historically accurate transcriptions

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription featuring Lyndon B. Johnson, Lady Bird Johnson, Judge Sarah T. Hughes, and Jacqueline Kennedy, aboard Air Force One, on November 22, 1963•

LADY BIRD: Hello, Judge Hughes! So good to see you!
LBJ: Hey Bird, can you stop smiling and acting so cheerful?
LADY BIRD: I’m just trying to be polite and greet Judge Hughes.
LBJ: I understand, but maybe today…especially right now…with you-know-who standing right next to me…you should probably turn down the sunshine.
JUDGE HUGHES: Mrs. Kennedy, how are you doing?
JACKIE: How am I doing?!
JUDGE HUGHES: Did you enjoy Texas?
LBJ: You know why you’re here, right, Judge Hughes?
JUDGE HUGHES: Of course. I’m just curious about Mrs. Kennedy’s thoughts about Texas.
JACKIE: Oh…ummm…I don’t know…someone just blew my husband’s head off while I was sitting next to him.
JUDGE HUGHES: Sure, that was a shame. But the weather was nice, wasn’t it?
LADY BIRD: Clear and warm for November, wouldn’t you say, Lyndon?
LBJ: I really think we should just bypass the pleasantries.
JUDGE HUGHES: Other than that one incident, Dallas sure did seem to love the President…or, loved the former President.
JACKIE: You mean other than the assassination?
JUDGE HUGHES: Yes, other than that the majority of your trip must have been fun. Fort Worth was nice, no? It’s a disappointment that you won’t get to see Austin.
LBJ: Let’s just move on, please.
JUDGE HUGHES: Of course. Mrs. Kennedy, did you want to go change?
JACKIE: I’m sorry…what?
JUDGE HUGHES: You seem to have dropped your hot dog all over your dress at lunch.
LBJ: Oh God.
JACKIE: No, that’s my husband’s blood and brains. From when someone shot and killed him just a few hours ago.
JUDGE HUGHES: And did you want to go change your clothes?
JACKIE: I want everyone to see what they did to my husband.
JUDGE HUGHES: Well, I don’t know if that’s appropriate for the swearing-in of a new President, but I guess that’s how you were raised. Just out of curiosity, who killed your husband?
LBJ: Not me!
JACKIE: I don’t know.
LADY BIRD: I think it was somebody in that brick building that we passed.
LBJ: And on that grassy knoll.
LADY BIRD: Probably Fidel Castro.
LBJ: And Khrushchev.
LADY BIRD: J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI obviously was involved.
LBJ: I bet Nixon had something to do with it.
LADY BIRD: I’m suspicious of the limo driver.
LBJ: Bobby can’t be trusted.
LADY BIRD: It might have been his Addison’s disease.
LBJ: Just swear me in as President and we’ll figure it out. I’ll put Carmen Sandiego on the case immediately.
JUDGE HUGHES: Yes, sir. Mrs. Kennedy, honey, did you want to take a few minutes to clean yourself up and, oh, I don’t know, maybe change your clothes?
JACKIE: Just administer the fucking oath of office.
LADY BIRD: Oh my.
JUDGE HUGHES: Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!
LADY BIRD: And slipped in a pile of blood and brains!
LBJ: –
JUDGE HUGHES: –
JACKIE: –
LADY BIRD: I did not mean to say that out loud. My apologies.
LBJ: Worst. Inauguration. Ever.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Bill Clinton and former President Ronald Reagan

