hilarious sloths

Sloth Pair AUs to consider
  • “I’ve always been a shy kid and you moved into the apartment next door when we were little and befriended me anyway and ever since we’ve been inseparable and through hell and back together and I love you so much but please don’t notice or it’ll be awkward” AU
  • “We’re college roommates and you never do anything and procrastinate and it’s super annoying but now you’re on the verge of failing all your courses and I feel morally obliged to help you” AU
  • “I’m a journalist and have been tasked to do an experiment and go on an online dating platform and go on dates with a person I seem to have nothing in common with for ten weeks to see what happens and… well, you’re weird and I don’t wanna do this either but please play along or I might lose my job” AU
  • “I deliver pizza as a part-time job and you always order the same pizza three times a day, are you okay? You never seem to eat anything BUT pizza” AU
  • “You’re an idealistic rookie superhero with more guts than skills and I’m a seasoned pro who only does this job for the money, and now we have to team up and I’m stuck babysitting you and saving your butt every five seconds, just GREAT” AU
  • “Look, I know you’re chasing after your runaway cat and everything but would you PLEASE at least take off your shoes before you climb into my apartment? This is the third time you’ve gotten my floor all dirty YOU BETTER CLEAN ALL THAT UP” AU
Are Homunculus Years Like Dog Years?

OK so I was thinking…

For being over 100 years old, you would think the homunculi would be really wise, sage-like and emotionally mature. Collected and calm, like Hoenheim and Father. But for having lived for literally hundreds of years, they still largely act emotional, immature, and somewhat ridiculously. 


This makes me think that maybe homunculi age and mature differently from humans, given their philosopher’s stones and near-immortality. Perhaps they age on a longer timeline like the Asari from the Mass Effect series, if you’ve seen it: for the first few hundred years they are still in their “maiden phase” where they like to party and be wild, etc, only settling down around 500-600 yrs old, and becoming wise matriarchs even later. Or you could think of it like dog years, but longer instead of shorter. 


And if you think about it, the older homunculi DO seem more mature than the younger ones.

From oldest to youngest:

1. Pride

2. Lust

3. Greed

4. Envy

5. Sloth

6. Gluttony

7. Wrath
***Note on Wrath: Because Wrath started out as a human, remembers his upbringing, doesn’t regenerate and essentially ages and lives like a normal human, it seems possible that he could be exempt from the pattern. Maybe it’s mostly driven by the pseduo-immortality.


Sloth and lust are rather serious characters; Greed less so, but he’s clearly more emotionally mature than Envy the Jealous, and Sloth and Gluttony are so undeveloped that they seem simpler and more childlike than the others. 


SO, there seems to be a linear relationship between the ages of the homunculi and their level of psychological maturity.


So let’s look at a possible ratio. The EXACT ratio isn’t important, so long as it’s a believable approximation of their maturity in human years. For example, a pretty clean ratio is 10:1, where 10 homunculi years is about the equivalent of 1 human year. 


To illustrate, let’s take Gluttony. He’s a little over 100 years old, but let’s call him 100 to make it easy. If 10 homunculus years = 1 human year, that would make Gluttony a little over 10 years old in terms of his psychological maturity in human terms. This actually matches up pretty well with his behavior, which is very innocent, childlike, obedient, and emotional. 


That would make the others…

1. Pride (>300) = >30 yrs old

2. Lust (~250) = 25 yrs old

3. Greed (<200) = <20 yrs old

4. Envy (~175) = ~17.5 yrs old

5. Sloth (~150) = ~15 yrs old

6. Gluttony (>100) = >10 yrs old


The exact ratio may not be spot-on, and people would still mature at different rates, but on the whole, it holds up somewhat well. Gluttony is as innocent as they come, Sloth acts hilariously like a lazy teenager who doesn’t want to do anything but sleep all day, Envy is immature and self-centered, Greed is full of cockiness and over-confidence/arrogance, Lust, in what little time she gets, seems calmer than her younger siblings, and Pride by far comes off as the most serious and mature.


Riding the theory out, this ratio would give homunculi the psychological maturity of those in middle age around 400-600 years old, and they’d be “elderly” and wiser after that. Of course, this isn’t a lifespan per se, because they won’t die from old age, they would theoretically just get increasingly older and wiser!


Anyway, this brings up another question: What are the homunculi like when they are first created? Perhaps they are unintelligent, feral and purely instinctual versions of their sins. 


Another possible pattern is that the older they are, the more human their appearance. Gluttony and Sloth are both the youngest, and they both have bodies that are obviously inhuman. Maybe they are beastly when first created, and slowly come to look more human with age. 


TO SUMMARIZE THE HEADCANNONS DISCUSSED:

A. Homunculi mentally age more slowly than humans, so that 10 homunculi years = 1 human year, or something close to that

B. The older homunculi are, the more they come to physically resemble humans

archaic-avery  asked:

My patronus is a Sloth, could you please maybe tell me the upsides of it? Thank you.

  • probably means ur super chill
  • there used to be sloths as big as elephants !!!!
  • only leave their tree once a week to go to the loo how relatable
  • sloths can retain their grip after death. like there are just dead sloths hanging upside down in the trees. I admire their determination but that’s also slightly creepy
  • their internal organs are actually fixed to their ribcage which is why they can spend so much time upside down without all their insides pressing on their lungs
  • takes them like a month to digest their food w h a t
  • algae literally grows on their fur which they use as camoflauge. huh
  • they can hold their breath underwater for up to 40 mins !!!!
  • there are many hilarious sloth gifs on the internet
  • they rarely move more than 40 metres in a day
  • which is actually great because loads of predators only see moving targets so it’s NOT BEING LAZY IT’S SMART
  • p much all mammals (even giraffes) have seven vertebrae in their neck but not sloths!! they have anywhere between 5 and 9
  • a bunch of antibiotics have been found in the algae on sloth’s backs

truefactsaboutlies  asked:

tell me about your nightmare about sloths in suits.

