his name is chowder

Check Please cast as funny moments from Family Feud

Steve Harvey explaining the experience of having a prostate exam to the Frogs sitting in the front row of the audience.

Steve Harvey: “What does your husband do when he runs out of clean underwear?” Lardo: “He wears a pair of mine.” *High fives Shitty*

Steve Harvey: “Which of the seven dwarves is your partner most like in bed?” Dex and Nurse facing off, just looking at each other and shaking their heads

Jack as that guy who can’t state his perfectly normal job title without sounding shifty.

Steve Harvey: “What is something that gets passed around?” Shitty: “A joint.” Bitty: “A collection basket at church.”

Steve Harvey: “What is something a burglar wouldn’t want to see if he breaks into your house?” Holster: “NAKED GRANDMA”

Steve Harvey: “What is somthing a man says is bigger now than it was when he was sixteen?” Ransom: “His penis.” Steve: “Couldn’t you have said dingaling? Schlong?” Ransom: “I used the medical term.”

Farmer as the producer laughing her ass off when Steve Harvey admits that he named his penis “Russel the Wonder Muscle”

Chowder as the most heartwarming contestant who tells Steve that he’s crossed two things off his bucket list, being on the show and meeting Steve. 

Steve Harvey: “What is a word that starts with ‘pot’?” Tater: “’Potato!’”

Kent Parson as the contestant who, after being asked what he does for a living, yells, “I’m single!” an starts to dance.

anonymous asked:

from your last fic. bitty wanting to go to providence to surprise jack but he has no money and lots of homework. the team steps in. even tango helps and maybe for dibs.

And so it begins! I’m actually going to answer these prompts :D

Jam profits only go so far, Bitty realizes as he stares at his bank account. Holster had been on the whole team’s ass about learning to budget and being more responsible with money after catching the frogs spending a month’s paycheck to buy a Slip-N-Slide and fill it with cheap vodka for a kegster. Holster and Ransom had high-fived them, called Shitty to let him know that he could come play on it, and then sat Chowder, Dex, and Nursey down at the kitchen table and made them promise to never spend $1500 on alcohol again. Dex and Nursey had sheepishly started out filling out a budget spreadsheet that Ransom had drawn up, but Chowder pushed the paper back at the co-captains and looked at them incredulously.

“Why are we the only ones doing this?”

Holster and Ransom shared a glance. Holster tentatively spoke.

“Chow, it’s not like what you did wasn’t like..”

Ransom cut in.

“TOTALLY ‘swasome.”

Holster nodded gratefully at him.

“Yeah, totally! But also sorta illegal since you guys aren’t 21-“

“And we don’t know how you got $1500 of vodka smuggled into the Haus-“

“But like, none of that is responsible Chowder, so we want you guys to learn responsibility, little bros.”

Chowder laughed.

“Literally no one on this team is responsible with money except Lardo, and even she spends like, 90% of her money on art supplies.”

He pointed at the D-men, looking to Dex and Nursey for support.

“I mean, you and Ransom go on bro dates all the time, but neither of you guys have jobs. Holster, you bought Ransom a giant Costco bear for your ‘Friendiversary’ and he bought you a signed copy of the 30 Rock script. That stuff isn’t cheap! Whiskey and Tango needed a second car to carry all their stuff home when they went to the Nike outlet last month, and Ford’s been bragging about going to New York for Hamilton, and those tickets are $500 minimum, plus food and hotels. Jack has a multi-million-dollar contract but you know he probably still spends most of that on stuff for Bitty. But Bitty won’t ask Jack for anything and Jack has no concept of money, so Bitty’s the one who pays for all those trips to Providence, and his primary source of income is jam!”

Chowder huffed and sat back down. Holster looked at him, a little shell-shocked. Ransom, however, grinned and leaned across the table to give the frog a fist bump.

“Yknow what Chowder? You’re right. Team budget meeting, ASAP!”