CLINTON: President Reagan, I’m glad we could finally meet.  As you know, it’s been pretty busy since I took office, so…
REAGAN:  MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS…
CLINTON: No, no, Sir…I’m Bill Clinton.  President of the United States.  You know, I have your old job.
REAGAN: Are those jelly beans?
CLINTON: Yes, we know that you are a big fan, so here’s a gift from one President to another.
REAGAN: What is?
CLINTON:The jelly beans…it’s your gift.
REAGAN: Whose gift?
CLINTON: Your gift, President Reagan.
REAGAN: I don’t remember buying you a gift.
CLINTON: No, these jelly beans are from me to you.
REAGAN: I will not put up with your Evil Empire’s poison jelly beans, Colonel Qaddafi.
CLINTON:  Mr. Reagan, Qaddafi ruled Libya.  The Evil Empire was the Soviet Union.  I’m the President.
REAGAN: No, I’m the President.  MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS…
CLINTON: Yes, you were the President, but you left the White House four years ago…
REAGAN: Where did I leave it?  Somebody help us find the White House!  NANCY?!?
CLINTON: I mean that you retired four years ago, and I’m the President now.  I live in the White House now.
REAGAN: Well, congratulations, here are some jelly beans.  I hear that the President enjoys them.
CLINTON: (sighs)  No, Mr. Reagan, those jelly beans are for you to keep.
REAGAN: Thank you.  Nice to meet you, my name is Charlton Heston.
CLINTON: No, actually, you’re Ronald Reagan. 
REAGAN: That hack was a terrible actor!  “Bedtime For Bonzo”?  How many Oscars did that one win, Ronnie?
CLINTON: Mr. Reagan…
REAGAN: Where?
CLINTON: Maybe this was a bad time.  I just wanted to bring you a gift and to pay my respects, Sir.
REAGAN: Thank you for the gift.  In return, I’d like to give you these jelly beans.
CLINTON: But…
REAGAN: They are decorated in the colors of the flag.
CLINTON: Thank you, President Reagan.
REAGAN: The President is here?  Why didn’t anybody tell me?  I would have brought him some jelly beans.
CLINTON: Oh…look at the time.  I have to get back to the White House.
REAGAN: Yes, you are a very busy man, Mr. President.
CLINTON: (laughs nervously) Yes, sir, you know that Presidents are very busy.
REAGAN: Can I ask you a favor, President-to-President?
CLINTON: Of course.
REAGAN: MR. GORBACHEV…TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!
CLINTON: (walks out)
REAGAN:
YOU FORGOT YOUR JELLY BEANS!
REAGAN:
(to his aides) Hahahaha…I think I fooled him.  That crazy-old-President-losing-his-mind prank will never get old!

