his reaction is perfect

2

every hour, every minute 

The other thing I want to talk about with regards to Homecoming is…bare with me…Peter is objectively not a good Superhero ™ yet.

He does not win a single fight he’s in. He can’t figure out his super suit. Donald Glover gives the perfect reaction to Peter’s skills on the job.

Like, Peter was clearly supposed to, at some point, get training if he was going to engage in the higher levels of combat the suit functions were clearly meant for. Right now his primary skill set is legitimately stopping bike robberies and webbing up criminals.

Because Peter is a non-combat trained teenager. He is legitimately not ready for the big stage. Like, I’m sure there are people whining and moaning about Tony holding him back, and Peter was in that boat for a while too, but Peter is objectively in over his head again and again.

But you know what Peter had going for him? Incredibly personal fortitude and the absolute need to do the right thing.

Peter’s greatest, most pure win (in the sense of it’s absolutely a victory in the classic superhero way) is when there is no explicit enemy, when he is giving everything he has to save people. It’s not a fight, it’s a rescue mission, and Peter gives it his all and then some and succeeds with aplomb.

Peter does not kill anyone. He’s actively offended by having the option to do so. He makes deliberate choices not to kill people. And, at the very end, he could have let his enemy’s hubris kill him and therefore “win” the fight. After all, he’d essentially just gotten the crap kicked out of him. Peter had clearly lost to the Vulute by that point. Instead, Peter saves him. That’s such a pure, beautiful goodness that I want my superheroes to have.

(Forever bitter that they cut Tony trying to save Obadiah from IM1, but this isn’t the post for parallels. Just know…I totally consider them there).

And Peter…god, that scene. Things get rough, and Peter reaches into himself and finds something incredible. He does not give up. He overcomes.

This is a movie about a pretty mediocre teenage superhero in all of those combat-related ways, except we as an audience go on a journey to realize that while, yes, those skills are critical to being a superhero, they’re not what makes a superhero at all.

Tony, the futurist, looks at Peter like he’s the future, and it’s not hard to see why. With time and training, Peter easily has the potential to be the best out of all of them, combined, a hundred times over.

And I love that so much.

Just so y'all know I can’t listen to Perfect anymore without thinking of Ed seeing @sandyswildestdreams’s sign in Mannheim saying ‘You deserve her’ right before he’d sing the line 'I don’t deserve this’ and smiling like an idiot LIKE ISN’T THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE EVER HEARD

Wonho: everyday every night I can feel you ohh

Me: 

Originally posted by hyungvon

Masterlist

being written but aren’t finished

personal favourites*


Riverdale

Originally posted by alinok

Veronica Lodge

Mine

Betty Cooper

Dating Betty Cooper Would Include

Archie Andrews

Finally

Sex with Archie Andrews Would Include

Mini Andrews (+Reggie Mantle)

Jughead Jones

Reggie Mantle

Mini Andrews (+Archie Andrews)

Cheryl Blossom

Josie McCoy

Preferences

Kissing


13 Reasons Why

Originally posted by insxneofrp

Hannah Baker 

Imagines

Different

Have I Told You

Headcanons

Being Hannah Baker’s Sister Would Include

Dating Hannah Baker Would Include

Hannah Baker Crushing On Reader Headcanons

Sleepovers with Hannah Baker Headcanons

Clay Jensen

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

Sex With Clay Jensen Would Include

Being Clay Jensen’s Sister Would Include

Being Hannah Baker’s Sister and Dating Clay Jensen Would Include

Headcanons #1

Being Best Friends With Clay and Tony Would Include

Justin Foley

Imagines

Happy (+Alex Standall)

Take Me Home (Justlex)

Hero (Justlex)

Headcanons

Dating Justin Foley Would Include

Sex with Justin Foley Would Include

Being Bryce Walker’s Sister and Dating Justin Foley Would Include

Being Alex Standall’s Sister and Justin Foley Crushing on You Would Include

Justin Foley Headcanons

Polyamorous Relationship with Alex Standall and Justin Foley Would Include

Headcanons #1

Justin Foley Having a Younger Sister Headcanons

Justin (+Monty, Alex and Reader) Headcanons 

Zach Dempsey

Imagines

Blushing

Headcanons

Dating Zach Dempsey Would Include

Sex with Zach Dempsey Would Include

Making Out with Zach Dempsey Would Include

Zach Dempsey Headcanons

Dating Zach Dempsey and Being Alex Standall’s Sister Would Include

Zach’s Mom’s Thoughts on His Girlfriend Sleeping Over

Zach’s Behaviour Around His Girlfriend At a Party

Zach’s Mom’s Inability To Show Her Love

Zach’s Absent Father (+Alex’s father)