So there Bitty was, staring at his bank account, facing the hard truth that he wasn’t going to be able to visit Jack this month without Jack paying for the train up, and he couldn’t ask Jack for money. He loved the flowers, the attention, the affection and adoration that Jack showed him, but Bitty couldn’t be someone’s kept thing, like one of the girls from back home who married young and never got a job or had any kind of independence. He couldn’t be that kind of burden on Jack, and he couldn’t be happy as a house-husband, with nothing to show for his life but a boy. That meant no Jack until Bitty could find the money himself, which sucked. Bitty put his head down on the table and groaned. He needed to call Jack and let him know he couldn’t come up.

Jack Zimmermann put down the phone and poured himself a glass of water. Bitty couldn’t come up, which meant there wouldn’t be anyone by his side for the team dinner Friday night except Tater. It meant he could probably give away the ticket he had reserved for Bitty, and let Marty know he wasn’t going to have a plus-one to his dinner party Sunday night. He could call off the florist who was going to fill his apartment with sunflowers that matched the blond of Bitty’s hair and the brown of his eyes, and he could let Snowy know that he would be available to wingman for him sometime after the game. Jack looked over to where his cell phone was sitting on the countertop. He had a lot of calls to make to get his weekend in order. Or, he could just skype Shitty and complain.

Now, B. Shitty Knight is a lot of things. He is a committed, intelligent law student. He is the captain of a coed hockey team in Boston. He is secretly engaged to the love of his life, Larissa Duan, and he is a straight, white man estranged from his wealthy family because they still refuse to call him anything but his deadname. However, he is first and foremost a very good friend, and a wannabe fixer, so as soon as Jack hung up on him over Skype, he called up Lardo. Lardo then grabbed Ransom and Holster by the proverbial ear and had them call a team meeting, where Ransom and Holster let the team know that they heard from Lardo, who heard from Shitty, who heard from Jack that Bitty couldn’t afford to go to Providence anymore. The cocaptains looked out at their team, and sighed.

“Listen guys, we’ve been reviewing the budgets you guys gave us, and Chowder’s right. We are all very bad with money. Extremely bad.”

The team nodded, shifting around uncomfortably. Holster took a deep breath and continued.

“But guys, Bitty does a lot for us. He cooks for us, he cleans up after us, and he totally kicks ass on the ice. And like, a lot of us take all that for granted, even though he’s the only reason that any of us got laid last kegster. Girls really dug the fact that we have curtains and shit-“

“And food that isn’t pizza rolls!” Chowder interrupted, as Dex and Whiskey nodded sagely. The rest of the team murmured in agreement. Holster grinned.

“Totally! That too! So I think we should all chip in and get him a plane ticket to Providence this weekend.”

One of the second-string guys started grumbling. Ransom snapped around and pointed at him.

“Hey! Icer! How many free pies have you eaten this week?”

Icer looked down at his Nike slides.

“Four.”

Ransom snorted.

“Yeah, you don’t have any room to talk. Listen guys, between the 20 of us? A plane ticket to Providence is like, fourteen bucks each.”

Nursey pulled out his wallet and tossed a twenty at Holster. Chowder followed suit and Dex had fourteen one dollar bills exactly. The tadpoles had to be convinced that no major airlines would accept their Starbuck gift cards as valid legal tender, but then they ponied up as well. The rest of the team slowly put cash in front of the two defensemen. Ransom smiled back at them.

“Great job guys! Nursey, way to be a leader, you’re exempt from Sin Bin fines for the rest of the year.”

Nursey grinned and gave Dex a fist bump as they left the room. The rest of the team filed out behind them, Holster turned to Ransom as he counted the money on the floor.

“Man, Bitty’s gonna cry when we give this to him.”

Ransom took the bundles of money, organizing them into small piles of twenties.

“I vote we just buy him the ticket and drop him off at the airport.”

Holster nodded.

“Yeah, he’ll just spend it on fruit if we give him the cash. I’ll buy the ticket and deposit the cash tomorrow.”

Ransom checked his watch and startled.

“Oh shit Holtzy, we’re gonna be late to our reservation.”

Holster jumped to his feet and grabbed his phone.

“I’ll get changed and meet you at the car. The reservation is for 7, right?”