HISTORICALLY ACCURATE TRANSCRIPTION: POPE FRANCIS GOES TO CONFESSION

POPE FRANCIS: Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.
CONFESSOR: Go ahead, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: I met with Barack Obama.
CONFESSOR: That’s not a sin, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: Shit, I need to stop reading the Drudge Report!
CONFESSOR: Continue.
POPE FRANCIS: I just said “shit” in the Vatican. That’s probably a sin.
CONFESSOR: Go ahead, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: I told Obama that I enrolled for Obamacare on healthcare.gov but I totally didn’t.
CONFESSOR: Neither did anybody else, Your Holiness. Is that all?
POPE FRANCIS: I watched “Spring Breakers”.
CONFESSOR: Well, that might not be appropriate for everybody, but I wouldn’t say that you committed a sin.
POPE FRANCIS: No, believe me, I committed a sin while watching “Spring Breakers”. I mean, Selena Gomez? Talk all you want about Justin Bieber’s dogshit music, but at least he got that right, you know? No disrespect, but I would totally…
CONFESSOR: Ummm…perhaps we should move on, Holy Father…
POPE FRANCIS: I just committed a sin in my mind – a brain sin.
CONFESSOR: Does it involve Selena Gomez?
POPE FRANCIS: No, I imagined punching your dumb face because you interrupted me while I was talking about Selena Gomez. Listen, I may be humble, but I’m still the fucking Pope.
CONFESSOR: My apologies, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: I just said “fuck” in the Vatican. I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.
CONFESSOR: You also accidentally said “fuck” while speaking from the balcony recently.
POPE FRANCIS: Yeah, it was a fucking ACCIDENT. Get over it. Oh, I’m REALLY SORRY that I made a mistake while speaking like 25 different languages. Do you realize how hard that is? I’m literally from the other side of the world.
CONFESSOR: An accidental sin is still a sin.
POPE FRANCIS: [Whispers] Come here..Listen closely…
CONFESSOR: [Whispers] Go ahead…
POPE FRANCIS: [Whispers] You’re talking to the Pope. Bishop of Rome. Supreme Pontiff. Vicar of Christ. The 266th Successor to Saint Peter. I’m the lineal successor to an Apostle. Do you want me to show you the Keys to Heaven? Because I’m the Keeper of them. They’re in my fanny pack. You don’t need to tell me what is or is not a sin. Accidents happen. And unless you want another “accident” to happen – you know, like Pope John Paul I’s sudden, “accidental” death – you’ll just listen and nod.
CONFESSOR: Understood, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: Fucking right it’s understood. Don’t make me get all Borgia or Medici up in this bitch.
CONFESSOR: Is that all?
POPE FRANCIS: I just called Saint Peter’s Basilica a “bitch”. That’s probably a sin. How many Hail Marys do I owe? Can I have a Swiss Guard pay you later?
CONFESSOR: You are forgiven, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: Hey, is there a bathroom inside there?
CONFESSOR: Goodbye, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: [While walking away] Oh, I also totally know what happened to that Malaysian plane…it rhymes with “Balloon-minatti”. Robert Langdon knows what’s up. Can’t wait for Tom Hanks and Ron Howard to make a shitty movie about it…Hey, do you guys think Ratzinger had any “Wizards of Waverly Place” DVDs?

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring Fidel Castro and Raúl Castro•
FIDEL: You did what?!
RAUL: It was time, Fidel.
FIDEL: They tried to kill me like 500 times that they ADMIT to!
RAUL: I understand, but you survived. We survived. It’s time for change.
FIDEL: I overthrew an oppressive government supported by the American empire…
RAUL: I know. I know what you accomplished.
FIDEL: A tiny band of guerrilas, barely surviving in the jungles of the Sierra Maestra, subsisting on what we could gain from supportive farmers…
RAUL: I know. You helped build a force out of nothing to…
FIDEL….To realize Jose Marti’s dream! We slept in the mountains, nearly starved to death…do you understand what we sacrificed?
RAUL: YES! I was there! Look, look at this photo:
That’s me. Right there. With you and Che Guevara. I WAS THERE. I was one of the military leaders. I introduced you to Che and pushed you towards Communism! If you just stopped giving one of your seven-hour-long speeches, you would have noticed.
FIDEL: Well this is unacceptable. Where’s Che?
RAUL: He’s dead. You missed that, too.
FIDEL: Where’s Camilo Cienfuegos?
RAUL: Dead.
FIDEL: Celia Sanchez?
RAUL: Dead. They all died. It’s just you and me. We’re basically the last revolutionaries left. We might as well be George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.
FIDEL: I guess we had good genes, huh? I guess it might be time to turn it over to the next generation of Latin American leader.
RAUL: Exactly!
FIDEL: Like Hugo Chavez and…
RAUL: Oh. No. No, Fidel, do you not have a television?
FIDEL: I do. But there is nothing but videos of my old speeches and super-duper-minor-league baseball on.
RAUL: Yeah…that’s why we need to normalize relations with the United States. Chavez is dead, too. And Miami has a Major League Baseball team that we could probably easily move to Havana.
FIDEL: I wonder why my dear friend Nelson Mandela didn’t tell me all of this…uh-oh…is he…
RAUL: Yep…dead. That’s how I met Obama.
FIDEL: Damn. Okay…fine…I’ve been wanting to join the Dollar Shave Club anyway.
RAUL: Good! I was worried that you’d never come around!
FIDEL: You did make sure to secure amnesty from the assassinations of JFK and RFK, the Watergate break-in, Jimmy Carter’s election, Global Warming, the murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G., the USS Cole bombing, 9/11, and the fact that the Cuban Missile Crisis actually never ended, right?
RAUL: What? Amnesty for who?
FIDEL: Us! We did all of that.
RAUL: Shit! You made sure to set aside a stash of money and some place for us to escape to, right?
FIDEL: You mean our own warm, tropical island with pristine beaches and awesome retro cars which was free of almost all Americans other than occasional visits from Jay-Z and Beyonce?
RAUL: Yes.
FIDEL: WE’VE HAD ONE FOR THE LAST HALF-CENTURY UNTIL YOU DECIDED TO BECOME BUDDIES WITH OBAMA AND POPE FRANCIS!
RAUL: You probably should have stayed in charge.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Herbert Hoover and President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt•

