I somehow have a feeling
of being senselessly drawn, wandering senselessly through a senselessly
obscene, absurd world.” - Virginia Woolf
The illusion of being trapped in his own skin leads the first house Saturn person into a dark tomb with himself acting as the cruel prison guard. The individual may feel as if his own individuality and unique expression is wrapped in a tangle hold and only amounts in shame. He prefers to take life seriously, and holds intrinsic fears about being disliked, embarrassed, or uncomfortable in social situations. He routinely second guesses the golden threads of his own talents and never quite feels good enough to shine like the diamond he is. The individual is however, quite well received socially, and appreciated for his dry and satirical humor, tremendous words of advice, and ability to inspire others to reach their dreams. When he smiles, the years drip away, and a fabulous, glow crosses his face like a beaming light. His smile is his most unforgettable feature.
The first house Saturn person may be anxious before entering new environments and prefer to approach the day with a cohesive plan and strategy. It is hard for him to openly trust others, and he is extremely reticent about letting other people in and revealing too much about himself. He places an awful load of responsibility on his shoulders beginning in childhood, where he felt duty bound and unable to enjoy the peaches of youth. The individual is highly dependable, and retains his independence and tremendous resilience even in the darkest of moments. Saturn is the closest occult sign, so with the wise wizard placed in the house of the self, the individual tends to possess an anointed interest and expertise in spiritual matters, sacred symbolism, and divine intention. He enjoys copious time in solitude and needs regular patterns of escape from the world. Even though he feels self contemptuous, he has an unconscious ability to bring out the best in others, and people sincerely want to impress him. His maternal and paternal instincts are second to none, and he feels very protective of other people.
The individual with a first house Saturn is a diligent worker, concerned with self image, and pours enormous energies into garnering his success and working tirelessly. The harsh lessons of life revealed themselves at a young age, and as a result, he feels decades older than his time. The individual may feel disconnected from his own body, as if he is on the outside staring in, like his bones don’t move as quickly as his mind. Vicious insecurities, the fear of rejection, criticism and
disappointment are internal daggers that cultivate his arduous inner life, so he becomes extremely driven to develop self sufficiency and independence. But in doing this he only strengthens the walls that he builds around himself that stop other people entering. The many barriers Saturn throws in his pathway cultivate the
jewels of success, recognition and the development of a rich inner
life, unfathomable and impossible to articulate in language. Saturn in the First House is associated with the culmination of the purist worldly wisdom.
“I love you,” it was like a whisk in his ear, a delicate lie swarming his crowded mind and eating at him. “I love you,” she says stronger, almost pleading with the emotionless boy. “I love you,” she growled, it wasn’t much of the truth but in there, the lies were white and blossomed to the thud of his heartbeat and the sound of his breathing. “I love you, Ashton,” she grabbed his face in a jerking motion, wanting nothing more than his attention. “Say you love me,” she moves closer to his face, watching as his eyes tick back and forth across her face, the first movement from him in awhile, oddly enough. “Say it,” she whispered quietly in hopes he might respond to the sweetness.
But he never does, sitting silently in his chair, motionless to all things. It was almost like he was dead, a vegetable that still had senses but refused to do anything. He became numb to everything, numb to the words and pleads that left her lips, left from her heart and to his eardrums but it only bounced around, never landing destination. Maybe he felt it, maybe it was real of what he held deep down, and maybe he was madly insane for loving something so different, but it could never leave his lips, it would never come out. He could barely form words to get out what was deep inside. He held on for so long, far too much, and everything just blurred together in a mesh of the unthinkable. He could never say he loved her, he could never get it out.
“Why are you so worthless? You never do anything,” she growled, startling him in his calm state, though no one would’ve ever guess he was surprised. “Why do I even try?” She talked to herself, asking many odd questions and criticizing everything. She grabbed his arm and pulled him up, dragging him to the bed as his feet softly shuffle on the hardwood floor. “Why don’t you love me? Why can’t you love me?” She was almost in tears, close to falling down her rosy face. She was an amazing actor, she always was, and always will be but he knew borderline that they were fake, not letting the small action phase him. In the beginning he felt bad for making his love cry but he caught onto the way her face never scrunched in sadness or how she could contour back to her anger, eye blazing, face that could make anyone crawl back into their safety shell.