Zach’s Reaction To His Girlfriend Being In The Hospital

Alex Standall

Imagines

Happy (+Justin Foley)

Perfect (*smut)

Take Me Home (Justlex)

Hero (Justlex)

Headcanons

Dating and Sex with Alex Standall Would Include

Being Alex Standall’s Sister Would Include

Making Out with Alex Standall Would Include

Polyamorous Relationship with Alex Standall and Justin Foley Would Include

Being a Trans Guy and Dating Alex Would Include

Alex (+Monty, Justin and Reader) Headcanons

Jessica Davis

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

Dating Jessica Davis Would Include

Sex With Jessica Davis Would Include

Jeff Atkins 

Imagines

Lucky

Headcanons

Dating Jeff Atkins Would Include

Being Justin Foley’s Sister and Dating Jeff Atkins Would Include

Being Jeff Atkins’s Sister Would Include

Sex with Jeff Atkins Would Include

Jeff Atkins Headcanons

Headcanons #1

Headcanons #2

How He Would React To You Getting a Tattoo For Him (+Montgomery De La Cruz)

How You Calm Him Down Headcanons

Jeff’s Feelings About Hickies

Protective Boyfriend!Jeff Headcanons

Montgomery De La Cruz

Imagines

Beach Confessions

You

Headcanons

Dating Montgomery De La Cruz Would Include

Sex With Montgomery De La Cruz Would Include

Montgomery De La Cruz Headcanons

Montgomery Dating a Girl From The Same Friendship Group Would Include

How He Would React To You Getting a Tattoo For Him (+Jeff Atkins)

Montgomery Having a Little Sister Headcanons

First Time Headcanons

How You Calm Him Down Headcanons

Montgomery (+Alex, Justin and Reader) Headcanons

ProtectiveBrother!Monty Headcanons

Tony Padilla

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

Being Best Friends With Clay and Tony Would Include

Skye Miller

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Tyler Down 

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

Dating Tyler Down Would Include

Being Montgomery De La Cruz’s Sister and Dating Tyler Down Would Include

Headcanons #1

Headcanons #2

All

We’re All to Blame

Road Trip Headcanons With The Jocks (Jeff, Monty, Justin, Zach +Alex)

The Boys Reaction To Jeff’s Sister Self Harming (Jeff, Monty, Justin, Zach, +Alex)

Beach Headcanons (Clay, Hannah, Jess, Alex, Jeff, Zach, Justin, Monty, and Tony)

The Boys Reaction To Their Friend’s Abuse Home Life (Jeff, Monty, Justin, Zach, +Alex)

The Boys Behaviour Around Hannah’s Sister (Monty, Justin, Zach, Alex, +Clay) 

Preferences

Coming Out as Bisexual

Kissing/First Kiss

Jealousy

Where You Meet Them

Drunk

Their Reaction When You Say “I love you”

First Time

Ships Headcanons

Justlex

Headcanons #1 (General) 

Headcanons #2 (Jealous!Accepting!Justin)

Headcanons #3 (Soulmates)

Headcanons #4 (*smut)

Headcanons #5 (Choker!Alex)

Headcanons #6 (Adopting a Kid)

Headcanons #7 (Protective!Jealous!Alex x Fragile!Justin)

Zach/Justin

Headcanons #1 (General) 

Clay/Zach

Headcanons #1 (General)

Song Headcanons

Nightmares by All Time Low 

So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold

The Judge by Twenty One Pilots

Dying Slowly by Saint Asonia

Can’t Pretend by Tom Odell

Winter’s Weather by As It Is

Social Media Posts

Instagram

Justin Crashes Clannah’s Date

Monty and His Girlfriend’s Date

Zach and His Girlfriend’s Movie Night

The Girls (Skye, Sheri, Jess and Hannah) Supporting Their Friend After a Break Up

The Boys (Montgomery, Zach and Justin) Night Out

Jeff (and Monty) Posting About His Girlfriend

Alex Posting About His Boyfriend

Group Vacation (everyone is happy, friends and alive)