HOOVER: Oh, don’t bother getting up or anything.  It’s not like I’m still President until noon.  Yeah, that’s not disrespectful at all.  I’ll just go ahead and pay respects to you.  No reason to abide by 150 years of tradition when Franklin D. Roosevelt is involved, right?
FDR: My legs are like Americans after four years of your Presidency, Mr. Hoover:  They don’t work.
HOOVER: My apologies, Mr. President-elect.  Maybe someday an inventor will figure out a way for people like you to get around more easily – like, I don’t know, a chair with wheels on it?  Imagine the ingenuity! 
FDR: I know that you’re bitter because I kicked your ass in the election, but what I really want to know is why you have a permanent look of disgust on your face.  You’re either a sour, angry man or need to go to the bathroom really bad.
HOOVER: You know, I was always curious – are you a beard for Eleanor or are you just naturally attracted to women who look like their faces caught on fire and were extinguished with a sock full of rocks?
FDR: Do you feel more in touch with the average American now that you’re going to be unemployed?
HOOVER: I’ll answer that question when you tap dance.
FDR: Another joke about my disability.  Classy.
HOOVER: Since you were late arriving at the White House and then broke tradition by rudely forcing me to come outside and greet you, I took it upon myself to think of some helpful hints for living in the Executive Mansion.
FDR: I’m sure this isn’t going to be the least bit mean-spirited.
HOOVER: Basically, it’s just a map of where the elevators are, President Linguine Legs.  You might want to install some fire alarms, too.
FDR: That’s very nice of you.  Should I call you if I want the economy to suffer a devastating and spectacular crash?  You seem to be the expert on instigating financial disasters.
HOOVER: You must save a lot of money on shoes.  Do you just have one spotlessly clean pair with soles that have never touched the ground?
FDR: Being able to get by wearing the same pair of shoes is helpful, especially since your economic policies since 1929 forced me to eat my other shoes for sustenance.
HOOVER: This may be harsh, but I hope you find yourself engulfed in a vicious World War with the future of the world at stake and end up dying JUST before the end of the conflict.
FDR: Or, I could follow the precedent that you set and do absolutely nothing to rectify problems.
HOOVER: Does Eleanor get confused and eat out of your dog Fala’s bowl, or is she able to figure out which one is hers?
FDR: Totally uncalled for.

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring Pope Francis, Papal Security, and the Papal Gentlemen in St. Peter’s Square•

