You ask me time after time, and I tell you no, that I’m not ready for anything more. But you beg and beg, and ask me why I won’t. “I just don’t want that to be all you want” I say, looking away from your face. You take my hand and I slowly look back up at you. “That’s not all I want, that’s definitely not all I want. I’m happy just being with you” you say. Even though I know it’s true, I can’t help feeling as if I’m going to cry. I lay back down on your chest and hold back that sick feeling. “I won’t ask you anymore. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” I half-smile, like one of those smiles when you’re pretending to be okay, but on the inside you’re crying. “It’s okay”, I softly reply. Those were the words I needed to hear. Now, if only those were the last words I heard. Soon enough, you ask just one more time, and I reply with the same answer. No, I can’t, and I won’t. The whole thing scares me. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s not that I wouldn’t do anything and everything for him, I’m just not ready yet. He needs to understand that. And I’m afraid that if I don’t do it, I’ll lose him. I’m afraid that if I keep saying no, he’ll eventually leave me for someone else who will. These worries flood my mind all the time. And although I know it’s not true, he wouldn’t leave me like that, I’m still afraid because I don’t know. I can’t afford to lose him. And if he really loves me like I know he does, he would understand.
A friend of mine once told me that we never forget the people we’ve loved. Whether you’re the heartbroken or the heartbreaker, the cheated on or the cheater, if you really loved someone, you’ll never forget it. You’ll never be able to fully remove their fingerprint from your heart or the feel of them from your hands because you’d already allowed them to become that much a part of you. Their name will always cause a stir inside of you, and even if you reach a point where you can ignore it, that flutter will never go away.