Alex and Justin (And Zach, Monty, and Jess) Post About Their Relationship With Their Girlfriend

Jessica, Hannah and Their Photographer!Girlfriend 

Alex and His Girlfriend’s Date

Everyone (Zach, Justin, Jess and Hannah) Supporting Their Friend (After Surgery)

Everyone (Hannah, Justin, Jessica, Alex, and Sheri) Post About The New Girl

Alex, Justin and Reader’s Movie Night

Alex and Justin Post About Their Artist!Boyfriend

People (Zach, Clay, Justin and Jess) Post About Reader, Monty and Jeff’s Relationship

Sheri, Jess and Reader Celebrate Reader Getting Onto a Sports Team

Everyone Posts Revealing Pictures After a Similar One Of Reader Was Posted 

Snapchat

Monty Showing His Girlfriend Off 

Justin and Alex Take a Trip To The Beach

Moodboards/Aesthetics

Harry Potter Aesthetics > Hannah | Clay | Justin | Zach | Alex | Jessica | Jeff | Ryan | Tyler | Skye | Courtney | Sheri | Tony | Montgomery

Bisexual!Hannah Baker

Alex Standall Dating a Trans!Male

Genderfluid!S/O Dating Jeff Atkins and Clay Jensen

Jeff Atkins  

Gif Moodboards

Hannah Baker and Her Best friend

Alex Standall and His Best Friend

Most Likely To

Do a Huge “Promposal”

Be a Protective BF/GF


PJO

Originally posted by wiinchesterlogic

Percy Jackson

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Annabeth Chase

Imagines

None  💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Grover Underwood

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Jason Grace

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Thalia Grace

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Piper McLean 

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons 

None 💕

Leo Valdez

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Frank Zhang

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Hazel Levesque

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Nico Di Angelo

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Will Solace

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Travis Stoll

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Connor Stoll

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Katie Gardner

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕


Harry Potter

Originally posted by superpotterwholockflash

Harry Potter

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Hermione Granger

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Ron Weasley

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Draco Malfoy

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Ginny Weasley

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons 

None 💕

Fred Weasley

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

George Weasley

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Pansy Parkinson

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Lavender Brown

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Blaise Zabini

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Theodore Nott

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons 

None 💕

Sirius Black

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Remus Lupin

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

James Potter

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

James Sirius Potter

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Albus Severus Potter

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Teddy Lupin

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Rose Weasley 

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕

Scorpius Malfoy

Imagines

None 💕

Headcanons

None 💕


Updated: 19/07/2017

10 Abusive Men’s conversational tactics every woman should be aware of:

1. Domination of conversation - at any cost

It simply doesn’t matter what it takes - making up a story, repeating the same issue over and over again, increasing the volume of his voice, calling you out on unrelated-unreal issues, taking on a threatening pose to get your attention, getting angry if you don’t carefully listen to what he has to say, throwing a tantrum, accusing you of talking too much, beating down your words, I have even seen abusive men cause fights because they wanted to dominate a conversation with a woman. Last time I tried to talk to a woman, while abusive man was standing next to her, he actually physically dragged her away, just so she wouldn’t be able to get my attention, because I refused to give it to him instead. In their minds, this is reasonable, because they feel we owe them that much, and if we refuse to make them the center of attention, it’s aggression on our part, and any action to beat us down to submission is acceptable and “nothing else should be expected of him”.

2. “What I have to say is important at the moment - every moment.”

You were trying to tell a story? He immediately comes up with a vaguely related story that happened to someone he knew that is somehow suddenly more relevant than what you wanted to say. You were trying to prove a point? He’s going to prove a different point. You have a problem that bothers you? His much smaller problem is bothering him much more, to the point where you have to feel bad for bringing your problem up in the first place. You have an achivement you’re proud of? Wait until you hear what he has done at some point in time that right now feels more relevant to him. In his mind, what you have to say simply doesn’t matter and it’s on him to figure out how to slowly bring that down to you, so you’d finally shut up and accept that his confidence is to be worshipped, yours beaten down.