She was beautiful. Beautiful eyes that could glow with all life in the world, hidden hells behind the beauty of the soft color, worlds no one would want to enter and be taken captive of but with one look, you’d be hooked. The way her hair fell down her back and how her hand fiddled with one another, her innocence hid all secrets she held and all the evil that roamed her mind. She was just as bad as him but something about her made it a little worse.
“Why don’t you love me?” Her face hardens, fake tears long gone and forgotten. She crawls on the bed and hovers over the motionless body of a boy. He stares up at her, face neutral of anything and this upsets her. How could someone one day give up like he did, give up what he had and now lives a life of nothing but relying on the one person that does nothing but take advantage of his sweet body. “You disgust me,” if only he could get out the few words he felt he knew how to say, he’d lay it down for the awful girl in front of him. For a second, his eyebrows twitched in disgust and he felt it, he felt it so deep down inside of him, he knew he no longer loved the nasty thing of a human in front of him, yet he’s the one heavily diagnosed with psychotic measurements. “I hate you,” she yelp in his face, making his mind shift to one of nothingness to anger in a matter of a second. He felt his body twitch with repulse for once, letting loose of all evil in him.
All evil. All evil that ate him. All evil that took his being and ripped it from him. All evilness that rotted to his core and back, radiating like ultra waves.
Her lips still stained his heart, the burning sensation shuffling around his brain and to the surface of his skin. The way her hands moved across his lifeless body softly, delicately soaking in his soft skin, kissing down it. The way he laid limp of all movement gave her the will to do as she pleased and with that, she took all advantage.
And maybe it was the way she worked at him or the way she rocked against his lifeless form, he knew all things evil, were, in fact, all things beautiful.
He was grown up to the fact boys are meant to be men and were to never show weakness, never cry, never have emotions. He lived up to men who were hardcore, steel emotion people that took on the world without an ounce of anything showing.
But the way her body worked against him, her advantage at hand, he felt nothing but raw emotion, things he’s never took on. His eyes pooled with tears of betrayal, hurt, anger, and anything else in between. He couldn’t believe someone he trusted so drastically could take so much from him.
“I fucking hate you, you piece of shit,” it was a slap of reality to his face, a splash of cold water. He knew she never loved him, never loved him the way he loved her and he knew all things beautiful were never worth trusting because even the devil was once God’s favorite angel, but he fell for her and it hurt more than he’d like to admit. “I hate you,” each word had a gasp of air between it, her small fingers squeezing his face harder than necessary.
Something heavily stirred in him, his fingers twitching and his eyebrows scrunching in anger and other things he’s not felt in awhile. He wanted nothing more than to push her off him and give her a piece of mind about how he felt. He knew she couldn’t help it and he tried to stay away from blaming the poor girl, but fuck, he couldn’t do it every time she messed with him and now was a time when everything stirred to a boil and spewed from his every pore.
And for the first time in years, his hand shot out to push her delicate body off his. “S-stop. Just stop,” and he voice quivered, a delicacy she has been deprived of for ages but it felt so good, and it reminded her why she once loved him. How his voice brought pleasure in so many ways, how it made her heart seem to pound with every single sound that left his perfect lips. “S-stop,” he screamed, the voices becoming present once again because it was promised long ago that when his bond broke and love was no longer present, everything would tenfold on him to the point of almost insanity but fuck, he knew he was already insane and even more so for loving something so beautiful but so evil, and if anyone was the odd one here, it was her. She treated him so good, so fucking good but something latched onto her and took her innocence and turned her into something so tragic.
“Keep talking to me. Please, baby,” and once again her sweet voice attacked his every sense but his mind was going off and he knew the voices were taking over. He knew this was the real her, the girl he kidnapped years ago, so sweet and so deprived from any feelings from those around and he soon gave her all she needed. And it was almost like every time he kissed her, his own demons attacked her perfect mind with lies and promises that had no value to her but she listened and let them take over. “One more time, baby,” she crawled back over him, a crazed look in her eyes that made even him want to run. “One last time,” she whispered, her voice so honey sweet that he just couldn’t think straight.