Ransom nodded and started to run out to the car when he turned back to Holster with a grin.

“Hey Adam?”

“Yeah Rans?”

“Can you believe we’re graduating in a few months?”

Holster shrugged and laughed.

“Can you believe that we have to go apartment shopping?”

Ransom leaned against the doorframe, looking at Holster with a soft smile, all bright teeth and happy eyes. Holster called back to Ransom as he dashed up the stairs.

“Let’s talk about it over dinner Rans, my turn to buy!”

Ransom called after him as Holster climbed the stairway.

“We both know that’s not in the budget!”

Holster laughed loudly enough at that that Ransom could hear it from the car.

A lot of people lately are bashing recent cartoon network shows saying that the “old” cartoon network will always be better than the “new” stuff because it was their childhood, but just because you didn’t grow up with new shows like adventure time or Steven universe doesn’t mean they’re any less good than the shows that aired awhile back like Billy and Mandy or the powerpuff girls. And some people say that its because the 90’s were better, that has NOTHING to do with the quality of a show! Some of the “old” cartoon network shows didn’t even come out in the 90’s they came out around the early 20th century! And you have to realize some people grew up in between so they grew up with some of both, but just because its not a show you watched as a kid doesn’t mean its crap. All shows are good in their own way, let’s stop separating them as old and new and just enjoy them :)

terynosaurusrex  asked:

Also, Dex being hella doubtful of Nursey's abilities as a fighter and writes him off as lazy and/or pretentious and then watching Nursey fuckin slay all graceful and shit boi just swoons, but simultaneously Nursey writes him off as a grouch and an ass and then one day watches him work in his little workshop on something he really loves and is gone once he sees Dex smile really big and his eyes light up at making a successful thingy That was articulated horribly but I have lots of dexnursey feels

You didn’t ask this as a prompt but I just really wanted to write something for this AU so here we go. There will be a part two whenever I get the time/motivation. For now, have this weird rough little ficlet I wrote in like an hour.

For the Percy Jackson AU


The thing about Nursey was he was the worst.

The majority of Dex’s siblings liked to argue that this was a subjective opinion, but Dex knew it to be objective fact.

“Why does he bother you so much?” Gwen had asked, an active blow torch left dangerously unattended in her hands as she stared at him.

“Yeah, he’s actually cool?” Serena had then ventured, sharpening a blade and ignoring the daggers Dex was glaring her way. “Like, most of the Ares kids are horrible, but he’s actually really nice.”

“And you thought he was a son of Aphrodite,” Thomas interjected, dodging the actual dagger that Dex hurled at him as the rest of Bunker Nine laughed. 

That incident had taken place three hours ago, and Dex’s mood had not improved. It didn’t help that Chowder was just as enamored with Nursey as the rest of the camp.

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ksera-sera  asked:

My husband asserts that Mung named Chowder in the same manner in which Chowder named Scraps. Ye or ne?

I had always thought that Chowder came with his name, but that would be interesting if Mung had named him. I’ll say you’re both right!

Okay but imagine a Mexican American frog

timidly asking bitty if he can use his kitchen and making enchiladas y arroz rojo bc he misses homemade food and while the pies bitty makes are good they don’t compare to mamá’s food

the rest of the Haus comes down when they smell the spices in the air and they’re like what is this and the frog smiles kinda wistfully and says a piece of home

Chowder bounds down the stairs and looks at the frog like he’s hung to the moon bc Chowder’s from California and it’s been so so long since he’s had good Mexican food

the boys get used to the frog coming over at odd times and making food bc sometimes it’s hard to be away from his family and culture and when he cooks they don’t seem to be so far away

the frog bonding with bitty over food and introducing him to Spanish music bc bitty likes anything with a good beat

CURSING IN SPANISH!!!

Just a Mexican American frog

anonymous asked:

hi so i need more poly pucks please!!!????!!!!! how did they get together?? what is their daily routine?? how do they manage the distance w/ kent being in vegas?? do they have pets (other than kit obv)??