3. Personal attack

Focus will be on you only if it makes you look bad. If you dared to insist that you’re heard and given a basic bit of attention, or, heavens forbid, said something that goes against his opinions and actions, you will immediately find yourself under a personal attack. You’ll be called out on things that have nothing to do with the subject. You will be deemed unfit to even speak about issues that matter to you. Suddenly, even the issues that you have personal experience and endless statistical data and proof, are not yours to speak of because “he knows better”. You’ll be called slurs, humiliated, discredited, all your knowledge of the subject will be perceived as “silly” and “wrong”, not to mention you’re a horrible person for daring to speak your mind on the subject. The point of personal attack is to make you look bad, but you’re not supposed to notice how it makes him look way worse, you’re supposed to feel rightfully called out and humbled, and fail to notice how your basic human right of speech is being trampled on, how you’re being silenced and hurt by emotional and psychological abuse by a man who found himself threatened by truth you pointed out.

4. Double Standards

“I’m a man” is an excuse not to listen, not to sympathize, not to offer compassion, not to take responsibility for his actions, not to bother with “woman logic”, not to question the consequences of his actions, not to feel guilty for indulging in primarily male behaviour that harms women but is excusable because “all men do it”. “You’re a woman” is an excuse to hold you responsible for men’s actions, and obliged to please men, to maintain your social value and appearance up to certain standards, to fulfill all male expectations and fantasies and ideas about what you should be, otherwise what good you are for? And even if you do all that, you’ll end up reduced to a slur and disposed of whenever it pleases a man to do just that. And don’t be surprised, what did you expect? They’re men.

5. Social Truth

Logic, statistics, experiences, facts, consequences and practical knowledge all have zero value before men’s social perception of what’s going on. Men have already decided that it’s them who’s suffering the worst. They’ve already decided they’re the one who need better treatment and more privileges and liberation from oppression. Men have affirmed this with each other, they’ve agreed amongst themselves that women are oppressive, bother them too much, ask for too much, don’t give them enough, don’t do enough for them. How could women expect for their issues to be taken seriously when men don’t feel like they’ve done enough for them? Men will offer you countless examples where he was expecting something from a woman and she didn’t fulfil it, so how dare she imply she could be the one who’s oppressed? How dare any woman claim anything about her life, her body, her experiences, her problems? Men have already agreed they know better, they feel confident about it because his friends and male relatives and co-workers and bosses and acquaintances will all confirm to him he’s exactly right, he’s telling the truth, how could some miser woman now claim differently? She must be stupid. Truth commonly accepted among men will ignore all evidence, all male privilege, all objective truth, all statistics, all proof. They don’t examine it critically more than “is this going in our favour” and that’s all they need to yell it from rooftops, to violently shut down every woman’s voice claiming differently, speaking from different perspective. They have support. They have backup. Countless men will agree with them. It’s all they need. Truth doesn’t matter.

6. What they don’t consider lying

Nothing is lying. If a lie needs to be told in order for a man to get something out of a woman he otherwise wouldn’t get - it’s considered fair play, in his mind. How could you blame him? After all, if he didn’t lie, he wouldn’t get what he wanted? Isn’t this how all people do things? Isn’t it a way of life? How could you expect him to tell the truth when it wasn’t going in his favour? He won’t even feel guilty. But instead, if you don’t react to his lie the way you should have - in his mind - then you are the bad one. How could you not believe his word, give him your full trust and obedience and perfect reactions he so deeply deserves? How could you even consider that he would lie to you? You don’t know what’s real, you can’t act like he’s lying when you don’t even know if he is. He is excused in saying any lie at all, but you aren’t allowed to doubt it, otherwise how will he get what he wanted and feel completely free of guilt while doing it? You should enable that much to a man, to lie and get away with it, get all he wants, and to feel like a genius for tricking everyone in such a cunning way. Oh, and you shouldn’t feel cheated and lied to because, you know, it wasn’t personal, it was just so he could get what he wants, you weren’t a person to him in this entire scheme, just a prop, you should feel stupid for falling for it, but you know, it’s his win.