And he knew what she wanted him to say and he couldn’t help but let it slip, the words soft and a hidden meaning within it and he knew that no matter how much he felt he no longer loved her, she’d show him up continuously.
But he felt so fucking lonely.
And it was just one of those small words that meant entirely too much. Like fear and trust.
He could say at one point he trusted her and at one point he feared her, but now he was just alone with her and he couldn’t figure right from wrong.
And he was just a gentle beating heart swept away by sin.
It’s been two months since Bucky came home, I stood their admiring myself in the body mirror. I turned to the side, the baby bump is growing nicely. “You look beautiful..” I jumped at the voice of James, I turned and seen him prompted against the door frame, arms crossed with a smile on his face. He walked up and wrapped his arms around my waist and rubbed my stomach with his thumbs. His chin was rested on my shoulder, I turned my head and kissed his cheek. “At least one month left till we find out we are having a boy!” He said with a smile on his face, I couldn’t help but laughed as I turned to face him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, “Okay, first off you mean girl, and secondly when did you become an expert at pregnancy information?” He pressed his lips against mine as he smiled, “I have been reading those books Barton gave me, he bought a whole series when Laura first got pregnant. Which reminds me, how much iron have you been taking in?” I shook my head smiling at him, as I kissed him again, “Buck, do I need to cut down on your reading?” He laughed as he pulled me into his chest. “It depends, how would you do it?” He whispered softly into my ear, making me get goosebumps all over my body.
I knew what makes her all excited, I felt her body happily tense when I whispered into her ear. She slowly pushed me toward our bed, I felt the back of my knees meet the mattress, then she gave me a stronger push making me fall back onto the bed. She gave me this flirtatious smirk as she put my legs that were still dangling off the bed between her’s and crawled into the bed straddling my body. I cupped her face with my hands as her lips softly met mine, as we continued and deepening the kiss I slid my hands down her back, stopping just at the top of her pants. I grabbed the fabric of her shirt and lifted it up and over her head, as she lifted my t-shirt up and over my head. I was just about to unlatch her bra, but the moment was ruined by the door bell ringing. “Seriously…” I groaned as she moved off my body and threw her shirt back on. “I think it’s the baby stuff!” The excitement in her voice made me smile, as I stood up. She took off in a jog toward the door and opened it, “Umm, (y/n)?” A young man stood there in a delivery uniform, “That’s me! Is this everything?” I came up behind her, the man’s eyes widened. “Umm..yes.” I couldn’t help but give the man a smile, he would not break his gaze toward me. I waved at him with my metal hand, and his mouth dropped. I came around (y/n) and stepped on the front porch, the man backed away slowly and cautiously, as I looked at all the boxes. A crib, stroller, high chair, a dresser, a rocking chair, and all these baby items. I ran my hands through my hair and rubbed my neck as (y/n) signed the papers. “Is all this stuff really necessary? Back in my day, we didn’t need all this–” I seen her give me ‘the look’, “but, like I said that was back in my day..times are different.” I gave her a smile, as the man left.
“Buck, we can call Clint. He has been through this more than once.” It’s been over a month and the crib still is in pieces in the nursery. We, by we I mean James, would try putting it together. After two hours he would get frustrated, and refused reading the directions. “(Y/n), I can disassemble every gun made, and put them back together in seconds…” I let out a huff as I sit on the box of the rocking chair, that is still inside, “I am not letting these baby things conquer me! I will get them done.” He looked at me, with a confident grin on his face, “Babe, can you at least look at the direc–” “I am James Buchanan Barns. I do not need directions! It’s just a big puzzle.” As he is holding to different pieces in his hands, I roll my eyes as I get up but fall back down, as I let out a huff. James’ eyes widen, “You cannot be going into labor!! It’s only been three months!!” I laugh as I rub my stomach, “James, come here.” He crawled over to me, I take his human hand and place it on my stomach. “Wait for it..” His eyes widen, “Is that?” “Mmhm!” His eyes light up, “That is so freaky, BUT BY FREAKY I mean totally awesome. What does that feel like?” “It’s..different.” We laugh as his smile slowly fades, “What’s wrong James?” “Nothing, just he stopped moving.” “SHE won’t always move. Thankfully, as much I love knowing she is in there, it is discomforting.” He leans up and places a kiss on my cheek as he crawls back over to the crib pieces.
