his mouth jesus christ

One White Lie

One White Lie by komodobits
Rating: T
Word Count: 11,200
Summary: Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.
He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”


OMFG! This fic was freaking hilarious. Crack pure and simple. Castiel’s inner dialog was a thing of disturbed beauty - the poor man. The things that come out of his mouth are at complete odds with what he really wants to say. And he just keeps digging the hole deeper and deeper. I often laugh and move on with fics like this, but this one just demanded to be shared. Don’t drink and read unless you enjoy spitting across the room!

One of the many headcanons I have in how Tim and Jay might have come out to the family:

Sibling bonding night turns into a chubby bunny competition and Steph starts calling for bets and Jason just snorts like ‘no way, Tim’s gonna win hands down.’

And Stephanie just stares at him before asking ‘how?’

And Jason smirks because 'Trust me, I know how much Tim can put in his mouth.’

Then Dick chokes because jesus fucking christ jay

And Tim doesn’t even notice because he’s already eating the marshmallows.

So i met with my first POT today. Hes very nice and generous. So nice in fact that I decided to give him a hand job if he upped the amount I would get today because I dont put out anything on the first meeting. Yall let me tell you that I will not be seeing this man again. I gave this man a handjob for a HOUR. He would not bust, he would get close several times but my mans wouldnt bust. I made him up the price I would get if I took off my shirt and let him play with my boobs to see if he would nut already and NOTHING. 

HE WOULDNT CUM. 

I could not. He was damn near biting my nipples off and I eventually had to give up because my mans couldnt nut. So he tried to get off himself and he couldnt nut. 

Not to mention I had to deal with his slimy tongue being shoved to the back of my mouth. Jesus christ, I had to suppress my gag reflex several times. Just thinking about it I could barf.

All in all, I made $800 today and all i had to do was an upper body workout, test my gag reflex to its absolute limits and leave with the worlds most tender nipples. #hustle

gavin grinning from ear to ear when he asks what michael’s gonna be for halloween

michael shrugging and saying he’s probably going to throw something together, and gavin just keeps grinning and opens his mouth and jesus christ, here we fuckin’ go.

and gavin’s grin is threatening to turn into full blown laughter as he says “i think i know what you should go as.” and michael might as well humor him now instead of later, so he goes “what, gavin?” like gavin wants him to, and gavin does his approximation of a straight face and goes “you should go as my boyfriend.” before bursting into a blend of squeaking and giggling that’s uniquely gavin.

Pique: purposely attacks cristiano and Real Madrid for no reason
cules: SAVAGE ODMSKSKSLKSKD LOOK AT THIS BANTER ITS GOLD OOOOOHHH MY GODN
cristiano: answers a question about Barcelona in a normal content not saying anything offensive at all
cules: can you believe….. He would dare even SAY THIS about our msn….. He doesn’t have the treble he doesn’t know what it’s like what a fucking piece of garbage Jesus Christ can he ever shut his mouth he’s so disrespectful and so rude what the hell I hate this Crispy tortilla

oh my god
as a barista at a damn coffee hut in the parking lot of a store called “SPURLINE - food feed + fashion” I get a lot of fucking weird customers
but today
I swear
I have never
in my life
this was SURREAL IT REALLY WAS I HAVEN’T RECOVERED?
so fuckin I’m there and this rusty old pick up pulled up which in and of itself not weird bc there’s a lot of farmers around even moreso in the parking lot of a store that has a sign that reads “KEEP UR SPURS SPINNIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
and fuckin I slide my damn window open and am met…with a sight….
this old ass man….
I say “hi!!” like I do to damn everyone like a NORMAL. HUMAN BEING.
this man…jesus christ…he DEADASS drops his mouth open, in which I could see maybe ONE lone tooth, and SCREAMS!!! deadass SCREAMS
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!” I swaer it lasted forever I JUMPED in surprise “Y'ALL GOT ANY COFFEE?!?!?!”
dead silence. for a full FIVE seconds. I stood there, my mouth fuckin AGAPE I’m shocked lmao I am shocked. I didn’t even NOTICE there was someone in the passenger seat until she sticks her head around this fuckin man and CACKLES. she has most of her teeth and like bright red hair in a ponytail I look inside their truck and there’s HAY in there?? inexplicably HAY in the cab of their TRUCK???
I have a fuckin thought then and there…I was like “these have got to be the two most western white trash ppl I’ve ever seen”
A debate fuckin begins in the cabin of the truck wherein the girl knows she wants a damn iced coconut milk hazelnut latte and she keeps saying “and HE wants a REGULAR!! COFFEE!!” and he keeps SCREAMING “I WANNA TRY SOMETHING ELSE!! I WANNA TRY SOMETHING ELSE!!” so I’m standing there like 0_0 and finally the girl is like “damn okay get a regular latte with hazelnut”
she turns to me and says “mine a large but his a medium bc I’m worried he won’t like it”
he turns to me and SCREAMS “WHAT YOU GOT?!?!?!?!” I was like UM U M M?? WHAT ??? SPECIFLCALY?? wE HAVE TWO PERCENT MILK?!?! LMAO?!?!?! WHAT!!!
he was like “TWO PERCENT?!?!?!” LIKE HE’D NEVER FUCKIN HEARD THOSE TWO WORDS PUT TOGETHER BEFORE
AND THE GIRL CACKLES AGAIN AND IS LIKE “JUST GIVE HIM NORMAL MILK LMAO” I WAS LIKE….OKAY…..LMAO…………and then she fuckin…I swEAR this was the moment my soul died…..she reaches over…and….strokes….what little hair…this man had…..and went….. “honey, stop asking q’s Idon’t want u to get confused”
…I….
1.) this man is seventy EASILY. EASILY HE’S SEVENTY….HE’S GOT NO AHIR AND ONE FUCKIN TOOTH. AND THIS GIRL IS STROKING HIS HAIR AND CALLIN HIM HONEY I THOUGHT IT WAS HER FATHRE??!?!? I LITERALLY FELT LIKE RUNNING AWAY I FELT LIKE LEAPING OUT OF MY CAR AND MAKING A BEELINE FOR THE HIGHWAY TO GET RUN OVER I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I WAS SEEING INTIMACY BETWEEN A 25 YEAR OLD AND A SVENTY YEAR OLD WITH ONE TOOTH
i DON’T FUCKIN run away though I make their damn drinks
they paid with a HUNDRED dollar bill do you know how bizarre it is to pay for coffee at a random hut with a hundred??? WEIRD lmao. I barely had enouh change. It was…SO….bizarre…..I literally….

Am I the only one who can imagine Lucifer singing Bad by Michael Jackson to Sam? But like, Sam would find it obnoxious as hell and just bury his face into his hands, whispering “just shut your damn mouth, morningstar. jesus fucking christ.” and Lucifer would just smirk and stroll around the bunker, singing loud enough so Sam can hear him from a far distance as he goes through the corridors. Oh and not to mention, Lucifer would definitely do those moonwalks. Yeah…

Should I write this as a ficlet?