JACKIE: Just administer the fucking oath of office.
LADY BIRD: Oh my.
JUDGE HUGHES: Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!
LADY BIRD: And slipped in a pile of blood and brains!
JUDGE HUGHES: –
LADY BIRD: I did not mean to say that out loud. My apologies.
LBJ: Worst. Inauguration. Ever.