7. “I’m reasonable” voice tone

All your passion and emotions that get out of you while you speak that would normally be a proof of how important and valuable talking about this issue is to you, yet he decides to perceive as you obviously spouting nonsense from being too emotional. Does he know you’re telling the truth? Of course he does. Does he know how being invalidated and accused of being “too emotional” and “hysterical” hurts you? Of course he does. Does he care? No. All he wants from you in that moment is to adapt to perspective that benefits him, rather than the one you’re presenting - you know, the one that actually expresses what’s going on and leads to acknowledgment and resolving of your problems. He isn’t interested in you being in less pain or you speaking out the truth, or you struggling less or you bringing to light how much you’re struggling with. Be reasonable. Adapt male perspective. See yourself how men see you. Quit having your own perspective, you know that’s not reasonable. Quit showing emotions about an issue that is of a big personal value to you. Look at me. I’m reasonable. You mean nothing to me. Your struggles mean nothing to me. Be like that. Don’t mean anything to yourself. Be only a benefit to me. Then you too can pretend all your issues are made up. After all your pain means nothing in comparison to benefits we get from it. It’s easy to speak with “I’m reasonable” voice and straight, emotionless face while talking about an issue that doesn’t affect you whatsoever, and you don’t care about the one who is affected, and benefit from what they’re suffering from.

8. “How can you call me out when there’s worse men”

You should be grateful he isn’t worse. He could do worse. He knows he could. He saw other men doing much worse, and thought to himself “damn, I’m nice, this is how things are done when women don’t listen” instead of, you know, intervening and saving someone from abuse like a decent person would do. He saw how cruel men are in other parts of the world. He made sure to remember it and inform women what they could expect from worse men, to remind them to be grateful that he, a nice man, isn’t like that. Now, if you’re going to call anyone out, you should first make sure to call out every guy who is worse, otherwise how is this fair towards him? If a guy who did worse isn’t called out, but he, the “nice” guy is, that is the greatest injustice ever done to mankind, and he will feel hurt and things will be unfair for him. What about you, you ask? What about him hurting you that caused you to call him out in the first place? Oh what’s fair to you doesn’t matter, you are the one who needs to make the world fair for him, or, you know, he might get worse, and it will be entirely your fault, since you didn’t arrange the world to be absolutely and completely fair towards him.

9. “I decide how you should react/your reaction is a provocation.”

Your behaviour is decided by his rules, and every single emotion, thought and action you make should only be made in his convenience. It lies on the premise that only he gets to be a human being and show his emotions freely and react the way he wants, you unfortunately, do not get the human privileges, if you react the humane way - get upset when you’re hurt, get angry when things are unfair and infuriating, point out double standards, argue and demand that your word matters too, want to have your feeling acknowledged or even argue that you have a say in how you should be treated - you’ve overstepped, and suddenly you are all wrong and whatever he does to you in return is what you deserved by provoking him. That’s, right, you being a human being is a provocation, it’s a dangerous straying from the object you’re supposed to be - that you are in his eyes, and you have to be “shown your place”, because after all, his convenience is more important than your life, and you’re only there to obey him and make him feel good about himself. Even while he’s hurting you. Even while he’s using you. Even while you’re reduced to a less than a human being.  

10. “You haven’t considered this issue from my perspective enough”

After all, you should look at things from his perspective. But you do. There’s never been a moment you didn’t consider his perspective. Just as there’s never been a moment he has considered yours. And the mere idea of taking a moment to consider your perspective - if he’s even aware that you can have one, and that your words aren’t just there to be crushed until he gets his way - is offensive and crazy to him. Instead, you get called out for not seeing things his way enough. As if you’re the one who is inconsiderate and refusing to acknowledge that he is just a human and that you can’t expect that much from him. But you’ve never forgotten that he’s a human. And you never expected that much, just to not be continually hurt and used by him, and to be treated like a valued human being. But suddenly this is too much? Too much to expect from a fellow human being? Isn’t it a lot like he’s forgotten you’re a human being, and calling you out on something that he actually did? Cruel hypocrisy that he doesn’t even seem to notice because it’s so natural and normal to him to call you out for his own wrongdoings, and to attack you if you’re not willing to obediently take blame.

@women: If a man is talking in this fashion he will get worse, not better. Ditch him at any cost.

@men: this was a list of abusive behaviour, if you don’t do any of these, there’s no reason for you to feel called out, if you do feel called out, I have bad news for you.

Dress (Sugar daddy!Calum smut)

Summary: You wear a dress guaranteed to send Calum up the wall (okay pls I can’t do summaries but it’s sugar daddy and they fuck and ahhHH hot stuff!)