The knock on the door breaks me from my thoughts as I stare at now every box opened and every piece is scattered mixed into different piles. I jog to the door and open it, “Clint!! My man!” I greeted the avenger who raised an eyebrow at my greeting, “Bucky, Laura said you called?” “Umm, yeah! I thought we could have some coffee.” I moved to the side as he walked in, “Uh huh.” We walked into the kitchen where I already had coffee waiting with some snacks. We sat in silence as we sipped our coffee, I don’t usually mind silence, but even I was uncomfortable. “Bucky..” I looked at him, “As much as I am enjoying this wonderful bonding experience with you, drinking this horribly made coffee, what do you need help with?” “Well, umm, everything.” The assassin gave me a chuckle, “I thought Bucky Barns, the man who can disassemble–” “I know, I know! Well, baby stuff is a bit more..complicated.” Clint stood up from his chair and clapped his hands, “Well, I guess I need to teach Daddy Barns how to assemble a baby crib.” We walked into the nursery, Barton’s eyes widened and I am pretty sure his mouth dropped at the scene, “What the hell did you do!? Did you Winter Soldier explode everything!?! Why is there wheels?! Wait, Barns..you didn’t.” He put both his hands on his neck, as he took in the scene, “Okay! Okay! Let me explain!!” Clint is carefully stepping over the explosion of mix and matched pieces of everything we bought. Dresser pieces, stroller pieces, crib pieces, high chair pieces all mixed around the nursery. “I got frustrated at the crib, so I opened the dresser. I got frustrated at that, and I opened the stroller..” “Yeah, yeah, I got it. I may need more of that shitty coffee. Is (y/n) here? What did she say to this?” He turned and looked at me, “She is with Wanda and Natasha, buying food and diapers. She doesn’t know about this, or the fact your here.” As I rubbed my neck, nervously, fearing Clint would leave.
“Alright, alright, let me call Nat.” “What why!?” “To keep (y/n) distracted! While we finish this..”
Three hours and we have half a stroller complete, Clint picks up the phone again, sends a text, and gives me a smile. Another twenty minutes passes by and there is another knock on the door, Clint gets up and answers. “Holy–” I turn to see Steve standing there, Sam finishes Steve’s paused sentence, “Shit..”, Tony pokes his head over the men’s shoulders, “What the hell!?” I drop my head in defeat, “I know!! I’m an idiot!” Steve, Sam, Clint, Tony, and Bruce all step inside assessing the situation. They are all having mixed expressions on their face, “Barton, when you sent us a text saying 'Avengers Assemble’ I thought there would be dinner or a party waiting for us!” Tony chimed in, “I will buy you all dinner if you help me.” I responded, Clint chuckled, “If your cooking is as shitty as your coffee, I will work for free.” He elbowed me. Steve let out a huff, “It’s alright Buck, we’ll help you. Where is the directions for all this?” I ran my metal hand down my face, “Probably in the dump somewhere. I had (y/n) throw them away. I was being cocky.” Bruce groaned, “Ohhh, this should be fun.”
“Ladies, I think we have done enough shopping for the day. We have enough diapers and wipes to last the kid for at least a year!” We had been to several stores, buying diapers, wipes, bibs, white onesies, and socks. Every time I tried to head home, they wanted to go to another store. I began to get this feeling they were stalling. I tried texting and calling James, but he said he would talk to me when I got home. “Enjoy your..girl hang out..shopping and all that!” He would tell me, so I tried not to think about it too much. We finally made it home, I raised an eyebrow when I seen Steve’s motorcycle and Tony’s car. The three of us walk in, and the men were all sitting and standing acting casual. All except Bucky, all of a sudden some familiar hands covered my eyes, I couldn’t help but smile. He led me to nursery, “Are you ready to see our baby’s nursery?” “Yes!!” He removed his hands from my eyes, and my jaw dropped! All the things were set up, and just as I planned it. The rocking chair in the corner, the dresser by the closet, the changing station next to the crib that was right by the door.