*CRACKS KNUCKLES*

LETS FUCKING DO THIS

___

Also! Muy importante!! My friends and I are starting a Polypucks network to get the name out there for this ship and get more content!! Info to come!!

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Single parent au

• Eric Bittle (35) is the proud papa of one Chris “Chowder” (11), a former figure skate champion, he moved to Providence to open a third bakery (and low-key escape his family). 

  • Eric quickly becomes a sensation and his pies are starting to become the stuff of legends in town. He strikes up an easy friendship with both Lardo and Shitty who are nearby (but they still haven’t bumped into each other) 
  • It’s no long before the hockey players start going to the bakery on their cheat days. Tater is a regular favourite, who talks non-stop with Chowder about hockey and his teammates, especially someone named Zimbonni. They also give him a nickname after finding out how good he’s on ice, even if he has never played hockey, calling him Bitty.
  • Chowder is quite the happy kid and doesn’t have trouble making friends in his class but there are a couple of bullies in the upper classes that make fun of him, especially for his obsession with the Sharks.
  • One of the times he was being bullied by a boy 2 years older, Dex intervenes and scares the bully away. He starts keeping an eye on Chowder as if he was a little brother, meeting Bitty in the process and gaining the baker’s gratitude and free desserts.
  • Chowder wishes for his papa to find someone that will appreciate him but so far, no luck 

 • Jack (37), amicably divorced from Kent Parson, is the parent of Ransom (17), and Dex (15). They share custody but it was decided that they would stay in Providence so that the kids would not have to move away from their life. 

  • Kent and Jack are still hockey players and they have a friendly if a bit strained relationship. Right now Jack is contemplating the possibility of becoming a coach (with the Falconers), feeling his time on the ice is ending while Kent wants to move back to Las Vegas with his former team (that was partly the reason for why they separated)
  • The divorce was a rather quick one and Parson still comes by on the weekends and has plans to take the kids for a month or so when summer vacation starts. Jack… is a bit worried about what will he do when alone, seeing as his kids are soon to graduate and leave but, he buries the thought and focuses on his career (some will say he focuses a bit too much) and on keeping his children as happy as he can. Lardo and Georgia are convincing him to coach little kids again seeing as it was an activity he genuinely loved doing when younger.
  • While Ransom takes his parents divorce rather well, (he’s NOT happy but, he gets that they weren’t working anymore) Dex is having some trouble adjusting to it, especially since they were the first family that didn’t threw him out like many other foster families had done before. He was in the system since he was 4, bouncing from house to house till he was 9. With the divorce, the fear that they will leave him comes back. 
  • Tater has been trying to get Jack to accompany him to this new bakery but Jack declines every time, even if he’s heard wonderful things about it and Dex seems to have taken quite a liking to the baker and his son from what he has heard and the amount of pies and treats he tends to come home with.

 • Lardo (36), adopted Holster (17) after a close friend of her’s unexpectedly passed away when Adam was 10. She moved to Providence to take care of her new kid and has an art gallery known for having unusual exhibitions and great taste.

  • Because Ransom has been close friends with Holster since they were 7, Jack was familiar enough to be able to help Adam after his mom’s accident and later on, became one of the first friends Lardo made at Providence. In turn, when the divorce came, she was one of his pillars along his parents and kids.
  • She’s the reason Jack started to take photography lessons a few years back.
  • Holster is the co-captain of the school’s hockey team (Ransom is the other) and are starting to look for universities. Samwell is one of their first choices.                                                                        
  • Ransom and Holster try to be matchmakers to both their parents and their friends…. Keyword: TRY. Dex has banned them from even trying to set him up after seeing the legendary fiasco of a date that somehow ended with their friend Olly covered head to toe in ice cream chased by bees.
  • They’re sickeningly cute together but no one is entirely sure what’s going on between them. Lardo thinks she knows what’s up and has made sure to drop several hints that she will support them but those two kids are oblivious as to what she’s talking about.

 • Shitty (38), and his son Nursey (15), both chill (as they can be) moved from New York to Providence so Shitty could start his own law firm away from his family. 