Word Count: 4.8k (SO LONG OH MY GOD)

Warnings: There’s three sections of smut! Yes, three! Also daddy kink and bondage ;)

A/N: Jfc you have no idea how much effort I’ve put into this! I really hope you like it, I think it’s pretty good, if I do say so myself <3

Originally posted by cashtonkinks

For my CEO!5sos blurb night with @felicityash and @pretendtobepunkrock!

Crisp shirts. Sparkling cufflinks. Neat sheets. 

Just some of the many things that spring to mind when you think of him. 

Calum Hood, CEO of Hood Incorporations, hasn’t left your mind ever since you met to discuss a partnership deal. Your father owns a business similar to Calum’s and you, his devoted daughter, handle some of the more day-to-day tasks, including meeting with the extremely attractive business partner.

From the start you knew Calum was different. Maybe it was the elegance in which he operated, the silky smoothness embedded in his voice. 

Or, perhaps, it was the fact that he’d had you spread across his desk within ten minutes of your first encounter. 

Keep reading

Draco Malfoy and the Erratic Blender

After the incident with the toaster Draco was still wary of unknown kitchen appliances; wariness, however, hadn’t turned him away from learning and he had by now mastered most of the contraptions in their kitchen.

For one, he could now make the most perfect toasted bread. He also knew how to use the stove (easy enough as long as he thought about it in the line of: fire, cauldron, ingredient). He even perfected the use of the microwave. Well almost. He had not yet perfected his reaction to the obnoxiously loud ping!  that made him jump every single bloody time his back was turned. Ok, it sometimes made him spill his tea on his shirt too, but that wasn’t the point.

Today, unfortunately, was the day Draco Malfoy decided to use the blender. Harry never used it, because ‘only babies need their food in liquid form Malfoy’, but Draco watched Hermione use it once and it didn’t look too complicated, besides, the smoothie she had made with it was surprisingly tasty.

Draco prepared the fruit first; a banana, blueberries, strawberries… hmm that should do, right? He cut the fruit to manageable pieces, put it in the blender bowl, added some water, mounted the bowl onto the blender, plugged it in and–

Where was the lid?

Did one even need the lid? That surely wasn’t an essential part of the blender, right? Even cauldrons didn’t have lids and it’s not like smoothies exploded, he reasoned.

Draco apprehensively lifted his finger towards the ‘ON’ button. Here goes, he though when pressing firmly on it. A sudden roar came from the blender, then, before he could even react, he saw the contents surge upwards, upwards and out. Oh, shit. He saw a piece of banana flying towards his face when his eyes closed instinctively and he felt the sticky gooey pieces of fruit hit his face, his chest, his hair.

The lid, apparently, was a crucial part of the blender.

Draco’s eyes slowly opened, his nostrils flared and without even performing a cleaning charm on himself, he strode out of the kitchen and went to collect their owl sleeping quietly in his cage. Bloody fucking Potter and his bloody fucking kitchen shit, he will send him the worst fucking Howler he had ever received in his entire life and he will make damn sure he gets it right in the middle of the Auror offices.

                                                     ———–

Harry glanced at Bimbo, the kind but stupid looking owl that he and Draco had saved (from a pigeon attack) about a year ago. He was carrying an ominous red envelope that was already smoking at the edges. Uh-oh, Harry though. What had he done now? He swiftly took the envelope from Bimbo’s beak, rushed out of his cubicle and started sprinting towards the toilet. The whole department will not be privy to his embarrassment again.

Half way down the hall, the envelope exploded and the voice of an enraged and - what was even worse – extremely offended Draco Malfoy filled the Auror Department. ‘’YOU FUCKING WANKER! MY FACE IS COVERED IN STICKY GOO! IT’S IN MY FUCKING HAIR, POTTER. IN MY GORGEOUS FUCKING HAIR!’’ The voice roared and echoed around the level two. ‘’AND IT’S ALREADY BEGINNING TO DRY. IT’S CAKED TO MY FACE POTTER AND NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR SPITTING, EJACULATING TOY WILL EVER BE FORGIVEN.’’

Harry stood in the middle of the hallway, eyes wide, cheeks flaming, with the whole department’s worth of eyes staring at him. ‘’It’s not –‘’ he mumbled. ‘’It’s not what you think it is,’’ he whispered to no use as the whole department was consumed by mounting laughter.

___________________________________________________________

Draco and the Offending Toaster is here

Kim Seokjin

That’s it. That’s all I had to say.