She just stood there, looking around not saying a word. I did my best to place everything where she wanted it, her quietness was making me anxious. Finally she spun around and jumped in my arms and wrapped her legs around my waist. I wrapped my human arm around her waist as my metal supported her. “I love it Buck!!” She kissed me and held it there for a few seconds, I would have lingered longer, but we had company. I pulled back, “I had some help from the guys.” “SOME help?” They all said in sync, “Okay, a lot of help from them.” She threw her head back laughing as she hoped down, I watched as she hugged everyone. She clapped her hands, “Well, I know the girls are hungry from all the shopping, so you guys must be hungry from helping Bucky! I’ll start dinner! James, do you mind going out to the car and getting the bags? Steve, you may have to help him.” My eyes widened, “and maybe Clint too…” I raised an eye brow at (y/n), she gave me a smile and wink, “Don’t worry babe! Everything was on sale!”
I just got back to the Avenger facility, two weeks of being away from home. I was exhausted, I could barely keep my eyes open. That was quickly changed when I was greeted by Natasha, “BARNS! You need to hurry!! (Y/n) just went into labor a few hours ago!! She is up stairs!” A rush of adrenaline shot through my body as I took off in a full sprint,
“MOVE! EXCUSE ME! SORRY!!” Then I was stopped by Steve,
“Buck! You can’t go in there! She is having the baby!”
“Like hell I am not!”
I could hear her screams, I read in the books that childbirth was painful. Extremely painful, and it killed me that I could not be by her side holding her hand. I understood though, I was covered in sweat and dry blood. I was in no position to be near something like that. It seemed like an eternity, but her screams stopped. The whole team was in the hallway, just outside the door. I was propped against the wall with my foot against the running dash on the wall, when the screaming stopped I stood at attention. The silence, once again the silence was making me uneasy. Then the sweetest sound I ever heard came, the sound of our child crying. Tears filled my eyes, as the doctor opened the door, “Mr.Barns? Are you ready to meet your child?” I still had no idea what the gender was, (y/n) wouldn’t tell me. I looked over at Clint who gave me thumbs up, Steve stepped in front of me,
“You may want to take off all this gear Buck.”
“Right!!” I took off all my knives, guns, grenades, stuns, flares, at the corner of my eye I seen Tony bending over examining my body, “Where the hell do you hide all this stuff? Your like a walking Mary Popins bag.” Steve and I looked at each other confused at the remark, as the rest of the team chuckled.
I finally was just in my shirt and pants, I froze just before walking in. I turned and looked at my friends who all were smiling back, I couldn’t help but shut my eyes as I stepped into the room. I opened them, and seen (y/n) beautiful as ever. She looked exhausted, but still beautiful. My eyes shifted down to see the little bundled up child in her arms. My heart began beating like a drum, I felt like it would break through my chest at any moment. I slowly approached them.
After what seemed like forever, of hearing Bucky take off all his gear. He finally stepped through the door, is eyes lit up. He didn’t say anything, but just stared at me with a nervous smile on his face. He stepped slowly and quietly.
“Hey babe, you made it just in time.”
“Yeah, I wish I could–”
“Shh, don’t worry about it. If you were here, I would have been too busy to see your face when you see our child!”
She shifted her arms to hand me our child, with a smile. I took the child in my arms, and I will confess I was shaking. A full head of dark hair, her eyes, and definitely had the Barns nose. I shook my head, still in shock of the fact I am now a father, after a few moments (y/n) called everyone in. I was standing there with the bundle of joy in my arms, I smiled at them. “Hey everyone, this is Lee Stephen Barns.” I seen Steve’s eyes widen when he heard the middle name, “Lee, after Camp Leigh and Stephen after my best friend.”