All right, here we go. Imagine with me.

The first thing you need to know is this is my house. It doesn’t look like my house, it’s actually the layout of my neighbor’s house, but this is my house and I live here.

I turn. A sloth is standing next to me. ‘Standing’ being important to note, because this is not your average sloth, lounging in a tree. This sloth is about six feet tall and wearing a business suit.

He says nothing. I want him to leave.

I turn to the door and see a few more sloths filing in, each wearing different suits: business, space, and diving suits. All are six feet tall. All say nothing.

The sloths begin to make themselves at home. I look around; my house is filled with sloths.

This is my house.

I did not invite them here.

I try to tell my family members the sloths are overstepping the boundaries courteous guests should uphold. No on is particularly bothered by the sloths, why am I so worked up?

I search for someone who will listen to me, someone who will help me make the sloths leave. I look out the window and see a sloth in a space suit silently reciting Hamlet’s soliloquy.

Other sloths continue to mill around as though this is a silent cocktail party. One helps himself to food from the fridge.

This is my house.

I want to make him stop, I want him to know he is not allowed to just waltz in and make himself at home, but I can’t manage to form the words.

The sloth stares at me with hollow eyes as he makes a sandwich.

Some Highlights From Tonight's Show

I am on mobile rn so when I get to a computer I will edit this to look nicer but:

Bill Finn was there tonight. He fucked up his leg pretty badly so he was wearing a cast and walking with a cane. I can confirm that other fan reports stating that he and Chip Zien were sitting together are correct.

The Rosenthals were there. Brandon told the story of how he discovered Falsettos through “Miracle of Judaism” and then hopped offstage and jammed the mic in Anthony’s face and made him sing.

Chip Zien is adorable. He broke a glass. I yelled “l'chaim” because I’m a dumbass. Sadly he and Brandon did not do “dueling Mendels.”

Zachary and Alysha were phenomenal.

Brandon just about shit himself sideways when I told him I run broadwaysloths on IG. He had the Slothsettos picture saved on his phone because he thought it was hilarious that I gave Sloth Jason claws.

Jenna Ushkowitz (Tina from Glee) was there. She was two rows behind me in a private booth with her friend Barry. She recognized me because one time her dog blew its nose in my face on 72nd Street.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: Brandon said he is seriously considering doing something like this again this summer. You bet your ass I will be there.

3

Reasons to Love AmazingPhil

#92: He loves the Natural History Museum!

As someone who has made working at a museum their chosen career this fact makes me so immensely happy!! 

@amazingphil

www.youtube.com/AmazingPhil





(gifs by the lovely @dan-howell)

Dark Horse Presents #24 by Geoff Darrow

Multiple Eisner and Harvey Award winner!
Dark Horse Presents #24
Caleb Goellner (W), Al Gordon (W), Carla Speed McNeil (W/A), Rich Woodall (W), Michael T. Gilbert (W/A), Dean Motter (W/A), Buster Moody (A), Bo Hampton (A), Craig Rousseau (A), and Geof Darrow (Cover)
On sale July 20
FC, 48 pages
$4.99
Ongoing
This month, follow reluctant astronaut Brad as he traverses an unknown planet in the hilarious space adventure Slothed in Space, featuring the work of Caleb Goellner and Buster Moody!
Plus, all-new chapters of Al Gordon and Bo Hampton’s The Once and Future Tarzan, Carla Speed McNeil’s Finder: Chase the Lady, Rich Woodall and Craig Rousseau’s Kyrra: Alien Jungle Girl, Michael T. Gilbert’s Mr. Monster, and Dean Motter’s Mister X: Pokerface!
“Dark Horse Presents … is a must-read for any and all comic book fans, both casual and hardcore.”—ComicBooked.com

embodiment-of-sloth  asked:

?? (just because I am itching for these types of threads)

Send one of these options to turn my muse into that thing for a thread, OR send ?? for a randomly generated one.

15. A dog, wolf, or werewolf

Anna feels a strange stinging pain on her arm. She lets out a groan in pain, before screaming as metal peels back to reveal flesh. Soon the woman is standing there, confused, naked, and in pain with a rather grisly bite wound on her arm that appears canine in origin.

“What the…what the fuckin’ hell just happened?”

the signs as animals

aries : bear, because silly and playful but deadly angry sometimes

taurus : worm cause ur wise kind of but u also live in ur own crap cause ur kind of a hoarder

gemini : peacock, because ur fun and ur pretty and people like looking at u 

cancer : fox, because ur sly as hell but u got feelings and ur cute

leo : lion meow

virgo : someones mean lil cat that only likes a few people

libra : EXCITED BIG DOG THAT LOVES EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING omg 

scorpio : turtle, cause ur smart and caring and kinda shy

sagittarius : sloth, your hilarious and amazing

capricorn : a hamster, because u don’t really like people that much but ur cute

aquarius : wild horse because ur mysterious af and gorgeous

pisces : cuddly lil bunny, YOUR SO CUTE

-lele