POPE FRANCIS: Okay, let’s take a ride!
DRIVER:  Your Holiness, we are worried about your security.  Pope John Paul II was in this very same type of vehicle when he was shot and nearly killed.  Can’t we take the Popemobile? 
POPE FRANCIS:  No, my son, things are going to be different around here.  Plus, we need the room.
SECURITY:  But, Your Holiness, you are much too exposed.
POPE FRANCIS:  This is a new day in the Church.  It must be open, accessible, and transparent.  We have nothing to hide.
SECURITY:  Even Pope Benedict XVI rode in the bulletproof Popemobile, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS:  Oh, did he?  Well, last time I checked, Pope Benedict was also a Nazi quitter.  Who cares what he did?
SECURITY:  Well, Pope John Paul II wasn’t a quitter and he…
POPE FRANCIS:  …Enough about him!  He couldn’t spell “quit”.  Because he was Polish.  He spent 25 years trying to change a lightbulb in the Apostolic Palace.  He couldn’t figure it out because he was Polish.  See, Polish people are notoriously dumb.  Do you get what I’m saying?  Or are you Polish?
SECURITY:  Excuse me, Your Holiness?
POPE FRANCIS:  These European Popes have nothing on Francisco!  Viva la raza!  The world has a Latin Pope now.  I can’t wait to put Daytons and hydraulics on this whip.
SECURITY:  Whip?
POPE FRANCIS:  I’m not only the first Pope Francis, first South American Pope, first Pope from the Americas, first Jesuit Pope, and first Pope from the Western and Southern Hemispheres – I’m also gonna be the first Pope to have a spread in Lowrider Magazine!  Órale, vatos!  This is how we do it in Argentina!  El Papa es el shiznit!
GENTLEMAN #1:  We’re approaching the crowd, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS:  Okay, as I said, we have nothing to be ashamed of.  The Church has nothing to hide.  We do our work in front of the people.  Now let’s do the Church’s work.
GENTLEMAN #2:  Holy Father, one of us will be on each side of the vehicle.
POPE FRANCIS:  Okay, there is plenty of room back here, so let’s keep it steady.  Does this vehicle have a trunk?
DRIVER: (Confused) Yes, Your Holiness, a small trunk.
POPE FRANCIS:  That works.  Let’s do this!
GENTLEMAN #1 hands the Pope a baby
POPE FRANCIS:  Too fat.
GENTLEMAN #2 hands the Pope a baby
POPE FRANCIS:  Too skinny.
GENTLEMAN #1 hands the Pope a baby
POPE FRANCIS:  Pretty sure that one is Jewish.  Throw it back.
GENTLEMAN #2 hands the Pope a school-age child
POPE FRANCIS:  Perfect.  Put it in the trunk!
(The Papal Gentlemen continue filling the Pope’s vehicle with children)
POPE FRANCIS:  This is transparency.  A new day for the Church!  Everything in the open!  No shame, no cover-ups.
GENTLEMAN #1 helps a teenager into the Popemobile
POPE FRANCIS:  WHAT THE…NO!  He has facial hair.  Way too old!  What do you think I am?  A Scientologist?
GENTLEMAN #2 hands the Pope a baby in purple clothes
POPE FRANCIS:  Eww…THAT’S A GIRL, YOU IDIOT!  I said I’m going to change the Church, not destroy it.
SECURITY:  Your Holiness, there’s no more room in the trunk.
POPE FRANCIS:  Very well.  This is a good start.  Let’s get back to the Papal Apartments, pump these kids full of Cocoa Puffs and Kahlua.  We’ll turn on some Sisqo for the kids and then some El Puma for El Papa.  It’s time to start Popeing!

I have had many, many requests for this, so I finally tracked down all of the Historically Accurate Transcriptions that I’ve written and posted online and collected them in one easy-to-access index page for anyone who might be interested.  The permanent link to the Historically Accurate Transcriptions Index page is located on the Dead Presidents main page directly below the link to my About the Author page, which desperately needs an update sometime soon.  You can click this link to go to the H.A.T. Index right now.

I’m pretty sure that the Index features links to every Historically Accurate Transcription that I’ve written, but if you’re a fan and know that I missed one, let me know and I’ll get it up there.

And, for those fans of them, my first new Historically Accurate Transcription in a long time (I think the most recent H.A.T. was shortly after Osama bin Laden was killed) will be posted later on today, so stay tuned!  I might rerun a couple of the older editions to give newer readers a feel for the what’s coming their way.