  • Shitty’s new firm is on the same street as the art gallery and close to the new bakery everyone seems to have fallen in love with. Including him, he needs to start working out again and fast if he wants to still be able to fit in his clothes. Still, he likes the owner and he will never be able to turn down pie, especially if Bitty made one especially for him.
  • He’s been tempted more than once to enter the art gallery but hasn’t been able to do so due to how hectic everything’s been since moving there but he’s sure he will be able to relax soon enough. That is, if his son doesn’t murder his newest classmate first (his son may act all chill but Shitty can see that this other kid is really getting under his skin)
  • Nursey clashes with Dex on the first day of school. They met at a rather bad time and then they were stuck having almost all their classes together and, to make matters worse, both are on the hockey team. D-line *simultaneous groans* 
  • When they start to see eye to eye is the moment Chowder starts to visit Dex at practice, sometimes with Bitty, and Nursey witnesses how nice and caring he is with the kid. Slowly and tentatively, Nursey begins to join them in their conversations and helps Dex look out for Chowder whenever they think someone might bother him. If he also starts spending nights awake writing poems about fire and constellations nobody has to know (Shitty totally knows). 
  • Dex prevents Ransom and Holster from fixing Nursey up with a date. Dex loves those two knuckleheads but not even his worst enemy deserves to be on the receiving end of their matchmaking “expertise” (also it doesn’t feel right to even think of Nursey dating someone who isn’t him)

More of this AU, here and here

archiveofourown.org
Derek Jr.

Hey I finally did it! @dontthinkaboutzimbits hope it’s good lol This is based off of a post by @kryptmachine


“What the fuck, Dex, that’s–”


Motherfucker–why? Why would you even–”


“You’re not listening to me, Poinde–”


“I’m not listening? You never fucking listen to me, you fucking douchecanoe–”


“What the hell kind of insult is douchecanoe?”


“Shut UP, Nurse–”


“Boys!”

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Samwell Hockey Team Video Game Headcannons

Holster and Ransom provide running commentary whenever the Haus has a gaming tournament. Most of which are won by Lardo.

People from other dorms come to watch Bitty and Shitty face off in Just Dance.

Holster loves playing story driven games and, Ransom has had to comfort Holster more then once after something sad has happened in a video game.

Nursey once bumped into someone because he was so focused on his  game of Pokemon.

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Notting Hill ZimBits!AU

 6.5K word ZimBits AU based on the film Notting Hill. Bitty owns a Bakery/Bookstore, Jack is an NHL player. You don’t need to have seen the movie for this to make sense.

…   …   …

Bitty bought the bookstore with an inheritance left by his MooMaw. It does nothing to ease his feeling of loss, but every time he steps inside he is overcome by a feeling of rightness. That she would somehow approve of his bakery-bookshop combination. He hadn’t wanted to get rid of the books, and customers come in to relax and start reading something with their coffee and pie. They often walk out with a book as well as more pie. It won’t ever make him rich, but it does make him happy. 

He has his regulars, and then he has the people that work with him, and then he has the tourists that inundate the area every spring, summer and fall. So he gets by and makes enough to pay the mortgage on his little two-bedroom apartment a few blocks over, and he doesn’t feel like his life is lacking anything. Sometimes he wonders what it might be like to have someone to share everything with, but he’s had a couple of disastrous relationships and actually had to share everything, so he’s happy. Content.

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Predictions for junior year:

Bitty: gets named alternate captain and spends all his time texting Jack.

Lardo: sells her first piece of art and keeps going for job interviews that require her to stay over at Shitty’s.

Ransom: I don’t think he should be captain - he’s a delicate coral reef and it would mess with his ecosystem. Gets a serious girlfriend even if he won’t admit it until he proposes to her at graduation.

Holster: is named captain and is recruited to play in the AHL. Plans Ransom’s proposal in fine detail and picks the ring himself.

Nursey and Dex: keep fighting in private but pretend they get along in front of the new tadpoles to set a good example.

Chowder: gets his braces off and gets named in Samwell’s fifty most attractive people.